Posted by Lilly | 13 Comments

When Worlds Collide: Lilly vs. L

(This post originally appeared over at Edencafe. It appears here now in hopes it will bring more discussion.)

There are two sides to me. The Lilly you see online and the L that most others see in reality (and how I feel in reality). Sometimes there is a bleeding of the edges betwixt the two worlds and I am gaining comfort in that happening more. This isn’t to say that Lilly is a contrived persona. In fact, not at all. Lilly is what L truly is under the surface. Lilly is the no-holds-barred version of L. There are most definitely pixels shared between the two. A Venn diagram, if you will. The better I know someone and the more comfortable I am with them, the more Lilly and L meld together as almost one.

I don’t mind people staring at Lilly because it’s all virtual and I can control it. But in the stark lights of reality, L feels scrutinized. L says “Don’t look at me”. Lilly says “Oh hey, its naked time? Wait for me!”.

I think that the Lilly you see on Twitter is really more of a meld than most other places. Granted, a lot of L isn’t shared there but it’s much more of an equality of the two. Would L have the cohones to say to a just-introduced guy “Well HELL-o cute boy!!”? Nope. And will Lilly let her Eeyore side out online? As little as fucking possible, thank you. I think the matter at hand is this: how much more Lilly does L need to absorb into her public persona? For I know damn well she could stand more than she’s got.

Ya know why?

Because L needs a goddamn date, that’s why. L needs to move onwards and upwards and find a guy or girl who’s somewhere in between side dish and main course.

And Lilly is way more date-able. No, not because she’s got a bit of teh slut, but because she’s confident and happy-but-snarky (usually, unless she’s pissed off because SOME men think her every sentence must be met with “witty” innuendo-laden replies). But I have news for ya boys: L/Lilly doesn’t fuck on the first date anymore. Sorry, day late and fifty dollars short.

When I posted on my blog a few months ago about my flaws, it was the first time that readers really saw more of L. And I was scared to put that out there! Sometimes I feel like this anonymous blogging / dual-personality shit is fraudulent. I mean, it’s not -  not one bit of Lilly the personality/person is a lie. But I know that L isn’t very shiny and sparkly a lot of the time anymore and that can be a bit of a bummer. I’ve met a few people offline that knew me as Lilly for awhile and I do believe they ended up disappointed with L. I can’t say as I blame them either. Lilly is who I would be all the time if I were surrounded by friends/family/co-workers just like those of you that I know online; Lilly is who I would be without my neurosis.

So what is this? A crisis of identity? Multiple personalities disorder? Split brain? Split pea soup? One thing I do know is that I’m learning about myself in ways that I didn’t expect when I started the blog. I am more self-aware than ever before. Some days it’s a painful awareness but most days it’s a good thing. I can’t tell you the number of times I want to open my mouth and say “Holy shit! I just did XYZ!!!” and it of course related to this blog or e[lust] – and I have to clam up. For the first time I have money now to do a few things, because of my sites. Can I tell anybody? Nope. Can I tell anybody how rockin’ my site design was? Nope. None of my family even knows that I have gone to NYC *at all*, and I’ve gone 3 times since starting this blog. It was very hard for me in the weeks leading up to my November NYC trip to spend time with bloggy friends and attend the NYC Sex Bloggers Calendar Party to have to constantly lie about exactly why I was going to NYC (to the few people I told). I tested the waters once, and when someone asked me what all I was going to do there I listed off a few things and one of them was “see a Burlesque show”.

Silence.

Confusion.

“……what’s ‘burlesque’???”

I tried a few vanilla, simple explanations and when the look of confusion just expounded with each word out of my mouth I finally gave up.

“Nevermind. I’m going to see a show and it’s nowhere near Broadway.”

And that, my friends, was the last time Lilly opened her mouth in L’s world.

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Posted by Lilly | 3 Comments

Vegas, Baby!

So a month or so ago I told you guys about Twisted Monk doing another Rope Bondage class, this time in Vegas. Well, the reason it was Vegas is because Tess and Diva were going out there on behalf of Carnal Nation to do special blogger-girl coverage of the Adult Entertainment Expo. Since Carnal Nation knew that sending Tess and Diva out there alone could result in trouble, they asked Monk to go babysit them, sort of. Keep them out of trouble, out of jail.

Turns out, Monk’s attention span drifted enough that the ladies nearly got themselves in the OIL WRESTLING pit. Oil wrestling. Really, girls? Carnal Nation is posting video clips of the trip, and that moment can be seen here. You can also see Monk being a brat and slapping an “I Njoy Anal” sticker on Diva’s back, or Monk interviewing my favorite Princess/Headmistress: Kali of Kink Academy.

One of the things I am mostest jealous over is that at the Expo, they get to see all kinds of sex toys. Touch them. Turn them on. (the toys, silly) See new toys that aren’t yet on the market. And of course, ogle pornstars. If that’s your thing, I mean. Me? Nah….just gimme toys. And please, keep Ron Jeremy away from me *shudders*

If you’re on Twitter you can follow most of the hi-jinks, as they all live tweet their way through it. I made up a special Twitter List of the important people I follow that are at this event, you can follow my list to keep up with it too. You can also keep an eye on the Special Coverage section at Carnal Nation to see all the videos and posts. It’s also a good idea to check Twitter for the photos like the 7 foot Mechanical Penis or Beautiful Glass Dildos (i want!!!) and of course AAG is there representing Jane’s Guide and she put up a ton of awesome photos of the Expo on the Jane’s Guide Facebook page.

Man…I wish I was there.

Maybe the girls will bring me back a souvenir though….. ;)

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Posted by Lilly | 16 Comments

Anonymity and Facebook

More babbling and boring words, in my effort to just write about “whatever” and  not strive to fit into the theme of the blog. Bear with me :P I might lose readers, but I don’t much care these days – you can expect that the rambling babbling real-life based posts will continue for a bit. At least I’m writing. That and I have some un-sex shit I need to get out.

I didn’t say anything at the time, but I had a scare a month ago or so with someone accessing my blog and the IP showed to be from my work. They didn’t stick around to read much and they came to my blog through someone else’s blog. Minor but still freaked me out.

Anyone who’s an anonymous blogger has had scares, I’m sure. Anonymous blogging isn’t easy, especially when the things we blog about would not go over well in our little corner of “the real world”. We must take care to not show too much in pictures. We must change details about ourselves and those we write about.

For example, in the first week of blogging I didn’t know that and gave “K” a different initial. His real one. I didn’t think a thing of it. While his paranoia might have been a bit much because it wasn’t like he had any online ties to me or something (other than perhaps browser history), it’s still a valid concern. So ever since “K” I’ve had to make up names/initials for anyone I’ve talked about that doesn’t match their real name, and also change little details. And it’s not always easy to keep track of what details I’ve changed about a person. Sometimes I’ll have to go back and read prior posts to remember what hair/eye color, location, age, marital status etc I’ve given them.  Even for me, especially for me, I’ve changed details.

I really envy bloggers like Carrie Ann who is fully “out” on her blog. It would be much easier! Infidelity bloggers seem to be more susceptible to the “vanish in the night” phenomenon but I know of other sex bloggers who’ve had to shut down their blog because the wrong people found it. Some move their blog like Amy and Roxy and some others just vanish. So if you come here one day and find me gone……you know what happened and it will likely be work-related.

Facebook, and my stupidity, doesn’t make this anonymity business any easier. I have 3 main email accounts. The blog email, my personal gmail and my personal yahoo. Real life friends and family know the yahoo one. Last year when I created my “real life” Facebook account, I signed up using my personal gmail account because it was what I primarily used and I didn’t expect family members to hunt me down on there. Some blogger friends know this personal gmail account. Well, last year when Jake created his blogger-identity facebook account he used the “add friends from address book” feature and added the real me. I quickly realized that that was a link between my two worlds and it had to go (sorry Jake!). Not too long after that, though, I dropped FB because I just didn’t use it. When I came back to FB I created my blogger-identity account, like so many other bloggers were doing. And then I ended up re-activating my real-life FB account. You know how Facebook likes to “recommend” people for you to friend? Well one day it recommended the real-life me to my blogger-identity account! As soon as I figured out how that happened (I’ve forwarded emails from one gmail account to the other so they’re linked, apparently) I changed the email address from my personal gmail to my yahoo.  Apparently, Facebook never forgot my gmail account even though I erased all traces of it from there. It would still recommend blogger-me to real-me occasionally.

What I didn’t realize, until recently, is that not only was it doing that to ME but to other people. Recommending blogger-me to real-me friends and vice versa. A real-me friend did a friend request to blogger-me. I think my heart stopped for about 10 seconds, lol. Luckily, out of all my FB friends, she is the sole person that it doesn’t matter. I already knew we shared similar sexual views and we’d had conversations in the past. Plus she says she recognized my cleavage. I had to laugh at that one. So, ok, fine. Added her as a friend. I still didn’t think that anybody else would make the correlation like she did. Enter in another privacy-invading Facebook tactic. When said friend commented on one of my blogger-me photos, that activity showed up in the “highlights” section for anybody who was her friend. If they clicked on the link, it would take them to my photo album. Nevermind the fact that I had privacy settings out the wazoo. It would still let them see the photos but not my profile. I found this out through Hub who is friends with both me and her and knows about my blog (obviously). Since I had no way of making Facebook forget about the goddamn correlation, combined with it’s wacky ideas on privacy, that led to me deleting the blogger-me Facebook account. Just in case any of you wondered where I went on there :)

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Posted by Lilly | 11 Comments

Cranky

Ya know, I don’t do it often, but tonight I’m just gonna let the crankiness flow. Mmkay? Glad you’re with me.

So I don’t know why the fuck I still have a profile on OkCupid*. I don’t go there much anymore. It’s been awhile since I’ve met anyone from there. The last guy that I met I thought it was just a friendly date despite him being enamored with the “Blog Lilly”. We emailed quite a bit and I found him great to talk to. I had thought that I made it clear that despite the fact that he’s seen blog photos of me naked and that I can be mildly flirty, this was a friendly coffee date only. Now either I didn’t make it quite clear enough or he was severely let down meeting the “real life me” in contrast to “Blog Lilly”.  I’ll never know. All I got from him the next day was that I “confused him”. He didn’t know what to make of things, of our meeting. He couldn’t tell me why he was confused or what about. Whatever. I said hello via email a few weeks later and still no reply back. I’m sure he no longer reads the blog. Just before him was Shawn, but she disappeared too eventually after we hung out once. She faded in and out for the next month after and we spoke of getting together again but it never happened.

In recent months, though, Okcupid has been a sesspool of idiots. Stupid emails, crass emails. You guys know, you’ve read a few. Finally I added this to the beginning of my profile: “I apparently need to spell this out, and also put it at the top. I do not have the “casual sex” box checked off, for a reason. It’s because I don’t want a casual fuck with a stranger. So if you feel so inclined to drop me a line touting your mad skillz in bed or just that you’d like to fuck me and would I like to meet to make that happen? Save your time, and don’t drop me such a line. It won’t get you anywhere. If you’re looking for a quickie NSA hookup, I direct you to your local Craigslist.” The “hey wanna fuck” emails dwindled down considerably. Still the straggling asshats and morons attempted now and then. Today’s email was the pinnacle.

Subj: no offense but…
“guys message you for an nsa hook up because your tits are like small countries with vast tracks of land and you’ve put those pictures on your profile. i’m not excusing them, random sexual encounters are dangerous. but as a guy, i thought you should understand.
and that was my way of starting a conversation. its like a coin toss. we’ll see what happens when the penny drops.“

I replied: “So you’re telling me that the price I pay for having big tits is getting unwanted NSA hook-up emails? Or is it just that I have big tits and I’m not ashamed and covering them up like a librarian? Is this like the argument that a rape victim deserved it if she dressed up sexy because she felt like it?”

My pics are not overtly whorishly sexual, they’re sexy and guess what? There’s cleavage. You can’t hide that at 42DDD. So I’m asking for it by having those, as opposed to fun frolicky “look at me having fun with random peers, i must be normal!” pics.

Y’all tell me if I’m being a cunty bitch here, ok? It’s alright, I can take it. Over there in the sidebar, up at the top, I have my copyright listed. It’s also in the footer of every single post, to be seen when you’re viewing a singular post. Basically, you’re free to share/re-post portions of my posts or my pics so long as you have my permission OR you appropriately credit me (i.e. this blog, via link). There’s more than just that but you can read it here. Now, last HNT was only posted on my blog. I didn’t upload it to Twitpic or similar. I tweeted a link, but this person wasn’t a follower at the time (I lock down my tweets). He tweeted about my pic, crediting my twitter account name and linked people to the photo – not my direct link of it, not my blog post link but to an imageshack link where this person uploaded it to his own account. When you view it, there’s zero accrediting to me/this blog. I told him that he couldn’t do that, and to remove it. He argued: “No copyright infringement, Fair Use, U asked ppl on social media to look @ it, I did, & reviewed it on my non-commercial social media page. I also credit you and send pple to UR site. Once there U can try to sell DVDs, videos, blogs, cam-time whatever. However if U do not want my compliments or the extra exsposure, just say so, & I’ll Unfollow – I play nice.“  W. T. F. I have no damn clue what he’s prattling on about with selling shit, I don’t do that. He never credited my site. People are viewing that photo and as has happened before with my pics, someone with a tumblr will repost it and be in violation of my creative commons because they didn’t credit me. I’m now the dramatic cunt because I calmly and nicely told him hey, thanks but can you please credit or remove? your current method is “not allowed”.

I don’t care what I post, what I say, what pictures I put up. There’s only one person who’s ever allowed to use the terms “nasty” and “filthy” in regards to me and that’s R and that’s only in sexual roleplay (which is in the past). It’s not sexy, it doesn’t turn me on. It makes you look like a disrespectful pig. From a stranger, those words are not a compliment or a way to hit on me.

Ok so I just now saw that I had a response to the above mentioned Okcupid mail about my vast tracks of land and perhaps I jumped a little harshly at the poor guy. But still. vast tracks of land?!?!

him: “you’re right. guys should show you respect regardless of what you’re wearing. i only meant to give you a window into the mind of the average male; not offer an excuse for their actions. i’ll remember this. for future reference, i’ll never message someone new and start talking about her vast tracks of land. at the time, it just seemed like a better way to say hello than “hey! i’m bi-polar too! hooray!“”

Oh and while I’m at it I just gotta share with you one last Okcupid email. Got this from a guy who claims to be 39 in his profile but looks much more like 59.

Subj: Head – how bout it?
Body:  How bout some head ?

I swear you guys, I’ve got sexy shit here in drafts. I promise. But for some reason, even though I’m on that “health watch” 2.5 weeks off work and can type to my lil hearts content………it ain’t comin. All that’s flowing these last two days is cranky and snarky and growly. So um, real soon. Promise.

*I don’t now. After proofing this post I thought about it and weighed the pros and cons and dumped the profile. There’s still huge shoes to fill and it’s just not gonna happen anytime soon.

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Posted by Lilly | 27 Comments

The Difference a Year Makes

One year.

286 posts.

2,667 comments.

50 sex toys for review.

106 blogs in my feed reader.

111 people that I follow in Twitter.

247 people that follow me in Twitter.*

131,400 visits and 276,300 page views

Countless wonderful people that I have emailed, IM’d, @’d, some I have met and called…..some particular ones have made this all the best year ever. I met R because of this blog and in fact it’s been about a year coming up that I’ve known him. Coy Pink, BadBadGirl, Naughty Secretary and R are all people I speak to daily or weekly. Still others I communicate with nearly daily through Twitter. Just about every single one of those people over there in my sidebar are people I most definitely call “friend”. I am rich with friendships. I am blessed.

On June 15th, 2008, I read my first sex blog. It appealed to me on so many levels and I thought “I wonder if I can do this?” I thought it over for a day, what “angle” I could take, what I could write about.I settled on an exhibitionistic/voyeuristic slant and jumped in with both feet. I had so much to say and I had to force myself to not post all at once! The first two real posts came out on the same day, the 17th.

At that point my exposure to blogs was still limited and I hadn’t read more than a half dozen. As I read more blogs, I expanded my own writing. I joined in HNT pretty quick – I was pointed in that direction by a few people on a certain social site who led me to believe it was a sex blogger thing, for sexy risque photos. I later learned that that’s not accurate.

I have bared a lot here, in writings and confessionals and photos. I have had fun. There have been a few heartaches but it’s been mostly filled with wonderfulness. Yes, I’m getting kinda sentimental here; I looked back at the early posts and comments and I smiled. There’s a few faithful readers that I miss. I’ve had a few screw-ups and a few loses but I’ve gained so much more. Dare I say….I’ve changed. For the better, definitely.

It’s all been….priceless. It’s more than a blog to me now. I won’t be going anywhere anytime soon because I just can’t imagine walking away from the community and the friends.

Thank you…

Edit: I forgot to add another set of numbers that I actually really proud of. I’ve gotten the Sugasm Top 3 pick 7 times now, and Fleshbotted 7 times. A Sugasm Editor’s pick and a couple nods from Sexoteric round it out. It’s really the Sugasm picks that mean the most though because my peers voted on it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You can also consider this my HNT post, just early. Since when do I follow rules, right? ;)

A worktime bathroom request shot that I thought I’d share…

* I’d likely have over 700 but my updates are protected and I become a suspicious grumpy old (wo)man when it comes to people I don’t know following me on Twitter so I decline a lot.

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