Posted by Lilly | 3 Comments

The Rabbit Vibrator: An Essay (Or Buying Guide)

The Rabbit Vibrator. Were it not for Sex and The City¹, would this type of sex toy ever have gained the popularity that it has? Probably. Why? Because we are lured into the promised land of one toy (and therefore one hand) doing the job of two or even three toys, stimulating many spots at once like a talented lover or two in bed with you. My opinion? Rabbit vibrators are perhaps the biggest gimmick in the sex toy industry. Why “Rabbit”? While I don’t know the detailed historical timeline of these toys, the infamous Rabbit Vibrator² used in Sex and the City is made by Vibratex, a Japanese company, and we know how they like to use animals in their vibrators. The clitoral stimulator is a cute wittle bunny wabbit head and ears…ahem. sorry. Theory is that the long jelly/TPR ears will flutter and stimulate your clitoris. Great for women who don’t want direct vibration on their clits – terrible for women whose anatomy doesn’t fit the exact length of the toy or who want more vibrations on their clit. Companies that stick with the animal theme have gone with dolphins (they have a snout) and beavers (for the cliche?) and other choices. Some of the clitoral stimulators rely on the fluttering of the extended material while some models have the vibrating portion directly on your clit.

Many Rabbit style vibrators (for this term is now used synonymously with “dual action” vibrators, even if the blessed thing thankfully doesn’t resemble any animal of any kind such as the Jopen Vanity line or Lelo or FunFactory or many others) are praised and put on pedestals, recommended to beginners and frustrated collectors alike. My question is…..WHY? Just like I don’t understand the hype and prevalence of vibrating cock rings, I don’t understand why a sex toy expert or enthusiast would recommend a dual-stim / dual-action / rabbit vibrator as a great toy for the masses but especially confused on why it would be recommended for a beginner. 

Three things you need to know to buy a Rabbit Vibrator that will work for you:

1. The exact layout of your vulva including how far in your g-spot is, how far up your clitoris is from the opening of the vaginal canal, and also how long your arm is or how flexible you are
2. Does the vibrator in question have the type and intensity of vibrations you like and has it stood the test of time with other users
3. The exact specifications and dimensions of the vibrator, not just length of the insertable portion or the clitoral arm but the angle and etc

I’m betting most buyers don’t know that stuff. I once bought a Rabbit style vibrator long ago and far away. A Doc Johnson one. I’m not sure if it was jelly or pvc but the material was sub-par but that was common back then. Did I like it? Hell yes! I loved it the first few times, but loved it more when my partner used it on me because he could get a more appropriate angle on it than I could solo. It also didn’t last very many uses and it certainly didn’t live up to its price which was over $75 at the time. There are certainly even more expensive dual-stimulator vibrators on the market (Hello, Lelo and Jopen Vanity). I still ask for them to review sometimes….it’s like the hope for winning the lottery. It lingers despite your logical brain knowing the odds. On EdenFantasys there are 250 sex toys in the “Rabbit” category (of course, I won’t let you buy a goddamn JELLY toy so filtering out that material leaves us still with 147 to choose from). That isn’t even every single one available on the market, I’m sure.

A rabbit vibrator or dual-stimulation vibrator is usually going to be expensive – if it is not, it is made from jelly/rubber and you all know how bad that is, right? And, sadly, price (as we all know from my reviews) doesn’t line up with quality or longevity or compatibility with your body. I have reviewed or purchased I think 5 of these rabbit / dual-stimulation vibrators and ALL were over $100. Only one of those, the Vanity VR6, comes close to pleasing me but even that one is not perfect for my anatomy and certainly won’t be for even half of you. The Lelo Ina 2 is similar to the Vanity VR6 in design, but the clitoral arm is less clampy and the internal portion is less intense. It is still pretty decent though, and I’ve been able to orgasm from it. I recommend it but with cautions and caveats. The other downfall of the typical rabbit/dual-stim vibrator is that it is straight – even if the shaft is not straight (which, most of them are except the newest ones) the handle is straight and this is just not ergonomically proper. Unless you are in good shape, slender and are not cursed with shorter-than-average arms you will have a bit of trouble using the vibrator at the angle it is supposed to be used at. If you pull the handle/base of any vibrator or dildo upwards towards your body it of course angles the toy the other way – towards your ass and away from your g-spot. I’m not invalidating all the reviewers or other women who own a rabbit style vibrator and genuinely love it. All I’m saying is that they are expensive and can be very frustrating. I would much rather have to use both hands and two toys to achieve the type of penetration and clitoral stimulation that I enjoy, all at once, than choose a singular toy that does both things half-assed.

 

In the midst of writing this I just had to go download and watch the episode of Sex and the City, since it’s been a very long time that I’ve seen the first season. I put together the clips from that episode that focus on the toy. And now that I watch it I see it all with a very different point of view – I saw something…somewhere…like the greatest moments in tv for sex or something…I can’t remember. Anyways the Rabbit moment was discussed. It was put in a positive light, like talking about vibrators on the show opened things up for women everywhere. Maybe it did. But the way Charlotte, Miranda and even Carrie talk about the vibrator is pretty sex-negative. They’re comparing the vibrator to men, and of course men don’t stack up to it. They’re choosing it over men. Is it any wonder why we have to deal with men who are insecure about their partners wanting a vibrator? Can a vibrator give me orgasms that a person can’t: Yes. For me personally. But that doesn’t mean I would choose a solo session with my vibe over a sexy hour with a partner! Sex and orgasms are about so much more than the final moment. But that’s a topic for another post…..anyways here’s the video clip I made up.

Read More

All text and images on this site require permission before they can be used anywhere. To obtain permission click here to contact me

Posted by Lilly | Comments Off

Ask Lilly: “My sex toy stinks – what should I do?”

A few weeks ago I got this question in my Formspring inbox and only now got around to answering it. All I know is what the person asked me, which was:

My vibrator has a lingering rubbery smell to it, how can I get rid of that? What should I wash it with?

Here’s my plain and simple answer:

THROW IT OUT.

The smell is coming from any number of things, and any one of those things has the potential to act like a toxic substance to the delicate mucus membranes of your genitalia. It could be that the toy is jelly and even if the packaging says “no phthalates” that doesn’t mean there aren’t a number of other irritating chemicals that are leaching out. True Pleasures once wrote about her worrisome time as a CalExotics Sexpert and the dodgy toys (and responses) she’d receive from them¹. She received items that were claimed to be TPR (CalExotics actually claims on their Product Information sheet on their site that their TPR & TPE is non-porous. I call bullshit and do not believe them one bit. Most TPR’s are porous; after all they’re the cheaper version of the material and CalExotics isn’t famed for their expensive toys) but smelled so badly they gave her a headache. Response? Oops, we think you managed to get a rare manufacturing error and it’s actually PVC. Oh we’re so distressed about this, we’re as upset as you, we paid for TPR! (I’m paraphrasing here). Again she received other TPR material toys that had funny, lingering odors. The ole “oh let it air out a day” response didn’t fly, as the smell was still there. She got one email that said the smell might be from an accelerant that helps release the toy from it’s production mold; then he say no, it was the glue, it didn’t cure long enough². But all the while she is assured that these culprits are all non-toxic, phthalates-free, etc.

Every time True Pleasures would get a dodgy toy, her respondents (even Al Bloom) claimed to have gone out to the warehouse, opened up other toys like the one she had (even cutting them open, as she did) to see if others of the same toy had the same problem as hers. Of course, they were all ok. She just happened to get the one oddball. Also, they went out and ruined a case of toys? I’m sure their profit margin is high enough that it’s a drop in the bucket butt again I call bullshit.

Back to the issue at hand. We don’t even know what brand the toy is that the person is asking about.

A well-made toy shouldn’t have any lingering odors. A slight odor when you first open up the packaging – ok, I’ll consent to that. But it should not linger on the toy for very long if it is truly just part of the cleaning process or something to do with the packaging. Your supposed TPR toy could actually be PVC, or jelly/rubber. Who the hell knows. It’s not like there’s any real regulations out there. They can say what they want. Or it could be TPR, but what you’re smelling is indeed another chemical or glue or whatever. They say it’s non-toxic. Really? Show me the MSDS sheet then on all the materials and I’ll decide for myself.

THROW IT THE FUCK OUT. please.

Or you could attempt to contact the manufacturer and tell them your problem, be told it’s a one-off and maybe they’ll send you a new one that doesn’t stink. Maybe. Small chance the reseller will let you return it, depends on who you bought it from. But the bottom line is that you don’t actually know what’s causing the smell (unless of course it IS a jelly toy and I wasn’t told that the rubber-like smell is actually coming from a fucking rubber toy) and you don’t know what it might do to your body. You could use it once with no immediate repercussions and sometime down the line after a few more uses have this strange thing goin on down there and not know what’s up.

Buy from reputable manufacturers.

Buy hard plastic, pure silicone, glass, ceramic, metal, wood, and TPR only from trust-worthy manufacturers³.

If your sex toy stinks, there’s a decent chance that the stink is a warning: HEED THAT WARNING. THROW IT OUT.

If you actually do insist on using the damn thing, please use a toy cover or a condom on it. (use larger condoms for girthier toys, and if you have latex allergies shell out for the newer non-latex condoms).

Here’s another “test”: Would you put it in your mouth with that smell? Would you gag from the smell and taste? If yes, then why the hell put it in your vagina or ass?? There’s a million other sex toys out there that are not unsafe. Go buy one of those.

Read More

All text and images on this site require permission before they can be used anywhere. To obtain permission click here to contact me

Posted by Lilly | 6 Comments

Ask Lilly – Open and Polyamorous: Why be married at all?

Recently on OkCupid a very unlikely candidate messaged me and he eventually started questioning me on topics surrounding open marriage; apparently I was the first he’d run into on OKC who admitted to being in an open relationship. I suspect he wasn’t looking very hard.

I’m very interested in trying open relationships for a change. In the past I would fall in love quickly, spend too much money, make too many compromises, and then watch things fall apart for reasons that were beyond my control. I always thought that the open relationship lifestyle (if you want to call it that) was more natural and more honest than the sort of till-death-do-us-part mentality I had. I haven’t meet many people who are living this way, what can you tell me about it? How do you handle being married and seeing other people? Why be married at all?

My answer to him was:

You might want to do some reading research on the differences between polyamorous relationships and open relationships.

You can still have that “til-death-do-us-part” mentality and to a big degree my husband and I do. What we DID remove from our vows though was “forsaking all others” (it was a tiny ceremony and I re-wrote the traditional wedding vows in a way that subtly reflected our lifestyle and lack of religion whilst being showy and emotional enough that the parents never noticed what was missing). Many people DO want what’s called a “primary partner”. Someone to share your home and potential children with (if children is something you might want), a rock to always have around……but with the ability to explore other relationships. People in the non-monogamy camp firmly believe that no one person can be one other person’s “everything”. After all, your platonic friends to a degree provide something that your primary partner might not, so why not a lover?

It’s not easy. Unless you are mostly devoid of jealousy and have perfected (or are trying really, really hard to perfect) the ability to maintain compersion for your other partners’ joy in their other loves, as well as all parties having the self-control not to completely drown in their “new relationship energy” at the expense of their primary relationship. 99% of people are not that perfect. So that’s why I say it’s not easy. It has perks and benefits, yes.

Why be married at all? As I said before, just because I want to have the ability to lust and love others doesn’t mean I don’t still want a primary partner to lean on and raise a home with. As for the institution of marriage itself – it’s more the legal and common necessity than anything else. At one point yes, the romantic side of us wanted to be married for the sake of marriage, to wear the rings and say “husband” and “wife” but this was when we were younger. Currently I personally don’t feel the need for legal marriage to fortify our relationship, I don’t worry that if we weren’t married we’d be any less committed to each other. My husband and I have been serious since 1998, but only got married a couple years ago (we had been waiting until we were able to afford a decent wedding, the wedding I’d planned and dreamed about, not to mention a proper length honeymoon) solely because he really needed to be put on my health insurance as I was the one working and had really good insurance. So it was a tiny ceremony with just our parents and felt more like a “green card wedding” than what I’d always dreamed of. But, oh well. Beyond the health insurance issue is all other sorts of legal benefits, very adult and boring matters such as taxes and wills and etc.

Read More

All text and images on this site require permission before they can be used anywhere. To obtain permission click here to contact me

Posted by Lilly | 7 Comments

Ask Lilly: Talking to a skeptical partner about outside sex

I received a Formspring question that really made me think. I’m going to do my best to give my opinions, my advice, and then open the floor to my readers for their input.

Lilly, how do I go about telling my husband that I would like a lesbian experience? He already has issues trusting me. How can I explain to him that I just find women sexy but don’t want an actual relationship with one?

My initial response: Oy vey.

She really could have inserted anything at all after “telling my husband that….” because the biggest issue here is TRUST. Now, I don’t know why he has issuing trusting her. He could be jealous, insecure; she could have cheated in the past. The why isn’t important. It’s that the lack of trust even exists.

To the asker:

The first issue to be addressed here is just the need to talk to the husband. Get to the root of the trust issues. If you can’t, if he can’t trust you…..then you have way bigger problems in the marriage than I am qualified to advise on. Make an appointment to see a marriage counselor.

If his trust issues have no basis, if he is merely insecure about outside sex, my gut response is to direct you to Tristan Taormino’s famous book: Opening Up. It isn’t just for polyamorous relationships, it’s for all levels of opening up, even just “monogamy with benefits”. Both of you need to read this book.

Talk. Talk and talk and more talks. Tell him why you want these experiences. The base line for all of this talk is honesty. Lie about nothing, omit nothing. And if the two of you talking alone is not helping I need to refer back to a counselor. Specifically, a relationship counselor that is knowledgeable and open-minded about open relationships of all types. Tristan has a list on the site, The Open List, where licensed professionals submitted their contact info.

Readers: Have you been in this, or similar, situations? Do you just have some (helpful, non-combative) advice? Speak up in comments!

Read More

All text and images on this site require permission before they can be used anywhere. To obtain permission click here to contact me

Posted by Lilly | 4 Comments

Ask Lilly: How do I know if a sex toy has phthalates in it?

Another Formspring question here!

When looking for a new toy how do you know if it does or does not have pthalates? asked by mydnitebyte

First, a definition from Wikipedia: Phthalates, or phthalate esters, are esters of phthalic acid and are mainly used as plasticizers (substances added to plastics to increase their flexibility, transparency, durability, and longevity).¹

The sex toy review community and sex-positive toy shops are all buzzing about phthalates and how bad they are for you. Phthalates are found in many plastic items that have been chemically softened. The studies going around are saying that phthalate exposure can damage all sorts of organs, and can possibly cause cancer. There are a lot of harmful things in our world these days that we can’t avoid – so when we CAN avoid something like toxins in our sex toys, we should. Not to mention, toys that contain phthalates are also porous and can harbor bacteria if not cleaned properly; they also cannot be sterilized for 100% safety against transmission of STD’s.

 

So how DO you know if a sex toy has phthalates in it?

1. Research your toy purchases from sites that include that sort of information.

a. At EdenFantasys, you can choose “Phthalates Free” in your search options when you’re browsing categories like vibrators, dildos, butt plugs, etc.
b. At Babeland you can purchase anything they sell and know that there are no phthalates – they won’t sell toys that contain them.
c. At Good Vibes, look for this logo on the product description page for a toy:
d. At SheVibe.com, every safe toy will be marked as “Phthalate-Free” in the logos underneath the description for each toy

 

2. Stick with materials that are known to be safe. This includes:

a. 100% pure medical-grade silicone
b. Elastomer, TPE, TPR, WTP
c. Hard plastic/acrylic
d. Glass, metal, wood, ceramic, and other natural materials

Avoid sex toys made of jelly, rubber, pvc/vinyl. While some of the “cyberskin”/UR3 and other “realistic materials” may not contain phthalates, I would personally recommend staying away from them. They’re porous, they usually have an odor, they require “powdering” (no talc!!! that’s proven to be bad for genitals) and many are painted to look even more realistic but this paint suspiciously rubs off with use/washing.

Can condoms keep you safe from phthalates?

Researchers/scientists haven’t come to a conclusive yes/no result yet, but they say it depends on numerous condom factors such as:

a. The thickness of the latex.
b. The integrity of the condom.
c. Additives in latex condoms could also influence whether phthalates pass through. For example Nonoxynol-9, which used to be used as a spermicide in condoms, could actually increase the risk of phthalate exposure (Nonoxynol-9 is no longer commonly used on condoms or personal lubricants though).
d. The personal lubricant in pre-lubricated condoms could (but doesn’t necessarily) facilitate the leaching phthalates out of a sex toy.²

One thing that I wasn’t able to find in my searches is this: Since the FDA isn’t regulating the sex toy industry, could a company claim that a toy is phthalate-free if it’s made out of a blend or cyberskin & its comrades? Since I can’t find an answer on that – and given that the iffy toys are kinda gross to begin with, what with their chemical odor – my recommendation is to just avoid the stuff altogether. Spend the extra $10-20 on a known-as-safe toy material and you’ll get a longer toy life and the peace of mind that your toys are safe.

 

 

1 – Definition of phthalates from Wikipedia
2 – Phthalates and condoms fom About.com:Sexuality

Read More

All text and images on this site require permission before they can be used anywhere. To obtain permission click here to contact me