Posted by Lilly | 6 Comments

How quickly we forget

Very short post today, as my brain is fried and this sense of being overwhelmed just won’t quit. I’ve been reading a lot of things lately in the sex bloggosphere that make me shake my head in disgust. It’s adding to my writers block because I just don’t know what to say. Validating a ridiculous assertation or argument with a rebuttal seems pointless. So I’ll remind you all of this one point to keep in mind:

There are always two (or even three) sides to every story.  If all you’re hearing is one side, one negative side, then perhaps you should step back before you jump on bandwagons and consider how many grains of truth lie in this one side. Jealousy, pettiness, anger, hurt, etc have ways of inflating drama and making half-truths feel real to the listener of tales of woe, betrayal or dismissal and vacuum-cleaner-salesman tales of caution, injury and how your life is miserable relying on product A when what you really need is product B.

At any rate, if you listen to people who are full of hot air, you’ll just end up confused. I know I am, after reading this interview with Prince wherein he proclaims that the Internet is a has-been:

He says: “The internet’s completely over. I don’t see why I should give my new music to iTunes or anyone else. They won’t pay me an advance for it and then they get angry when they can’t get it.

“The internet’s like MTV. At one time MTV was hip and suddenly it became outdated. Anyway, all these computers and digital gadgets are no good.

“They just fill your head with numbers and that can’t be good for you.”

Read more: http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/news/2010/07/05/prince-world-exclusive-interview-peter-willis-goes-inside-the-star-s-secret-world-115875-22382552/#ixzz0sukWdp8d

Thank you, Prince, I see the light now. Your music is awesome but you’re a strange little bird.

Here’s some “numbers” for you, dear readers, enjoy:

One of my favorite FM.com participants, Tori Black.

And don’t forget about my Formspring box over there. I allow anonymous questions and some of them I’ll answer here on the blog.

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Posted by Lilly | 13 Comments

When Worlds Collide: Lilly vs. L

(This post originally appeared over at Edencafe. It appears here now in hopes it will bring more discussion.)

There are two sides to me. The Lilly you see online and the L that most others see in reality (and how I feel in reality). Sometimes there is a bleeding of the edges betwixt the two worlds and I am gaining comfort in that happening more. This isn’t to say that Lilly is a contrived persona. In fact, not at all. Lilly is what L truly is under the surface. Lilly is the no-holds-barred version of L. There are most definitely pixels shared between the two. A Venn diagram, if you will. The better I know someone and the more comfortable I am with them, the more Lilly and L meld together as almost one.

I don’t mind people staring at Lilly because it’s all virtual and I can control it. But in the stark lights of reality, L feels scrutinized. L says “Don’t look at me”. Lilly says “Oh hey, its naked time? Wait for me!”.

I think that the Lilly you see on Twitter is really more of a meld than most other places. Granted, a lot of L isn’t shared there but it’s much more of an equality of the two. Would L have the cohones to say to a just-introduced guy “Well HELL-o cute boy!!”? Nope. And will Lilly let her Eeyore side out online? As little as fucking possible, thank you. I think the matter at hand is this: how much more Lilly does L need to absorb into her public persona? For I know damn well she could stand more than she’s got.

Ya know why?

Because L needs a goddamn date, that’s why. L needs to move onwards and upwards and find a guy or girl who’s somewhere in between side dish and main course.

And Lilly is way more date-able. No, not because she’s got a bit of teh slut, but because she’s confident and happy-but-snarky (usually, unless she’s pissed off because SOME men think her every sentence must be met with “witty” innuendo-laden replies). But I have news for ya boys: L/Lilly doesn’t fuck on the first date anymore. Sorry, day late and fifty dollars short.

When I posted on my blog a few months ago about my flaws, it was the first time that readers really saw more of L. And I was scared to put that out there! Sometimes I feel like this anonymous blogging / dual-personality shit is fraudulent. I mean, it’s not -  not one bit of Lilly the personality/person is a lie. But I know that L isn’t very shiny and sparkly a lot of the time anymore and that can be a bit of a bummer. I’ve met a few people offline that knew me as Lilly for awhile and I do believe they ended up disappointed with L. I can’t say as I blame them either. Lilly is who I would be all the time if I were surrounded by friends/family/co-workers just like those of you that I know online; Lilly is who I would be without my neurosis.

So what is this? A crisis of identity? Multiple personalities disorder? Split brain? Split pea soup? One thing I do know is that I’m learning about myself in ways that I didn’t expect when I started the blog. I am more self-aware than ever before. Some days it’s a painful awareness but most days it’s a good thing. I can’t tell you the number of times I want to open my mouth and say “Holy shit! I just did XYZ!!!” and it of course related to this blog or e[lust] – and I have to clam up. For the first time I have money now to do a few things, because of my sites. Can I tell anybody? Nope. Can I tell anybody how rockin’ my site design was? Nope. None of my family even knows that I have gone to NYC *at all*, and I’ve gone 3 times since starting this blog. It was very hard for me in the weeks leading up to my November NYC trip to spend time with bloggy friends and attend the NYC Sex Bloggers Calendar Party to have to constantly lie about exactly why I was going to NYC (to the few people I told). I tested the waters once, and when someone asked me what all I was going to do there I listed off a few things and one of them was “see a Burlesque show”.

Silence.

Confusion.

“……what’s ‘burlesque’???”

I tried a few vanilla, simple explanations and when the look of confusion just expounded with each word out of my mouth I finally gave up.

“Nevermind. I’m going to see a show and it’s nowhere near Broadway.”

And that, my friends, was the last time Lilly opened her mouth in L’s world.

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Posted by Lilly | 10 Comments

What Not to Say

I wouldn’t say that I get a lot of reader emails. Perhaps 2-3 most weeks, sometimes more -  sometimes less.

Some are sweet and don’t expect anything in return, they just wanted to compliment in private.

Some are a little cheesy and make me roll my eyes, but I smile nonetheless.

Some give me a glimpse of a person that I could enjoy chatting with – and some do lead to that.

Some are from greedy lil bastards asking for more photos.

Some mean well but missed the mark a little – one that comes to mind bore the subject line of  “Guess who found your blog!” and I swear to you my heart stopped for a moment. He was referring to himself and all in all it was a really nice and sweet email but that subject line….to an anonymous blogger…..whew!

Some try to jump right into cybering and sexy chat. Some ask me what bra size I wear. To those types I have one thing to relay: Have a little respect. Yes, I blog about sex. Yes, I post half-naked photos. And I do indeed have “those” sorts of conversations with other people – people that are not strangers, people that I clicked with. I get these kinds of emails a lot especially from guys on the message boards that I (used to) post on. In general it just rubs me the wrong way when “hello” is barely out of the gate (sometimes not even!) before the schmooze and slippery talkin comes to the table. YOU might be in the mood and horny as hell but consider what the chances might be that I am as well, at the same time as you are, and equally interested in virtually sating that horniness……your chances are pretty close to nil. I might be a sex blogger but I’m still a regular person – not a sexual automaton here to turn it on when you put in your quarter. Try a little intelligent conversation first – smart, eloquent, funny men get my attention right away. (Such as this one, which I had to share because it made me a little weak in the knees: “Your prose sparkles, and as a professional writer, I admire that; after all, there’s nothing sexier than a wicked mind.  Most blogs I’ve chanced across are the text equivalent of porn — all harsh fluorescent glare and workmanlike efficiency; yours is soft light on naked skin, the heady bliss of that first stolen kiss… and the difference, as they say, is ALL the difference.” THAT is the type of mind/man that can make panties drop with words alone.)

Some are…..I don’t know what their intentions were. But it immediately offended me. For example I got an email from someone who was just starting to browse sex blogs and proceeds to tell me all about these other 3 (that I’d actually not heard of) and how great they were but that mine was….well, I’ll let him tell you: “And your thing seems interesting too. But unless I am missing something, it’s kind of just a…”I am getting married and got a lab kind of blog, no?”" I was quite baffled. Think what you want of my blog, I don’t require that everybody likes it, but is it necessary to go that route? In the end it turned out that he somehow had assumed that my side blog (which is now private) was the “sex blog”…..despite all other evidence to the contrary. Or at least thats what he finally claimed after I lit into him.

In short – my tits are big. I know this. You like my pictures? Awesome, I’m flattered, but I won’t be privately adding to your spank-bank stash. You get what you get here, and thats all there is. Now, if you’ve seen an erotic (not pornographic) artistic photo that you think I could emulate for a future HNT, that’s a different suggestion altogether. Did my prose make you horny? Cool, it’s nice sometimes to know I’m not the only one – but I suggest reading more of my blog or reading more of my friends’ blogs to help you finish because I most likely won’t. At least not for free and I’d bet I’m out of your price range :P

But if you want advice? Want to have an intelligent conversation? I’m your girl. If it’s just a few words you can say it right over there in the sidebar, in that IM widget. And if you worry you’ll say the wrong thing – let me assure you, your concern already puts you ahead of the unsavory ones.

Oh and always, always….spell my damn name right. It’s Lilly….not Lily.

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Posted by Lilly | 12 Comments

Why I’m a Bratty Sub (Soul Searching)

The thing about words is that meanings can twist just like a snake, and if you want to find snakes look for them behind words that have changed their meaning.   ~Terry Pratchett

An outside source had sparked some deep searching thoughts in myself and some conversations between he and I about submission and then specifically my submission.

Our relationship is mostly  not about D/s. The basis is close friendship and in that we are equals. Sexually, I’m his submissive; I consider him my Master. But yet I still fight it. The following of orders. Orders I don’t necessarily like or want to do at that moment. There are even sexual things, fantasies, that I will go along with that I don’t actually like…..I’m doing it to please my Master.

Half of me says to that: WTF! Grow a backbone, sister! Your mind is goin about this allll wrong. You are being a doormat and you need to fuckin stand up for yourself!

Other half of me says to that: Pleasing your dominant doesn’t always mean it’s a bed of roses for the submissive. But a good dominant knows enough about his submissive to know that right now she’s not ok with it and won’t like it, but when it happens after the first or second time…..she’ll like it. And so far, for the most part, that’s been the case. There were things I didn’t want that I now think “ohhhh yes that’s hot, yes I want to do it – for myself and for him”.

I’m not really sure all the time just where the D/s side of our relationship stands (sometimes it is always there just bubbling under the surface, ready and able to pop out at any time but then other times real life intervenes and the D/s dynamic hasn’t seen the light of day in weeks) but I expressed an interest in wanting “more” submission. What is more? I don’t yet know. Perhaps in my ramblings here and feedback from you I can figure it out.

Mollena wrote up a very non-linear “thinking out blog” posting that’s kinda-sorta along this vein and she nailed it with the term I had been searching for: Obedience versus Submission.Except that her and I have different viewpoints.

To me, obedience is….god, many things I don’t like. The situations I have been in that one has to “be obedient” are always situations that make me feel demeaned. Looked down upon. Retail jobs are a big part of this. We’re taught that the customer is always right and all that crap. I took a lot of shit working in retail as long as I did. Both from customers and managers. But I had to behave a certain way. I had to curtsy and smile and say “I’ll do my best to help you” when I was really seething inside because they had treated me like a piece of dirt. When what I really wanted to say is “Learn how to fucking treat people better, you twat. You are dead wrong on this matter – quit acting like a spoiled brat and get the fuck out!” But…..I couldn’t say that and keep my job. Then I took an office job in which my boss was a scatterbrained tyrant who scared the poop out of me. Partly him, partly my fault – he’d demand such-and-such right this instant and if I didn’t know where it was in 2 seconds, I panicked thinking perhaps I lost it. Again, I was obedient and almost subservient to him and I resented it. I resented him and the job and the fact that I needed to keep that job. There were times when he treated me like shit. Verbally. Made me feel worthless and 2 inches tall.

R is naturally a blunt fellow in all aspects, even when we’re just in “friend” dynamic. He is not trying to be mean, not at all. But combine a blunt person with a person who is a bit overly sensitive in some areas….And then combine all that with his Dom side? It’s not always easy.

R: Go in and take a pic of your tongue on your own nipple. Send to her AND CC to me

me: ok….

R: tell her it is a gift from R

*swats your ass* go

me: going.

me: back. and sent.

R: then why don’t I see it in my inbox

you sent to her and CC’d me?

me: no, i forwarded it from my phone to you and to my email. from my email on to her.

R: I’m confused

me: she doesn’t know my cell number, she wouldn’t know who its from. so i had to send it from my phone to my own email address, first.

R: yes…and from your e-mail to the both of us? Or just each of us separately?

that’s the part where I’m confused.

me: from my email to just her. i sent it to YOU via my phone.

R: this is not what I told you to do, now is it.

and the pic is not the one I told you to take either.

So can you see, then, how some areas of being a submissive (especially to someone who can have an evil unforgiving streak when he’s deep into that frame of mind) are big old red trigger buttons that make me want to set my jaw and harden my stare and say “Fuck you, no I won’t.” Or get bratty. Or try to prove him wrong when he makes a challenging statement about me.

I didn’t always want submission. In fact, until this past year, I didn’t quite understand it. What it did for others. Why it was ok and it wasn’t abusive, or how the submissive could like it and not feel demeaned. I know now, I’ve read the writings of others who identify as submissive and I opened my mind. But for a while….all I wanted was rough sex. Kinky sex. Hold-me-down-and-make-me-powerless sex. With R, that evolved. It still is evolving. I went from identifying more as a “bottom” no matter what to acquiescing to being submissive…but it’s only with him. I do not feel submissive with just anyone. It is an earned right with me. It is rare. I can and do crave the bottom role with others; the roughness, receiving pain and pleasure, not being the one in control.

I’m not sure what it stems from, but I tend to do things to make others happy. Make them like me? And sometimes I think that I rationalize “If I do this for him, he’ll like me more.”. I know, I know, it’s 876 kinds of fucked up. I know. But its subconscious – I don’t actually think that out loud…in fact I didn’t even realize that it was an aspect of it until a week ago. And I must admit that I didn’t like that realization. Will R leave me if I don’t want anal sex? Will R like me more if I swallow? As a person? No, he won’t. In that moment sexually, I’m sure he would though, lol.

Still, quite a lot of the D/s dynamic feels like a scolding parent-child boss-servant dynamic. Feels like it. It’s not. But that’s where I’m at sometimes in my head and why I get defiant. R is not doing anything “wrong”. I read of other dominants who make him look tame. Alright, not tame per se but a whole lot more tolerable. I need to work on this and learn how to meld D/s obedience into my submission and let go of my past conceptions on obedience.  Because I don’t like feeling that way. It does, however, provide a bit of work for him….I do not just lay down and serve. It makes him bring out his Dominance even more. That part I suspect he likes. So I don’t want to turn into the Stepford Wife version of a submissive.

I still hold myself taut when submitting. I cannot fully let go. That’s something that I want to work on with him. As I said before, I want “more” – except that I can’t get more when I don’t know what I’m asking for or how to ask for it.

Please, weigh in. Lengthy comments are welcome. I’d like to hear from everyone whether you identify as dominant, submissive or switch. (note: any bashing of R and his style of dominating, or anything really, won’t be tolerated. period.) I’d really like to hear if others agree/disagree with how I see obedience and submission and if not….give me your take on it all. Thanks.

A Related Post:

~ Submission: Give and Take

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