Sep 102010

“Oh, he made my blood just burn
I flipped so far, I thought that I would not return”
~”Get him back”, Fiona Apple


I sat here yesterday typing out the beginning half to an erotica story but I just haven’t been able to finish it. I have a post about the TLC series “Strange Sex” nearly done, but haven’t finished it. This rant? Feels soooo good and is just flying off my fingertips. In fact the keyboard would yell “ow!” if it could. It might just have there a second or two ago. Sorry, keyboard.


In order to get back into the erotica groove, I joined recently. I went back to some of my earlier work here on the blog to post over there. I chose the Taxi Cab Confessional posts, and at first tried to submit them in two parts. Part 1 was soundly Rejected with a litany of sins, mainly it lacked content and was “far too short”. Ok, fine. So I put the two parts together, separated the one occurrence of two words lacking a space between, corrected my lack of conversation “”” and re-submitted. A day later it was accepted. It garnered some pretty nice, high praise from the members/other writers there.

Now, before I go any further….I must say this about Lushstories. Not quite a year ago I’d seen the site because someone had tried to submit their story from there to e[lust] and I wouldn’t allow it. I glanced around the banner-ad-laden site and saw stories that made me long for Literotica. Bad, bad erotica. Trite plots, bad euphemisms and a metric fuckton of incest stories. Not my thing, sorry. Not only was a lot of the erotica not my taste but it was painfully long. Perhaps others enjoy painfully long erotica, I don’t have the attention span for it.

Today I tried to submit a piece that was always one of my favorites, “Fucking for Art“. If you’ve not read it, or are no longer familiar with that piece, I encourage you to give it a quick glance to further understand the moderator’s responses to me.

This personal note was sent to me with the standard “Your story has been rejected” email:

I am both a photographer and a model. This is impossible: “I made them hold poses for 5-10 minutes, sometimes difficult poses, until I got the angle of light and the angle of the shot “just so”. Try holding still for thirty seconds, never mind a minute, never mind up to ten, and especially for difficult poses. A real photographer does not demand that the models wait until she gets the framing and light right, at the cost of the models holding a pose. This is also rather short in length. In addition, use a comma before reported speech, not this – : Also use a comma before the final quotation marks, as in this: “Carrrrieeee” I taunted. Thank you.

Wow. Me:

Seriously, my story is being removed for plausibility?? I’ve had this posted in two sites and no one has ever cared about such a detail.

I’m sorry but given some other stories I’ve read on here that present situations both unlikely and impossible, I’m confused as to why mine got singled out. Also, with regards to length, there is no posted word minimum but yet I seem to keep submitting things that are too short?

I can appreciate the story moderation but it feels like the reasons for mine getting rejected do not apply to every story submitted, as I have most certainly seen stories short or with a misplaced comma or misspelled word.

My story was about 8000 characters, theirs doesn’t do word count. As Rayne pointed out to me: What about models who sit for painting and drawing classes? They hold poses for 5-10 minutes! And in fact that angle was my inspiration for the story. My inspiration story was similar, but the artist in question was photographing for his paintings he’d do later.

Her rude response made me fume:

You had the good luck or misfortune to come across a photographer. Go ahead and stay still for an entire minute, never mind five or ten, and get back to me on it. If you put the detail in and it isn’t believeable {Note: I’m copy/pasting, that misspelling there is hers, ironic no?}, then one day someone is going to get back to you on it. In this case, it was me. Good writing depends on the details holding together.

I also verified a story of yours the other day and extensively corrected it, which I do not have to do. You are welcome, by the way.

Yes, your stories are short and lack structure, but they have been verified anyway, with effort on your part and good will on ours.

I pointed out Rayne’s comment to her in a single-sentence reply of “what about models for painters/drawing classes?” but ironically she never responded.

What a self-righteous cuntwad. Fuck off, to the whole site. Seriously. I’ve pulled my profile and my stories. Crap like “love poems” of which I wrote better emo-crap in highschool than that; erotica that makes the Fabio-covered-burning-loins seem tolerable….and I get yanked because this cunt says my plot basis is unrealistic???? Geezus they even have a fuckin “Supernatural” category! I was reallllly tempted there to link to the drivel I was referring to but I just couldn’t do it to the authors. I’ll take out my anger against the Moderator-Bitch-From-Hell but not innocent writers, no matter how much I want to say “look at this crap!”


Moving on.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*deep breath*

Today on Twitter I ran across this tweet:

I (as Toyswap) replied:

@Epiphora and @FemeDeliciosa jumped in as well, and to us (the sex toy reviewers on TSN in general) the term sanitize/sterilize means the same thing. No, I do NOT mean that they’re 110% professional-grade germ-free but they ARE the very definition of sanitized. This derision and PR idiocy is coming from a company that makes such winning products (can you hear my sarcasm?) as Clone-A-Willy (ew, rubber); a “Tongue Vibe” which is basically a tiny cheap bullet you strap on to your tongue; Clone-A-Pussy (also, ew, rubber) and dodgy “libido stimulators and supplements” that you ingest. Go ahead and call me a sex toy snob right now if you want but if I ever owned my own sex toy store, products like these would never be sold.

Both Epiphora and I attempted to tell the person behind the account what ToySwap actually IS.

I said: “you do realize that TSN is a private network of educated sex toy review bloggers who trade safe items amongst ourselves?”

E said: “We all have a LOT of toys that we never use. It’s nice to be able to give them a good home. Plz quit the butthurt responses.”

Their responses:

No…come on. They’re playin with me. Surely they’re not THAT thick-headed????

Yes. they are.

I replied: “oh, really? You can provide a Lelo toy? A whipspider toy? A tantus silicone dildo? For free?”

SHOCKINGLY, I received no reply to that one.

Jun 212010

So not too long ago I got this email from OkCupid. I haven’t logged on there in a good long while, (read: months) and so I was confused to see an email from them. I’d turned off all other ones, so was curious why the fuck they were bugging me.

What did this email tell me?

Here, you can see for yourself:


They’re now segregating based on perceived attractiveness.

I’ll let that sink in a mo’.

No, I’ll just let it sit there on it’s own, because I’m just too damn flabbergasted about it to say much more right now.

Sep 272009

Last week I told you about a Craigslist “missed connections” post I put up for the young man in my office that I originally wrote about here. In case you were too lazy to click that link, this is the picture that I included with the post. I figured office boy would recognize it as being me, if he saw the MC ad:


Apparently, it was in good part due to this photo that I got around 50 replies in the 6 days I left the ad up.

Now when I asked for opinions last week, most seemed to think that I meant “would you pretend to be the intended target?” – that wasn’t it. Not a single one of these emails were from a guy trying to pretend to be “M”. Oh no, they either made it clear that they knew they were not the intended victim or they thought they weren’t but listed off their building name anyways just to be sure. And then there was a good handful of men that didn’t try to say “Hey if you don’t find him, maybe we can talk more” – all they wanted to tell me was that “M” or my husband was a very lucky man and that my cleavage was awesome. One delusional man wearing a hairpiece and obviously over 50 wrote me thinking that maybe possibly I was looking for him; even though my ad said that “M” is 10 years YOUNGER than me.  He listed out his building name and all sorts of stuff.

I’ll share a few of the messages from men I didn’t bother to respond back to with my interrogation, just for giggles. And yes, a couple of them I decided to email back at the end of the week and ask them why they replied. Half of those didn’t answer me.

“………I know this would be even a longer shot than yours, but if you’re interested in flirting a little, hit me up! I don’t know why I sent this message other than trying to add a little excitement to a boring life right now, and I figured what the hell!”

(This was probably one of the least offensive replies.However, I didn’t say I was “looking-but-not-looking”, I out and out  stated that I wanted to fuck “M”.)

“I would be very interested in a would like your self…..If you like E-mail me back and we will go from there…..”


“hey im not that guy but i think i can help you out with the hookups and flirts :-)”

(No, I’m sure you can’t. Next!)

“does it have to be the right guy to respond to your post you sound fun and if you are interested in the young guy thing im 25 in decent shape and love to please older women.”

(Yes you fucking idiot it DOES have to be the right guy!)

“This is as much a long shot as your post, but I thought i would give it a try. I am not your friend from work, but that was such a wonderful pic that I thought I would tell you how much I would like to see them in person! Nothing more! Perhaps in a see through top, or in a verry sexy bra?”

(Wait…..what? I’m really not even sure what he wants here.)

“I love your ad   so I am kevin taking a long shot if you don’t hook up with the guy   get back to me,  I will     wow nice tits  love bbws  I am  45 6ft 3  and would love to fuck you and have a good time”

(I replied back: “How do you know you’d love to fuck me? Maybe I have an ugly face and weigh 300 pounds!” He didn’t answer me on that one.)

“Well I can tell you one thing, I don’t recognize that cleavage from the xxx building xth floor. So that leaves only two guesses, now I’m down to a 50/50 shot.
I’m going with 343 Xxxxx because there are lots of beautiful women in that building. Now… maybe I should’ve come over there and scoped out the xth floor before sending this. Nah hopefully you will decide to respond and meet me in person. I like your playful nature, I think that we could have a lot of FUN together. While I’m not 10 years younger than you, I am one year older, attractive white male. Drop me a line, and we’ll take it from there. I’m about the most adventerous person you will meet!”

me: “No, I’m not in that building. But how do you know I’m beautiful just based on my cleavage?”

him: “There are a lot of beautiful women In the 343 xxxx building. You do have very nice smooth cleavage. And I’m a sucker for great breasts. Want to do a walk by at Xxxxxx Place”

me: “Well I just said though that I’m not in the 343 Xxxxx Building.”

him: “Nope. But you’d still likely enjoy. Home watching a sick kid today. Maybe I’ll post a video for you to enjoy this evening. Showing a bit of my adventurous side.” (gag)

me: “So what made you reply to a missed connections ad if you know you’re not the guy I’m looking for, and all you’ve seen is my cleavage….? I’m honestly just curious.”

him: “What are you going to do for a playmate since you’ll likely not find him??”

me: “That didn’t answer my question……”

him: “thought you might’ve been someone else. nevermind.”

(LOL wtf? That’s how he drops it? Oh that was funny)

The following are the replies I got back when I prodded and asked them why they responded to my ad, trying for a meeting or hook-up, when my ad was clearly meant for a certain person and not the general public.

“I tend to take weird chances in my life. Alot of times I dont know how to explain it, but I just do it. I am running a 60/40 rate on it working out. Thats normally pretty good. I saw your ad because I live in an apartment complex and go to them often for friends. I read the description and thought, hey she sounds like fun. Why not take a chance and see what happens. Does that make any sense?”

(Ok sure, it kind of makes sense. Maybe. But his ratio proclamation is what I call bullshit to.)

“Yea that’s ok well I replied because I thought u sounded real not like a bot and u sounded hot and I liked the pic and I just figures if u thought this younger guy was cute that I’d email u and see if u were attracted to me I’m a young guy to I’m cute well endowed and I’m very attracted to older and married woman and that’s the type I want for a fwb situation I know its a lo g shot but I figured if I was ur type and u didn’t have luck with M maybe we could hookup???”

(Ugh holy hell, I didn’t want to reply to this guy, but I took one for the team. His original message was even more gag-worthy. This is why he responded to my ad)

“First off I am not that guy…lol   However I am THE guy.  I would love to get to know you a bit more.  I am also married so we both know the value of discretion.  I am 6’4 37 and dashingly handsome…;)  Let me know if you might be interested.”

(Cocky motherfucker, lol. Sometimes I like that in a guy, sometimes I don’t. This time, I don’t. But I asked him why he responded and the following is his answer)

him: “I liked what you said in your post and I love meeting new people…  It seemed like a good idea to reach out to you.  Obviously I am not shy,  and I just wanted to see if you might be interested. I guess it was a good idea after all huh?”

(good idea? I only replied asking in a nice cheeky way why he responded since I was obviously only looking for M and not a random hookup. Nothing about my query email suggested that I was going to consider him.)

“No it’s not a long shot because there will be plenty of other men interested in you.  Im 36, 6’2, 210 lbs, muscular, and very interested in you!  You are married?  So what.  What is wrong with a little flirtation and fun on the side to keep life interesting??  I would like to flirt with you via email since we dont work in the same office.  I also wouldnt mind swapping some racy pics back and forth if you’d be into it?  Then possibly meet up for some hot, mind blowing sex?  You let me know.”

me: “Hmmmm….so you’re interested this much in a perfect stranger based just on a shot of cleavage and a few words?”

him: “Is there something so wrong with that?”

me: “Well not “wrong” per se, just not quite right. Heck for all you know I could weigh 350 pounds and have an ugly face, but my cleavage is at least great!”

him: “Well your right.  I dont know what you look like.  I hope thats not the case, but I guess thats up to you if you want to tell me.  As far as me doing that, I have never looked there before.  I figured with so many fakes on CL, that was the only place to look where most of the postings were real.  I have no problem meeting women, just seems like its so much work to weed thru the ones that want a long term thing vs a NSA thing.  At this point in my life, i am looking for the latter.  Just seems like this is the easiest way to find what im looking for. And by the way, you pic tells me a story about you.  Even though its just of your breasts, this is what i saw.  You were dressed very nice.  You also looked extremely clean/feminine.  Maybe some extra weight, but that doesnt make you unattractive.  What you said made you attractive.  Just my opinion.”

(I didn’t reply back to that, but come ON! Ok seriously, all you can see in the pic is cleavage and a little of my top. You can’t see my hair. You can’t see much else of the top or what else I’m wearing so how can he “tell” I’m dressed very nice? I don’t see anything about that pic either that says I’m “extremely clean/feminine”.)

Well I got a few answers but really they didn’t help me much. I outright asked one guy if he replied because I sounded slutty and/or desperate and he denied that. DID I sound slutty or desperate in my original ad??? Maybe a little slutty, lol. But still I find it hard to believe that so many guys replied in that manner, thinking that if I didn’t find M that I would consider them. Perhaps the cocky asshole men don’t read my blog and therefore couldn’t shed light in the comments section of the last post.

May 232009

It’s been months since I last bothered with Craigslist but when I did I had a lovely run-in with the sort of guy who, once spurned, turns his forked tongue from compliments to insults. Also given his Wal-mart Employee status and general unintelligence, it proved to be ultimately more funny than hurtful. In fact, I wasn’t bothered negatively by it at all. I find this sort of behavior really funny because I don’t think these men realize just how bad it makes them look.

And while it is entirely too easy to make fun of these sorts, like shooting fish in a barrel, it’s still amusing as hell.

I’ll admit to you that this comes from my profile on OkCupid. I originally (couple years ago) started up on this site to meet women. I’ve actually ended up meeting men, mostly. Some have worked out to varying degrees and still others were abject failures. I  used to like the site. It’s one of the few that are free, there’s a lot of people of many ages and tastes on there ranging from those looking for hook-ups to those looking for the next Mr/Ms Right. In the last year though I’ve gotten fed up with both the site and the offerings of men and women in my area (meaning, I think, that I need to fucking move). So I changed my status from “Available” to “Seeing Someone” (meaning, I’m not looking for anything other than friendship). My profile is, perhaps unlike others, very honest and open and wordy. I migrated from highlighting the sexy to highlighting my base personality including my quirks, my ADD and my sense of humor. When I changed my status though I removed all sexy/risque photos and left up only one of me from waist to face.When I first started my blog, I included the link to it. When I first did toy reviews, I also posted them to the “blog” on the site. But when I quickly realized that I wouldn’t want anybody who works for…um…..the place I work…. to find my profile and then my blog, I removed the link. I still mentioned it because it’s part of my base sexuality and I will give out the link, but I said that people have to ask for a link. I have ignored messages of local guys asking for it, or just creepy men. And again, I don’t have the time or energy or give-a-shitness to respond “no thanks” to every guy who messages me whom I don’t have any interest in.

So this guy. He’s in my area. He’s a little older than I would normally go for, he’s 40 but doesn’t look it – he is likely moderately attractive but doesn’t photograph all that well. While not repulsive, he’s just not my type either physically or what he’s looking for according to his profile. He’s looking for his Ms Right. He’s got a 14 year old daughter and he even had her write this (really cute) paragraph on his profile. If I were a single woman looking for a family type guy, that profile would attract my attention.

And then he messages me after I logged in after a 2-month hiatus. I log back in 2 days later and see a few emails. I read them, I clicked over to his profile, but wasn’t interested. I’ll let you read this all, start to finish. I changed only a part of his username. I’m not real keen on keeping his identity well concealed actually, but I’m not bitch enough to outright post the exact correct username.

And of course, all typos and such are left to original status.

From: Bradsgreeneyes
05/08/2009 – 9:26pm

thought you had a really off the wall profile which is cool by me. i like different. if you want to send me a link to your blog, i would appreciate it. if not, thats fine also.

I believe it was the next morning, Saturday, around 8 or 9am, that I logged in, read it, glanced at his profile, and logged out.

From: Bradsgreeneyes
05/09/2009 – 11:03am

i am definitely interested in your link. would love to see some pics and would send you some of me also.

Why do they all assume that I’m interested in collecting cock-shots? I’m not, not unsolicited ones and certainly not men I’m not already flirting with. Women, on the other hand, are encouraged to send unsolicited pics ;)

From: Bradsgreeneyes
05/09/2009 – 5:56pm

can i ask why you don’t reply. you put that on your page and i thought you wanted people to check out your link. you are a very attractive woman and think pretty cool by reading your profile. i understand that you are seeing someone, but would still like to check out your link. what do i have to do? could you please reply. thanks.

Second email after I ignored him. At least this time he waited. Note as well that other than logging in that morning, I hadn’t logged back in.

From: Bradsgreeneyes
05/09/2009 – 6:46pm

i take it by your no response that your link is not a really that great to check out, or there isn’t one at all.

Oh and now the Dr Jekyl side peeks out. Or is it his bad attempt at reverse psychology?

From: Bradsgreeneyes
05/09/2009 – 9:43pm

still waiting.

still Creeeeeeppppyyyyyy

From: Bradsgreeneyes
05/10/2009 – 12:53pm

i am still waiting. i am very persistant. i will not stop until you reply.

Wow. That much is obvious. I still haven’t yet logged in, btw…

From: Bradsgreeneyes
05/12/2009 – 10:54pm

still waiting for the link to your blog. you put that in your profile, for what reason, if you are not going to be honest about it. you are very beautiful, and i would love to see you.

We’re back to the complimenting tactic, along with….I don’t know what. I’m not sure what that second sentence is trying to say.

From: Bradsgreeneyes
05/12/2009 – 11:03pm

would you at least talk to me.

Would you at least give up?!?! Geesh

From: Lilly
05/15/2009 – 11:05pm

Ok, whoa. I havent even logged in in days!
But seeing the deluge of emails from you, some of them not nice /borderline creepy/insulting….no. I won’t give out the link to my site.

And I don’t have the link in my profile because I couldn’t risk people that work where I do somehow being on this site and finding my blog.

Look ….I had to be honest, and hoped that by finally acknowledging him he’d back off.

I think I logged out right after sending this.

From: Bradsgreeneyes
05/15/2009 – 11:13pm

thats cool. sorry, i thought you were on cuz it said that you were online. i was just a little frustrated cuz you put that on there and then i thought you were blowing me off by not replying. that was my mistake. but honestly speaking i do think you are a very attractive woman, but i dont understand your decision. thanks for replying though. again sorry.


So he’s apologizing. Again, complimenting. Does he think I’ll change my mind? Does he think that that will erase the creepy-kinda-mean messages? Apparently so.

From: Bradsgreeneyes
05/15/2009 – 11:32pm

would you talk through im with me sometime?

Days later, I log back in, frustrated to see he’s not given up. He’s also viewed my profile every. fucking. day.

From: Lilly
05/21/2009 – 12:29pm

As you can see, I’m rarely on here, so no.
And what about my decision do you not understand?

From: Bradsgreeneyes
05/21/2009 – 5:11pm

thats cool. who actually wants to see some naked fat chick anyways. a carpet muncher at that. bet ya your man/woman is a looker.

Ohhhhhh so NOW I’m a fat chick, eh? And I bet if he read any of my posts on here about other women he wouldn’t be so disparaging with the lesbian slurs. I didn’t let my full bitch out when replying to the douchebags on that other site, but tonight….I was in a bad mood already, I hadn’t had a good day at work and had had a….disappointing turn of conversation with someone. Instead of getting angry though, I got even.While I hadn’t, obviously, yet posted his messages to me here, I wanted him to think I already had. The threat of “I will” didn’t seem as enjoyable. And again half of his message doesn’t make sense.

From: Lilly
05/21/2009 – 9:16pm

Thanks for playin along, Brad! It’s always a treat when I get the occasional message from the psychonuts who play up the compliments and begging but then when I bruise their ego they overcompensate for their tiny penis by turning nutter and maliciously threatening and/or insulting me. Honestly, it’s proven to be a huge matter of entertainment with my friends, my twitter buds, and my blog readers! I posted your messages to me up on my blog and it was so greatly enjoyed. You see, it’s really transparent when the local guys, such as yourself, start off with right away asking for the link to my blog. And guess what? It’s such an obvious pattern, you’re all the same. Predictable and staid. The guys who would NOT commit date rape are the ones I’ll gladly pass along the link to.
Do not. Ever. Contact me again. Buhbye now!

It was at that point that I remembered that Okcupid has a “block” feature which didn’t work with the last dickhead who repeatedly threatened me, like actual “you should go kill yourself”  “i hope you get raped” sort of messages that, ironically, the Okcupid admin wouldn’t do anything about and the block feature wasn’t keeping that guy from messaging me. So, I blocked his ass.

He continued to view my profile. But he was, essentially, gagged and bound.


If you were intelligent enough to find this, Brad, (I highly fucking doubt it) then hi!!!!!!

Related posts you might enjoy:

~ The Dickhead Files: Fetfail

~ Men’s Primer: How to Fail at Your Craigslist Dating Experience

May 142009

{as an aside….I interrupt your reading to bring this completely narcissistic moment: My birthday is next week, May 19th. That is all}

I am a member of an online community, yet another social app, but this one is specifically geared towards fetish and kink. It’s not really a “dating” site, it’s more of a place for link-minded friends to all have profiles and post lively discussions in the forums and find local group meet-ups.

Of course, it’s also a place where stereotypes of the worst extreme come to fester. I am never more disgusted with the Dominant Male as a generality as I am in places like these. But let it be said that I see through it and I know that most true dominants are going to shake their heads in disgust.

*All screennames changed to protect the innocent, i.e. me.

Before I continue, let me say my position here on this community. My profile is complete because I am there in an intellectual capacity only (and am there in the first damn place due to peer pressure, lol). In my “looking for” section I list only that I am looking for friends. That is IT. My profile lists me as a Switch.

I get this message from a local man labeling himself as a Dom. There is no photo on this profile, there is no missive to reel in the intellectual side of a woman. There is simply a very truncated list of his likes, and his eloquent screen name. I’ll warp it a bit and call him MisterSpanksTooMuch.

Subject: “looking to spank”

Content: “interested?”

I could ignore it, sure. But I’m a fiesty little bitch when it comes to assholes online like this. I reply back: “Interested in what, exactly?”

How original, his reply is this and nothing more: “bare botton spanking, cunnilingus and exhibitionism” (typo left for story color purposes)

me: “I really couldn’t say if I’m interested or not, I don’t know you at all. I’m not the sort who is interested in merely the activity, I need to be interested in the person.”

Finally, this elicits a full sentence from him, even two! Asking me if I’d like to get to know him. Christ, dude, might have been a good idea to lead with that.

This man, at least he’s apropo, has his profile photo as a dog. A bulldog. He’s got two other photos, as well, and let me just say without wanting to seem shallow and knowing full well that I am neither model-pretty or -skinny, that I would not touch this man with a 20 foot pole while wearing double-layer leather gloves. And a blindfold. He’s almost old enough to be my father and lives well out of range (thankfully)

Subject: “You’re pretty hot…”

Content: “especially for a gal in xxx, XX!

Bet you’d like to smack my big, fat ass….perhaps even feed me fatter? ;)”


Pardon me, I think I’m going to lose my dinner now. I would love to know WHAT in my meager profile gave this jackass the impression that I would be meet this email with a positive reception?? My reply was a scathing: “You simply could not be farther off base”

The next, this one also older but local. He does have a valid profile photo but says very very little in his profile information. His email, while at least being mostly non-offensive and containing proper English and full sentences, still rubs me the wrong way. Can you spot the “this is what made Lilly’s eyes flash in indignant offense” part?

Subject: “Hello girl”

Content: “My name is X. I have been a Dom for over 15 yrs. I recently moved back to XX after living in Europe the past 5 yrs. I am currently seeking a newer sub to train and teach all that I have learned. I am an experienced patient teacher who can provide you with a safe and comfortable place to explore all your desires. I have alot of experience in teaching subs. Come let me watch you grow and blossom into the submissive/slave you have always dreamed of being. Hope to hear from you soon.”

I just never bothered to respond to him.Why waste my breath on what was clearly a canned, impersonal fishing expedition email?

An early message was from a male profile, yet AGAIN no photo and no intro paragraph. His email, while being mostly innocuous and able to chalk up to “inexperienced moron”, wasn’t too terrible. He lets me know that he and his gf have been looking for someone to share and he likes my looks (awwwww). He says HE will be in my area for jus a couple nights but then goes back to talking about her and how much she (this invisible she) wants to get to know me. Actually, no, I misspoke. They want to “party” with me.

I’ll pause and let the giggles subside.

PARTY?!?! Party. What the flying fuck does that mean really and who the fuck uses “party” as a euphemism for “one night NSA fuckfest”??

I replied with:  “Party”? What, exactly, do you mean by that?

Surprisingly, he chose not to enlighten me.

I saved the best for last. Aren’t I nice that way?

Screenname: *DominantForYou2Serve

Profile Photo: Shocker! None

Surprisingly, this one does fill out his paragraphs. Extensively. With a lot of overuse of the bold tags and liking to sound as authoratitive as his young years allow. In Relationship Status he has chosen “It’s Complicated”. Yeah, I bet. He goes on to explain what he’s looking for, what he simply won’t have and that he works second shift and has “obligations and responsibilities” during the day (read: taking care of the kids while the wife is at work) and so he can only meet in the wee hours of the morning.

Between 1am and 4 am.

Hand to Bejeezus I do not make this shit up.

His email to me tells me again that he’s looking for a “discrete” woman (read: don’t ask questions bitch and you’ll live to see tomorrow), he’s up for anything but it must be between 2am and 4am. Wait, what? What happened to that golden hour of 1am to 2am? I got the shaft!!

I wasn’t feelin my oats that today so I simply replied “So sorry but no, those hours are completely ridiculous”.

What the fuck does this douchebag think, that just because he propositions 100 submissive women than one will be dumb enough to meet a stranger at 2 fucking AM? One who doesn’t even have the cojones to put up a goddamn profile photo??

Edit: If you know which site I’m referring to, please stay mum on the site name in your comment. I’m not naming it to protect my whereabouts from vanilla people coming to my blog who really shouldn’t be knowing such things about me (i.e. family, employers, etc) rare, but I gotta be a little weird about it. Thanks!! :)