Mar 092015
 

Lovehoney Rockbox FingerNo matter how anybody felt about it in use, all reviews about the original Lovehoney Rockbox said the same thing: it was horrifyingly loud. Lovehoney didn’t take that as a negative, apparently, when they created the Rockbox Finger which is shaped like a lazily-crooked giant’s finger which “thrusts”. Thrusting toys somehow had new life breathed into them in the last year or so. The Lovehoney Rockbox Finger is like the Fun Factory Stronic on bath salts – manic, loud, offensive, dangerous and erratic. It is really the polar opposite of the Stronic line. If you thought the Lelo Mona Wave was loud, you ain’t heard nothin yet. I couldn’t tolerate the electric razor sound of the iGino; it made my cats run away. iGino is the sound of a babbling brook compared to the Lovehoney Rockbox Finger. Yes, it’s that bad. It’s louder than the Magic Wand, it’s louder than the Doxy Massager

Somehow…..SOMEHOW…..the very first time I turned it on, the thing decided to act possessed. It would not turn off. The vibrations would randomly slow down, speed up, appear to be doing the cha-cha and then rattle furiously while I kept clicking that button as if my life depended on it. While the husband looked on with mounting irritation and the cats were cowering under the end table, I frantically pulled out the manual which claims that you should press and hold the button to turn it off. NOTHING WORKED. I was exiled to another room; I had to go to the bedroom and shut the door. I was cackling at the absurdity but genuinely concerned because it wouldn’t turn off1.  Finally, finally, the 47th click turned it off. The relief I felt at that moment was immense. Since then, it’s mostly been okay in function. Except for the fact that, despite the video and instructions from another review, the battery cap will. not. budge. So I have to make my assessments and do everything I need to do before the batteries inside die a merciful death.

If you want to hear what the Rockbox Finger sounds like, check out this video. It’s about 1/2 or 2/3rd way through and be sure to turn down your sound!

It’s not often that I find a sex toy with zero redeeming qualities – even when something doesn’t work for me, I can (usually) see how it would work out well for someone else. There was the gag gift, the magnetic horror, this old worthless Extase vibe, and of course those cheap rabbits. And now, the Lovehoney Rockbox Finger.

Lovehoney Rockbox Finger - I PinchWhile the Stronic uses something akin to the Shake Weight to do its thrusting, the Lovehoney Rockbox Finger just moves back and forth. I’ve seen something like this long ago, but at least it was covered in a rubber shell to bridge the literal gap – the pinchy gap. It pinches. Like a crab. It will pinch your finger, your inner thigh, your labia, etc. Whatever skin it is near, it will pinch if you fuck up ONCE. I can assure you that for someone not into pain, the third pinch was the final straw for me. Oh and for all the maniacal “thrusting”? It doesn’t even work. Even just touching my labia, when I tried to use it clitorally, the slightest resistance made it stop because I was holding the handle. If the motion has nowhere to transfer to, it stops. If you hold the handle lightly enough while it’s inserted, then the handle is bobbing away ferociously outside your vag, with some weird rattling vibrations going on inside. It’s flat-out ridiculous. No price is worth it but I’m offended that Lovehoney charges over $40 for it. I’m also offended that of the 14 on-site reviews, you only see the good reviews at first glance. The rest are all warnings and rants, but miraculously there’s just enough to make the front page look positive. What a coincidence! 

Shevibe was considering carrying this atrocity because they’d had a few customers ask for it. They had their doubts, so they sent it to me to get a second opinion. Not only do I think Shevibe shouldn’t stock this, I don’t think Lovehoney should be selling it. This shouldn’t be on the market. IT’S JUST THAT BAD. DO. NOT. BUY. IT. While the price is exponentially higher, many people love the Fun Factory Stronic – consider that one if you want something that thrusts for you. If you want an enlightening experience, thrust your own dildo

  1. There is a very hysterical 2-minute video that starts from the time I’ve exiled to the bedroom, but I’m not sure I can share it because of anonymity reasons
Feb 252015
 

JimmyjaneHelloTouchX

Special Note: If you are truly considering purchasing the Hello Touch X and do not have much knowledge on safe e-stim use, please read the Safety section that is in purple text. Jimmyjane does not include a decent safety guideline in their manual.

It’s well-known if you read my reviews and posts that I hate Jimmyjane products and they don’t like me much either. So why do I keep reviewing them? For one, I feel that negative reviews are just as important as positive reviews and two….I hated the original Hello Touch so much that I just had to see if they listened to any complaints and made a better product with the Hello Touch X. The product, as a concept, is good.

While none of the Jimmyjane vibes I’ve tried worked for me, they’ve all had positive reviews by other people. And when I read their reviews, I could bring myself to understand why they would recommend a toy that I eviscerated: it worked really well for them. When a sex toy works really well for you, you can overlook high costs and imperfect designs. But the original Hello Touch….well, I couldn’t find a single redeeming quality to it. I don’t think I would be able to understand how anyone could love it. The flaws were so abundant and glaring. One thing I wanted to find out with the Jimmyjane Hello Touch X is if they managed to fix any of the terrible flaws from the original Hello Touch.  The control pack on the original Hello Touch was awful; buttons so hard to press, it hurt my wrist. The control pack on the Hello Touch X is much improved. The arm band for the original Hello Touch was flimsy material, with blank circles overtop the buttons. You had no idea what was what. Hello Touch X armband is now neoprene with velcro closure, will fit many wrists, and has labeled button decals. The pod straps on the original Hello Touch were notoriously tight, to the point of having cold, hurting fingertips. The pod straps on the Hello Touch X are better. They’ll still be a bit too snug for those with very thick fingers though. I still think they should be including an extra set of larger pod straps. But hey! That would logical!  The original Hello Touch also requires a ridiculous AAAA battery which is damn near impossible to find. The Hello Touch X is thankfully USB rechargeable.

Now, what about the vibrations? They still suck. I don’t think they’re any different. They may be enough for very sensitive people, though. When the pods are dangling there, they seem to buzz away but in use the vibrations are greatly dampened. With the original Hello Touch, Jimmyjane claimed there was “3 times the vibration in 1/3 the size” but it was never clear what they were comparing it to. Now the Hello Touch X is advertised as 5 times the power in 1/3 the size, yet the vibration strength has not increased.  When you make comparison claims with no direct comparison, you start to sound like you’re selling snake oil. I really cannot stress this enough: These are NOT “powerful” vibrations. These are probably more powerful than the Fukoku Glove, but when compared to most external vibrators it isn’t powerful.

So while the Hello Touch X does have some very necessary improvements on the original…it seems the original Hello Touch is still just as shitty as ever. Unless I’m informed otherwise, I see no evidence that the original Hello Touch has received the improvements to the control pack, pod straps or arm band, which really just sucks.

The Hello Touch X is not for people with grip issues or finger strength issues. The 2 sets of pods use a micro-UBS cable that requires a very firm push (more than you think is necessary) to be properly seated. And you shouldn’t press on the end with your thumb, or you may end up bending and breaking the wires over time – you need to grasp it by the sides to push. The same goes for removing the plug – don’t tug by the wire. Slick, lubed fingers will have a hard time grasping the tiny portion of the plug to remove it.  The problem is this seemingly useless little ring around the plug on the pods. It adds a snugness that isn’t necessary. You might think that you would only need to push in the plug until that ringed collar is flush with the port but you’d be wrong.

JimmyjaneHelloTouchXfinger1 JimmyjaneHelloTouchXfinger2 JimmyjaneHelloTouchXPlug

The Electrostim In Use

I did a few-month stint at physical therapy before for tennis elbow, and every session started out with the TENS unit. They would turn it up to something mild and quickly I’d get used to it, and I’d turn it up as high as I could manage. It never made me wince, it never felt like truly painful. The Jimmyjane Hello Touch X feels like a hot needle prick, a rubberband snap, just plain OW. I don’t like the sensation. I tried it on my arm and leg (they suggest you do not start out on the genitals), and it was frightening – it fucking hurt and it made me terrified to try it on my labia. Maybe my intolerance to this is due to the fibromyalgia; I don’t really know. From talking to other people who are more “expert” at e-stim than I, it seems that the tiny tiny e-stim surface area of the Hello Touch X is going to produce the more painful zaps versus the pads that come with traditional e-stim sets or the large areas found on insertable e-stim vibrators. But try it, I did. And the e-stim sensation was stronger and more “normal” when used on my labia, probably because of the natural lubrication already there. And on the first setting it felt okay. Nothing that would do anything for me, orgasm-wise, but it lacked the sharp sting. It seemed to be stronger than I expected the first setting to be, and I was right – setting 2 produced a sharp zap that elicited a loud “SONOFABITCH!” and that sucker was turned off and pants yanked back up faster than you can say Chipotle Burritos Are Awesome. Never. Again. I tried it once for the sake of this review and I have no desire to ever use these e-stim pods again.  And there are 8 more levels of intensity above that!! Nooooope. Nope.

Half the time when using the e-stim pods, I felt nothing. I cycled through the settings, I clicked the power button continuously…..nothing. Sometimes I would click the power buttons and go from feeling nothing to suddenly OW. Sometimes it was OW right off the bat at seemingly the first setting. So, it’s wonky at best.  You’ll never know what setting you’re on or if it’s even working. The light that turns on for charging doesn’t do anything during use. You’ll have no idea if it’s broken or needs to be charged. For $149, couldn’t they at least do that?

SAFETY!

Jimmyjane Hello Touch X User Manual Guide showing suggested spots for use including: ear, neck, nipple, genitals, knee, ribcage? waist? upper arm, and thighI’m disappointed but not surprised with the fact that Jimmyjane seems to have half-assed the e-stim use and especially the safety aspect. Sure, they warn you not to use if you have a pacemaker, if you’re pregnant or if you have a metal IUD/piercings. But one of the photos on the box specifically shows one person wearing the e-stim pods, poised to deliver a zap to their partners shoulder blades. Other manufacturers of e-stim products take their warnings more seriously, for example estim.com, which warns against ANY use above the waist. They advise you on lubes to use and to avoid for your best e-stim experience. A manufacturer of e-stim devices, Mystim, also has a lot of safety and use information on their site. A good rule to follow that simplifies things: Never let the current flow through head, heart or throat.

Jimmyjane does not include the full manual with the actual product, you need to go online to get it. In the manual they have an illustration showing suggested points on the body. They do not elaborate on safe practices, like making sure the flow of electricity doesn’t cross the meridian. A good example of this would be that you should be okay to use both pods on the same shoulder (both pods at once, never one single pod) but it would be very dangerous to place one pod on each side of the spine. They do say that it “won’t work” if you only use one pod (it does), but they fail to explain that – especially for above the waist use – using only one pod could be dangerous. Again, there is mention in the “suggested use” section that one should place the pods on the body first and THEN turn on the power, but they don’t tell you why and they don’t explain this at all. One suggested place to use it appears to be the ear; another on the neck(!). It makes no sense AND seems highly dangerous.

Special thanks to the r/BDSMcommunity people who took the time to explain this stuff to me. You can read their responses for more in-depth safety talk.

Before you use the e-stim pods, please do your own research on safe e-stim use beyond what I’ve found here. It is crucial. If used incorrectly it actually can interfere with the heart. The safety of this should be taken much more seriously by Jimmyjane, but it’s not. Until they can be more responsible with their suggestions and more informative, I cannot recommend the Hello Touch X to anyone who has zero experience with TENS units or other e-stim products.

 

Overall there have been improvements, but I’d rather see these improvements carry over to the original Hello Touch. Unless you already know that you really really love e-stim, I think the Jimmyjane Hello Touch X is not going to be the intro to e-stim for the masses. I think that the vibrations are crappy in use. The glaring flaws of the original have been fixed, so I don’t hate it and I would recommend it for people who want an e-stim device with the capabilities that come with having the shocking bits attached to your fingers. If you want e-stim that produces more semi-painful zaps than muscle contractions, then you might like this. But if you’ve never tried e-stim before? Run away. Buy another, more reputable brand. Do your research. Attend a class on it, if that’s available to you.

 

Thanks to Shevibe for providing me with the Jimmyjane Hello Touch X in exchange for my honest review!

Jan 192015
 

LeloMonaWaveThe Lelo Mona Wave takes the Mona and adds motion, meant to do the g-spot stroking for you. For me, sex toys don’t replace a human. They’re a great accompaniment. I love using them by myself and with a partner. But just as a penis or finger or tongue could never vibrate and nearly never achieve the orgasms (for me) that a good vibrator can, a sex toy can never feel like oral sex or the thrusting of a penis or the stroking, much-lauded “come-hither” motion of a finger or two. Yet sex toy companies, Lelo included, keep trying to create sex toys that seem to be aiming for replacement rather than harmony1. They are also creating sex toys that promise way more than they can deliver, in my opinion. 

Right on the box, Lelo proclaims: “The orgasm to end all orgasms2” and “The world’s first g-spot massager that rises and plunges within3 like the natural caress of a lover’s fingers”. That’s really putting the pressure on. 

PROS: Let’s start off on a good note, eh?

  • The entire thing is finally covered in silicone. There’s still a seam between the white and color, of course, but it’s not as bad as before. Plus now the buttons are covered in silicone which also makes things much easier on cleaning.
  • There’s an instant-on instant-off button. Rather than pressing the power-up button to turn on and pressing the power-down to turn off[ 1. Which honestly has led to more dead Lelos for me than any other brand, simply because the lowest vibration setting is SO low you might think it’s off when it’s not], you now simply press the center of the control panel
  • Awesome colors that are not so gender-binary focused. Black! Cobalt Blue! 
  • The Wave can be slowed down or turned off, or the vibrations can be turned off
  • Think outside the box – people whose fingers fatigue easily could consider using it clitorally for extra help

In addition to this instant-on button, Lelo Mona Wave will also remember what setting you were on when you last left off, if that appeals to you. Also, while I’ve never had a problem with ABS plastic as a material, combining it like Lelo has done for so many years can simply result in issues with cleaning, like around the crevices and cracks. I don’t feel that the lack of raised buttons makes life any harder, either. 

Lelo Mona Wave (in blue) handle and buttons vs. Lelo Mona 2. The Mona 2's buttons are clearly individual buttons, whereas the Mona Wave is markings on the silicone skin with only a fingertip-sized dimple in the center Showing the difference in the curve of the body of the Lelo Mona Wave (blue) vs Mona 2 if you turn off the motor that waggles it when it is at its most flexed.  It does give a more dramatic curve at the neck from the Mona 2.

CONS: Well, we had to get here eventually, you just didn’t think it would be so soon……

  • Vibrations are not as rumbly or as strong as Mona
  • Motion transfers – a good, pelvic-floor clench means the handle moves, not the head
  • So many patterns. It’s like IKEA, you can get lost in the patterns and you can’t even turn it off to start fresh at the beginning.
  • That noise, though. 
  • Meh.
  • That price, though.
  • Need firm pressure? Forgetaboutit. 

I was seriously bummed to find that in order to accommodate the Wave feature, they dumbed down the vibrations. They are not as rumbly as the Mona 2 and they are not as powerful. In fact, the Lelo Mona Wave’s vibrations are less than the freaking original Mona which I tested on whatever charge it had left after sitting around from the last time I had to check vibration strengths which was a few weeks ago. I even asked my husband’s opinion, so that I wasn’t unintentionally biased, and he definitely thought the “blue one” was less powerful. Doing the cheek test4, the vibrations of the original Mona seem to be more far-reaching on my face than the Mona Wave. In the video clip below, you can see how the Mona 2 (in red) simply sounds lower-pitched in the glass, and splashes some of the water out. The Mona Wave doesn’t create a splash. Literally. It’s a big let-down for me. Mona 2 was never enough for me for g-spot vibrations, not like the L’amourose Rosa Rouge is, but with a little patience it could get me off clitorally. 

 

A video posted by Lilly (@dangerouslilly) on

So let’s go back to physics class – when you’re holding it firmly by the handle and there’s nothing impeding the movement of the head, sure, the head wiggles. But as soon as there’s resistance introduced, the movement has to go somewhere, so it goes to the handle. This isn’t to say that it’s a dead fish once inserted, but there is less movement. In the video clip below you hear and see how fast the top speed of the wiggle is, and then the slower speed, and finally see how much less it moves when there’s resistance.  Yes, you can run the Mona Wave with just the arm moving and no vibrations, the arm moving slower with wave-pulsing vibrations, vibrations with no arm movement, or arm movement with a big variety of pulsating patterns. The + and – keys only control the vibration intensity. To change everything else you must cycle through with the up and down arrow keys. To get back to the default setting of high arm movements and straight vibrations, just click the hell out of the down arrow until everything seems to be back where you started from.

 

A video posted by Lilly (@dangerouslilly) on

I like a lot of pressure on my g-spot, and it’s why I adore the firmness of the Njoy Pure Wand so much. Aimless, passionless stroking is not going to impress my g-spot, I need pressure. That doesn’t really happen with the Mona Wave for me. In fact, I felt no “zing” of “yeah, that’s the spot!!” like I can even by simply inserting a girthy dildo to provide passive pressure. Yeah, I can feel the movement but it’s not earth-shattering, there’re no fireworks.  I normally (except for the Pure Wand) don’t get a ton of enjoyment out of just g-spot stimulation alone. But g-spot stim will greatly help along a clitoral/blended orgasm – making it happen faster and be much more intense. So when I tried the Mona Wave along with other toys, I didn’t get that speed-up effect nor did it make my orgasm more intense, nor did it draw out the length of the orgasm. 

So, the noise. I’ve had louder vibrators, certainly. The Magic Wand is louder. But as you can hear in the video, that movement is coupled with this odd, robotic sound. I envision those old RC toys with legs that walked, like the puppies or robots. It can be a little….off-putting, to some people. It doesn’t bother me per se but if you need a quiet vibe, this isn’t it. The high-pitched sound of the moving arm can be heard more easily than the low-pitched rumble of the Mona 2, for example. 

Forget g-spots for a minute. Can the Mona Wave work as a clitoral vibrator + massager? Meh. I’m unimpressed frankly, and that’s mostly because it’s a lack of decent vibrations. Under good circumstances the Mona 2 can get me off clitorally but the Mona Wave? Nope. And if movement + pressure is going to work for me, it needs to be directed to that certain spot on the right side of my clitoral hood. The Mona Wave is too wide to do anything pinpoint. But what about prostates? ehhhh. Is the design of the Mona considered borderline anal safe, since it does get thinner in the neck and then flares out in the handle? I guess? I don’t think the Lelo Mona Wave is going to make waves for prostates, either. Again, there’s a lot of resistance and so the movements will be dulled. 

In the end, I’m going to give the Lelo Mona Wave a pass because it is not AWESOME and I don’t even think it’s better than the Mona 2. I’d simply rather do it my own damn self. Much like the Fun Factory Stronic Drei, which moved even less, I’m clearly not the target audience for these tech-fancy moving sex toys. And with a price tag of $169 for the Lelo Mona Wave (and $189 for the Lelo Ina Wave which I suspect would fail even more for me) it’s just not enough AWESOME for the price. If it had the same level of vibrations as the Mona 2 and were priced lower I’d say why not, go for it but it’s $40 more. 

 

A big thank you to SHEVIBE for being amazing and sending me a Lelo Mona Wave to review! 

 

  1. and worse, they often try to claim they’re the first. Didn’t they claim to be ground-breaking with the Ora, when the Je Joue Sasi was the first? And there ARE rotating, g-spot-curved rabbits, but they rotate around. This just literally mimics the motion of you crooking your finger to “come here”
  2. WTF does this even MEAN??
  3. I can’t make this shit up. Rises? Plunges?
  4. Some people do the nose test, but with the more powerful vibrators it just makes me sneeze. So I open my mouth wide and touch vibrators to the hollow of my cheek and gauge how far on my face I can feel vibrations as a way to compare vibrators against each other when the power difference is less noticeable
Jan 082015
 

Crave Vesper NecklaceI’m well aware that big vibrations can come in small packages but I have been looking at the Crave Vesper with quite a bit of skepticism since their crowd-funding campaign. Vesper is thin and long and the catch is that it’s “wearable”; meant to be worn as a necklace so that you can always have your vibrator secretly with you. Oh and it’s powerful, naturally. I’d read a few reviews of other Crave products that had wimpy vibrations so you can understand my hesitation. 

Let’s Talk Power

My favorite vibrator, the We-Vibe Tango, is extremely powerful. The vibrations are rumbly and gorgeous. The low setting is also still pretty damn powerful, and I don’t tend to recommend the Tango for people who can quite easily orgasm clitorally from fingers, because it may be too powerful. To give you some comparisons, I’ve pulled out a number of bullet vibes from my collection. Lelo Mia 2 can actually get me off half of the time, on high, because the vibrations are fairly rumbly. But Mia 2 on high is equal to Tango on low. The Vesper is about equal to the Mia 2 on medium-high like…level 8 of 10? Mia 2 has a lot of power increments, but Mia 2 is a bit more rumbly than the Vesper – just a hair. Vesper is slightly more powerful than the Tantus 1-speed bullet. But of course, the Vesper is much more pinpoint than any of these. And therein lies the magic. And by magic I mean “wtf is happening, I shouldn’t be able to come from this”. Companies keep calling their vibrators "powerful" - You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Yeah. Me, the one with the clit-o-steel who has been unable to orgasm with the Form 4, Revel Body, We-vibe 4, Leaf Spirit, and most rabbit styles. Me who prefers the Tango to the Magic Wand. Well, now I know why. My clitoris, which is a righty btw, responds just fine to some pressure and localized vibrations to the magic spot there on the right side. Many vibrators can’t get to that exact location because they’re too big or the vibrations don’t travel well enough to reach that spot. My clitoris isn’t on Main Street, it’s in a gazebo on the town green surrounded by land with only one sidewalk leading to it and it can’t hear you from the road unless you’re loud . You’ve got to be able to walk right up to it or have the power to yell from the road. The Vesper can walk right up to it. The Tango stepped onto the sidewalk but it has a bullhorn, so it doesn’t need to be up close. The Rosa Rouge is fine from the road. (i think we’re done with this weird metaphor, yeah? too much?)

I’m about as shocked as you are, trust me. 

This isn’t to say, though, that it’s a powerful orgasm. It’s not. Not all orgasms are satisfying. At least the orgasms from the Vesper are not painful. And the orgasms aren’t consistent, like with the Tango. I think one factor is something I discovered before – my clitoris responds well to the right amount of added warmth. It draws in more bloodflow and makes everybody happy. Vesper, as you’ll see from the stupid sticker right on the vibrator, is meant to gently warm-up during use. I think it’s likely less intentional and more natural by-product of such a slender housing combined with the heat-retention of stainless steel. But whatevs. It’s a nice bonus. 

It’s a bullet! No, it’s a nail!

Vesper resembles a sniper bullet. Or a sleek, modern-art version of a nail (pull one over on your Christian family, perhaps?). Or a sleek, modern-art version of Joan’s necklace from Madmen (which is supposed to be a pencil? pen?). You can get away with claiming it to be any of these things, really. Plenty of people are making a knock-off of this necklace that Joan wears on Madmen, and quite a few really resemble the Crave Vesper. But there’s one thing that Joan knew, that Crave doesn’t: A 26″ chain isn’t long enough to make wearing a 3.8″ long slender pendant feasible if you have a rack like I do. Either the pendant rests on top of my shirt and sticks out at odd angles, or it falls between my boobs and gets trapped in the vice grip of my cleavage. God forbid this should happen when my head is bent forward, otherwise it’s like wearing a damn noose and I can’t lift my head up until I free the Vesper from it’s boobie-jail. I could just buy myself a 30″ chain but why should I have to pay this boob tax? I wish Vesper gave the option of a longer chain with purchase. We can’t all be thin with wide-set B-cup boobs that gracefully hover around the Vesper, making it all look effortless and sexy.

Crave Vesper  - showing the power button. If you wear it correctly it lays against you, not facing outward.  Crave Vesper - trying to peel off the stupid notice sticker that assures you the Vesper is meant to warm up during use I'm not a B cup.  showing the Crave Vesper resting atop my cleavage, sticking out at a weird angle. The chain needs to be a lot longer.

So I’m at a loss though on what to do with it.  I wanted to put it on my keychain but the stupid power button prevented that. You would think that having an outtie power button, smart design would say that you either have travel-lock or require the button to be depressed for a second or two before it turns on. That’s not the case at all so it gets turned on easily if I have it on my keyring. Stupid. More stupid is that you do have to press and hold a second to turn it off. When it turns back on, it’s at the setting you left it. Except that the act of pressing to hold actually changes it to the next setting up. So if I was using it on high (duh) when I turn it off and then back it, it’s on the pulse setting, not high. Every damn time I turn on the Vesper I have to cycle through the settings to get back to the one I really wanted to be on: High.

I tried to be trendy (forgetting that I’m actually NOT) and attempted to layer the Vesper with other pendants for a “fun” trendy look. It’s a thing now, right? I don’t know. My husband didn’t like the look of the layering OR the Vesper. My 74 year old co-worker who thinks tattoos and piercings are gross (who is also racist and classist and everything elseist) gave me this “what the hell are you wearing” look and then actually said “what the hell is around your neck?? FLASHLIGHTS???” Yeah, Norma. Flashlights. It’s what the kids are doing these days. *sigh*

Everything Else

It IS easy to clean, but it’s only splashproof. Another annoying feature is that you’re not supposed to let the battery get drained and then not recharge it for awhile. This apparently will permanently kill the battery. I’m not the best with remember to recharge vibrators I don’t use consistently. I don’t see myself constantly keeping the Vesper fully charged, especially since charging requires a specialty cable which I will inevitably lose.  I was able to get about approximately 45 minutes actual use time but this included a lot of turning off and on, before it died on me.  And in case you didn’t see the specs at Shevibe, it’s 3.8″ long, as thin as your average pencil and weighs 20 grams. The chain is said to be stainless steel as well (both nickle-free) but I don’t see the chain lasting unless you’re very gentle on your jewelry. The lobster clasp is dubious.

OH! Weird bonus usage: I’m not sure about you iPhone peeps but the Vesper works as a stylus on my HTC Android phone. 

Bottom line: I don’t hate it. It’s interesting. I don’t think it’s right for most power queens, though. As a necklace, it’s very modern and I don’t feel it would be obvious. If you’re well-endowed like me, you might want to put it on your own, longer necklace chain. I think that the price isn’t too bad for the silver (stainless steel – $69) or the rose gold tipped ($79), but the $149 for the 24K gold plated is a bit too luxurious for the vibration intensity (or lack thereof) it puts out. You would have to be certain it is powerful enough for you and that you like the looks of it as a necklace. This isn’t something I can see wearing all the time or even often, but I might learn to like it more. 

 

Much thanks to my lovely Shevibe for sending me one to review! 

 

Jan 052015
 

The Bubble Love and Dilly sitting on the edge of a bath tubIf you have a clitoris, chances are fairly decent you figured out years ago that your bathtub faucet is pretty awesome (lucky people had the detachable showerhead). The tub faucet never did anything for me, but the jet spray on the showerhead sure did 1. The force of the water was a pretty decent substitution for me for powerful vibrations.  Last year while visiting someone with a bathtub with built-in jets, I was able to maneuver myself in front of a jet well enough to reach orgasm – but it was not comfortable and I think I pulled a groin muscle. I’m too old and fat for these antics. So in a situation where a detachable showerhead isn’t an option, Bubble Love could save you.

One of my first thoughts on the Bubble Love was “Why not just buy a detachable showerhead that has a jet spray option? You’ll save $140”. Well, valid point. A showerhead’s jet spray can’t be adjusted in terms of “intensity” unless you get a super fancy one with more than 3 settings and the jet spray on a shower head doesn’t feel like the faucet you may know and love.  BUT if you fill up your bathtub and the hose on the showerhead is long enough, you could use the jet spray under water much like using the Bubble Love and adjust “intensity” by positioning it farther from your vulva. The Bubble Love can be adjusted too, by either using the dial on top or moving the unit so that it is closer to you or farther away. Bubble Love does say in their marketing that a mere hose-driven showerhead will not be nearly as pleasurable as the Bubble Love but I’d have to disagree a bit.

I’m finding myself really torn on the Bubble Love and a lot of it comes down to price – because when a sex toy costs over $60 many people have trouble justifying it. When it costs $150, most people have trouble justifying it. It has to be awesome, it has to really be worth the price tag. So that’s the big question for me – is Bubble Love good enough to plonk down $149? I would say yes IF you can say yes to most of these:

1. You only have a bathtub with no chance for a shower head. This is self-explanatory. I kinda feel like the showerhead (be it alone or put under the water with you) is just about as good, for a fraction of the cost.

2. You’ve tried some vibrators and just don’t like how they feel compared to being under the running water of your bathtub’s faucet. I’ve had more than one person come to me, asking for a sex toy that feels more like their bathtub faucet and I thought that this could be something special that I could recommend.  And Bubble Love is pretty powerful if you have it close enough to you (but then, so is the jet spray on a shower head). But when vibrators like the Tango, the Rosa, Je Joue Uma, and now even the beloved-by-most-except-for-me Lelo Mona 2 are waterproof and submersible AND cost less (well, except for the Rosa but goddamn is that thing worth the price tag, both versions) AND can be used in or out of the water? You have a lot of bathtime options.

3. You take frequent baths and keep your tub immaculately clean. Of course, being a frequent bath-taker means you’re getting your money’s worth. But also, your bathtub needs to be super clean. No lingering chemicals, no ring around tub. In fact if you’re taking a bath to get clean, I might even go so far as to say that you should leave Bubble Love until you’re taking a bath just to soak and relax. It might seem obvious but Bubble Love is taking the water in your tub and shooting it at your vulva at a fairly high pressure. If the water isn’t clean this could lead to infections or itching. 

4. You don’t have reach issues or disabilities that would make holding it in place difficult (similarly, you are not a plus-sized person with a teeny tub). I had thought that the Bubble Love could be hands-free once positioned properly, great for people with disabilities or reach issue but it’s not. It is certainly advertised as being hands-free. Sure there’s a peg with a suction cup but that suction cup doesn’t work  – by their nature if you pull on the suction cup at an angle you can break the seal. The back end of the Bubble Love is heavy enough that it leans back and despite the suction cup peg being on a ball joint, it still releases the suction. So despite being advertised that way, it was never hands-free for me. Maybe I’m being unrealistic but for the infrequent times I take a bath, I’m trying to relax. The buoyancy of the water makes my joints feel better, the warm water makes me sleepy, etc. I want a lazy masturbation experience, too. I don’t want to hold the damn thing.  Also? I’m a larger person. The average older tub is not big enough for me to have much space between my knees let alone allow me to spread my legs easily and due to the way I’m built, this is kinda necessary for a session with the Bubble Love. In order to even use this for review I had to wait until I was staying somewhere with a larger-than-average tub. Even then, disaster ensued (you can see why in the video, and read more in the Dilly section).

5. You don’t need utter discretion. It’s a little noisy. The sound of the motor running isn’t Magic Wand noisy but people will wonder what you’re doing in there. Bathrooms notoriously amplify sound, anyways. In addition to the sound of the motor itself, there’s the port where the Bubble Love sucks in air (I call it the blowhole because the whole thing looks like the Twitter Fail Whale) with a schlurping loud sound if you get water in that port during use 2. Many of the better vibrators will be quite a bit less noisy.  Noise aside, there’s the unit. It doesn’t look like a sex toy, that’s for sure. But you will need to drain the water from it and leave it out to dry, and then find a place to store it. It’s larger than your average vibrator.  I’m not about to leave it sitting out all the time. I don’t have a space for it.

I wanted to love the Bubble Love.  But out of the 5 points listed above I only have #5 going for me and that’s not enough to justify it for myself. I can recommend and appreciate a great sex toy even if it’s not my cup of tea so it’s not a matter of being too subjective in this case.  The stream of water definitely is powerful, so it has that going for it, which is something. You won’t find a $40 tub attachment with this powerful of a jet stream, but you can with a showerhead. If the Bubble Love were priced a lot lower – closer to $100? – I might be less critical overall.  But since it IS powerful and it is rechargeable, I don’t doubt that it is priced where it needs to be. It is a quality machine and a product that works mostly as advertised (…except for that hands-free bit which I was never able to replicate).  My problem with the Bubble Love isn’t really with the Bubble Love itself, it’s simply the fact that it’s really only going to be compatible for a small margin of people. Since I wasn’t one of those people, it did color my view BUT I am notoriously a very picky sex toy reviewer who finds, notices and cares about certain faults where most others do not. I really don’t want to crap on the company and I definitely don’t feel that this sex toy should be passed up by everyone – but it will take a certain alignment of stars for the Bubble Love to be the match for you.

I also can’t ignore this wording on their site: “Every woman who has used Bubble Love achieved orgasms and did it faster than with the typical vibrator.” Did I achieve orgasm? Yes. Faster than my Tango or Rosa Rouge? No. Would I continually choose the Bubble Love over my favorite vibrators? Absolutely not. Between the assertions that the Bubble Love is hands-free and the promises that it is better than a vibrator and that “all women” loved it, I’m actually feeling like a failure here for having issues with it and NOT loving it.

Dilly, inserted and supported, everything looks fine. Dilly, inserted and somewhat not supported, you can see it flops downward, and it wobbles in the water.

Optional “Dilly” Attachment

Dilly. No. Just, no. First, it’s an extra $40. Second, it is attached like a really loose tooth via ball joint. Remember that? When you had a loose tooth and it was hanging on by a thread, you could waggle it and turn it and still it stayed there? That’s what the Dilly was like for me, except that it came loose far more easily than a tooth. I had the coordination  of a drunk baby trying to insert it into my vagina while holding the Bubble Love’s handle AND the Dilly AND keeping myself from slipping down the tub and etc – it was almost comical and almost a tragic accident. Picture this: I’m in a tub that, when sitting, my feet don’t touch the other end. This means my ass slips down a bit until my toes can touch. So I’ve got one leg partially resting on the tub edge leaving me with one foot to keep myself above water. I’m trying to get the Dilly inserted and it’s not working. Suddenly, the Dilly detaches from the Bubble Love and clunks loudly on the tub bottom. I lose my grasp on the Bubble Love’s handle. Like a deflating balloon, the Bubble Love is now scooting around the tub haphazardly by itself at an alarming rate (just like in the video below). I get sprayed in the face. There’s water everywhere. My foot slips from the tub and I start to slide down into the water all because I’m trying to sit up and reach forward for the manic Bubble Love twirling around and shut it off. At this point I’m pissed and most certainly NOT relaxed and I fling the Dilly across the bathroom.

 

UPDATE: I don’t know how I didn’t see this yesterday. I’d noticed a few black scuff marks on the Bubble Love, and I don’t know how they got there. But today as I was putting it away I notice faint yellow discolorations. I don’t know how it’s happened, but I can only caution you to store it inside a white storage bag and be very careful with it. During the filming of the video below something also happened and I noticed that the two halves of the plastic had separated a bit. I was able to snap them back together, but I still need to caution care when handling and storing. 

2015-01-06 11

Anyways. Since it was that difficult to get the Dilly inserted once, I cannot imagine thrusting with it. If you really want the feeling of fullness, then get yourself a Tantus Ryder Grab Bag for something more hands-free, or just use your favorite dildo. Having the dildo attached to the Bubble Love was not a bonus for me. It was simply more trouble than it was worth. 

I do want to thank Bubble Love for sending me one to check out. If you think this could be the thing you’re looking for, I recommend buying it from SheVibe.

 

  1. For those curious, this is the showerhead I have; one of the settings forces all the water out of a concentrated center which makes it pretty powerful
  2. I’d recommend using the float and hose at all times in order to prevent this
Dec 312014
 

LeloMona2If you at all frequent the world of sex toy review blogs (or even Reddit) you’d probably think that the Lelo Mona 2 is one of the three Holy Grail sex toys (the other two being the We-Vibe Tango and the Njoy Pure Wand). So you may be able to understand why I feel like the black sheep (oh wait, I am!) for not loving the Lelo Mona 2. I ask that you hear me out before you light the torches and brandish the pitchforks. I like it well enough; it’s okay. But I don’t long for it. In fact, I don’t ever use it….unless I’m writing a review.

“How can you not love the Mona 2?!?”

Since my body requires a ton of vibration strength for it to matter to my g-spot, the vibrations of the Mona 2 don’t quite cut it for me as an internal vibe. It’s good, don’t get me wrong, and it’s fairly strong, but I need something more…. more than most people. I need the serious rumbles, like those found in the L’amourose Rosa Rouge.  The vibrations of the Lelo Mona 2 are good enough to help stimulate my internal clitoris but not enough to really wake up my g-spot. It’s pretty good as an external vibe if you don’t like pinpoint vibrations, and want something with a handle, but it’s still not going to be my top recommendation. I actually can’t think of a situation where I’ve chosen the Mona over the We-Vibe Tango for external stimulation – I guess I prefer something more pinpoint (like the Tango). I find that using a vibe like the Lelo Mona 2 as an external stimulator during partnered PIV sex is a little less awkward because it gets my hand out of the way a bit, versus using the Tango, but the effort required for me to come using the Mona 2’s more broad stimulation isn’t worth the saved hassle.  Plus, after trying vibes like the Je Joue Uma, the half-plastic half-silicone design of the Mona 2 combined with the buttons makes clean-up a bit more of a hassle than I feel up for most times. Yes, I’m lazy. The Uma is totally encased in a silicone skin, and the buttons on the end are just a bit easier for me to access. 

Better than, Worse than

If we’re comparing Lelo to Lelo, I’d definitely pick the Mona 2 over the Gigi 2 any day.  Lelo Mona 2 provides the fullness I need with a longer overall design that I also really need. The vibrations of the Mona 2 are definitely stronger and better than the Gigi 2. While I do love everything about the L’amourose Rosa Rouge much more than the Lelo Mona 2, for those who need a lot of firm pressure on their g-spot, I’d recommend the Mona 2 (or Uma) over the Rosa Rouge. But if you want something easier to hold and with more powerful vibrations, I’d recommend the Rosa (or heated version, Rouge) any day. There is an increased cost there, of course. Je Joue’s Uma is about $20 less than Mona 2 and I feel the vibrations are just a bit more rumbly. 

Like most higher-end sex toys, Mona 2 is rechargeable, waterproof, has varied levels of vibration intensity and has a few pulsating settings. I’m never a fan of patterns, so I stick with the straight vibrations. There’s a warranty but experiences from fellow readers have shown that there’s a few issues with the Lelo customer claims department.  Unlike most newer rechargeable sex toys, though, the Lelo Mona 2 isn’t USB-rechargeable. This means you’ll have to purchase from a store in the country you live in, to ensure your charger is the right voltage and prongs and whatnot for you.  The silicone is a silky-smooth skin overtop a hard plastic vibrator, so there’s no give and no squish. If you need something softer and thinner, try the Tenga Iroha Minamo.

Want it?

As with all Lelo creations, Mona 2 is a bit pricey. As of this writing, SheVibe.com sells it for $129.99. Every now and then you’ll be able to catch a Lelo sale or just an overall site sale to save a bit. So far, I’ve received fewer complaints about the Mona 2 failing than other Lelo items, but I’m skeptical overall on their brand. Of course, now that I’ve taken so long to write this review the Mona Wave is out. So now the big question will be  Mona 2 or Mona Wave? Stay tuned….a review on the Wave is coming shortly. 

 

All purchase links here go to Shevibe, the best retailer on earth. If, however, you’re in the UK you can grab it from LovehoneyUK.  And Canadians, check out Come As You Are