Oct 052015
 

Ooh by Je Joue Line Fall 2015Lately I’ve been having a real thing for truly affordable, decent sex toys so I was perhaps a little too excited for the Ooh by Je Joue line to come out. As soon as I heard about it I ran right to Shevibe and asked them if they planned on carrying it, can I review it if they do, etc. I’ve loved every Je Joue vibrator I’ve had my hands on so I had really high hopes for this hot-swap-style sex toy geekery. It’s not quite the first time this concept has been done, but this is unique in that we know the line is going to expand greatly – I already know there will be a smaller motor, a smaller cock ring, a butt plug, a flexible dual-stim, a smaller Pebble, a Rabbit and a g-spotter. The “mix and match” or “modular” concept is great – spend a little now, and a little along the way, and soon you’ll have a small collection of items for less than you’d pay for them singularly.  The Large Motor I have is listed as compatible with pieces 1,2,3,4,5 and 9 – and we only have access to 1, 2, and 3 right now. More will be revealed in January 2016, with a few more coming in Spring 2016**  pictures of the full line viewable at the very end of this review.

I love the idea, as you can tell. Ooh by Je Joue be great if the execution didn’t fail. Trust, I’m super sad that I can’t recommend the entire line as it is right now. I wanted to love this. But I also kind of expected it to be even lower-priced than it is. I wanted the Large Motor to be closer to $30 than $50. I basically hoped for every component to go no higher than $40, with most at $301. Am I delusional? Apparently. But that’s a story for another day.

You can start off with just the Large Motor and the Pebble, or buy “kits” although these don’t save you a whole lot, just a few bucks. What Happens in Vegas is the cock ring and classic insertable; Her Name is Rio is the classic insertable plus Pebble; and London Love-in is the Pebble and cock ring. Happily they offer cool colors like mint green and bright yellow in addition to the standard pink and blue. The packaging is super cute, made to look like little coffee bags or chocolate bags. Which you would think makes the packaging easy to open, but it’s not – scissors are required and it makes me sad. I expected the bags to be as easy to open as a bag of Lindor Truffles. The shapes are pretty easy to put together and disassemble. It doesn’t require much strength to press on the necessary part of the shape to eject the motor. The silicone is satiny-smooth, much like that of the regular Je Joue items – it’s just barely noticeable that it’s a little less silky.

One point of quality that does concern me slightly is that the silicone skin seems haphazardly glued to the plastic base on the shapes. The glue is sometimes so sparsely placed and so wimpy that if you’re not super careful when washing a shape if it’s not clicked in to the motor you probably would get water trapped down in between the plastic housing and the shape. The silicone on my Cock Ring easily separated from the plastic housing, while the Pebble seemed to be glued very well and I couldn’t even separate them. The Classic had even less glue than the Cock Ring. I pulled the silicone skin down off the plastic housing on the Cock Ring so that I could show you the metal clips responsible for keeping the motor clicked in – but it also shows me that the plastic housing the motor slides snugly in to is also responsible for vibration dampening.

Ooh by Je Joue Large Motor

I can’t wait to see the small, because the Large Motor is pretty small overall. The vibrations of the motor alone, no attachment, are shockingly deep and powerful on high. There are two mediocre patterns. But the odd thing about these vibrations…they’re not smooth. The steady vibrations almost feel like a pattern. It sounds like a helicopter on the lower settings. You can feel a rapid pulsing; not enough to deter from orgasm, but it’s discernible and I’m undecided on love vs hate. This is actually the same experience as the other Je Joue motors in the Mimi and Uma but since I never use those on the two lowest settings, I never really noticed it. The Je Joue Mimi has 5 intensity settings while the Ooh Large Motor has 3. The Large Motor by itself on high is equal exactly to the Je Joue Mimi on level 4. But when paired with the Pebble or Cock Ring, high is a little less powerful now than the Mimi on level 3. I don’t actually know if you’re allowed to use the motor naked – by itself the motor is really intense. I don’t think they intended for it, but what’s the worst that could happen? The recharge port has a silicone flap over it and seems like it could be water-resistant at the least. I’m grasping at straws here, aren’t I…

Ooh Vibrating Pebble

Ooh by Je Joue Pebble vs Je Joue MimiThis is the stand-out piece; take that as you will. It ends up being a similar shape to the Je Joue Mimi with less punch. The tip is rigid-flexible, meaning I can make it move with my fingers if I try but it won’t make a bit of difference to my vulva. This is the shape the motor was truly meant to work with best. However due to the overall cost being $75, and the more powerful Je Joue Mimi being $90, I feel that you must be absolutely certain you can put the Large Motor to good use for at least one other attachment. You’ll have to decide if the Cock Ring is right for you (and then purchase the London Love-in set to save a couple dollars) because if not, I don’t think you should purchase anything from the Ooh line yet. The Pebble shape is pretty versatile and can be great for all genitals for external play. Pebble comes in hot pink or sunny yellow.

 

Ooh Cock Ring

Ooh by Je Joue Cock Ring vs Lelo Tor 2I handed the ring to my husband and he immediately proclaimed it would be too tight to comfortably be on his cock. He said he’d be able to get it on if he put it on while flaccid but then once he was fully hard he wouldn’t be able to get it off – not a good situation to be in.  I figured as much, so it didn’t even get tried out in the field. The silicone is stretchy-ish but not the most stretchy I’ve come across in silicone cock rings. It feels tighter on my fingers than even the original Lelo Tor. Also the shape ends up being comically large – probably a full inch longer than the Lelo Tor. It sticks out a little over 2 inches. I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a large, protruding cock ring. The Ohh Je Joue Cock ring feels like the  Duplo of the rechargeable cock ring world. However for someone with minimal labia and an exposed clitoris I can imagine this shape would feel great for grinding against. I tried putting the ring around 3 of my fingers at the second knuckle and it cut off my circulation. There’s always the chance it might be awesome to attach to your smaller dildos for harness play. If the receiver is in to grinding on the dildo, they’ll appreciate the vibrations.  Similar to the Pebble in design, the vibrations transfer as well as they’re able to in this system. The cock ring is available in a dark cobalt blue (which they call “electric”) and a pale mint green.

Ooh Classic Vibrator

This one is such a let-down. The center is solid and the vibrations do not transmit well at all. There is barely a whisper of vibration past the handle/motor. In fact it’s so infuriatingly bad that I have to wonder “did they test this?”. There’s a review on Babeland already for the Classic Vibrator which talks about how powerful it is and I’m all “are we using the same vibrator?”. I cannot recommend this. The We-Vibe Glow does *such* a better job of transmitting the vibrations from the Tango down the shaft and into the tip. If the Ooh Classic Vibrator were a standalone product I would be ripping it to shreds for even daring to exist. It’s that bad.  The fact that the two components cost $90 is a major insult. It’s not even worth $30 for the whole thing. It’s all down to the design of the attachment and motor. Sadly, this tells me that the “coming soon” items like the g-spotter and dual-stim will also probably suck. 

Ooh by Je Joue Classic Shape GutsTaking the Classic shape apart like I did the Cock Ring shows me exactly why it’s so terrible – the motor slides into the plastic housing and the other side of the plastic housing is glued to a hard plastic rod that goes down the center of the Classic. So only the vibrations that touch the spring and screw inside of the plastic housing could possibly be transmitted. It’s a shit design. Taking the rod out of the silicone shows that it barely is vibrating at all unencumbered that way, and then they go and encase that in a half-inch thick shell of silicone and expect vibrations to somehow make it out the other side? The people under the dome had a better chance of escaping than these poor, strangled vibrations2. I’m not an engineer and even I uneducated lil old me can see that this won’t work. Yet they did it anyway and you’re going to waste your money and they’re okay with that. Honestly the more I think about the design of the insertable Classic, and the design that is clearly going to be the same in future shapes unless they do a total overhaul, the more pissed off I am.

One could say that I’m idealistic and what can one expect from something affordable but I don’t think that’s the problem. I think that, like many companies, they didn’t beta test these with knowledgeable users. Or at all. There is definitely a way, some how, to create this modular system in a way that takes better advantage of the lovely motor. I think the answer though is to shape the vibrating motor more like the Tango – the long and thin lends itself to transferring vibrations farther than a short and wide motor. But then you have a system that’s quite similar to what’s already on the market and there’s no point to that. But the way this system is built right now I can assure you that none of the insertable pieces will have very much vibration at all.

I wanted to love the Ooh by Je Joue line, I wanted to recommend this, but I’m only able to truly recommend the Ooh Pebble. I’m cautioning against getting too carried away with dreams of building a set until we see the rest of the collection. I think that the motor needs an overhaul, the silicone needs to be stretchier for the cock ring and the insertables need a total re-design to get vibrations to actually travel versus held up in the handle like a bad traffic jam.

 

Big thanks to Shevibe for getting this to me pronto and indulging my odd excitement. I was provided this set in exchange for my honest review.

** The insert in with the toys shows the shapes of the upcoming designs and I’m skeptical of everything else needing the Large Motor.
OohJeJoueFullLine1 OohJeJoueFullLine2

  1. The two smaller shapes are $25 which is a great price point, but the shameful Classic is $40
  2. I haven’t watched the most recent season because the show was so awful, so I’m left at “maybe they escaped? maybe they were eaten by the void?”
 Posted by at 9:48 am
Sep 172015
 

Patchy Paul G5I finally have a Fun Factory vibrator that I can recommend. I’ve been underwhelmed, overstuffed, had pubic hairs ripped out, put to sleep, and bored. I tried out the G4 version of the Patchy Paul and Big Boss and was let down – I’d read about big vibrations with deep rumbles and I expected delivery. We know how much I love big rumbles and lots of power. And they were rumbly, but the large amount of silicone meant that the vibrations had a lot of fighting to do to stay strong and avoid dampening. I was so underwhelmed by my G4 vibrators that I never even reviewed them. So when the Patchy Paul G5 was offered for review I jumped on it, hoping for something to back me up on my overall feelings about the company. 

You see, I’ve always liked Fun Factory, in theory. Their vibes have never worked for me but this pissed me off a lot less than when Lelo vibes didn’t work for me. Fun Factory has always had cool designs, albeit with some high prices (remember the Sinnflut line?). They’ve always been different enough, unique, “fun”, but without boasting lame/non-existent “revolutionary tech” or trying to claim absolutes. With the G5 vibrators you can experience flex and give, unlike the silicone-skin-over-hard plastic like Je Joue, Lelo, and many more. 

Fun Factory also usually has a very draggy silicone – matte finish with a texture that means even I need lube. Fun Factory silicone is a bit of a lube hog, so be sure to stock up – water-based, hybrid or coconut oil is fine. But unlike a lot of companies, Fun Factory doesn’t focus on the gendered colors. Patchy Paul G5 is available in Neon Orange and Green, as well as light Pink. 

Another upgrade to the Patchy Paul G5, and the whole G5 line, is that the controls are just a lot better vs the G4 line and even many other vibrators on the market. They kind of idiot-proofed it. If you try to just hit the + to turn it on, the red Fun button blinks to remind you to start there. This isn’t brand new for Fun Factory; the Stronic Drei and Amorino had it as well.  These are vibes for people who hate to read a manual just to work their vibrator. Unlike the G4 line, now there are two obvious little metal nubs that show where the Click n Charge magnetic charger will go (and the magnets are quite strong). You can’t screw up using this vibrator. You can hand this to anybody, even a total vibe newbie, and they’ll immediately understand how everything works. When you hit the Fun button it starts out in the middle of its vibratory range – there are two lower settings and 3 higher settings. Once you hit the + enough to get into Pattern Land you can cycle through the 6 basic patterns by continually hitting the + button. To leave Pattern Land you have to hit the minus button. Again it’s not super complicated and didn’t ever leave me feeling like I had to turn the vibrator off and back on again just to get myself back to straight vibrations.

FunFactoryG4vsG5

So how does it feel?  The vibration power level is a significant improvement over the G4 line and a huge improvement over less expensive Fun Factory vibrators. The motor seems to be about in the middle so in the G4 line the tip felt bland. In fact the difference in vibration oomph is enough to make me even more disappointed now with the old G4 line. You have no idea how badly this upgrade was needed, for such a pricey vibe. With the Patchy Paul G5 on high you do feel vibrations in your hand, but it’s not overwhelming. When inserted it does suffer from vibration dampening, a good bit more than the Rosa Rouge, but it’s still powerful enough to stimulate the clitoral legs for me. Because the motor is in the middle I am feeling most of the vibration right at the vaginal entrance, since I can’t insert the entire length.  I was able to use the Patchy Paul G5 both as an external vibrator and an internal vibrator – it wasn’t as great as using the L’amourose Rosa this way, though. The vibration dampening I experienced with the first inch or two just from my labia-o-steel was enough that in certain positions I didn’t feel enough oomph to get me to come.  The design is awesome for those who want to work up to using more length and width internally  – the nose is a flexible just-shy-of-1.5″ curved tip which narrows back to 1″ wide and then slowly gets fatter up to about 1.6″ but that’s not until you get close to 5″ insertable. I feel like the max insertable length is more like 6 or 6.5 inches versus what FF claims and I don’t see it getting up to the 1.75″ max width they list, either. 

There’s a good amount of flex for the top 3 inches so if you need solid vibrators that can apply firm pressure to your g-spot, this might not be your thing but if your g-spot, a-spot and/or clitoral legs respond to deep, penetrating, powerful vibrations? Patchy Paul G5 is your jam. It’s an easy-to-use, powerful vibrator that is pretty versatile, too.  Would I recommend it over the L’amourose Rosa, though? Honestly no. However the Rosa is $40 more (while the warming Rosa Rouge is full $100 more than Patchy Paul G5) and I understand that when the price climbs closer to 200 it’s hard to justify. The Patchy Paul G5 doesn’t have reliable all-over vibrations like harder vibrators (such as the Lelo Mona 2 or Je Joue Uma) but it is definitely more powerful than the Mona 2 or Uma and definitely more rumbly. I feel that if you don’t have the fleshy outer labia like I do which can provide a decent amount of vibration dampening (by surrounding the vibe tip with flesh) then you could easily use the Patchy Paul G5 externally and experience deep, powerful vibrations that slightly eclipse even the Rosa. While I would recommend this vibe I still found myself abandoning it during testing for the L’amourose Denia (because my Rosa Rouge was dead).

Patchy Paul G5 isn’t a quiet vibrator. In quiet room you’d be able to hear it from under the covers and probably on the other side of a closed door. It is more noisy than Lelo, L’amourose, Je Joue and even Jopen vibes.  If you need stealth sex toy time you’re going to want to turn on music or buy a white noise machine. I feel like Patchy Paul G5 really could claim the title of “the Barry White of vibrators” – yet they don’t, because Fun Factory isn’t a pretentious asshole company.

 

My thanks to Shevibe for sending me the Fun Factory Patchy Paul G5 in exchange for my honest review.

Aug 052015
 

Pulse2soloWell, this is going to be a hard review to write. I hate phoning it in, but the bulk of the review has already been written before – the Hot Octopuss PULSE II SOLO, whose counterpart is the PULSE II DUO, was originally just one toy: the Hot Octopuss Pulse. It was meant for solo OR couple’s play and while it had some flaws and areas of improvement, it was an item my husband really enjoyed. And how you use it, how it works, has remained the same. They’ve changed the buttons and added in pulsating patterns but the gist remains the same – apply to penis, vibrate, ejaculate.

Most people out there don’t treat sex toys like the latest iPhone; they don’t purchase the upgraded version when their older version functions just fine or even just “good enough”. For those who DO purchase upgraded versions, you’re in luck: just about everything you wished they would change, they did. There’s now a dedicated on-off button on one side, and intensity controls on the other side. You now have the added option of pulsating patterns. And finally, the blessed thing is more quiet. Not “whisper quiet”, but it’s a big change. In order to make it more quiet, though, they did have to shave some intensity. My husband enjoyed the intensity of it, the deep rumbles of the vibrations, but he doesn’t feel they tamped it down too far. It’s still intense on the upper levels.  But wait, there’s more: The Hot Octopuss PULSE II is now waterproof. Before it wasn’t even splash-proof. 

Hot Octopuss decided to make two versions this time around. With the new PULSE II DUO you have the *option* of turning off the exterior vibrations, and you have a remote to help control things (which is a necessary upgrade for using it this way). With this distinction in models, it allows for one version to cost less (there’s a $40 price difference), so that’s nice. Those who only ever plan to use it solo aren’t penalized with the higher price tag for the dual motors and remote.  Reports have come in that the external motor on the PULSE II DUO is stronger than the one on the original Pulse, but is not rumbly like the interior motor and can actually overpower the interior motor for the penis because the higher-pitched motor wins out, in a bad way. I never found the design comfortable to use as a couple’s toy especially because it gives very broad stimulation and I need pinpoint.

The silicone wings still accommodate a large range of cock girths. With a lot of lube, you can use it in motion but as with the original Pulse, my husband felt that it’s best keeping it in about the same spot – that sensitive point on or near the frenulum. I think that for some people, this sweet spot location will vary slightly. The vibrating pad that gives off the most sensation is about the size of a quarter. How do you know if you’re going to like this sort of sex toy? I’d suggest first trying out a regular vibrator, one that’s very powerful. Good test subjects would be the Vibratex Mystic Wand, the We-Vibe Tango or Touch or any very powerful and rumbly vibrator that you or your partner already have on hand – if you don’t have an immediate “WOW” reaction to the level of vibration, then it’s not really strong enough to give you a good idea of how the Hot Octopuss Pulse II Solo will feel. Some people respond well to concentrated vibrations, and some don’t. Before you drop $99 – $139, you should be certain this is something you’ll enjoy.

Since I wrote my original review, I’ve heard from a number of people with erectile dysfunction who rave about this and its ability to provide pleasure and orgasm even if they can’t get a stiff erection (which would be necessary to use penetrative masturbators). I’ve even heard from a few disabled people who find the Hot Octopuss Pulse much easier to manipulate and use versus penetrative masturbators. We still feel that it’s not totally hands-free because applying a little pressure to keep the vibrator on-point is necessary but it requires less effort than many sex toys for penises. In my original review my husband loved it but felt it would be better with some upgrades – and all of those have happened. So if you were waiting around on them to make a better, updated version then you’re in luck. We don’t have anything bad to say about this sex toy!

The Hot Octopuss PULSE II SOLO comes highly recommended from us both, and can be had for $99 from the lovely Shevibe, who graciously sent me one ages ago in exchange for my honest review.

 

 Posted by at 11:10 am
May 312015
 

Rechargeable Hitachi Magic WandDespite what I may say in this review, I am excited about the Rechargeable Magic Wand! But first, a little back-story. I’d used vibrators for a couple of years before I started reviewing. Even the few that worked for me took awhile; longer than I sometimes had patience for. So a whopping 1 month into being an official Sex Toy Reviewer I got my hands on the Hitachi Magic Wand. And, having only tried cheap shit and a few I-feel-like-I-should-adore-this-but-it’s-too-mild Lelos, I was suitably impressed by the old Magic Wand and instructed all to go forth and buy one. Nature of the job though, I kept trying new vibrators. Finally, eventually, I found the We-Vibe Tango. And I realized something: the vibrator best suited for me shouldn’t take 15 minutes if I don’t want it to. Many times the Magic Wand took 15, 20, 25 minutes for two reasons: It’s very broad and I need pinpoint, and it’s kinda buzzy rather than rumbly – on high it feels very itchy to me. Plus, I didn’t like the fact that after longer sessions, I couldn’t feel the pee coming out if I used the bathroom shortly after. My entire vulva was numb.  But heeeyyyy I could sometimes orgasm in a few minutes and it beat the socks off the other vibes I had, so I loved it for awhile.

No lie…..It’s been probably4 years since I used the Magic Wand for anything other than a comparison of vibration strength. It sits in my drawer gathering dust on its menstrual-blood-stained PVC head. Instead, the vibrator I recommend is the We-Vibe Tango, unless someone has anorgasmia or prefers broad stimulation – even then I’ll usually recommend the Doxy for its lower-intensity settings and longer cord. I’ve consistently been one of the very few sex toy reviewers who tries to NOT recommend the Magic Wand and doesn’t think it’s heaven on earth.

Upgrade!

I used to love the fact that the original Magic Wand plugs in – no batteries, no power loss, no wait. But the cord is short and eventually I’ve grown to hate cords. They get in the way, they tether you to the nearest electrical outlet. So the fact that the Rechargeable Magic Wand is, well, rechargeable is a big plus in my book. Not only is it rechargeable but a charge lasts forever1 and you can still use it while it’s plugged in and being recharged – very handy for folks like me who have a bad habit of turning on 8 vibrators to find them all dead.

Another upgrade is that the head is finally SILICONE. Before I knew that the head was a porous material I used it one night when I didn’t realize I was still spotting. I laid it down beside my bed, and went to sleep. The head never again was visually clean. The new head is also now a little more plush than before; in fact it reminds me of the way the Doxy head feels.

Yet another feature I didn’t love about the first Magic Wand was the rocker-switch and how it went low-Off-high. You could flip past “Off” in a split second but sometimes it messed you up. Now, there is a power button plus an intensity button that cycles through 4 levels PLUS a patterns button if you like that sort of thing.

Oh and the overheating. The Original Hitachi Magic Wand got surprisingly hot – all over. I’d heard tales of people who used it for long periods of time, burning through the motor every year or two. The Rechargeable Magic Wand doesn’t overheat, not even after hours of operation. Of course despite fixing this issue, they don’t believe it so they set a fail switch in  – it’ll shut off at 20 minutes of continuous use. You can turn it right back on, though they tell you not to. It’s annoying for the people who can, not only tolerate it for 25 minutes, but need it for 25 minutes. Or more. This shutting off crap is probably the only Con of the new-and-improved Magic Wand.

Rechargeable vs Original Magic Wand

Is It Noisy??

Anything on high, against soft fleshy skin, is gonna get noisy just by nature but the motor is considerably more quiet in the new Rechargeable Magic Wand. Gone is the high-frequency whine that reminded some of a not-so-distant leaf blower, or kitchen appliance. I feel like you’ll be able to use this in most situations without any fear of being heard.

Is It Powerful??

Original Hitachi Magic Wand: Low = 5000 RPM; High = 6000 RPM
Rechargeable Magic Wand: 1 = 2700 RPM; 2 = 3800 RPM; 3 = 5400 RPM; 4 = 6300 RPM

Here’s where things get confusing. If you go by the numbers you would think that Speed 4 on the Rechargeable Magic Wand is more powerful than the Original Hitachi. You would think that Speeds  1 and 2 are less powerful. But when I used it the first two times without knowing the numbers I’d assumed that Speed 2 on the Rechargeable was equal to Low on the Original, and Speed 4 on the Rechargeable was equal to High on the Original. I did a lot of comparison feeling before I ever knew the numbers. But really…..RPMs are fairly useless in my opinion for determining vibration intensity. Did you know that the We-Vibe (at least the 4 regular and 3) on high is 5500 RPM? If we’re gonna use RPM as a measure of intensity then the We-Vibe should be as powerful as the Magic Wand Original on low. But anybody who has felt both knows this simply isn’t true. My favorite vibrator, the We-Vibe Tango, has RPMs that only go up to 4800 on high. And while High on the Tango is pretty damn powerful, it feels so much better because of the lower RPMs.

So my whole point is this: I know what the numbers say but my perception says that the top speeds on both feel the same (and they both feel the same as the Doxy, to me). My perception is that there is only 1 less intense speed, and that is Speed 1. This is still not going to be a vibrator that sensitive people can tolerate without clothing/towel barriers and if that is what you need then I don’t see the point. Buy something less powerful.

Are All the Old Attachments Still Compatible?

Yep. The head is the same. I feel that the attachments work better now because the motor is clearly lower-pitched and a bit more rumbly. One thing I noted, that increased my love for the Smart Wand Large, was that the rumbly nature of the Smart Wand Large was way more compatible with attachments (especially insertables) because the vibrations traveled through the silicone much better. The difference was honestly astounding. I don’t think the Rechargeable Magic Wand beats the Smart Wand Large in terms of making awesome insertable attachments feel more awesome, but it’s an improvement over the original.

Enough stalling, Lilly….What’s the Verdict?

I’ve stalled long enough; I have to say it: I don’t love the Rechargeable Magic Wand. I like it better now, in theory, but I personally still dislike it. It still takes me longer to get off with versus the Tango and for the same reasons – broad head where I need more pinpoint and my vulva went itchy at the 2nd intensity level. I literally had to turn it off over and over to reach down and scratch like I’m Al Bundy. Sexy, eh? But I kept going, determined to orgasm and it was……….meh. It was a fizzle. It was bland, even though I’d turned it up to level 2 just to finish off. It felt like a waste of my time, when these days I can come on level 1 of the Tango on good days. Level 1.  I used to require level 3 or 4 all the time, every time. So….yeah. I’m gonna be that person who still doesn’t love it. Who still insists that it’s itchy. Who says “it’s not about the RPMs it’s about the motor”. I still prefer the Lelo Smart Wand Large because the vibrations are less itchy. I still prefer the Mystic Wand, even!

But this isn’t a bad vibrator for the right person. If I were a person who loved and needed broad stimulation, I would be raving about this thing. If I weren’t so sensitive to itchy-vulva-syndrome then I could overlook the broad head and still be overjoyed by it. I think that nearly everything they upgraded & changed is amazing and all very much-needed upgrades. I still don’t think that the Magic Wand, even the rechargeable, should ever be someone’s first vibrator. But if you’ve tried the Tango and the Mystic Wand and felt that it wasn’t enough….then try the Rechargeable Magic Wand. Sure it’s pricey, and it’s even a shocking double on the cost over the Original. But it is a high-quality vibrator, of this I have no doubt. I would recommend it over anything Bodywand in a heartbeat.

Would I still pick the Doxy? I do pick Doxy over Original because the Doxy’s cord is longer, it’s quieter, and there are many lower level settings that don’t make your vulva numb. But now, suddenly, the Doxy has the inferior head material and the cumbersome cord (unless you want to drop even more cash on the fancy metal version of the Doxy – silicone head but still a cord). So it’s a tough call. If you need to ramp up gradually? Go Doxy. If you want the cordless feature? Pick the Rechargeable Magic Wand. They’re about the same price at Shevibe, so it’s a toss-up in my book. Decide which features matter more to you and choose wisely. Then, decorate the handle with washi tape. Because why the hell not.

 

This review brought to you by the lovely folks at Shevibe who provided me with the Rechargeable Magic Wand in exchange for my no-bullshit all-truth review. How cool are they??

  1. I got about 4 hours out of it
 Posted by at 12:25 pm
May 272015
 

Jopen Envy Fifteen Vibrator ReviewI’m reviewing the Jopen Envy Fifteen because I’m on the hunt for a decent remote-controlled vibrator; it’s what people ask for the most, it seems! The thrill of wearing a vibrator in public is a gateway kink for many people; it’s one I can get behind! But sadly when it comes to remote control sex toys the market is lacking. A really great RC vibe needs to nail down these three things:

 *  A remote that allows the remote holder to know what’s going on – what setting the vibrator is one, basically.

 *  A remote connection that stays through clothing, flesh and ideally from across the room. Bonus points if it works through a wall.

 *  A comfortable vibrator shape with decently rumbly, decently powerful vibrations.

Con – Weird Shape

Every Jopen vibe I’ve tried has been very powerful and pretty rumbly so I had high hopes for “rule 3” to be met with the Jopen Envy Fifteen – and we almost had it. Look at the shape of the design. Where would YOU expect the vibrations to be centered? If you’re like me, you expected the vibrations to be in that portion that sticks out a bit – it would be a great design for those (like me) with full labia and a “buried” clitoris. But strangely the vibrations are focused at the other end. So this leaves the protruding part to sit at your vaginal entrance, I guess. The design sucks for me because of my full labia, chubby mons and buried clit. It’s vibrating my labia, right now. 

Jopen Envy FifteenPro and Con – Powerful!

Yes, the vibrations of the Jopen Envy Fifteen are powerful (no, not Tango-powerful, not quite). I didn’t think I could ever say this, but they’re ….. TOO powerful. The first setting is barely anything. I can feel that something is happening with the vibrator, but that’s it. The second setting is still very mild to me; kinda rumbly, but mild – although very sensitive folks will find it to be a great setting. The third setting jumps up to a level that could make moderately sensitive people orgasm. Already the third level is more powerful than some of the more mild vibrators I’ve owned. The fourth setting isn’t noisy, but it can be heard if you’re sitting on a chair and the room is quiet. It’s moderately rumbly and decently powerful. The fifth setting is rumbly in hand but between my labia and under pressure, it’s only moderately rumbly with a hint of buzzy. The fifth setting is pretty powerful. All of the settings can suffer from vibration dampening when surrounded by flesh, but it’s not too bad. I actually was able to orgasm on the fourth setting by wearing it in a way that wouldn’t be discreet in public (half of it sticking out of my labia like a mini cock, the red light blaring away) and putting a lot of pressure on my clitoris.

So it’s probably too powerful for those who are moderately-to-very sensitive IF you don’t want to actually orgasm in public. If you do, you might not last long. For those who are more orgasm-resistant, this might be the panty vibe that gets you off if that’s your aim.

Con – Controls Aren’t Intuitive

I first thought my Jopen Envy Fifteen was broken. You turn it on by pressing and holding the button on the vibrator for 4 or 5 seconds. Nothing will happen, except that the red light will be brightly shining. You then press the middle button on the remote, but a slow, deliberate button push, not a quick click. You’ll want to hold the remote in your hand by the fat end! Be warned – when you turn it on, it starts off at the THIRD setting. Here’s where it gets odd – to decrease the power level, you first have to click the top button (“up”) and THEN click the bottom button (“down”) to get to the first setting. Clicking just the top button will take you to the second setting if that’s all the lower you want to go to start off.

You can then click on the center button for 6 different patterns. You can also use the increase/decrease while in a pattern to change the vibration intensity. The red light on the vibe will blink along with the pattern, also.

Con – It’s a Bitch to Turn Off

Here’s where it gets annoying – the only two ways to turn it off are: 1. Press and hold the button on the vibrator for 3 or 4 seconds 2: Click the middle button on the remote 7 times (if you’re not in patterns) to cycle through all of the patterns to get it to stop vibrating. The red light on the vibrator will remain lit until it’s turned off at the vibrator.

The red light on the remote does sort of let the remote-holder know what’s going on. If the remote’s red light doesn’t light up, it means you’re going in the wrong direction with the buttons or you clicked it too quickly.

Con – Bright Red Light!

The vibrator of the Jopen Envy Fifteen has a very bright, red LED light under the silicone skin. Yes, it can be see through panties. It can be seen through most pants. The button is going to be roughly in the area of the vagina so it’s probably not visible to others if you wear it correctly and you’re standing up but I’m betting there would be situations where the red light would be visible. In a dark place, even more visible.

Pro – Remote and Vibrator are rechargeable

They include a Y-shaped recharging cable that plugs into both the remote and the vibrator, and then the other end is USB. Too many remotes take weird batteries, so this aspect is nice.

Pro – It Might Work Really Well Under a Harness

I can see the design of the Jopen Envy Fifteen working for many people when they’re wearing a strap-on harness. Not me, again, but if your labia is not chubby, if you don’t have a buried clit, this could work well for you to use while wearing a harness.  I can totally see someone buying this for the sole use of wearing it while they’re strapping on. Between the remote and the design, it would be easy to use and pretty comfortable.  Yes despite the fact that the design doesn’t work with my labia, it is overall comfortable.

Pro and Con – The Remote & Connection

Except for the fact that the light on the remote will not light up if you cannot go any higher/lower in vibration intensity, the remote holder doesn’t really know what the wearer is experiencing. If you get distracted you’ll forget where you left them.

The connection stayed put through my clothes, so that’s good. The remote is advertised to work up to 16.5 feet away which is……meh. It’s alright. It’s not going to work through walls and it’s not going to work from across a long room, but it’s decent. The remote is small and easy to hold, though. There’s that.

Final Thoughts

Overall, unless you’re using this during strap-on play OR you have minimal labia/mons and a prominent clit, I don’t think I can recommend the Envy Fifteen. Despite the price being pretty good (under $100), it has flaws that make it frustrating. The vibrations in use aren’t as rumbly as other ENVY/LUST items, and the jump from “tease” to “whoa” is a big jump. I think it’s going to let you down more often than not. Given the really bright red light, I don’t think it’s suitable for play in a low-light setting in public. I’m not loving the design because it rules out anyone with a buried clit. For public play, the remote sucks. For many uses, the remote sucks.

I’m going to keep trying out remote control vibrators to see if I can find one that isn’t awful. I’m losing hope, though. Industry, step up your game!! If someone could come out with a remote like Dorcel’s, with the connectivity and range of the Lelo Sensemotion, and a vibrator with rumbly vibrations in a decent range from teasing to decently powerful with gradual steps in intensity combined with two styles – one suited for innie clits and one suited for outtie clits – we’d be in business. But I have a feeling I’m going to be long gone from this world by the time sex toy companies recognize that not all clits are outties and design toys accordingly. Next in line for this style will be the L’amourose MAE – think it can impress me?

 

Mar 092015
 

Lovehoney Rockbox FingerNo matter how anybody felt about it in use, all reviews about the original Lovehoney Rockbox said the same thing: it was horrifyingly loud. Lovehoney didn’t take that as a negative, apparently, when they created the Rockbox Finger which is shaped like a lazily-crooked giant’s finger which “thrusts”. Thrusting toys somehow had new life breathed into them in the last year or so. The Lovehoney Rockbox Finger is like the Fun Factory Stronic on bath salts – manic, loud, offensive, dangerous and erratic. It is really the polar opposite of the Stronic line. If you thought the Lelo Mona Wave was loud, you ain’t heard nothin yet. I couldn’t tolerate the electric razor sound of the iGino; it made my cats run away. iGino is the sound of a babbling brook compared to the Lovehoney Rockbox Finger. Yes, it’s that bad. It’s louder than the Magic Wand, it’s louder than the Doxy Massager

Somehow…..SOMEHOW…..the very first time I turned it on, the thing decided to act possessed. It would not turn off. The vibrations would randomly slow down, speed up, appear to be doing the cha-cha and then rattle furiously while I kept clicking that button as if my life depended on it. While the husband looked on with mounting irritation and the cats were cowering under the end table, I frantically pulled out the manual which claims that you should press and hold the button to turn it off. NOTHING WORKED. I was exiled to another room; I had to go to the bedroom and shut the door. I was cackling at the absurdity but genuinely concerned because it wouldn’t turn off1.  Finally, finally, the 47th click turned it off. The relief I felt at that moment was immense. Since then, it’s mostly been okay in function. Except for the fact that, despite the video and instructions from another review, the battery cap will. not. budge. So I have to make my assessments and do everything I need to do before the batteries inside die a merciful death.

If you want to hear what the Rockbox Finger sounds like, check out this video. It’s about 1/2 or 2/3rd way through and be sure to turn down your sound!

It’s not often that I find a sex toy with zero redeeming qualities – even when something doesn’t work for me, I can (usually) see how it would work out well for someone else. There was the gag gift, the magnetic horror, this old worthless Extase vibe, and of course those cheap rabbits. And now, the Lovehoney Rockbox Finger.

Lovehoney Rockbox Finger - I PinchWhile the Stronic uses something akin to the Shake Weight to do its thrusting, the Lovehoney Rockbox Finger just moves back and forth. I’ve seen something like this long ago, but at least it was covered in a rubber shell to bridge the literal gap – the pinchy gap. It pinches. Like a crab. It will pinch your finger, your inner thigh, your labia, etc. Whatever skin it is near, it will pinch if you fuck up ONCE. I can assure you that for someone not into pain, the third pinch was the final straw for me. Oh and for all the maniacal “thrusting”? It doesn’t even work. Even just touching my labia, when I tried to use it clitorally, the slightest resistance made it stop because I was holding the handle. If the motion has nowhere to transfer to, it stops. If you hold the handle lightly enough while it’s inserted, then the handle is bobbing away ferociously outside your vag, with some weird rattling vibrations going on inside. It’s flat-out ridiculous. No price is worth it but I’m offended that Lovehoney charges over $40 for it. I’m also offended that of the 14 on-site reviews, you only see the good reviews at first glance. The rest are all warnings and rants, but miraculously there’s just enough to make the front page look positive. What a coincidence! 

Shevibe was considering carrying this atrocity because they’d had a few customers ask for it. They had their doubts, so they sent it to me to get a second opinion. Not only do I think Shevibe shouldn’t stock this, I don’t think Lovehoney should be selling it. This shouldn’t be on the market. IT’S JUST THAT BAD. DO. NOT. BUY. IT. While the price is exponentially higher, many people love the Fun Factory Stronic – consider that one if you want something that thrusts for you. If you want an enlightening experience, thrust your own dildo

  1. There is a very hysterical 2-minute video that starts from the time I’ve exiled to the bedroom, but I’m not sure I can share it because of anonymity reasons