Posted by Lilly | 12 Comments

Why I’m a Bratty Sub (Soul Searching)

The thing about words is that meanings can twist just like a snake, and if you want to find snakes look for them behind words that have changed their meaning.   ~Terry Pratchett

An outside source had sparked some deep searching thoughts in myself and some conversations between he and I about submission and then specifically my submission.

Our relationship is mostly  not about D/s. The basis is close friendship and in that we are equals. Sexually, I’m his submissive; I consider him my Master. But yet I still fight it. The following of orders. Orders I don’t necessarily like or want to do at that moment. There are even sexual things, fantasies, that I will go along with that I don’t actually like…..I’m doing it to please my Master.

Half of me says to that: WTF! Grow a backbone, sister! Your mind is goin about this allll wrong. You are being a doormat and you need to fuckin stand up for yourself!

Other half of me says to that: Pleasing your dominant doesn’t always mean it’s a bed of roses for the submissive. But a good dominant knows enough about his submissive to know that right now she’s not ok with it and won’t like it, but when it happens after the first or second time…..she’ll like it. And so far, for the most part, that’s been the case. There were things I didn’t want that I now think “ohhhh yes that’s hot, yes I want to do it – for myself and for him”.

I’m not really sure all the time just where the D/s side of our relationship stands (sometimes it is always there just bubbling under the surface, ready and able to pop out at any time but then other times real life intervenes and the D/s dynamic hasn’t seen the light of day in weeks) but I expressed an interest in wanting “more” submission. What is more? I don’t yet know. Perhaps in my ramblings here and feedback from you I can figure it out.

Mollena wrote up a very non-linear “thinking out blog” posting that’s kinda-sorta along this vein and she nailed it with the term I had been searching for: Obedience versus Submission.Except that her and I have different viewpoints.

To me, obedience is….god, many things I don’t like. The situations I have been in that one has to “be obedient” are always situations that make me feel demeaned. Looked down upon. Retail jobs are a big part of this. We’re taught that the customer is always right and all that crap. I took a lot of shit working in retail as long as I did. Both from customers and managers. But I had to behave a certain way. I had to curtsy and smile and say “I’ll do my best to help you” when I was really seething inside because they had treated me like a piece of dirt. When what I really wanted to say is “Learn how to fucking treat people better, you twat. You are dead wrong on this matter – quit acting like a spoiled brat and get the fuck out!” But…..I couldn’t say that and keep my job. Then I took an office job in which my boss was a scatterbrained tyrant who scared the poop out of me. Partly him, partly my fault – he’d demand such-and-such right this instant and if I didn’t know where it was in 2 seconds, I panicked thinking perhaps I lost it. Again, I was obedient and almost subservient to him and I resented it. I resented him and the job and the fact that I needed to keep that job. There were times when he treated me like shit. Verbally. Made me feel worthless and 2 inches tall.

R is naturally a blunt fellow in all aspects, even when we’re just in “friend” dynamic. He is not trying to be mean, not at all. But combine a blunt person with a person who is a bit overly sensitive in some areas….And then combine all that with his Dom side? It’s not always easy.

R: Go in and take a pic of your tongue on your own nipple. Send to her AND CC to me

me: ok….

R: tell her it is a gift from R

*swats your ass* go

me: going.

me: back. and sent.

R: then why don’t I see it in my inbox

you sent to her and CC’d me?

me: no, i forwarded it from my phone to you and to my email. from my email on to her.

R: I’m confused

me: she doesn’t know my cell number, she wouldn’t know who its from. so i had to send it from my phone to my own email address, first.

R: yes…and from your e-mail to the both of us? Or just each of us separately?

that’s the part where I’m confused.

me: from my email to just her. i sent it to YOU via my phone.

R: this is not what I told you to do, now is it.

and the pic is not the one I told you to take either.

So can you see, then, how some areas of being a submissive (especially to someone who can have an evil unforgiving streak when he’s deep into that frame of mind) are big old red trigger buttons that make me want to set my jaw and harden my stare and say “Fuck you, no I won’t.” Or get bratty. Or try to prove him wrong when he makes a challenging statement about me.

I didn’t always want submission. In fact, until this past year, I didn’t quite understand it. What it did for others. Why it was ok and it wasn’t abusive, or how the submissive could like it and not feel demeaned. I know now, I’ve read the writings of others who identify as submissive and I opened my mind. But for a while….all I wanted was rough sex. Kinky sex. Hold-me-down-and-make-me-powerless sex. With R, that evolved. It still is evolving. I went from identifying more as a “bottom” no matter what to acquiescing to being submissive…but it’s only with him. I do not feel submissive with just anyone. It is an earned right with me. It is rare. I can and do crave the bottom role with others; the roughness, receiving pain and pleasure, not being the one in control.

I’m not sure what it stems from, but I tend to do things to make others happy. Make them like me? And sometimes I think that I rationalize “If I do this for him, he’ll like me more.”. I know, I know, it’s 876 kinds of fucked up. I know. But its subconscious – I don’t actually think that out loud…in fact I didn’t even realize that it was an aspect of it until a week ago. And I must admit that I didn’t like that realization. Will R leave me if I don’t want anal sex? Will R like me more if I swallow? As a person? No, he won’t. In that moment sexually, I’m sure he would though, lol.

Still, quite a lot of the D/s dynamic feels like a scolding parent-child boss-servant dynamic. Feels like it. It’s not. But that’s where I’m at sometimes in my head and why I get defiant. R is not doing anything “wrong”. I read of other dominants who make him look tame. Alright, not tame per se but a whole lot more tolerable. I need to work on this and learn how to meld D/s obedience into my submission and let go of my past conceptions on obedience.  Because I don’t like feeling that way. It does, however, provide a bit of work for him….I do not just lay down and serve. It makes him bring out his Dominance even more. That part I suspect he likes. So I don’t want to turn into the Stepford Wife version of a submissive.

I still hold myself taut when submitting. I cannot fully let go. That’s something that I want to work on with him. As I said before, I want “more” – except that I can’t get more when I don’t know what I’m asking for or how to ask for it.

Please, weigh in. Lengthy comments are welcome. I’d like to hear from everyone whether you identify as dominant, submissive or switch. (note: any bashing of R and his style of dominating, or anything really, won’t be tolerated. period.) I’d really like to hear if others agree/disagree with how I see obedience and submission and if not….give me your take on it all. Thanks.

A Related Post:

~ Submission: Give and Take

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