Dec 182012

Today, something quite unusual happened.

I received a friend request on Facebook ~which was preceded by an introduction message~.

I imagine some of you are cocking your head like “what’s that?”, right? I have two Facebook accounts, as many of us bloggers do – a “real life” or vanilla account where we use our real names and connect with family members and people from high school we’d like to forget; and then there’s our “blog-version” Facebook accounts where many of us do the majority of our social media networking and sharing albeit under a pseudonym. On my vanilla account, I tend to mostly play those stupid Zynga games because many are perfect ADD-fodder: your activity is limited to 5-minute bits, perfect for my waning attention span. So it’s not 100% uncommon for me to get friend requests from people I do not know simply because we have friends in common – for these goddamn addicting games require that you have many “neighbors” who also play, so we suckers look for other suckers so that we stop harassing our actual friends with requests for help. But I still make it known on my bare public profile that I don’t tolerate silent requests and I’d like a message first. Most comply.

Yesterday, I finally cleared out 25 friend requests on my blog-Facebook. Not a single one of those people sent me a message first. I am treated completely different; the respect is gone out the window. Half of those people shared mutual friends, half I presume are foreign readers of my blog. Since I tend to reveal personal life details sometimes on Twitter and Facebook, I have privacy settings up on both and I don’t accept just any request. I have allowed subscriptions on Facebook, but most people do not subscribe to my public updates first, they just send a blind “friend” request. I accept maybe 1/2 of these because I feel as if I should network and use it to gain readers. Also, because I’m apparently part British and didn’t know it.  In fact…I don’t think I’ve ever received an introduction message along with a friend request on blog-me’s Facebook.

Today, though, I did. And it shocked me (quite clearly, as here I am writing about it). It was a simple message, stating that we have numerous sex-positive friends in common and I seem like his cup of tea. Simple! Non threatening, not at all creepy…just friendly. WHAT A CONCEPT, EH?? SO much more appropriate and polite than “Nice pic Liily! Nice girls!” or asking “where are you from? live in nyc” of an anonymous blogger.

Now, I understand if the profile is of a fellow community member where Twitter discussions have already happened or blog interactions. But even if you’re just someone in the sex industry, just because I’m a sex blogger, does that mean manners are exempt? I’ve had a few adult performers send friend requests and it’s fairly clear that their Facebook profiles are another facet of marketing; the request wasn’t devoid of common friends, but still. We have no interaction anywhere. The request seems more like “networking” than anything else and I don’t need that or want to be bombarded with that in my feed.

I have sent a few Facebook friend requests to fellow bloggers that I already know and have even met in person, only to get a canned response saying that this is their personal Facebook account (and I didn’t stalk them, we had many common friends) and they’d rather I just go “like” their persona page. While I am not a published author or famous educator, I contemplate doing that same thing to people I do not know. But I’d feel way too weird doing it to people I’ve actually met or interacted with, like I think I’m some bigshot or something – good lord I’m so not!!  I’m thinking I’ll just remove the option for people who have no mutual connections to send me a friend request. That will only take care of part of it, though.

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Related-ish topic….I’ve read countless posts in the last few years about how commenting is “down” on blogs, too many people are just reading and not interacting thanks to Twitter and Facebook accounts. Or we’re just lazy. Who the hell knows.

I think it’s an important aspect, though, and not at all in an ego-stroking attention-seeking way. Feedback is good, continuing conversations is even better. I’m not talking about comments on photos or erotic pieces, I’m talking about the sort of blogging I’ve moved on to. I’m very guilty of not commenting; I read my stuff via RSS and just move on assuming that the other person could give a shit what I have to say. But I need to stop assuming that. If they don’t care about my opinion then they’ll keep on ignoring me and that’s fine, that’s their choice. But I’m going to make the effort anyways to get back into commenting when I have something valid to add or feel that the post needs a “commendation” of some sort.

I’ve also not interacted much with many people on Twitter for a few months now. I need to get better about that before I bitch about being ignored ;) But also I need to get back into interacting before I make any more decisions on stepping down from anything else.

Nov 192011

There will always be people who don’t like you or something you’re doing. After all, you can’t please everyone all the time. And because I am me – emotional, headstrong, attached, fucked up – I tend to hear frequently “Don’t take things so personally”. I can try but ultimately I fail at that often.

Recently on Twitter Kit O’Connell shared his find of a WordPress plugin called Broken Link Checker and he mentioned that having a lot of broken links looks bad to Google. I paused for one moment when he mentioned that most of the links he was removing belonged to e[lust] and pleasurists but I quickly realized he was correct – there is absolutely no reason or need to continue to link to a blog that is gone or a post that is gone. It is gone! Logic prevails. And so I installed the plugin on both sites. When going through the broken links on e[lust] I would check things out if it came from a site that I knew was still up and running. A couple people have chosen to delete some old posts for various reasons; if they had moved the post I would have updated the link. I found some people who had deleted all their old stuff and with the deleted e[lust] submissions they also deleted the e[lust] digests. I’m sure that these people are not the only ones who have deleted old digests but they’re the ones I was alerted to for alternate reasons. One person continues his site and so I asked him why he removed the old editions from his site – yes, I took some offense to his action and his response. He said that he didn’t like e[lust] or any “aggregator” since Sugasm. I wrinkled my brow in confusion. Then he said (I am paraphrasing here or creating complete sentences) that they are repetitive and muck up blogs and feeds and are self promotional as opposed to curated, reviewed or filtered content.

Again I am confused but realize he can have his opinion and my words will never change his opinion – nor will his further explanation of his opinion change the fact that I think he is quite wrong. So I do not respond. I am offended in part because he said unkind things about the project I work the hardest on that benefits more of you than it ever will me and also in part because I chose to make guideline changes so that it was anything BUT an “aggregation” site and actually yes the content IS reviewed and filtered. By its very definition e[lust] is not an aggregation site. I summed up this change in the recent post on e[lust] about the upcoming changes for the new year:

I hope that my change this past year in what type of post/site is included in the digest has helped you all feel even better about participating and sharing the digest with your readers – unlike Sugasm I strive to include only real, genuine content from genuine bloggers as opposed to content from aggregation sites or highly commercialized “blogs”. While you may not see what goes on behind the scenes I do end up turning away a submission because it does not fit in with the new rules. I don’t want to promote those sort of sites anymore than you do. What I want, what I think we all want, is respectable method of putting our best foots forward and gaining new readers to our blogs while also finding new friends and promoting each other.

Newer bloggers are not familiar with Sugasm. The few veterans left that will read this surely remember. I don’t know about you but there were often times sites/posts that I did not want to be linking to. One could get around this because Sugasm only required participants to publish the Top 3 & Editors Picks on their blogs. And many people did just that, myself included. Did that mean a lot less cross-promotion of fellow bloggers who did not land in the Top 3? Yes, unfortunately. But it also allowed me to not publish those links I didn’t always want to promote. The ones to sites that actually were by definition an aggregation site; commercial sites filled to the brim with ads and pop-ups; posts that contained no real content, just links to services or items that they were selling. It was most definitely self-promotion at its “finest”. A number of the sites were high-traffic commercial sites and I still to this day get referral hits from them….perhaps that is the reason he preferred Sugasm; not for snobbery but greed? Sure we all could get more traffic if I allowed those sites to participate but I learned something back when I used to get included in Fleshbot: there is relevant traffic and there is useless traffic. Relevant traffic from other bloggers means you are getting someone to your site who is already interested in your type of site. The high traffic numbers from the commercial porn-type sites are people looking for fap material, who will never comment or participate or likely become a regular reader of your words. While I modeled much of e[lust] after Sugasm, I also changed a lot. Those changes were my effort to regulate via rules. Occasionally something fishy would still get in and so I took the bad guy role and now filter the content, disallowing submissions from sites that might at first look ok but contain sex-negative writing or are barely-disguised SEO blogs. The only thing that I don’t do is filter by talent. Are there some submissions that are…..well, not going to win any awards? Yes. But at the least it is all bloggers…..just like those who make derisive comments about e[lust]. But there are always going to be self-centered people in this for themselves once they find a way to start making some money off of their site and I feel offended not just personally but on behalf of everyone who does participate. Taking it personally on behalf of everyone is why I am so hard on the people who don’t re-publish – they’re not just hurting me, they are hurting everyone who participated who published the edition and are linking to them but they won’t do the same. It is why I go so far as to remove people from editions when they eventually refuse to publish. 

But anyways.

The jerks and pompous douchebags are far outnumbered by the great folks of the community who participate in and help with e[lust]. And as I said in my post at e[lust] I welcome suggestions for change. The schedule change was inspired by a suggestion from Molly Rene about basing the schedule around a date, something more steady and concrete. Thank you Molly, you might just have saved e[lust].

I hope that the changes I’ve made are all for the better. And for those of you who participate faithfully in Wanton Wednesday, Sinful Sunday or HNT – if you ever see a photo that should be highlighted by e[lust], let the blogger know that I’m now taking self-submissions for consideration. It doesn’t mean that there will be a publishing of all the photos I am linked to….it means that I will cull the submissions to find something really great. I don’t want my own lack of time to prevent this feature/aspect of e[lust] that I liked.

Jun 162011

No words
My tears won’t make any room for ’em, oh
And it don’t hurt
Like anything I’ve ever felt before


This is no broken heart
No familiar scars
This territory goes uncharted


Just me
In a room sunk down in a house in a town
And I don’t breathe
Though I never meant to let it get away from me


Now I have too much to hold
Everybody has to get their hands on gold
And I want uncharted


Stuck under the ceiling
I made, I can’t help the feeling I’m going down
Follow if you want, I won’t just hang around
Like you’ll show me where to go


I’m already out
Of foolproof ideas so don’t ask me how
To get started
It’s all uncharted





Jump start my kaleidoscope heart
I love to watch the colors fade
They may not make sense
But they sure as hell made me


I won’t go as a passenger, no
Waiting for the road to be laid
Though I may be going down
I’ll take in flame over burning out


Where you are to where you wanna be
And you’ll get nowhere


~ Uncharted, Sara Bareilles

Every blog anniversary has had a big emotional post and a sex toy giveaway. This year, you get song lyrics and a dying blog. I’d had a grand idea to get a number of companies to let me give away Pure Wands, multiple Pure Wands and nothing but Pure Wands, but I didn’t get as many as I wanted and after we moved I just…..lost my touch. Something needs to be jump started but I’m all out of fool proof ideas. I was supposed to be happier. I was supposed to be in my element. Blogging was supposed to get better and easier to manage all my projects and I was supposed to be able to finally start some projects I’ve had in my head.

But my house is still a mess, and unpacking is so fucking hard for a person with a brain like mine, and I’m missing social interaction and I’m lonely some days. I lose track of the days of the week and forget about WantonWednesday sometimes. Or lack the motivation to do an edition of e[lust].  Or write a blog post.

So the question is: Am I burning out? Can I jump start things? Or should I go down in flames?

No words
My tears won’t make any room for ’em, oh

Aug 032010

Blogger, as we all well know, encourages people who blog about “Adult Content” to willingly put up a warning splashpage. If you don’t, and they catch you, they’ll forcibly put one up that you can’t ever remove. Site owners who are not on Blogger frequently put a little “Over 18 Only” Warning text at the top of their sidebar.

Of course, the little warning text doesn’t really do much. Children won’t see it and suddenly click away. Is it just there as a CYA move?

I don’t know if Blogger’s warning pages actually interact with the Internet Content Rating Association or other means of Parental Controls, and thereby prevent kids from seeing those sites. At most they’re going to prevent people who are of age and offended by sex from seeing talk or photos about sex.

Recently I stumbled across this site/organization called RTA (restricted to adults), a place to go to self-label your site to prevent children from even accessing your site (provided, of course, they’re accessing it from a parental-controlled computer).

Clipped from: (share this clip)

My question for my peers is this… how do you feel about this service? Would you use it? Why or why not? The ONLY question I would have is would this service also be employed by companies wishing to prevent their employees from viewing “pornographic” content at work and therefore preventing some of your readers from accessing your site?

Jul 232010


So you know that e[lust] has a modified summer schedule, right? Well it’s time for edition #18, submissions are open till Tuesday. I also am still looking for people to volunteer to be a (mostly) anonymous judge for the Top 3 on elust. If I don’t have enough judges, I can’t give you guys a Top 3. I don’t expect volunteers to be available every edition, don’t worry! Email if you’re interested.

NYC Sex Bloggers Calendar

You only have until August 1st to buy a day or 5 so get crackin! Please! See my post here for incentives from me.

Blog Organization

Due to boredom at work (read: refusal to do boring work) I made up a page of links to all the Ask Lilly posts. I also made an extensive sex toy care and maintenance guide page; Epiphora asked on Twitter yesterday what thing we hated reading in sex toy reviews, and my answer was the boring “not this again” rote of cleaning and lube use. It’s boring to me because it’s common knowledge but I know that a lot of people read my reviews from doing a google search and they might not know. So instead of wasting the time of the old-hats, I’ll just put in links to the proper spot on the maintenance guide, in the reviews.

Due to some kinda-serious health issues, new meds, and a frantic mad dash to copy over the remaining posts at the Co-op in the next 2 weeks (anybody wanna help? lol), I don’t know if I’ll be blogging all that much. Unless of course you ask me some really good Formspring questions ;)

Jul 062010

Very short post today, as my brain is fried and this sense of being overwhelmed just won’t quit. I’ve been reading a lot of things lately in the sex bloggosphere that make me shake my head in disgust. It’s adding to my writers block because I just don’t know what to say. Validating a ridiculous assertation or argument with a rebuttal seems pointless. So I’ll remind you all of this one point to keep in mind:

There are always two (or even three) sides to every story.  If all you’re hearing is one side, one negative side, then perhaps you should step back before you jump on bandwagons and consider how many grains of truth lie in this one side. Jealousy, pettiness, anger, hurt, etc have ways of inflating drama and making half-truths feel real to the listener of tales of woe, betrayal or dismissal and vacuum-cleaner-salesman tales of caution, injury and how your life is miserable relying on product A when what you really need is product B.

At any rate, if you listen to people who are full of hot air, you’ll just end up confused. I know I am, after reading this interview with Prince wherein he proclaims that the Internet is a has-been:

He says: “The internet’s completely over. I don’t see why I should give my new music to iTunes or anyone else. They won’t pay me an advance for it and then they get angry when they can’t get it.

“The internet’s like MTV. At one time MTV was hip and suddenly it became outdated. Anyway, all these computers and digital gadgets are no good.

“They just fill your head with numbers and that can’t be good for you.”

Read more:

Thank you, Prince, I see the light now. Your music is awesome but you’re a strange little bird.

Here’s some “numbers” for you, dear readers, enjoy:

One of my favorite participants, Tori Black.

And don’t forget about my Formspring box over there. I allow anonymous questions and some of them I’ll answer here on the blog.