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Glass Dildos: The Curved Joy Flower

I’ve owned a few glass dildos in my time; my first one was a bit of a let-down, as it wasn’t as heavy as I thought it would be. My second one was even more of a let-down, since it looked nothing like the original photos on the seller’s site and the new design left a lot to be desired. Then I received recently the Curved Joy Flower from MyPleasure for review. Made by a company called Joyful Pleasure, it is a handmade glass dildo yet still mass-produced.

The upside to handmade glass dildos:

They’re a lot like snowflakes – no two will ever be exactly identical

The downside to handmade glass dildos:

The variances can sometimes vary wildly from the manufacturer’s listed specs. This can mean size or color or decorative work.

The Curved Joy Flower is a solid, and pleasantly hefty, shatter-proof glass dildo. [Check out the properties and proper care of glass dildos] The pretty flower that is inside the double bulb end is quite beautiful to look at – I love the 3D design of it. All in all, the design and color of this are pretty close to the photos I’ve seen on MyPleasure and the manufacturer’s website. What was different, however, was the size. Luckily for you, the retail sites accurately portray the sizing of this: which is a max width of 1.5″. That size is only at the bulged portion of the tulip-shaped single end. Is there anything really wrong with 1.5″? No. But when you visit the manufacturer site and go by their measurements (less conscientious retailers will likely use the manufacturer’s measurements without doing any research themselves) they claim that the dildo is 1.75″ wide. A quarter of an inch in width translates to a lot more noticeable girth than you might imagine. For some, especially when you’re dealing with solid materials like glass, 1.75″ wide is going to be too big. I had been hoping for the larger size and so I was a little bit disappointed.

It was pointed out to me that this is what you get with handmade glass sex toys – diversity. Since there is no mold, they can’t be identical. But when you’re expecting 1.75″ wide and you get 1.5″ wide…..well, that’s a let-down. And if you were expecting 1.5″ wide and got 1.75″ wide? That would be an unpleasant surprise for most. After I received this glass dildo for review, I purchased two on my own (which I’ll review in the future) from another company and found the same problems: The sizes were different than the specs. Both were smaller than what was listed. Why is this happening so much? Is it because (and I hate to sound like I’m all “down with China”, because I’m not entirely) they are handmade yet still mass-produced in China? Would we get more consistency in the sizing and quality from a smaller company like Crystal Delights?

Well anyways. Moving on to the dildo itself. It’s pretty, it’s nicely hefty but not overly so, and has a dual-ended thing going on so that you can choose the style that suits you best. The gentle curve on the shaft is generally good for g-spot stimulation; using the stacked-bulb end for thrusting would add extra stimulation for your g-spot. Overall there’s nothing really “wrong” with this dildo (other than the sizing issue). For me personally it doesn’t trump the g-spot prowess of the Pure Wand but at half the price this is nothing to scoff at. The Curved Joy Flower that I received has an orange-ish red spiral in the shaft and the tapered bulb, and a teal-with-yellow flower in the bulb. Women who don’t like a lot of bumpy texture would enjoy this glass dildo, but women who don’t like things catching on their pubic bone might encounter issues with this if they also prefer slimmer dildos. I had no problems with it.

My only real complaint is that while the packaging for it is pretty it isn’t meant for storage and they don’t include a padded pouch, or a pouch of any kind. Storing your glass dildos in a protective cloth pouch is absolutely essential to maintaining a safe, chip-free sex toy. The packaging is a nicely designed cardboard box and the glass dildo is in a plastic mold. Throw away the plastic part and the box is quite a bit bigger than the dildo so that’s why I say it’s not ideal for storage since it’s a pretty big box.

   

 

Product received in exchange for an honest review.

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The Ultimate Guide to Silicone Sex Toys – With Metis Black of Tantus, Inc.

Silicone sex toys are heralded as the most superior sex toy material to many people. Silicone dildos can vary through a range of densities and silicone vibrators can feel plush without the potential for harm (like jelly or rubber). I picked the brain of Metis Black¹, the fabulous woman behind Tantus Inc, makers of some very awesome silicone sex toys. She is one of very few sex toy manufacturers that I fully trust to tell me the truth. Get your sex geek on and find out some myths and facts about silicone sex toys!

Myth or Fact: Silicone sex toys will “melt” or degrade if they touch each other while in storage

I own a lot of silicone. Scratch that; I own a lot of quality, true silicone. And I’m not diligent about storage. So if there’s anybody who can say that this is a myth, it’s me. And Metis. I asked her about this and she said:

I think this came from so many toys that were TPR or TPE that were (and continue to be) mislabeled silicone. Thermoplastic materials melt because they are unstable (they have free electrons that try to bond to other materials). As these electrons leave the toy, the toy disintegrates. No silicone is going to melt. At 600 degrees F it turns ashy. A silicone toy like the O2, with extra soft silicone, may burn off some of the dimethicone – flaming a little and becoming sooty- but still not melting.

So in other words if your silicone sex toy has any issues in your toybox, then it’s either not truly silicone or some rogue silicone lube from another toy got on it.

Myth or Fact: Silicone lube should never, ever be used with a silicone sex toy!

99% of the time you will be told that you shouldn’t use silicone lube with a silicone sex toy. I’ve parroted that info as well because it’s all I know. However a couple of manufacturers, Fun Factory for one, used to² advertise that you could use silicone lubes with their silicone sex toys. 

The Metis quick-n-dirty science geek answer:

The only thing that links silicone molecules is silicone so that’s why you may need to avoid lubes. The quality of the silicones in the lubricant and in the toy make a lot of difference.

Let’s say you really like your silicone sex toys and you really like using them in the bath or shower. Water-based lubes will fail you here. Are you out of luck? Not quite. A higher quality silicone lubricant won’t mess up a silicone sex toy - usually (Metis recommends Sliquid and Pjur brands)

Even with these brands we recommend you do a patch test (just like you’re supposed to with hair dye): on the base of the toy put a dab of lube and see if the lube gets gummy (it doesn’t ever melt). If it does get gummy it will happen pretty quickly and with only a small patch, you can clean it off with your finger nail.

So if it’s possible that yes, the two CAN meet, why the drumbeat of “Use only water based lubes!”? Litigation.

It became a liability issue when someone claimed it “melted” the toy as they were playing with it and so the customer went to the hospital. The companies who made the lubricant and the dildo paid that hospital bill and made a settlement; they also started publicizing that their materials were not compatible.

If you purchase both high-quality lubes and sex toys³ then you should be safe to mix, but test it first. I can tell you that the Fun Factory Body Fluid was smeared all over a Fun Factory and 2 Tantus silicone items with absolutely zero reaction that damaged the toy. There was a little bit of a “machine shop” odor though (see really-long-footnote #2 if you haven’t already).

Silicone is perfect, it is non-porous and the ultimate in safety! Right?

A few weeks ago I pulled out some travel bottles called Go  Toobs that are a soft, silicone body and plastic flip cap. They boast as being really great for travel. What they don’t tell you is that they’re using a lesser grade of silicone. It’s food-safe grade, which is still pretty good quality, but everything in my travel tubes dried up. I thought, how is this possible? And the woman from the company tells me that silicone is porous. Wait, what? This went against everything I’ve been told and have told others about silicone sex toys. They’re non-porous! Body safe! Yes, they are. For the most part.

Technically silicone has very tiny pores and is virtually non-porous. The pores are smaller than virus’ and bacterias- but some smells can be absorbed⁴. With time those smells will go away- you can try putting lemon juice on it (though I haven’t tried it) and see if that helps.

Ok so they can still be sanitized. They’re not going to hold onto larger-spored things like mildew, viruses or bacteria. This is the important stuff. An odor can be gotten rid of. Just keep an eye on your anal toys consider 10% bleach washes more often on those.

ETA:Super-soft silicones, like the outer layer on the Tantus O2 dildos, can absorb small amounts of dye depending on the situation. A few years ago it was reported that ForYourNymphomation sex toy cases had a lining with a dye that could transfer to certain toys. The more solid silicones will not take on any dyes but really soft types can. They’re still medically non-porous, however.

Myth or fact: If you see a clear (or stretchy, i.e. a cock ring) “jelly-like” sex toy that claims to be silicone, it really isn’t

This is fact.

Contact Lenses can be made from silicone so yes it can be ultra clear- however silicone that clear is really hard, brittle and about 10 times as expensive for raw materials. It’s beautiful but I’ve never been able to figure out an application in toys where I could justify charging that much. If it’s clear and super stretchy- there is no way it’s silicone. Tantus is shortly introducing the first super soft c-rings- they are nicely stretchy. Every buyer who’s seen them has been really excited- they are coming out later this month, in about a week. As you’ll see however, these rings aren’t clear.

Which leads me to the next question…..

How can the consumer tell if their sex toy is truly pure silicone, and not a blend?

Really it’s still a buyer beware situation. After we burned “silicone” in Australia a few years back, another vendor friend said his stuff was silicone- I told him it wasn’t. I saw this friend’s website recently telling me and you that all their crystal clear super stretchy cock rings were silicone. They aren’t. China told them they were though, and they seem to be sticking to China’s authority. Remember most “manufacturers” don’t manufacture anything but package design and sales strategies. Sometimes they do some engineering but often they don’t even do that. This allows companies to rapidly enter the market- all they need is a warehouse for storing boxes.

Now, Metis isn’t recommending that we all turn into pyromaniacs, but the infamous “lighter test” will work to melt TPR, Sil-a-gel, silicone blends and other silicone-look-a-like materials. I’ve recently added a post all about the flame test for silicone sex toys which includes video so that you can see exactly what happens with true silicone products vs silicone blend products (which are marketed as merely “silicone”) when you light them on fire (or try to).

What do all these words mean, isn’t silicone silicone? What makes Japanese silicone better than medical grade and what is platinum? Why do they have to confuse us??

Because they’re salesmen? Platinum isn’t just a word used for high-selling albums and expensive wedding bands. Metis said first to me, in part replying about the lube compatibility issue that “It’s about different chemistry, some lesser grades of materials bonding. Originally it was a Tin not a Platinum silicone (this refers to chemicals that are in the silicone which make the two liquids into a solid– vulcanize it).” But of course you’ll never see Tin used to describe a sex toy.

The refining process of making silicone was originally created by GE back in the 50′s and they sold the patent to Dow. Then GE apparently figured out the value of it, and created a totally separate method of processing it. There are several other raw processors who make the base materials from sand, ‘silica’. One is a German company Wacker, another a Japanese company Shin Etsu. The only reason to reassure people that it’s Japanese or German is because there is inherent quality believed by consumers to belong to products coming from those two countries.

So apparently the general public has been heavily swayed by cars. Awesome. Also? “Wacker”. *snickers* Yes, I’m 12.

But on the other side of the naming coin is the trickery used by lesser quality manufacturers to make us think that something is silicone. Cybersilicone, TPR-Silicone, SEBS (Silicone Elastomer Blend), Sil-a-Gel, “Crystal Cote” toys – none of these are 100% pure Platinum, Medical-Grade Silicone. They may contain some silicone but they still retain the porous properties of whatever else they’re mixed with – i.e. they’re not as safe or hygienic in terms of being non-porous. They very well may be phthalate-free and latex-free, but they’re not non-porous.

Is there a difference between the shiny silicone, the matte silicone, the stuff they stretch over vibrators, etc?

Yes and no. I started off comparing things like the shiny and hard Feeldoe to the matte texture of the soft-exterior Cush O2. Metis said:

Matte silicone just has a different finish on the master or the mold. Molds on the Feeldoe, for example, are highly polished. The difference with the Cush is that the super soft silicone has a different chemistry- it has more of the silicones that are in lube, making it a little less stable (with silicone lubes). 

Ok but what about the silicone that gets stretched over mechanical vibrators?

The silicone on a Lelo, or a WeVibe, etc, is an injection material that needs heat in order to cure. You can make dildos with this material too but it’s a process that is much more effective with thin small amounts than with larger amounts.  You can tell a silicone toy that is injected like this because the molds have parting lines with small tolerances. Most of Fun Factories designs are made this way. Vixen and Tantus’ products mostly aren’t. The silicone again for both processes is very safe and stable.

I’ve also recently (after writing this post) read about Lelo’s silicone process. They coat their items with something called SST (Silicone Soft Touch) which aids in lending that powdery-silky feel. I know that a lot of other luxury silicone toy companies use this product (it’s basically a liquid silicone that is also body-safe) and so when you flame-test these toys you’ll get a different result than when you flame test the shiny/sticky silicone products. You can see in my video of flame testing that items coated with SST will show a scorch mark that rubs off whereas other non-coated silicone products develop a pale ash, from the dimethicone burning.

Myth: Silicone doesn’t feel as “realistic” though as Cyberskin/Jelly! Silicone isn’t as fun/sparkly! Silicone is expensive!

I hear too many people trying to defend lesser quality materials with arguments like these. Silicone doesn’t mimic a realistic feel or look? Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t. Mentioned before, the Tantus O2 line is a dual-density that has a really firm core with a layer of plushy silicone over top. Vixen Creations also makes some very realistic dildos. Two things though that these manufacturers won’t have in the “realism” department that a gross rubber/cyberskin dildo will have: multiple colors for a realistic skin look (i.e. painted-on veins and a pink cock head) and/or fake pubic hair. I mean, if you really have a burning need for that dildo to fool you into thinking it is a magical, dismembered human penis then I can’t stop you. But that fake pubic hair will trap all kinds of gross shit and the painted-on realistic features? That will wear off after awhile. Where is it going???? Think about that one. Silicone might not be clear and gem-like, but they can certainly add glitter to it. I’ve seen both Tantus and the almost-defunct Jollies LLC do it.

People will also complain that silicone toys are too expensive. I know, they can be. Some manufacturers exploit the whole “luxury sex toy” angle. But there is a valid reason why silicone sex toys cost 2-4 times the prices of jelly, rubber or TPR. And frankly if after reading this whole post you don’t understand why……then I give up! But if you are on a super-strict budget, just watch for sales or keep an eye on the closeout bin at Tantus.

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So have you learned a lot or are you more confused? For me this reinforced my thoughts that when you’re buying silicone sex toys (which you always should, in lieu of jelly, rubber, cyberskin or PVC/vinyl) you should be purchasing them from a reputable company who isn’t just going to trust what China is telling them. Is China bad? Sometimes. Not all the time. It’s more on the manufacturer to do their quality checks. And, by the way, Tantus isn’t made in China. They’re made in the US, in their own shop and Metis knows everything that goes on. They are never in the hands of an unknown mass production company. Thankfully Tantus is not the only sex toy manufacturer that is knee-deep is quality checks, but sadly they’re still in the minority.

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Why I Hate JIMMYJANE: Part 1 – The Form 3 Review

Subtitled: When you’re right, you’re right or I should listen to my gut more

Once long ago in Babeland I fondled a few JimmyJane vibrators and was summarily unimpressed. I read a litany of mixed reviews from the entire spectrum of “LOVE IT” to “DIE IN A FIRE” and had figured out that JimmyJane’s Form line was largely overpriced “luxury” crap.

I was right. At least I got that goin for me.

I had an opportunity to grab the Form 6 and Form 3 from Red over at ToySwap (along with the now-defunct Cone vibrator and a Metal Worx “steel” dildo) and even though I knew I was probably going to hate them I JUST HAD TO. The things I do for you guys.

JIMMYJANE Form 3

In case you’ve been living under a rock, the innovative design of the Form 3 is supposed to combine your finger with the vibrator for “enhanced touch”¹. Except…it really doesn’t. The motor is in the body of the vibrator, which is the lower half. Then the silicone forms a scoop that is just a silicone extension, sort of like a Rabbit Vibrator on steroids. The material vibrates but the portion where the motor resides isn’t what you press to your clit. You can put this “lip” or tongue or whatever sideways between your labia for a meh amount of vibration. But the design’s intention is for you to push your finger in the center there. The silicone in this section is a membrane and it feels like pushing in on a balloon. The problem is that as soon as you do this….and you touch your silicone finger to your body….the vibrations are practically nil. It’s a pretty simple theory as to why the vibrations are not being transmitted: it’s a piece of silicone material being vibrated by a distanced motor and as soon as you apply enough pressure, the vibrations nearly stop transmitting through the material altogether. To push through the membrane and have your finger-via-silicone touching your clit or your partner’s clit requires a lot of pressure. If you have any strength issues with your hand, any physical disabilities, etc you will probably not be able to use this. Arthritis? Carpal Tunnel? Tennis Elbow? FORGET IT.

So you turn the Form 3 on and you’re thinking “Hey…this seems pretty powerful!” and then you lightly touch the thicker sides of the scoop/lip/tongue and they’re “ok” but then you add a little more pressure and 60% of vibrations have left the building. You then awkwardly push your index finger through the silicone and suddenly 90% of the vibrations have left the building. I found myself grinding the rigid body of the Form 3 against my clit just to feel something. Except that it’s surface-buzzy for the most part. Definitely not deep or rumbly like the We Vibe Touch. The controls on it though are easier to use than those on the Form 6. Press “+” to turn it on and go through the 5 levels of vibrations; press “-” to turn it down or off, there is no “quick off” though. The bottom with the “~” symbol controls the pulsation type functions.

Even more frustrating is trying to charge the goddamn thing. It sits there, easy and cute in it’s charging base. The contacts must touch and they must touch just so. It’s more difficult to align than your average rechargeable computer mouse. Since it’s not magnetic it doesn’t snap into place and since the vibrator has a rounded body and the metal contact isn’t flat either you have an irritating game of the Weebles: JimmyJane Edition. Form 3 will blink at you like it’s laughing as you set it in the cradle and it falls over a little or slips down like drunken college kid trying to sit upright. After 15 tries and a few minutes you finally have the thing sitting just so and the charging light remains steady – forever. You won’t know by looking at it when it’s fully charged. No no, you have to pick it up and look at it for the blink pattern ² and if you pulled it off too soon there we go again with the goddamn Weeble shit.

For all of the innovations packed into this little thing and the hefty price tag ($140-150) it is quite possibly a bigger rip-off than any Lelo toy when you rack up all the fails. If I wanted to sugar-coat it I could say that “it’s a great tease!” or “great for foreplay!” but you know what? I don’t come to vibrator-land looking for a fuckin tease. My fingers already have that job. Foreplay? Tongues are the VP. The job of my vibrator is to get me from any state of arousal to orgasm. Vibrators are my CEO, President and Head Bitch of the Orgasms Department. I am not willing to pay $145 for TEASING. I get that for free.

The JimmyJane Form 3 is a clitoral vibrator made of silicone and it is waterproof and rechargeable and a large disappointment.

Who will like this: Anybody who enjoys buying luxury sex toys and requires barely any vibration added to pressure and massage of the clitoris for orgasm; if you require no pressure with your vibrator and like vibrations on the side of clit
Try this instead: We Vibe Touch – same size, rechargeable, luxury, much better vibrations OR Leaf Spirit if you don’t require strong & rumbly vibrations – moderate power, luxury, rechargeable, half the size of the Touch or Form 3, very unobtrusive.

This is enough venom and fire for one post, so the Form 6 will be talked about separately. OH HOW WE WILL TALK.

 

This toy was procured on my own time, however:
this post sponsored is by: EdenFantasys (What this means), a sex toy store

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Papaya Rainbow Vibrator Review

Papaya is one of those small sex toy companies that truly care about their products and their consumers. They also care about everybody in between – their suppliers in the US (silicone) and their manufacturers in Asia are chosen carefully and monitored. Except for the plastic bit where the batteries go, all of the Papaya vibrators are made from medical grade silicone. I was given the Rainbow vibrator to review after I met and spoke with Pam at MomentumCon this past April where they were vendors.

The Rainbow, like all of the Papaya vibrators, has a slightly textured silicone handle (much easier to use if your hands are slippery) with relatively easy to use buttons and an innovative battery pack that has earned them an AVN award. The battery pack is similar to adapters/upsizers¹; you remove it completely from the vibrator and slip in two AA batteries – I have admittedly found it a bit difficult sometimes to remove the batteries from this contraption and you do have to put the batteries in the compartment lined up properly so it’s not like polarity/direction never matter. Then the battery pack can be tossed back into the vibrator  – doesn’t matter which end is up – and there you go. Also all of the Papaya vibrators are totally waterproof, if using a vibrator while submerged in water is your thing. It’s not mine, personally, especially with silicone sex toys because you must use only water-based lubes….which are water-soluble. You will most likely need to use lube with the Rainbow if you’re not one who normally does – the silicone has a bit of a matte texture to it and so it isn’t as slick and slippery as some other silicone toys I’ve used. The perk is that it isn’t nearly as much of a dust/pet fur magnet.

Rainbow is a moderately sized ² insertable vibrator with gentle ridges/ripples/bloops and it retains some flex throughout the middle. The motor seems to be located in the head of the toy and while it’s not the most powerful motor in its class it is definitely rumbly and fairly strong. My only real complaint was with screwing the cap back on after inserting the batteries – it isn’t quite as easy as other toys to line up the grooves and get it screwed back on tightly; I’ve not heard too many others mention this so it might just be mine. It almost appears as if the plastic portion had a mishap in production where excess plastic wasn’t trimmed. Be sure you do have it screwed on correctly and tightly if you want to use it in the water, though.

Overall this is a very nice quality vibrator…. but it’s not personally my thing. As I discussed in my post about the strongest g-spot vibrators I require something earth-moving to make an insertable vibrator impress me (or rather, impress my g-spot, she’s a real finicky bitch) because otherwise it’s right back to the Pure Wand for me.

You can get your own Papaya toy directly from their website or follow them on Twitter and Facebook for a chance to win one every month. Thank you, Papaya, for being a good company and creating great products! And a big thank you to Pam for being a great liaison to bloggers and for letting me review this vibrator.

Silicone care & cleaning | Vibrator Care & Cleaning | Disclosure

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The Best and Worst Sex Toys of 2011

Every year the sex toy industry grows and, hopefully, matures beyond jelly rubber/phthalates as their stand-by breadwinner. Sometimes the best innovations are not really much more than a slight re-do. The failures of the year include things that were never tried before – innovation was their downfall. To be fair, it wasn’t the whole “let’s try something new” that was the failure it was the “Did you people even test this shit?” aspect. Beta is fine for online computer games, not sex toys.

The Best New Sex Toys in 2011

I’m keeping this sub-list down to the best sex toys that came out this past year (or at least I’m pretty sure these did)

Vanity VR6 by Jopen – The vibrator that made me realize I could love internal g-spot vibrations. Sadly it is the only one in the entire Vanity line that packs the rumbly power punch – the rest have power, yes, but none are quite as Rocky Balboa as the VR6¹. It’s still not the perfect Rabbit-Style vibrator but it’s something I’m willing to overlook for how HOLY FUCK YES it stimulates my g-spot just by sitting there, vibrating.

Flex Double Penetration by Tantus – I won’t be using it personally but I do own one and have read the reviews. It’s a vibrating dildo with a rabbit-esque attachment of firm “anal beads”. It’s probably one of kind at this point. And it’s silicone, one of the only materials you should put in your ass! Use the included RO-80 bullet vibe for a little something extra or get the Tantus suction cup attachment for more fun.

 E-Sensual USB-Powered Bullet – My new favorite bullet, a close second to the Black Magic Bullet. It’s rumbly and it’s a powerhouse and it allows me to forget about batteries when I jerk off at my usual location – in front of my computer. It can be modified to grab it’s power from an electrical outlet  if you have a smartphone outlet charger and you’ll probably want to pick up a $5 USB extension cable if you want a little freedom from the cord length.

  Tantus O2 Flurry – Really firm core surrounded by plush, softness. Pure silicone, of course. Great base, good size, just all around awesome. O2 Cush for more girth is equally awesome, but load up on the lube. The base is a natural suction cup on the right surface.

   Honorable Mentions:

 Je Joue Mimi – Finally a rechargeable vibrator with a moderately-strong and rumbly, deep motor. It’s not ideal because the buttons are a bitch and for me the magnetic charger easily disconnects. It has flaws but sometimes the motor (intensity and vibration type) can throw out bonus points that make you overlook certain things.

 

We Vibe 3 – The minor improvement to the motor’s intensity and the addition of the remote are good upgrades for those that already like this toy or almost loved the previous version.  Simple, but at least you don’t want to throw it at the wall like some other couples vibes we know.

 

Sweet Embrace – Vibrations that get me off, but it’s poorly designed. I adore it for many reasons but none of them are what it was made for (g-spot massage). It’s an inexpensive vibrator that can be unscrewed in the middle for travel and produces fairly powerful, rumbly vibrations. It’s also a serviceable g-spot dildo in a pinch.

 

The Worst Sex Toys of 2011

Lelo Tiani and the entire Insignia SenseMotion line – The level of disappointment and frustration can’t even be summed up here. Lelo totally bombed here. Between the lackluster vibrations, the remote from hell, the fact that the vibrator just SHUTS OFF if you lose signal to the remote AND YOU WILL, and the high price tag it’s the most hyped thing this year that flopped so horribly. If wishes, hopes and dreams could rescue a sex toy from abject failure then the Insignia line as a whole would have magically been exactly what we expected. But it wasn’t meant to be.

Picobong – The whole fuckin line. Yet another Lelo fail. Marketed towards, I think, younger people? They are a more affordable line from Lelo that seems to be designed by someone not human². Typical buzzy & weak vibrations mock you behind the cutesy exterior, and every insertable model makes you want to scream because the buttons to control it are now inside you.

The Studio Collection’s Vibrating Brush from Screaming O – Touted as vibrators that could be mistaken for makeup in your purse. But oh! no! Better than the crappy predecessors! I don’t think so. What makeup brush do you own has no bristles? The fake bristles (along with “Screaming O” on the handle) absolutely shot the whole “vibrator in disguise” thing totally out of the water.

Club Vibe 2.Oh – Like the Sensemotion line from Lelo, Ohmibod’s wireless sound/music responsive “public” vibrator is wonky at best, according to all the reviews. Weak and buzzy yet loud and irritating. It had potential…oh they all do, really. But what club-hopping chick is going to want a fairly large hard plastic vibrator shoved in her panties when she’s probably wearing something skimpy and revealing?

 

 

Best Discovery of 2011

My best “where have you been all these years??” discovery that didn’t come out this year but I should have tried it ages ago: Mystic Wand. Gotta be honest, I don’t even touch my Hitachi these days. Or Acuvibe.

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YAY: A USB-Powered Bullet Vibe! BOO: Picobong Honi

I’ve been talking a LOT about sex toys lately, I know. Bear with me :)

California Exotics USB-Powered E-Sensual Bullet Vibrator

The other day while browsing new additions to EF I stumbled across this bullet vibe from CalExotics that is USB-powered. No, not USB-rechargeable. USB POWERED. I read the reviews, many of which made me a bit irritated so I immediately bought this thing myself just so I could get across one major point:

It can’t be listed as a “Con” (in the Pros and Cons of the review template) if it was never meant to do that by design. No batteries? No suction cup? WTF?

Moving along. A comment made by many people who commented on the previous reviews was “Looks interesting, but I don’t want to be tied to my computer” to which I say: “Why would you buy/consider this then?”¹. If I had no electrical outlets in my house, I wouldn’t even contemplate buying a rechargeable vibrator or a plug-in vibrator. Same same.

Okay, really, moving along.

THIS BULLET IS FUCKING AWESOME. WHERE HAS IT BEEN MY WHOLE LIFE?!?! And by whole life I mean “while I was working at my old job and used to jerk off at my desk a LOT“. I can’t even tell you how many times I would run out of batteries there; this would have solved the problem 100%. Now that I no longer am in that situation one would think that this vibrator wouldn’t be as useful to me, but you’d be wrong. I have to admit that the place I most frequently masturbate these days is at my desk. In fact I only leave my desk if I require the use of a different toy or want to use my Pure Wand (it works better for me if I’m laying down). Otherwise I sit here with a trusty bullet vibe tucked down in my panties / whatever I’m wearing while I browse my Tumblr porn and read hot blog entries and so on; I usually have a very lovely hands-free orgasm.

That is, of  course, until I run out of AAA batteries for my Black Magic bullet vibrator. But no more! The E-Sensual bullet vibrator is REALLY powerful. It’s so powerful that the rumbly-ness of the first level becomes a touch buzzy at the top speed (which is like, whoa, some days even I can’t take it) but it’s still getting me off fabulously. It has 3 patterns and, perhaps because of the rumbly and the intensity, I actually like and use the patterns. I know, right, who am I?!?

The argument of “I don’t want to be tied to my computer” doesn’t hold water for anyone willing to A: Shell out another $10 and who B: has a smartphone. My phone came with this nifty wall charger that actually has a USB-toMicro-USB cable. I removed that cable and plugged in the bullet vibe and IT WORKED. It was also even more powerful, if that’s possible. I haven’t gotten an answer yet from CalEx if this is bad for the toy. Then I did some thinking and remembered that my Bluetooth headset came with a mini USB-to-Micro-USB cable and a car charger that you plugged the USB end into. Voila! You can use your E-Sensual vibe in the car now! So we have computer/laptop, wall outlet, and car charger. ETA: I bought all the necessary cables and USB gender-changer adapters just to find out that it won’t run off of your smartphone’s micro-USB port. Sad, but oh well. We still have extension cables, wall outlets and car chargers! 

If you jerk off at your computer, just buy the damn bullet. For the minor faults that I wrote about in my onsite review it is still utterly worth it for folks like me. And it’s affordable. Even with the cables and accessories. (The cable is a bit short for many desktop computer users but again you can buy an extension cable for like less than $6 on Amazon.)

PicoBong: A line of cheap toys that are about as disappointing as I expected

To be fair I’ve only tried one but let’s be real here: I only need to try one. Epiphora and SugarCunt confirmed that the annoying Kiki ² is cute but weak and disappointing. Which is exactly what the Picobong Honi is: Stupidly designed, surface-buzzy as hell and not very strong. I knew this before I bought it. I did. But again, I think I wanted it just so that I could write a review that didn’t focus on using the goddamned thing internally. I mean seriously, why would you once you see the controls?? Just because it has a “retrieval cord”? Just because Picobong stupidly claims it can be used internally? If they meant for it to be used internally, why oh why would they put the control buttons on the side of the bullet? Is this suddenly now a game to see if you can clench your PC muscles enough and in the right location to change the vibration while it’s inside of you? Wow. Dumb. If they hadn’t actually said on their awful site that it was an external bullet it wouldn’t be quite so bad. They say you should set it and then insert it (duh). So if you wanna change it up, you have to take it out, covered in fluids, and change it? Riiiiight. And the indented PicoBong name and buttons are a bitch and a half to get clean. The cap also is really, really difficult to get on straight and tight enough for me to believe that it really is waterproof. I don’t see an o-ring. I turned it on and dropped it in a sink of water. At first I thought it was dead because I saw no ripples in the water (and it wasn’t very deep). But no, it was running. After a few minutes I took it out and dried it off, opened that cap and sure enough there was some moisture.

What do you get when Lelo tries to create something “affordable” for the younger crowd? You get a box that’s flimsier than the cheapest toy companies and a battery-operated poorly-designed dud. Lelo seems to be intent on never offering anybody any real stimulation to write home about. OH! And just to make you feel better about spending the money on this thing they’ve included a FUN DICE! (Die? Singular?) It has vague images of their various toys on it instead of numbers or anything. Which is…..I….I don’t even know. What the fuck am I supposed to do with this thing? Do they intend for it to be like Pokemon and we collect the entire line of crap and then roll the dice to come up with our playtime rotation? Because each one will come with the same damn die so you’ll then have half a dozen worthless dice. So you’re holding this thing and wondering what the fuck to do with it. You go to their website and you find where they talk about it, finally, and first you find a Pacman-like game on the site (yawn) and then somewhere (I can’t even find it now) there’s a “So what do I do with this die?” FAQ questions and their answer is “We were hoping you’d tell us!”

*headdesk*

The whole site irritates the shit out of me. Everything about it. Everything about the toys. ENOUGH WITH THIS “C-SPOT” shit! And to top it off, the toys are still overpriced for what they are. In fact, here’s one for $20 that’s probably better, but similar concept and design.

So there you go. One post, two bullet vibes, polar opposites. The CalEx (I know I’m almost choking endorsing something by them) E-Sensual USB Bullet Vibrator is fucking awesome; while the PicoBong by Lelo Honi Bullet Vibrator is an annoying piece of junk.

 

Post sponsored by: EdenFantasys (What this means), a sex toy store

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