Posted by Lilly | 2 Comments

Creepy Doms and the Unhealthy Relationship ’50 Shades’ Fosters

The number of articles written about the insipid and unfortunate trilogy, 50 Shades, is staggering. But at least most of them are better written than the actual books. Just look at the 1/2 star reviews on Amazon to see what I mean if you’ve managed to miss out on that aspect. This article I stumbled across today points out that while the actual sex is indeed a ridiculous fairy tale, the relationship is a tale of caution.

Much of the media attention thus far has focused on the BDSM relationship between the two main characters. What’s missing, though — in the media, probably in our book clubs and certainly in our conversations with our teenage daughters — is a discussion of a serious and dangerous aspect of their relationship.

Let’s be clear: We’re not talking about BDSM. Our concern is that the interaction between the characters outside the bedroom has been ignored.

From the beginning of the series, Christian Grey’s need to control Ana Steele is unmistakable. He gives her a laptop and BlackBerry so she can be instantly available and shows up at her house when she doesn’t respond quickly enough. He flies thousands of miles to her mother’s house, unexpected and uninvited. The examples go on and on. These events are explained away as romantic, as products of Christian’s intensity, his wealth, his need to control, his childhood abuse. But they are not romantic, nor are they justifiable. They are hallmarks of intimate partner violence (IPV).

And it touches on the stalker aspects of Mr. Grey:

Intimate partner stalking includes repeated and unwanted contact or attention that causes the victim to fear her own safety or the safety of others. Over 16 percent of women have experienced stalking during their lifetimes, and two-thirds of those have been stalked by an intimate partner, such as a boyfriend, spouse or girlfriend. Although alarming, these rates likely underestimate the actual prevalence, as most instances of IPV are not reported to the police. The most common form of stalking is repeated and unwanted phone calls or text messages; Christian’s first gifts of a laptop and BlackBerry may not be coincidental.

Millions of women are romanticizing the entire book series, skimming over the IPV and focusing on the unrealistic sex and the “romance”. Women who are in the position of Ana Steele likely do not recognize it at first. Even when they do recognize it, they feel that there is nothing that can be done. After all, what will the cops do about phone and email stalking and harassing? Not much until the perpetrator threatens harm or shows up in person. Yet to live with that kind of stalking is terrifying, sickening and is a life filled with despair.

What’s worse though is reading the comments on this article. There are a few people who are still unable to see Christian’s actions as “stalkerish” and still see it as “romantic”. Too many people are going to think that because “oh he had good reason”. There is never good reason to behave this way.

’50 Shades of Grey’: Expanding the Conversation from Sexy to Safety by Peggy Andover, PhD and Colleen Jacobson

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~

This great post, written well before the 50 Shades bullshit, is very useful for not just kinksters but anyone who is dating. Remove the BDSM aspects and you still have a creepy, unhealthy person: A Field Guide to Creepy Dom.

The Creepy Dom isn’t just a character in a Dungeon or sex club, he (or she) can be the predator next door, the sweet person you develop an online relationship with, or the guy you meet through the vanilla dating site. Sadly, the ability to recognize and run away isn’t something gained with age. The writer of the post linked does talk about the propensity for young girls in the kink scene to be fooled by “Doms” older than their father but I assure you the ability to be conned and believe the con is not bound by age. It can happen to anyone, be they 18, 34 or 52. I wish I had seen this post years ago and memorized it like a doctrine. 

The anatomy of a Creepy Dom, according to Asher (explanations available in the post, so read it):

1. He comes on too strong, too fast

2. He’s consensually challenged

3. He has “connections” and is “experienced”

4. He “essentializes” dominance and submissions

5. He manipulates your desire to be a good bottom

6. He’s usually doing something wrong

I’d like to add in one of my own:

7. He seeks out submissives who have little to no real life experience, for they are easier to manipulate

Read it. Memorize it. Live it. And be careful out there.

Do you have any to add to the list, after reading Asher’s post?

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Posted by Lilly | 6 Comments

Wake The Neighbors….

When I recently visited my longtime friend, the topic turned of course to sex at one or two points. Clinical, theoretical, opinionated talks. One topic, after numerous drinks by the couple, turned to how much noise my friend makes in bed. Or, rather, doesn’t make.

My bold, outspoken, ballsy, loud-mouthed friend is the exact opposite in the bedroom. That’s not to say she’s “frigid” (I hate that word). She loves sex. Her sex drive is crazy high. She especially loves sucking cock and freely, openly admits this in most cases. It turns her on immensely. Unfortunately, this is the only real thing that her boyfriend knows for sure arouses her. When it comes to sex she literally tightens up. He will see glimpses of her arousal and pleasure bursting at the seams but the moment a sigh escapes her lips she unknowingly clams up.

The discussion about this was basically him openly, and lovingly, telling her what she does/doesn’t do and telling her why he’d like her to be more free. To wake the neighbors. Not just for him, but for her, as well. He reasons that because she’s not at all vocal, be it in voice or body language, to his ministrations, he’s never really sure what or if she is enjoying. After a while, my friend started to take it all the wrong way and assume that he and I were saying that there was something wrong with her and that she wasn’t good enough in bed. He insisted that the sex is phenomenal, he loves it, but he knows that she could enjoy it even more and therefore so could he. That getting her off gets him off. Seeing that he is indeed giving her great pleasure is the best thing for him. I would have to agree with him on that…I absolutely need that feedback, I thrive off of it. I know my husband does, too.

We know why she’s like this. She was married to the first and only guy she ever slept with for a long time. Her and her ex had been together for something like 15 years. Her ex wasn’t much into sex. He never, not even on their wedding day, told her he thought she was beautiful. Sex was always brief, perfunctory and very infrequent. Quiet was encourage. Experimentation was not. So the boyfriend of less than a year has a LOT of “damage” to undo. My friend just feels weird making noise. Or saying anything. And then the circle goes right back.

Another topic in this long conversation came around to how rough each of them likes their sex because somehow my friend and I got to talking about BDSM a little bit. She wanted to know what it all stood for, what the words meant. She liked the sound of both masochist and sadist. Rough sex was discussed between the two of them….a little spanking, a little throwing around, etc. They’re both in great shape and she’s got the most incredible pain tolerance. Yet he’s not quite comfortable with being rough enough to spank her. He’s afraid he’ll hurt her. She’s afraid of hurting him. Despite both of them sitting there telling the other “It won’t hurt that much, don’t worry about me”, they kept insisting the same thing. It was like a huge circle talk of frustration. I’d like to think that some good came out of it all though. I’m hoping it did, since last week she texted me for recommendations on ball gags and wrist restraints. Yay!

So what do you think?

Does making noise mean better sex, if it’s genuine and not re-enacting the scene from When Harry Met Sally? Are there better ways for people like my friend to convey what is working and what isn’t, when they’re not comfortable saying a peep?

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Posted by Lilly | 2 Comments

Stop the presses – There are Willing Submissive Women at DomConLA!

A Twitter friend pointed us to HuffPo’s article on this past weekend’s BDSM-angled con, DomConLA. She was specifically pointing out that RedemptionsGirl is in a few of the photos, but what I took notice of was actually some curious wording.

“…..who is a willing submissive at a dungeon party during the DomConLA convention”

I cocked my head and thought it a bit strange. And then when I flipped through the slideshow more, I saw that that “disclaimer” was on every. single. photo.

Except for three. The three that featured a submissive male being whipped.

” Domina beats a submissive man at a dungeon party during the DomConLA convention”

There is no distinctive wording here to emphasize that he is a willing submissive. Why? Why is there a need to state the obvious for the female subs but not the male? Why state the obvious at all? The article is about DomConLA – a highly respected kinky conference that has visitors from all levels of kink & fetish.Taking bets on how many times Consent was reference, inferred or discussed at length would be like guessing how many M&Ms are in that 5 gallon jug at the bridal shower.

Then again….the comments on the article are filled with ignorant trolls. It’s fairly clear to me that the aspect of ‘Fifty Shades of Gray’ that is “sweeping the nation” isn’t the BDSM aspect at all. It’s the “saving the man” aspect; it’s the Cinderella-twist aspect; it’s the “she orgasms on command over and over and over and over” aspect. The majority of the general American public is just way too judgmental to even tolerate a mere article on DomConLA.

“People often abuse their bodies because they feel ugly inside.”

“these people didnt get enough hugs growing up…”

“or they got way too many!”

“Maybe that’s the only way ugly people can get attention…?”

Not all comments are negative like this. But enough are to make me never go back and read anything else “sexually progressive” at HuffPo. Anyways these jerks aren’t my point. My point is that I fail to understand on any level why apologies, excuses and special words are needed to make sure the intolerant jerks don’t flip out even more about these “willing submissive women”.

Please weigh in with your opinion. Enlighten me. Because I’m not going to understand this all on my own.

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“Please, Sir: Erotic Stories of Female Submission”

There was a point in time when I wanted to devour all BDSM erotica books. To glean knowledge, to gather ideas for us.

When things ended with R, I went to the opposite side of the spectrum. I removed those books from my wishlist. I’d skip over male D / female s stories in other anthologies. For awhile I even stopped reading the blogs of submissive women. But I’ve gotten better, I’d gotten over it mostly…..

Or so I thought.

By the third story, I was getting that little ache inside. Except that this time, it wasn’t a good ache for me. It was an empty ache. Acknowledging what I’d tried so hard to bury for months.

I missed having someone to call Sir.

I missed pleasing someone. I missed the power exchange. I ached for the physical domination. The hair pull. The throat grab.

By page 37, I had to put the book down. My cunt was thrumming and wet, but my chest was aching and raw. “Another day, I’ll try again on another day when my mental status is a little more firm….when I don’t miss it quite so badly”, I thought. Take this as a testament, then, as to the quality of these first stories.

As with any anthology there is a wide variety of writing styles, topics, angles and more. You’re bound to have a few favorites and a few you couldn’t even finish reading in amongst all the stories contained within. While a few stories in this book didn’t fully trip my switch, I must say they were all good stories. And some? Some are shining stars that kept me riveted for those few moments, lost in the imagery and thought and words. I was left wanting. If you are in a D/s relationship already then perhaps this book can serve for excellent imagination-fodder to fuel your current explorations.

I think one of my favorites was about a woman who has been taking a self-defense class from a martial arts instructor. She comes in on a Saturday for a make-up class, they’re alone and tick tock the moves get more sexual as the minutes go on. Power fighting against power. Her angry power to his calm power. Hmm I think I might develop a thing for guys who study martial arts after reading this one.

My other favorites include a couple about semi-public concealed foreplay and sex. Is that really a surprise to you, though? I didn’t think so. I, too, could possibly enjoy the opera if I had a calculating and controlling Master making me squirm.

Check out the book trailer and then go buy the book! If you’re at all into female submission…you’re going to want to read this book. Also at the book’s WordPress site you should check out this post where Rachel reads the story she had in this anthology about a topic I’ve fantasized about yet never experienced……erotic choking and face-slapping.

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Posted by Lilly | 5 Comments

Proper Lessons in Kink

One of the *very amazing* people I met in NYC recently is Princess Kali. My first impression of her was how genuinely nice and sweet she is and how you just feel at ease around her. Beneath that sweetness is an air of poise and control that commands respect quietly.

Wait no, scratch that.

That was my second impression.

My first impression was staring discretely at her lithe ballerina-like body as she grabbed her breakfast in the hotel lounge, wearing this tiny stretchy little black dress with no bra and these big menacing black punk boots. Duh yes I wondered if she was wearing panties. *grins* Sadly she was, hot pink. Of course, by the time I realized that, I also found out that she is a pro Domme and so I tried my very very best to be discrete and respectful in my perving (moreso than usual, that is. I’m nothing if not a discrete and respectful perv). In other words folks, she’s hot – just rolled out of bed with no makeup and no effort. When she’s dressed to the nines for her sessions and such? It makes me reconsider a few things ;)

In addition to her regular site, Kali is the headmistress and founder of The Kink Academy. It’s not a free site but it’s really worth the admission price ($9.95 a month) because of the vast amount of knowledge and lessons shared. It’s better than a book because many lessons are in video form – I don’t know about you but watching someone show me how to do things is easier for me than just reading directions.

The topics that are covered are in a vast range of kink and experience level. The mildly kinky can get information on corsets (how to lace, how to buy, etc), floggers (how to, the different types of floggers and the sensations they bring), anal play (for men and women), condoms, lubes and sextoys and so on. Those wishing to extend their BDSM knowledge can learn more about fire play, how to use a dragon tail whip, pet play, age play, liquid latex, service and protocols, and a lot more. The sheer volume of information and range of topics will appeal to a large number of people. There’s a number of topics that I know I could have used a few years ago when I started out as a Top (knowing what I know now I can’t bring myself to say that I was a Domme). The information on this site seems to be much more realistic and usable than the information I gleaned from books such as “The Mistress Manual” or “The Sexually Dominant Woman” – I found those and similar books to be largely ridiculous to me and found myself thinking “Oh no WAY could I say that!!”. The information that Kink Academy gives you can be specific or generic enough for you to build from, all while helping you gain confidence via knowledge that you may currently lack via experience.

Going beyond one-sided information, there is a forum where you can ask a specific question for one of the instructors to answer or interact with other members. Princess Kali has done an amazing job with this site and I hope that it becomes as big of a success as it deserves to be.

In the gift bags at the NYC Sex Blogger Calendar Party, we were given a voucher for a free month subscription to the site – it expires December 1st  though (meaning you have to redeem it by then, not that the free month runs out by then) so I don’t need to use it – if any of you would like it, please leave a comment here. I have only this one code so the first person interested in it will get it.

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