Posted by Lilly | 4 Comments

Dating Pool: OkCupid and their Questions

I wouldn’t say I’m using Okcupid for dates, per se, right now. I’m just not in a date-like frame of mind anymore it seems. But I AM actively using it to find like-minded friends, even friends with no chance of having benefits on the side. That’s my preference right now because I need like minded friends, live and in person, because I really really badly miss my bubble.

There’s people on OKC who answer a lot of questions, and people who don’t. All I can hope is that they’ve answered the ones that are important to me; the ones that make or break it. These answers have saved me from big wastes of time; once, I didn’t quite listen to the answers and had a 3-month waste of time.

These questions help me weed out people who would find my looks or my availability status to be less-than-ideal. I’ve actually had guys still hit on me when our answers do not match up which blows my mind. Both times when I’ve called the guy out on it they’ve said “oh we can work around that” or “I’m not sure why I answered it that way, I find you attractive”. Most times I don’t bother to call them out on it, I just ignore them (or  in cases or people who looked like we could potentially be a match outside of friendship while doing my own searches, unfavorable answers meant I didn’t message them).

• Can overweight people still be sexy?
• If one of your potential matches was overweight, would that be a dealbreaker?
• Would you consider connecting with someone whose relationship status is ‘seeing someone’ or ‘married’?
• How willing are you to meet someone from OkCupid in person?¹
• Would you date someone who was already in a committed relationship with someone else?

These next questions help me determine their queer-frame-of-mind, lifestyle and general “If you don’t know this, I can’t know you” fields.

• Do you ever feel the need to get really drunk? ²
• Do you believe in dinosaurs? ³
• To you, is abortion an option in case of an unwanted accidental pregnancy?⁴
• “Wherefore art thou Romeo?” What does “wherefore” mean in this context?⁵
• Straight women who kiss or fondle each other in clubs in the hopes of attracting men are… ⁶
• How important is religion/God in your life? ⁷
• Is contraception morally wrong?
• Which is closest to your reaction to foul language? ⁸
• Do you like cats? Would you consider owning a cat as a pet? ⁹
• Did you join OkCupid just so you could find people to have sex with? ¹⁰
• The idea of gay and lesbian couples having children is: ¹¹
• Which best represents your opinion of same-sex relationships?

Some people on the site blow off the “matching algorithm” but I don’t. It’s based mostly on these questions, and they’re usually pretty right. I have, happily, made two female friends that I will soon be meeting in person. I need more female friends in my life. Really do. It can be a bit disheartening when I put so much effort into my profile and making it really “me” and then I find someone who sounds really awesome and we’re a great mathematical match and I message them along the lines of “Hey you’re rad, let’s be friends” (but not as pathetic as that) and then I never hear from them. Puzzling is when I message them and they never respond but I see them checking out my profile once a week or so. No, my fat ass didn’t magically melt off, I am no more attractive to you. Is the “bisexual married to a man” thing going to make a lesbian dismiss me totally even as a friend? So far seems to be the case, unless of course they all just find my personality revolting *shrugs*.

There’s a lot of other questions that I’ve ranked “somewhat important”; they’re not deal-breakers but I still consider them if they give an answer that I didn’t choose as being acceptable to me.

One odd thing to note: Whenever I encounter a person who matches me in either friend/match high 80′s or above, and they’ve answered the “How often do you use Twitter” question is it always answered as “never”. I’ve put it as an important question to me I guess because I’m not sure I’d know how to communicate with someone who isn’t tied much to online/social media.

So if you’re on OkC, what are YOUR deal-breaker questions?

Don’t worry, there’s been enough activity for a Dickhead Files post or two in the near future ;)

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Posted by Lilly | 9 Comments

When the Brain Doesn’t Match the Body

(This post first appeared over at Edencafe.com)

First let me explain my take on the “typical” brain of feminine vs masculine. I do realize that just by saying that I’ve already ruffled some feathers. The saying “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” DOE S have its valid points.

I’m equally a logical and emotional person. It’s hell, lemme tell ya. I need to totally *understand* something, I need to know why. Why, why, why. I’m like a 2 year old. I cannot just do something “because”. If I at least know why I’m doing it and what comes next then I’m much better able to do my part. But I also act and react very emotionally, I’m very much an empath. Anyways, back to the logic. I have fibromyalgia which is a very misunderstood disease (but they do know that brain chemicals are either affected or a partial cause and I believe that the main chemicals affected are serotonin and dopamine) and I have a dopamine deficiency. ADD, ADHD, whatever label you want to put on it. When you run down the symptoms, I’m a textbook case. But I have other oddities that make me hard to diagnose. So in the course of trying to figure out what is wrong with me, I’ve done a lot of research. Learning what others like me are like. Forming my own theories that may or may not be a grand revelation to the science community at large.

Even if you don’t have a “mental disorder”, I believe that everyone’s brain hormones/chemicals are not all at perfectly balanced middle-of-the-road levels. Everyone has a skew, and that forms your personality. It’s when the skew is too severe that one is then diagnosed with depression, anxiety, bi-polar, ADD, etc. So my outlook is kinda like…..a horoscope. I am most compatible with other people that have a similar chemical skew/imbalance. If their dopamine is lower, I’ll get along with them. ( I hope this explanation makes sense to you all, lol).

They already know that biological men and women use their brains differently. But that’s what they can see and measure. What they haven’t been able to measure yet are the levels of the brain hormones. So I’m not saying here that my thoughts on the chemical differences pertain to *biological* male/female roles, obviously, but the self-identifying masculine/feminine roles. The typical feminine brain skews a little lower on serotonin. The typical masculine brain skews a little lower on dopamine. Disclaimer: I’m not saying that this is fact, I am saying that in all my logical thoughts, this has to be true. One big reasoning is that many of my little ADD-quirks/issues/problems….to some degree are all complaints that wives generally have about their husbands. Like I’m more likely to forget birthdays and anniversaries. I lose track of time. That whole domestic drive to  clean the house and run errands when you’d really rather sit on yer butt? Yeah I don’t have that and you’ll find me sitting on my ass till there’s no clean undies and we’re outta milk. When a female asks me if I notice anything different, I’m going to be staring blankly at her just like most men would.

I hope I didn’t lose you – this topic of brain chemistry and why I, without fail, get along the best with people with similar chemistry levels as my own is all seriously fascinating to me. Even if the knowledge doesn’t do me any good with treatment I still like understanding it all as best as possible.

Anyways. Contradictions, contrasts, puzzle pieces.

I’m the girl in full makeup who’s fixing your computer and babbling in geek-speak.

I’m the girl wearing perfume who’s hanging with the guys, playing MMORPG games and being just as competitive as them.

I’m the girl in the group of people who will admonish the man with a “Don’t be such a pig!” to his pervy comment all the while silently agreeing and staring at that chicks ass right along with him.

I’m the girl in sexy clothes and kitten heels who would be happily tagging along to a car show, admiring the details and work on big, loud muscle car or a sleek, expensive sports car.

In my mind I objectify women as I ogle them but I don’t let on outloud, for that’s not proper. I know it’s not right but it happens anyway. I’m terrible at being domestic even when it has to be done. I didn’t inherit the gene that makes my mind think “We’re having company! I better dust!” like my mother and her mother before her. I drive too fast, I swear too much and I don’t remember your birth date. I could spend just as much money at Sephora as I could at Newegg.com. I am competitive beyond compare and fuck you if you beat me.

And when I read about other bisexual or bi-curious women talking about how softly they would kiss a woman, how the sex would be sensual and spiritual and *cue sound of abrupt record-scratching to signify a halt* – I think “why??” I want to kiss and be kissed like I would kiss a man. Kissing men, kissing women, it’s not a different activity for me it’s kissing a person and I like it passionate. Not feathery kitten kisses. I want to have hot, sweaty, kinda-rough passionate sex with a woman just as I would with a man.

But yet I want to be swept off of my feet in romance. I want the grand gestures. I want the Dom type of guy sometimes, to a degree. I have my days of wanting to be pampered and beautiful and wanted and loved. You don’t have to hold the door for me unless my hands are full, but I’d appreciate it if you compliment how I look, even though I may blush and dip my head.

I am a contradiction in flesh and blood and sometimes I just don’t know which way to go.

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Posted by Lilly | 9 Comments

Regaining My Femme

This originally appeared over at Edencafe.com, but I’m re-posting it here in hopes of some helpful comments and giving my thoughts more exposure.

As a little kid I can remember being quite the tomboy. I disliked Barbie Dolls. I preferred my toy guns and make-believe horses to baby dolls and playing dress-up. I can remember being just as dirty as a boy, with just as poor hygiene habits. Shameful, but true. Eventually peer pressure and friends ahead of me in terms of femme influenced my behavior (in other words: Junior High).

I can remember painting my nails. I can remember that it never lasted long, I picked even back then. I can remember owning numerous skirts and dresses. In fact, I had one year in High School where I wore little other than skirts and dresses to school. Why? No clue. I think perhaps I had just truly discovered that boys were attracted to my looks (and by looks I now realize it was more like my C cup tits). And of course I used to wear pantyhose a lot with those skirts and dresses. I owned numerous pairs of cute dress shoes. Not high fashion, mind you….. keep in mind this was the 90′s and High School girls then did NOT look like High School girls now (and HS girls these days are better at hair, make-up and stylish clothes than me. Aren’t I supposed to be more wise??).

And then it all tapered off again.

Recently I thought very hard as to why;  what happened, what was the catalyst?

Ahh yes. I can almost pinpoint it now. I gained weight slowly after my dad died. So slowly at first that I almost didn’t notice. I bought cheap, crappy “temporary” clothes because I was in denial. But then they became tight as well. In short order, I got fat.

The fatter I became, the less choices I had for clothing. The worse I felt, the worse I looked. I can remember a time period when I barely wore makeup, hell some days I didn’t even wear a proper bra! I worked retail jobs so my work clothes were a genderless outfit. I wasn’t a big social butterfly, so my other clothes weren’t that great because they didn’t need to be. I had a fiance who loved me and wanted me just the way I was, so what did it matter? It only mattered when I was occasionally around a certain friend who always looked pretty no matter what, who was thin and wore better clothes. I felt “dumpy” no matter how hard I tried, when I did try. I reverted back to my tomboy childhood ways and stopped caring. I scoffed at the women who got manicures. What a waste of money! How silly! I could spend that $50 on a computer part and be WAY happier! Oh how I laugh at that, now.

The catalyst for the revival of femme within myself was that I met someone online; my monogamous relationship opened up. For a while there though my style was half-femme half-slut. If it was low cut and sexy while still being flattering and covering up my bad spots, then it was for me. In some ways that is still my fashion sense. Over the next few years I slowly, very slowly, crept back into my femme.

Last year, meeting my then-Dom created an even bigger catalyst. He didn’t try to change me, he just saw the potential in me and he knew me – he knew that I saw the office women around the city and felt incredibly inferior and ugly. There’s so many women surrounding me that are SO put together. They looked like they had been through a grand makeover and came out as a shining example of what happens when a skilled stylist has a good canvas to work with. Classy, feminine, always in heels that are still going to be out of my reach.

He encouraged me to go get that manicure that I laughed at years ago, and after a few weeks of attempting on my own to transform my nails from raggedy jaggy stubs to healthy canvasses I gave in. I think I must have stopped to look at them 50 times in the first few days. Then I became minorly obsessed with the littlest hang-nail or chip in my polish. I always had my nailcare kit in my bag. Recently I’ve slacked off a little but I’m ready to get back into it for ME. I don’t want to look longingly at other classy, feminine, pretty women and be jealous. I want to BE one.

I managed to find a pair of “heels” that are femme and cute and make me feel better than my dressy Sketchers. Kitten heels, but its progress. I’ll never wear the towering heels, because my body/feet just can’t do it. But I’ll keep on the lookout for more like these heels.

It’s been years since I would allow myself to leave the house without the basics in makeup, but I need someone experienced to teach me the finer points of being polished. I want to learn more eye make-up styles. And oh my hair…..my poor hair. I have the fine/thin unruly hair of a stylist’s nightmares. Either I am completely unskilled or my hair will just never have that polished feminine look. The 35 different hair products cluttering up my tiny bathroom are a testament though that I try.

I’m still fat. I’m still thoroughly discouraged by my clothes and the clothes that I can find in my size that are equally flattering, age-appropriate, and the right blend of sexy and classy. Perhaps if I had more money to spend on clothes, then I would dress myself the way I want. But for now, the only way that I see out is to lose a lot of weight. And man, that’s about as depressing as looking inside my own closet.

Maybe not. Maybe I just need a mentor. A Femme Guru. Send me to finishing school where I learn to walk in heels with a book balanced on my head.

Or just fuckin nominate me for “What Not to Wear”.

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IN THE YEAR 2009

I’m stealing this from Hubman who stole it from NY Diva

IN THE YEAR TWO THOUSAND…(NINE)

1. What did you do that you’d never done before?

A few exhibitionist/voyeuristic things that have been written about; saw a burlesque show; had a “street” hot dog in NYC

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

If I made any, I don’t recall. I probably made a few and didn’t keep them. I’ll make another one or two.

3. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

More sex. A reliable car. A job I like.

4. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory?

August 23rd; April 1st; November 6th

5. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Ha! Oh boy did I ever.

6. What was the best thing you bought?

Our laptop

7. Where did most of your money go?

Bills/rent/living expenses

8. What did you get really, really excited about?

A few plans that got canceled; My trip to NYC; you’d think I would say “my wedding” but I’m not ;)

9. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? A little jaded; more realistic
b) thinner or fatter? Probably a little fatter
c) richer or poorer? A smidge richer, but only because I’m bringing in a little money from my site and commissions

10. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Be more social (in many ways); live in the realm of reality

11. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Eat; pine; live in the world of fantasy

12. How will you be spending new years?

I spent it as we have for the last number of years – not doing much and barely acknowledging the stroke of midnight

13. Did you fall in love in 2009?

—

14. How many one-night stands?

Wouldn’t you like to know ;) The number is somewhere between 0 and 3

15. What was your favorite TV program?

I’ve had a couple – Fringe; House; Pushing Daises (gone now); and a few more that are escaping me.

16. What was the best book you read?

I read a lot, it’s hard to narrow it down. “Certain Girls” by Jennifer Weiner, probably

17. What did you want and get?

A laptop

18. What did you want and not get?

R; a vacation longer than 24 hours

19. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I was 32. I think I went out to eat with hub.

20. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

Smart-dressy-casual that’s femme and sexy. Trying to be more fashion-conscious and feminine.

21. What kept you sane?

My hub, my bff

22. What political issue stirred you the most?

Not going there

23. Who was the best new person you met?

I met a lot of wonderful people in NYC that I hope to see again

24. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009:

Stay more grounded in reality and pay attention to everything.

I am starting this year off on a better foot. My tennis elbow pain is nearly gone; the cortisone shot worked for now. I’m scheduling for an epidural inter-vertebra cortisone shot. I spent the day purging. Out with the old, in with the new. Bought new “everyday” panties and got rid of the sorry ones. Bought a slew of new socks to replace ones that were dead or dying or lost their mates. Purchased all new bed pillows and throwing out the old ones (ick! the things I read about pillows!!). This weekend we’re doing a major clean up, give away, re-organize to the apartment. I can’t stand to live like this any more! We made good headway today, better than I expected, and the endeavor continues this weekend.

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Questions & Answers (1)

If you’re on Twitter, I’m sure you’ve seen a bunch of your comrades doing the Formspring thing, and likely you are too. A couple people prodded me to do one, but rebel that I am, I haven’t linked it up with Twitter and I’ll be answering the questions here on my blog. This has led to very few questions, lol.

The first one is from Nadia (Diary of a Kinky Librarian and @NadiaWest):

Do you think that being a sex blogger has changed you in any way? How so?

Yes, it really has. There’s the obvious in how it has changed my life and lifestyle, but it also has changed *me*. I am more educated on sex-related topics. I am more confident. I am more open in my discussions with my husband and prospective partners regarding sex. I have become more tolerant and accepting of kinks/fetishes that aren’t my thing; some I have even learned to like. Being a sex blogger also brought out my submissive nature in a large degree, which you know if you’ve been reading me for the last year. I don’t know how that particular change will be affecting me from here on out but it is a change nonetheless. All in all it has brought me experiences, friendships & relationships and a frame of mind that I wouldn’t change for anything.

The second one is from Profligacy (Brit’s Master and @Big_Nutz):

What is your wildest unfulfilled fantasy?

There’s many unfulfilled fantasies. Second place spot goes to the D/s sex that I never got from youknowwho. But if you’re asking for the most out-there fantasy? It’s probably nothing shocking to many readers, and of course it’s a little dangerous. Am I going to tell you right now? *grins*

No. I’ll be dedicating another post to that.

An anonymous questioner asked:

How did you come to learn what works best for your body in terms of sex toys or masturbation style?

Practice. Practice! And finally buying the right sex toys. You all know that my love affair with toys is only about 5 years long; I had had a couple toys prior to that but I really never used them. They weren’t the right thing for me, but I didn’t see a reason to seek out anything else. I had a partner, a sex life I was happy enough with, and that was that. But the day I finally felt an unadulterated strong vibration on my clit? That was the day it all changed. I began buying more vibrators. I wasn’t buying from the right online sites though, because the reviews (if any) were of no help. I wasted a lot of money, frankly. Unless you’re easy to orgasm, you shouldn’t just use the eenie-meenie-miney-moe method of choosing a sex toy. So through reading the reviews of other bloggers and trying out toys myself via reviewing, I’ve learned what my body likes and needs. I’ve learned how to better read reviews from others, because the opinions put forth in a review are going to vary.

Practice. Experiment. Educate.

Want to know anything else? Ask me, either anonymously or not.

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