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Why I Hate JIMMYJANE: Part 1 – The Form 3 Review

Subtitled: When you’re right, you’re right or I should listen to my gut more

Once long ago in Babeland I fondled a few JimmyJane vibrators and was summarily unimpressed. I read a litany of mixed reviews from the entire spectrum of “LOVE IT” to “DIE IN A FIRE” and had figured out that JimmyJane’s Form line was largely overpriced “luxury” crap.

I was right. At least I got that goin for me.

I had an opportunity to grab the Form 6 and Form 3 from Red over at ToySwap (along with the now-defunct Cone vibrator and a Metal Worx “steel” dildo) and even though I knew I was probably going to hate them I JUST HAD TO. The things I do for you guys.

JIMMYJANE Form 3

In case you’ve been living under a rock, the innovative design of the Form 3 is supposed to combine your finger with the vibrator for “enhanced touch”¹. Except…it really doesn’t. The motor is in the body of the vibrator, which is the lower half. Then the silicone forms a scoop that is just a silicone extension, sort of like a Rabbit Vibrator on steroids. The material vibrates but the portion where the motor resides isn’t what you press to your clit. You can put this “lip” or tongue or whatever sideways between your labia for a meh amount of vibration. But the design’s intention is for you to push your finger in the center there. The silicone in this section is a membrane and it feels like pushing in on a balloon. The problem is that as soon as you do this….and you touch your silicone finger to your body….the vibrations are practically nil. It’s a pretty simple theory as to why the vibrations are not being transmitted: it’s a piece of silicone material being vibrated by a distanced motor and as soon as you apply enough pressure, the vibrations nearly stop transmitting through the material altogether. To push through the membrane and have your finger-via-silicone touching your clit or your partner’s clit requires a lot of pressure. If you have any strength issues with your hand, any physical disabilities, etc you will probably not be able to use this. Arthritis? Carpal Tunnel? Tennis Elbow? FORGET IT.

So you turn the Form 3 on and you’re thinking “Hey…this seems pretty powerful!” and then you lightly touch the thicker sides of the scoop/lip/tongue and they’re “ok” but then you add a little more pressure and 60% of vibrations have left the building. You then awkwardly push your index finger through the silicone and suddenly 90% of the vibrations have left the building. I found myself grinding the rigid body of the Form 3 against my clit just to feel something. Except that it’s surface-buzzy for the most part. Definitely not deep or rumbly like the We Vibe Touch. The controls on it though are easier to use than those on the Form 6. Press “+” to turn it on and go through the 5 levels of vibrations; press “-” to turn it down or off, there is no “quick off” though. The bottom with the “~” symbol controls the pulsation type functions.

Even more frustrating is trying to charge the goddamn thing. It sits there, easy and cute in it’s charging base. The contacts must touch and they must touch just so. It’s more difficult to align than your average rechargeable computer mouse. Since it’s not magnetic it doesn’t snap into place and since the vibrator has a rounded body and the metal contact isn’t flat either you have an irritating game of the Weebles: JimmyJane Edition. Form 3 will blink at you like it’s laughing as you set it in the cradle and it falls over a little or slips down like drunken college kid trying to sit upright. After 15 tries and a few minutes you finally have the thing sitting just so and the charging light remains steady – forever. You won’t know by looking at it when it’s fully charged. No no, you have to pick it up and look at it for the blink pattern ² and if you pulled it off too soon there we go again with the goddamn Weeble shit.

For all of the innovations packed into this little thing and the hefty price tag ($140-150) it is quite possibly a bigger rip-off than any Lelo toy when you rack up all the fails. If I wanted to sugar-coat it I could say that “it’s a great tease!” or “great for foreplay!” but you know what? I don’t come to vibrator-land looking for a fuckin tease. My fingers already have that job. Foreplay? Tongues are the VP. The job of my vibrator is to get me from any state of arousal to orgasm. Vibrators are my CEO, President and Head Bitch of the Orgasms Department. I am not willing to pay $145 for TEASING. I get that for free.

The JimmyJane Form 3 is a clitoral vibrator made of silicone and it is waterproof and rechargeable and a large disappointment.

Who will like this: Anybody who enjoys buying luxury sex toys and requires barely any vibration added to pressure and massage of the clitoris for orgasm; if you require no pressure with your vibrator and like vibrations on the side of clit
Try this instead: We Vibe Touch – same size, rechargeable, luxury, much better vibrations OR Leaf Spirit if you don’t require strong & rumbly vibrations – moderate power, luxury, rechargeable, half the size of the Touch or Form 3, very unobtrusive.

This is enough venom and fire for one post, so the Form 6 will be talked about separately. OH HOW WE WILL TALK.

 

This toy was procured on my own time, however:
this post sponsored is by: EdenFantasys (What this means), a sex toy store

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Posted by Lilly | 3 Comments

Lelo Tiani Review – from the Lelo SenseMotion Insignia Line

Sexforums.com contacted me last month to see if I’d be willing to do a review for Lelo’s newest addition (the Lelo Tiani) to coincide with their giveaway. Having already reviewed the Lelo Isla, their first line of “ultra premium” Insignia sex toys (and been one of the few people who couldn’t find much good to say about it) I was skeptical. But I was terribly curious about this SenseMotion thing and dying to see if a company like Lelo could be the one to pull off a remote controlled vibrator that actually worked. Believe me, I really wanted the Lelo Tiani to work out despite my jaded skepticism.

 

Between vibrating panties and wireless remote control vibrators there’s already plenty on the market that mainly don’t work very well. Whether the complaint is that they lack power/intensity, or the wireless remote’s connection to the vibe is wonky at best and doesn’t live up to the range distance claims, or that the remote is so simple the wielder has no idea if the toy is buzzing away for the other person and at what level – they’re all largely a waste of money and are all pretty expensive. This wireless stuff is pricey business.

Click here to read the rest of this review

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An Open Letter to the Sex Toy Industry

As I sit here in yesterday’s clothes and a forehead wrinkle that would make most upper class women instinctively reach out to rub it smooth and tell me the wonders of Botox, darling, I’m really happy that I have a job where I can sit here at home and do a little work and then do a little of this or that and put in my time in snippets. It works around my doctor visits and my grocery shopping and my trips to see/help my mother¹. Some days it leads me to sex toys and sex toy manufacturers that absolutely disgust me; some days it simply leads me to companies that merely annoy me because of their cheesy crap and half-ass site; other days I’m shown the better side and see that there is good in the sex toy world.

I will start out addressing the small companies, the niche companies who are ultimately good eggs with products ranging from pretty decent to admirable. I write this post not to just let off some steam but with the smallest glimmer of hope that maybe…….just maybe….some of these words will land on the right computer screen and be taken to heart. Maybe one change will happen.

Dear Small Company;

You are trying hard. You are fighting the good fight, perhaps. You are making your items out of body-safe materials and you are not trying to pass off a wolf in sheep’s clothing as an innocent lamb². But your online presence is really fucking important. Your website is super fucking important. As a customer I want photos and I want details. Lots and lots of details. I want to know the every dimension and exactly how it works. I don’t want some artistic/”French”/mysterious website that is more about the visual than the information. I can see your item or your kit and yet I have no fucking idea what exactly it is? I’m not going to buy it. As a person working for a reseller I want high quality photos of every item and every color and even more details than I’d want as a customer. Why do you make our jobs hard, when all we want to do is sell your product? How can we underlings write up your great products so that Consumer Joe Schmoe who doesn’t know jelly from silicone can see that they’re better and that they should buy your item instead of some dodgy crap from the Walmart-equivalents³ of sex toy manufacturing?

Update your site. Make it easy to browse and easy to read. Sure, go for your artistic merit but don’t let it take over the main goal: Showcasing your worthy sex toy product and telling us why it’s worth twice the money for what looks like the same thing from the Big Guys. Don’t skimp on the information about you and the toy. At all.

Dear Middle-but-good Company;

You’ve managed to become a name. A brand that people trust. You use silicone and I trust you that it’s actually and honestly 100% medical grade silicone. Now I will fully admit to not knowing a damn thing about how your stuff is manufactured and why your dildos cost as much as my monthly cable-slash-phone bill⁴ so I don’t feel that I can whine about them being so pricey. But it is really hard to sell your product to those people who haven’t learned their lesson yet or just are too cheap to care – all they see is $55/$75 for a sex toy when hey there’s one over there for $19.95! Some of those people will eventually learn; maybe after their doctor explains that the burning redness is from that dildo, or maybe after a storage mishap and their dildo melts.

Dear Luxury Sex Toy Manufacturers;

Despite being a toy snob, I’m not really a fan of you on the whole. Sometimes I am, like with Njoy but then they kinda fall into the small-niche moreso than luxury. But Njoy at least lives up to their price tag. You luxury guys….eh. You’re all about the bells and whistles and the super pretty packaging. A vibrator that you can customize to your preferred shape or rotation is impressive on paper but when I actually go to use it and find that all your promises are as useless as a fake Hallmark card? I’m gonna be harsh and pissed that I spent (or theoretically spent if given it for review) upwards of $100 on your sex toy, thinking that for sure YOU got me and finally…something good.

To you I have two things to say: Let your products speak for themselves – and save the buyers money by cutting back on that fancy ass packaging and the brooch⁵ and the extras. Second, for fucks sake gimme a better vibrator motor! If the cheap shit companies can use a motor that produces vibrations that go beyond tickling the surface of my skin so can you. The women and men who are buying your toys are not delicate fucking flowers. Put a decent motor in there that produces a vibration to be proud of, dammit, and then the controls for multiple speeds will make everyone happy – from the delicate flowers to the tough cookies. I do not like or support Doc Johnson on the whole (as an example) but unfortunately they make a couple bullet vibrators that are perfect – motor-wise. Zini, Lelo, Je Joue, JimmyJane, Nomi Tang, and others who create different/fun/new/pretty/innovative sex toys: I’d be backing you if your motors weren’t as limp as a wet noodle 9 times out of 10.

Dear Big Boys who’ve been around since the internet was invented and then some;

I’mma go ahead and name names right here – I’ve said this all before, it will come as no shock and I am not shy in voicing my disgust. CalExotics. Pipedreams. You guys make a lot of shitty products, some downright offensive products, and some eh products. I don’t trust you, I don’t like you. But you’re a big company and you’re everywhere. You have the Walmart angle. All of a sudden your previously labeled “jelly” toy is now suddenly body-safe non-porous TPR? Nope. Don’t believe you. Especially when it still fucking stinks to high heaven. Your perpetuation of disgusting gender stereotypes and bad ideas that you sell with copy that would make your own mother blush and you justify it by saying that it’s flying off the shelves so it’s what guys want⁶ and by golly you gotta give the people what they WANT! Fuck that. Have some fucking integrity. Topco, Doc Johnson – you might have some (minor) redeeming qualities/products but overall you’re crap. You, too, are contributing to the unsafe materials and shoddy mechanics and the bottom line is that you don’t care. You are a politician.

I can’t say anything to the powers that be in your companies. You will never EVER change. All I can hope for is that somehow those of us who know better are able to drown out your voice with the voices of the people who care and who are trying to produce something with integrity rather than make a buck.

Dear Resellers/Retail Stores who are determined to carry every product made;

I get it. You’re in this to make money. You’re one of a million other sites and the competition is stiff. But really, do you have to lower your standards and put flowery copy writing on utter shit and sell the items that might actually cause cancer, or at the very least are a colossal waste of the consumers money? Adam & Eve was the first site I bought a sex toy from. But when those first two sex toys quickly showed their ugly underbelly I lost faith in them as a whole. And I never shopped there again. You can make money AND have integrity. It requires a little more hard work, though. The internet isn’t the land of the quick, easy buck anymore.

I’ve been reviewing sex toys for 3 years. I’ve reviewed more than some people, but far fewer than others (which is probably because after the first year I was reluctant to review something that I just knew I wouldn’t like and it’s hard to review item after item that leaves you jaded and I’m not easy to please – but I’m not impossible either. I just refuse to sugarcoat a half-ass product). I’ve seen a lot. I’ve grown to know that I don’t have to put a positive, happy spin on every review I do even if the product wasn’t my thing or is overpriced. Would it help pad my bank account, as an affiliate? Sure it would. But that isn’t the reason I started reviewing toys and I’m going to be blunt. If that means I am the only person on the web saying that the latest high-tech Lelo toy is a sopping wet disappointment? So fucking be it. I’m not trying to be mean, I’m trying to be real and save other people like me the money.

It’s heartbreaking to see the little companies die. Jollies LLC made some great sex toys and they were really innovative without trying too hard (Zini, Je Joue, etc). Their products were at once simple yet unique yet just what we needed at the quality we wanted. But they went the way of the little corner bookstore after a Barnes and Noble moved in two blocks down. And it’s sad.

Signed,

Jaded but Hopeful (in a cheerful Comic Sans font)

 

(If you are a “recipient” of one of these letters, for once I will allow companies to comment on a post. I generally don’t because they’re usually just trying to get a free link but if you are genuine in your response then I’ll post it. But don’t be offended if I remove the link to your company’s site and please….use your real name in the comment name field, and not the name of your company)

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Quickie Review: Vanity VR2 by Jopen

Recently I reviewed the VR6, a dual-stimulator/”rabbit” style from the Vanity line. But the times that I wished I could just lop off the clitoral arm and use only the internal portion made me recently acquire the Vanity VR2 in a swap. I figured that at least one end of this long, mostly-straight version HAD to have the same gorgeous, Barry-White-esque pitch that the VR6 had.

Wow, was I wrong in my assumption.

The VR2 has a bit of a retarded design. In between the small end and the fat end it is very flexible. In fact, with the fat end inside of me I was able to bend the smaller end up to meet my clitoris, for the most part. Except that that ended up pushing the fat end towards the vaginal/anal wall and away from my g-spot. But the important part of this quickie review is that the VR2 motors are nothing like the VR6. They are buzzy and bland in the small end, and not very rumbly and not entirely powerful in the fat end.

Herein lies the most irritating design factor of the VR2: The buttons are located NOT in the middle, but on the fat end. The fat end that vibrates. The fat end that is the only end that would feel like anything at all inside of me. How the FUCK am I supposed to control the thing with the buttons buried inside of me?!? At least I never got to the point of orgasm with it where my PC muscles might have had a chance at turning off the motors, lol.

The more I read about Vanity/Jopen toys, the more disappointed I am. They had POTENTIAL, man. Real potential. But peel away the fancy cocktail dress and you still have CaliforniaExotics, and that really says it all. I won’t say that 100% of their toys are bad, because I’ve had the occasional decent one (in terms of vibration pitch and intensity, not necessarily quality/design). And of the Vanity line that I’ve seen, I can personally recommend the VR6 for lovers of deep, rumbly internal vibrations. I’m reluctantly recommending the Vanity VR3 rabbit because from what I read it seems to be similar to the VR6 but with the clit arm angled up instead of in, and the g-spot more bulby instead of curved – until I experience it for myself, if I ever do, I won’t say it’s got the same motors as the VR6 but if I take the word of the opinion of the on-site reviewer as being the same opinion as mine on the VR6 then yeah, same motor.

I’m seeing a lot of people raving over these and when we’re accustomed to the almost child-like designs of bunnies and butterflies and pearls and enough simultaneous action to appease the most ADHD masturbator, it’s understandable. But they’re NOT the perfect rabbit vibes. The VR6 is the closest I’ve come to a really awesome rabbit vibe, yeah. Perfect? Just not possible. But hey. The VR6 is better than the Zini Roae or the Je Joue G-ki, in my book both for power/pitch and function/design.

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Ono Pleasure: Cleo Massager Review

Long ago and in a land far away I wanted a Cone vibrator. Eventually I read enough reviews that told me to avoid it. Sadly there were not enough reviews out when I asked for the Cleo that would have told me to stay away. In fact, nearly all of the people on EdenFantasys who’ve reviewed it already claim that it’s a lot of things that I claim it is not.

Brass Tacks – What does it feel like? The number one thing that other people claim it is (to which I say “Are we using the same toy?!?”¹) is Powerful. While I can agree that to some women  this might be considered “powerful” it isn’t to me and I have enough to compare it to to say that with confidence. Here’s the thing – a deep, rumbley sort of vibration can feel like it’s more powerful than it is. That’s why I tend to enjoy them so much. That sort of vibration stimulates beyond the surface.  But then to those women who find the Cleo powerful the Wahl, the Harmony Bullet, or any electric massager will be considered “whoa nelly you’ll burn off my clit” powerful. This isn’t to say I’m right and you’re wrong or vice versa. But I cannot ever give this toy an intensity rating of anything higher than 3 out of 5. Maaaaybe a 3.5 out of 5 but EF’s rating system tragically doesn’t allow for half-star choices². And I’ve even tried 2 different sets of batteries to be sure one wasn’t half-dead. How sad is it that I have toys that pack a far greater punch on half the battery power?? My Harmony bullet is the same deep vibrations and runs on 2 AAA’s and knocks the pants off the Cleo in terms of power. Sometimes even *I* have to back down off the top level of vibrations on the Harmony.

Ono Cleo vs Lelo Mona – I know, their shapes are nothing alike, nor are their intended uses. But it was the best vibe I could find that had the same type of rumbly vibrations. I would say that High on the Cleo is like setting 5/6 out of 8/9 on the Mona (I had trouble determining exactly how many levels there were on the Mona). I always expect a battery-powered vibe to be more intense than a rechargeable. That’s usually been my experience. Not this time!

The Cleo’s big draw is the unique shape which is great for those who like to rub/grind their clit against a vibe. The other big draw is that it’s meant to be used in the shower/tub because it comes with a big-ass dual-sided suction cup. Ah, the suction cup. I hate it.

1. It stinks, and fairly noticeably at that
2. Unlike the SinFive suction cup dildos, the suction cup base does not firmly affix to the toy via screwing in. It’s a suction cup on both sides. It suctions to the toy AND to the wall, leaving two points of possible instability.
3. Suction cups are picky fuckers – they require a completely 100% flat and smooth surface. Too much moisture, too little moisture, it slides around or falls off. Do you know how cringe-worthy it is to have your solo tub session come to a clattering LOUD halt when your sex toy falls off the wall?!?

You can most assuredly use this without the suction cup feature. Unfortunately….this requires big hands if you need to hold it. As you can see below, I had trouble holding the base with my small hands. Sure, I could set it down on my bed/pillow/other surface and grind away but the base is slippery smooth, hard plastic. And the base unscrews very quickly – there are no threads, just a quick quarter-twist. (this also makes me highly question the waterproof-ness, since there’s no rubber o-ring)

What is up with that shape? It’s an interesting shape – in fact it kinda reminds me of a pommel horse (ex-gymnasts cheer! a vibrating pommel horse!). A design that, again, I thought would get me off. And it might have if the vibrations were a bit more intense or a bit more concentrated. They are concentrated to a degree in the larger protrusion but it’s not enough for me personally. I’m also not sure what the point is to the dual humps. For me this grinding/rubbing action is only good for the clit, not my vulva or labia (but others might love that) and it’s certainly not capable of penetration. I just don’t get it.

I’m supposed to reach around where now?? The controls are just two buttons discretely hidden in the silicone, plus and minus. They seem to be located in a really bad spot for changing the setting during use – they are located underneath the smaller of the two humps….and most of the vibration is in the larger hump. This means I would have to reach under or back around me to change it during use. So I had to choose the setting (high, straight vibrations for yours truly) and then put the toy in place. Since I hate patterns and found the lower levels of vibration boring, this ended up working out for me but won’t for those who like to change up their sensations during use. The buttons themselves require a bit of effort to push (certainly not as easy as Lelo buttons) and glow faintly when pressed. There’s a number of different vibration intensity settings and then eight different pattern settings.Really? 8? Overkill but if you like patterns you’ll be sure to find one here you can enjoy.

The packaging is also sub-par for a toy of this price. It comes in a colorful + black flimsy glossy cardboard box with a window. There is nothing “premium” about the packaging and so don’t expect to use it for storage. There’s no storage bag or anything for it. For the cost of this toy I’d expect at least an upgrade on the packaging.

Bottom line: I’m having a really tough time recommending this. Since it’s primarily marketed as a shower toy, the base is difficult to use without the suction cup action. But it also doesn’t quite work too well in the shower. For the flaws, the lack of oomph, the pitiful packaging and finally the high price tag – I’d say to avoid it unless you can catch it on a really good sale and don’t require direct / intense vibrations. If rubbing with moderate vibrations is your thing, you might like this. But, really Ono? A price tag of over $70?? No. Other than the fact that the colored, main portion is velvety silicone I can find absolutely nothing about this toy to justify this price. If it were priced more like the Pleasure Tops (which sadly isn’t silicone) then I could recommend it as a novelty addition. Sure, it comes in pretty colors and looks different and cool. Does that make up for everything else? No.

• Gimmic: Shower Time Vibrating Massager
• Materials: Silicone and ABS plastic
• Cleaning Method: Wipe Down, no alcohol
• Lube: No Silicone

Thanks to Edenfantasys for sending me this sex toy in exchange for my take-no-prisoners honest review

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