Feb 172010

(This post first appeared over at Edencafe.com)

First let me explain my take on the “typical” brain of feminine vs masculine. I do realize that just by saying that I’ve already ruffled some feathers. The saying “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” DOE S have its valid points.

I’m equally a logical and emotional person. It’s hell, lemme tell ya. I need to totally *understand* something, I need to know why. Why, why, why. I’m like a 2 year old. I cannot just do something “because”. If I at least know why I’m doing it and what comes next then I’m much better able to do my part. But I also act and react very emotionally, I’m very much an empath. Anyways, back to the logic. I have fibromyalgia which is a very misunderstood disease (but they do know that brain chemicals are either affected or a partial cause and I believe that the main chemicals affected are serotonin and dopamine) and I have a dopamine deficiency. ADD, ADHD, whatever label you want to put on it. When you run down the symptoms, I’m a textbook case. But I have other oddities that make me hard to diagnose. So in the course of trying to figure out what is wrong with me, I’ve done a lot of research. Learning what others like me are like. Forming my own theories that may or may not be a grand revelation to the science community at large.

Even if you don’t have a “mental disorder”, I believe that everyone’s brain hormones/chemicals are not all at perfectly balanced middle-of-the-road levels. Everyone has a skew, and that forms your personality. It’s when the skew is too severe that one is then diagnosed with depression, anxiety, bi-polar, ADD, etc. So my outlook is kinda like…..a horoscope. I am most compatible with other people that have a similar chemical skew/imbalance. If their dopamine is lower, I’ll get along with them. ( I hope this explanation makes sense to you all, lol).

They already know that biological men and women use their brains differently. But that’s what they can see and measure. What they haven’t been able to measure yet are the levels of the brain hormones. So I’m not saying here that my thoughts on the chemical differences pertain to *biological* male/female roles, obviously, but the self-identifying masculine/feminine roles. The typical feminine brain skews a little lower on serotonin. The typical masculine brain skews a little lower on dopamine. Disclaimer: I’m not saying that this is fact, I am saying that in all my logical thoughts, this has to be true. One big reasoning is that many of my little ADD-quirks/issues/problems….to some degree are all complaints that wives generally have about their husbands. Like I’m more likely to forget birthdays and anniversaries. I lose track of time. That whole domestic drive to  clean the house and run errands when you’d really rather sit on yer butt? Yeah I don’t have that and you’ll find me sitting on my ass till there’s no clean undies and we’re outta milk. When a female asks me if I notice anything different, I’m going to be staring blankly at her just like most men would.

I hope I didn’t lose you – this topic of brain chemistry and why I, without fail, get along the best with people with similar chemistry levels as my own is all seriously fascinating to me. Even if the knowledge doesn’t do me any good with treatment I still like understanding it all as best as possible.

Anyways. Contradictions, contrasts, puzzle pieces.

I’m the girl in full makeup who’s fixing your computer and babbling in geek-speak.

I’m the girl wearing perfume who’s hanging with the guys, playing MMORPG games and being just as competitive as them.

I’m the girl in the group of people who will admonish the man with a “Don’t be such a pig!” to his pervy comment all the while silently agreeing and staring at that chicks ass right along with him.

I’m the girl in sexy clothes and kitten heels who would be happily tagging along to a car show, admiring the details and work on big, loud muscle car or a sleek, expensive sports car.

In my mind I objectify women as I ogle them but I don’t let on outloud, for that’s not proper. I know it’s not right but it happens anyway. I’m terrible at being domestic even when it has to be done. I didn’t inherit the gene that makes my mind think “We’re having company! I better dust!” like my mother and her mother before her. I drive too fast, I swear too much and I don’t remember your birth date. I could spend just as much money at Sephora as I could at Newegg.com. I am competitive beyond compare and fuck you if you beat me.

And when I read about other bisexual or bi-curious women talking about how softly they would kiss a woman, how the sex would be sensual and spiritual and *cue sound of abrupt record-scratching to signify a halt* – I think “why??” I want to kiss and be kissed like I would kiss a man. Kissing men, kissing women, it’s not a different activity for me it’s kissing a person and I like it passionate. Not feathery kitten kisses. I want to have hot, sweaty, kinda-rough passionate sex with a woman just as I would with a man.

But yet I want to be swept off of my feet in romance. I want the grand gestures. I want the Dom type of guy sometimes, to a degree. I have my days of wanting to be pampered and beautiful and wanted and loved. You don’t have to hold the door for me unless my hands are full, but I’d appreciate it if you compliment how I look, even though I may blush and dip my head.

I am a contradiction in flesh and blood and sometimes I just don’t know which way to go.

Dec 022008

For as many of you out there that enjoy or even prefer tits of my size, I’m sure there are equal number of those we simply don’t. Who prefer A or B cups. To which I have to say…..WTF are you doing here? LOL

I have a profile up on a dating/networking site, and of course I have photos. I have put up perhaps two that have posted here, and maybe 6 or 7 various ones that include my face. And really now….unless I’m wearing a turtleneck (don’t own one) or an unflattering t-shirt (don’t own one) my cleavage is going to be apparent. It’s going to be -there- to some degree. And of course you just cannot please everyone and I don’t expect to. But again….what IS the point in sending someone a disparaging message? This asshat says to me that I lack subtlety. That I’m “risking being pigeonholed by putting that message out there”.

That’s what the fuckin profile is for, dude. Really. I’ve even shown you guys parts of it – I’m wordy, lol. And really what does he care?

Ahh but there is someone who appreciates the photos I have up there. Well, actually, many many someones but this one…..ohdearlord. Murphy’s Law in effect, she lives in California and never has been to this coast in her young life. Young, you say? Yes.

She’s 19.

I do feel ever-so-slightly like a dirty old man but…..nahhhh. I’ll play Mrs. Robinson to her ;) Now THAT girl had some “lacking subtlety” photos up but was I complaining? Nosireebob. I was staring like the cartoon wolf at a photo of her, naked, playfully covering up the naughtiest bits. And hey, SHE contacted ME. So I’m alright. She’s….wow. Beautiful dark brown eyes constantly ringed in smudgy eyeliner. A body that is all the right kinds of curvy while still being thin. No bones poking out, impossibly soft-looking skin, just a body I could literally feast on for HOURS. I would happily devour her and require little in return.


Anyone wanna spring for airfare, and the right to sit quietly in the corner and jerk off while her and I go at it? hehe

It’s Tuesday! You know what that means…..Tits!!

This week’s TfT shot is…well….the opposite of subtle. In fact, it’s nearly 3D. Attack of the tits, even! So if “large racks” aren’t your thing, then skip over my photo there. There’s plenty of skinny girls to satisfy you at TfT!



really now, don’t say I didn’t warn you…..