Aug 202014

Secret Vibe Remote Control Vibrator by Marc Dorcel has a great remote! Remote face lights up and shows you which setting you're on, and a visual representation of what that setting feels like. “Are there any decent remote control vibrators?” is probably one of the top five questions I get asked. Since I first wrote about this in 2011, a bunch of new contenders have come on to the market. Most I discount immediately, because the first requirement of a decent remote control vibrator can be figured out just from seeing photos online and reading the description – many of the remote controlled vibrators offer only a tiny remote with a button or two and nothing to give you feedback. The Secret Vibe Remote Control Vibrator nails the first requirement. It’s why I considered reviewing it. But to have success, and not frustration, when using a remote control vibrator in public all three of these requirements must be met: 

1. The remote needs to tell the person controlling the vibrator what the person wearing the vibrator is feeling, while being discreet enough that the user feels comfortable handling it in public.

2. The vibrator needs to be powerful enough to be felt, quiet enough for public play use, and designed well enough to be worn comfortably.

3. The wireless connection needs to work through a layer of clothing, through flesh, and from across a room. Bonus points for working through a wall.

The third requirement is decent, not bad, for the Secret Vibe. Holding the vibe in my hand, the connection went across two rooms and through a wall. Inserted, or in panties (both while wearing pants) however it only worked from at most 20 feet away. Which is….tolerable. It’s better than some I’ve dealt with.

So all that’s left is the third requirement, the vibrator. And this is where Marc Dorcel’s Secret Vibe Remote Control Vibrator fails so, so hard. Surface-buzzy vibrations that are on par with the weakest I’ve ever felt. Judging by the sheer size of the vibrator, I’m going to assume it’s meant for insertion. I don’t personally get that; I don’t ever get off from just internal vibrations, nor do they even really do anything to arouse me. If you thought my clitoris was made of steel, apparently my vagina is even worse. As I clicked through the 10 settings (7 patterns, 3 apparent levels of intensity) I couldn’t discern a difference between the settings and the “vibration” was not pleasurable or arousing to me1. Used externally, I could feel differences in the vibration intensity but the vibrations are such crap that I actually preferred a few of the pattern settings because it was the only way I could feel anything pleasurable.  Ok so maybe it’s a great size I guess for internal stimulation, but what if that’s not what you want? What if the feeling of one tiny caged bee whispering at your g-spot doesn’t do it for you?

Under the best of circumstances (no pressure, very aroused, watching my preferred type of “porn”, etc) I’ve been able to orgasm from the lowest setting on the We-Vibe Tango, so it’s really less about sheer power than it is about the type of vibrations. The extremely buzzy vibrations of the Secret Vibe feel almost ticklish/itchy when used externally unless I’m sitting and therefore there’s decent pressure being applied. But there is no way in hell that I’d be able to orgasm from this vibrator. Maybe someone who is much, much more sensitive than I am would be able to. Maybe that’s not the point for many people. If you’re really into tease & denial, then hey this could be perfect. Because it’s fairly unlikely to bring someone to orgasm, especially when inserted.

On the “strongest” setting, it’s a bit noisy if you’re using it externally and you don’t have fuller outer labia like I do to muffle the sound. Not ideal in this case for super-quiet settings without ambient noise.  The vibe itself uses two AAA batteries. I tried to use a better quality battery than they included and it really didn’t improve matters. Oddly, there is space for 3 AAA batteries, so I don’t understand why they’re not utilizing that, unless the motor is just so wimpy, more power behind it wouldn’t matter. The remote uses a little 12V job which isn’t hard to find. The batteries also lasted while, and the remote shows battery level of the remote itself. I wish it showed the battery level of the vibrator.

Secret Vibe Remote Control Vibrator by Marc Dorcel has room for 3 AAA batteries, but only uses two The Secret Vibe Remote Control Vibrator by Marc Dorcel is larger than I expected. To show a size comparison, first there is the Doc Johnson Black Magic Bullet vibe, the We-Vibe Salsa, the Secret Vibe and then the Lelo Luna Beads Classic The Secret Vibe Remote Control Vibrator by Marc Dorcel is larger than I expected. To show a size comparison, first there is the Doc Johnson Black Magic Bullet vibe, the We-Vibe Salsa, the Secret Vibe and then the Lelo Luna Beads Classic

All in all, if only the vibrator weren’t so weak, I could fully recommend this. But it’s just so damn paltry.  Maybe if this thing cost less than $30, I’d feel a little more okay recommending it for external use if you can tolerate it. But a retail price of $70? Nope. Sadly I’ve also got to assume that the Genius Secret Vibe, the anal-safe version, is going to be identical save for the anal-safe sleeve. I can’t recommend either vibrator. There are some other flaws, too. The bullet, when screwed together with batteries inserted, is very finicky. I’ve had a lot of trouble getting it started. It can’t be screwed too loose or too tight, there’s some bizarre Goldilocks setting that will take much fiddling around to locate. I wanted to like this, I had hoped I would like this. So, what now? The answer is simple: Gear up and head out. The quest to find a great remote control vibrator is still on. I’m not giving up.

How do YOU use remote control vibrators? Externally or internally? Do you want to be teased, with no hope of orgasm? Have you ever found a remote control vibrator that passes all three requirements?


Thanks to SheVibe for providing me with the Secret Vibe Remote Control Vibrator in exchange for my very honest review!



  1. I even went out and purchased a brand new set of the most powerful-looking AAA batteries on the market, hoping that, as an on-site reviewer noted, the included batteries were crap. No dice.
 Posted by at 10:34 am
Aug 062014

PalmPower Wand MassagerAfter reading a number of glowing reviews, some even saying that the PalmPower is their new favorite vibrator, I broke down and tried it. I’m not really a fan anymore of being tied down by a cord, so I had ignored this thing for awhile. PalmPower Wand Massager is made by BMS Factory, makers of that “PowerBullet” you keep seeing in Jopen, Leaf, and other vibes. I had been interested in trying out this design for some time now, back when CalEx was making it. Yes, from everything I can see, the PalmPower is the same thing as the CalExotics Couture Inspire just in a better color scheme, thankfully1according to BMS a few years ago, the only thing as powerful as the Vanity VR6. Since I loved the VR6 (internal arm only, though) I assumed the PalmPower / Couture Inspire would have the same deep, rumbling vibrations.

I was mislead.

Yeah, PalmPower Wand Massager is super strong. And it, at times, has deep, rumbling vibrations. But something is getting lost in translation here, and I can’t put my finger on it. It does feel rumbly on the lower levels, but only on the sides of the cap. The top of the cap has drastically less vibrations on the low-to-mid settings. On high, it’s all a blur. On high, the PalmPower Wand Massager feels identical to the Magic Wand –  just a smaller head.

But the problem with the more pleasing vibrations in the lower range being more rumbly and lovely on the sides, is that now you can feel that cap’s edge since you’re using the sides of the head. If I were to call it a “seam”, it would be the most obvious seam in sex toy history. I found it quite irritating in use. I could feel it, pinching and making me itchy. I kept trying to press it harder against my vulva, trying all levels of power in an attempt to orgasm, but it was so much more difficult than it needed to be. This could be because of the way I’m built, and maybe not everyone is irritated by this. But I am.

And then when I removed it from between my labia, the silicone cap came off.

*sigh* I suddenly have labia of steel?

To make matters worse, it’s tricky to get the cap lined up just so so that it fits on there properly.  I can understand, I suppose, why they made the design this way. It allows for other caps to be put on. They have a set for body parts and a set for genitals. The body parts set did nothing for me, but I don’t really use a wand massager for my hands. So I tried out the caps for dual stimulation with much hope. I figured that this would allow me to harness the power for good, er, I mean, concentrate the power where I wanted it. That didn’t happen. The part that sticks out, sticks out from the top of the vibrating head…..remember me saying I felt a lot less vibration at the low-to-mid range on top? Yeah. In order to then get decent vibrations traveling through the attachment, I had to crank up the power. And it was no longer the rumbly power I was trying so hard to nail down. Neither attachment worked out for me. It was close, but not quite right enough for me to orgasm without fighting for it.

PalmPower Wand Massager Cap PalmPower Wand Massager Cap
PalmPower Wand Massager Attachments

Another aspect of the PalmPower that I dislike  is the single button. You have to press and hold to increase the power. It can be easy to screw this up mid-use and then it turns off on you altogether because you just clicked the button once. I accidentally turned it off a lot during use. The ramp-up to full speed also seems to go on forever. It’s the vibrator version of the longest pee. I clocked it at 8 seconds. Paltry in the grand scheme of things, but annoying mid-use if you want to jump straight to full power. And, while the PalmPower is easy to hold, a good amount of vibrations do travel down throughout the handle.

PalmPower Wand Massager Compared to Hitachi Magic Wand and Vibratex Mystic WandAnd yes, despite the diminutive size of the PalmPower Wand Massager, it plugs in to the wall. They do give you a long cord, longer than the Magic Wand. The cord, oddly, isn’t permanently attached. It plugs in via jack to the bottom, which – from reading Amazon reviews  – is pretty confusing to many people who went on to complain about their “defective” unit not holding a charge.  I can’t find these reviews anymore, of course, since it was Amazon and they were being sold by shady sellers, so the listings with reviews are now gone but there were many reviews that complained about the cap popping off, the motor overheating, and other issues with the Couture Inspire. I don’t know which wand came first, or why there are two. I asked BMS, but never heard back, so my review has to go live with questions dangling like a participle.


You must be thinking to yourself by this point “Jeezus Lill, is there anything you like about this or are you just the pickiest twat on the East Coast?” So I’ll tell you yes, there are things I like. I like that half of the head, and the attachments, are silicone. It’s a nice silicone, with not much drag and it doesn’t attract a lot of lint and fur. I actually do like the smaller size; easier to take with you than the Magic Wand, and gets in the way less if you like to use it during sex. It’s certainly quieter than the Magic Wand. The price isn’t awful. At $69.99 on SheVibe, it’s a bit more than the Magic Wand but still much more reasonable than the Doxy Massager. If they would just make the plain head a permanent “cap” and make it the entire head silicone, with the attachments fitting over that – like every other damn wand is made – it would improve the whole thing greatly. For what it is, it’s pretty decent. It’s not in my top 5 or even 10 because the flaws are too flawed for me to love it. If you adore the Magic Wand’s vibrations but hate the short cord or the large size? This is your vibe. So many other people love it, so I must be the only odd person out who focuses on flaws. That’s the only thing that makes sense here. I just want a high-powered, rumbly vibrator that doesn’t have glaring flaws that stand in my way of enjoyment. Is that too much to ask? Oh, wait……



I was given the PalmPower Wand Massager and its accessories in exchange for an honest review thanks to BMS Factories. I recommend purchasing the PalmPower at my favorite retailer, SheVibe.

  1. Inspire was only available in pastel hues of pink and purple. While the PalmPower still has pink, it’s a much better pink to me, the magenta color as an accent to the dark grey
Aug 012014

SedeuxFlareI wanted to review the Sportsheets Sedeux Flare Dildo for two reasons:

1. It’s affordable

2. It’s not fleshtone, pink or purple.

Lofty goals, right? Also, it’s really the opposite of many dildos I’ve reviewed in the past – it’s simple and small. I can’t, and shouldn’t, always review only the things that my vagina loves (if I did that, I would have just stopped at the Pure Wand years ago) but the problem with trying to give a review that’s equal parts objective and subjective on a dildo that is a size I would never love…..well, it’s damn difficult. So I’ve been dragging my feet on writing this, because I don’t hate it and yet I don’t personally love it. But I WILL recommend the hell out of it for the many people who want a smaller dildo. This would be awesome for pegging, and great for vaginal penetration for those who don’t like thick dildos.  It’s only 1.25″ at the head, and closer to 1″ in the shaft.

It’s reasonable to say that the color of your Sedeux Flare might vary from piece to piece. The overall color is a brick/slightly orange-y red, with hints of purple-y opalescent glitter swirling about. The glittery-purple-pearl is much less noticeable on mine than the product photos I’ve seen on various sites. In fact many product photos on retail sites show that the pearlescent coloring is both pink/purple and orange.  But regardless, it’s still a color choice that isn’t horribly gendered and isn’t very common. Mine has much less “fire” to the coloring but it’s still a nice addition, nonetheless.


The dildo I own that is the closest in shape and size to the Flare is the Tantus Silk Medium. The Tantus Silk Medium is listed as 5.25″ long and 1″ wide, while the Sedeux Flare is listed as being 5.75″ long and 1.25″ wide (this measurement comes from the manufacturer; Lovehoney lists it a bit differently for some reason). The slightly angled tip is a bit wider than the shaft; so if you like the Silk Medium but need something a little less straight, the Sedeux Flare would be a perfect choice.

The gentle slope of the head means it should be okay for those sensitive to certain shapes catching their pubic bone, and overall it should be great for those who don’t require girth or extreme pressure on their g-spot. Overall it’s a pretty firm silicone, but the thinner shaft means it has a bit of bend and give while still being firm enough overall to give pressure to the prostate or g-spot. I’ve successfully used Wet Hybrid lube on this, with no detriment to the silicone. You can also pair it with coconut oil if you’re not otherwise using condoms. It can be sanitized in the usual ways.  In short, this is really a very serviceable moderate dildo that’s versatile and comes in a unique color.  So long as you know what you like and need in terms of size, I can’t really find any flaws with the Sportsheets Sedeux Flare. So why don’t I love it? I can’t fully blame it on the width, because the Pure Wand is awesome for me and it’s not what I’d consider a girthy dildo. It’s really down to the length for me. I just simply need something longer – not for insertion, but just for comfortable handling and use with my body type. It’s a great harness dildo, though, and would look smashing paired with a certain Tantus harness.



Thanks to Lovehoney for sending me the Sedeux Flare in exchange for my honest review! Don’t forget, Lovehoney has a great return policy and UK shoppers can get the Sedeux Flare here

Jul 202014

JimmyjaneForm4The Jimmyjane Form 4  seems to be suffering a case of mistaken identity. Everything it claims to be, it is not. 

I don’t have a good history with the brand; in fact it’s well-known that I will never recommend one of their products. I fondled their Iconic line at a Babeland a few years ago and was extremely underwhelmed. Don’t even get me started on those bumblebee-in-a-can Little Something vibes. I hated the Hello Touch and I wanted to set fire to the Form 3. The Form 6 bored me so much that I never found the fucks to give to review it. I tend to think that everything made by JJ is in the buzzy camp and very overpriced.  Yet I start to doubt my convictions now and then when I read a positive review. I start to think that possibly not all of the Forms are awful and I should give it a shot again. So when Peepshow Toys sent me the Form 4, I tried very hard to pretend it wasn’t a Jimmyjane vibrator. I tried to ignore the ludicrous ad copy. 

All of my efforts failed. I still don’t like the Form 4. Let me count the ways….

Barry White?

I’d like to hand Jimmyjane the Lelo Smart Wand Large and the Minna Limon and the We-Vibe Tango and drill it into their heads that those items are rumbly. Those items could possibly be called the Barry Whites of vibrators. For Form 4 to self-claim the title is presumptuous and just dead wrong.  I tried the water test (which the Form 3 failed spectacularly).  I tested the Leaf Fresh+, the Lelo Mia 2, the Je Joue Mimi Soft, the We-Vibe Touch and then Tango, comparing to the Form 4. All of the vibrators I tested had more of an impact on the water than that of the Form 4. They’re all more powerful, with deeper vibrations, than the Form 4.

I personally respond best to deep, penetrating vibrations. Lacking that, I require pressure (so that the vibrations travel through flesh a little farther). It took me 35 minutes of play and porn and a lot of pressure to coax out an orgasm with the Form 4. The orgasm was a bit like a failed July 4th firework – You see the trail going up up up into the sky, you hold your breath and wait for the bang and burst but it never happens. It’s just a silent “poof” of nothing with a tiny light sputtering and spiraling to the ground. Plenty of people do not need strong, deep vibrations. I think you already know this about yourself, if this is the case. But if you’ve hated more vibrators than you’ve loved, if manual clitoral stimulation is a frustrating endeavor then let me lead you away from the Jimmyjane Form 4.  There is no “exceptional power”. It is moderate, in everything it does.

Flexible! G-Spot!

Form4FlexOn their site, Jimmyjane has a graphic that is apparently supposed to represent how flexible the Form 4 is. Um, no. “Form 4” and “Flexible” are in different zipcodes. States, even. With a lot of force pushing the head in one direction and the neck in another, I can get the Form 4 to be very slightly flexible…ish. This claim has to be the most far-fetched of them all on the Form 4.

Listen, my g-spot needs either pressure or fullness or firm strokes. The Jimmyjane Form 4 cannot deliver any of these. And if your g-spot is not located right near your pubic bone, the Form 4 isn’t going to reach. You’ve got maybe 3 inches of insertable space if I’m being generous. This coupled with the straight bowling-pin shape1 does just not make for a g-spot vibrator.  STOP TRYING SO HARD, JIMMYJANE.

More seam than a pair of legs circa 1942

Silicone-covered vibrators have a seam. It’s the nature of the beast. You can’t avoid it. But you CAN make the seam less noticeable. Jimmyjane did not. I don’t consider myself extremely sensitive but even I felt that seam during external use. Most people are more sensitive than I, and would likely be quite bothered by this. For ~ $145, I expect way better.

SO 2010

In my list of gripes, it feels very minor to gripe about the charging cable and the packaging but it irks me enough that I can justify it. It’s 2014, Jimmyjane. Time to slim down the packaging, use less plastic, make the charging unit more travel-friendly. It’s been a few years since I received a rechargeable toy with this giant A/C adapter plug. Many companies have switched to USB for worldwide compatibility and others at least made the adapter smaller.

JJForm4Packaging JJForm4Charger

It’s not all bad….?

You get a moderately powerful slightly buzzy waterproof vibrator that is stuck in between the lands of Clitoral Vibrator and G-Spot Vibrator. It’s longer than most vibes meant for clitoral action, which in my world is a good thing. It’s easy to hold. There is still some vibration sensation that travels throughout the entire vibe, so it’s not like ditching the smaller clitoral vibes for this gets you noticeably less tingly of the fingers. It comes in gray…..

….That’s all I got. I can’t find anything else good about it. I tried.

 Where should you go from here?

Vibrators that are more powerful and rumbly than the Jimmyjane Form 4: Lelo Mona 2; Je Joue Uma; Minna Limon; We-Vibe Tango; We-Vibe Touch; Jopen Envy 3; Je Joue Mimi Soft; Leaf Fresh+. Lelo Mia 2 is a bit more rumbly but about the same intensity and the same can be said for even the Lelo Gigi 2.  If you don’t really need something powerful, I think even the Gigi 2 (and it doesn’t rank super high for me) would be a better choice than the Form 4. More of a handle, better g-spot curve and head, and can be used externally. I’d suggest Je Joue Uma if you want a little more length and intensity/depth of vibration in a style that can be used for g-spot or clitoris. If it’s just clitoral you’re interested in, I’d recommend the We-Vibe Touch for a more pleasing vibration that still retains serious power within an ergonomic, silicone-covered body, or the We-Vibe Tango for the ultimate in deep, rumbling vibrations. Both the Touch and Tango have 4 intensity speeds so you don’t need to choose the super-powered setting if you don’t need it.

Bottom line is that I can recommend a whole host of vibrators that perform better and cost less than the Form 4. I can’t find any reason to ever recommend the Form 4 over anything else.


My appreciation to Peepshow Toys for allowing me to satisfy my curiosity, and prove to myself that I just shouldn’t trust Jimmyjane to deliver. After all, this is a company that thinks people are going to pay $40 more for the same vibrator that has 24K gold plated charging contacts – or, better yet, $3,500 for a platinum & diamond 1-speed piece of crap. They seem to have done away with their $4k bouncy house and $35k plane ride, at least. Between their ridiculous pricing, inability to make even one awesome vibrator, and the fact that they’re now owned by Pipedream (a company I wouldn’t trust as far as I could throw them, so it’s a match made in heaven) – this is a brand I simply won’t recommend. 



  1. I think it also is shaped like squash, also not sexy or conducive to g-spot play
Jul 162014

Vixen Medium Realistic Bent and Vixen Vixskin TexThe Medium Realistic Bent and Vixskin Tex are the same size, length and design – modeled after an average-sized cock with foreskin. The only difference between the two is that one is dual-density Vixskin and comes only in flesh tones, while the other is more firm and comes in colors like black and a gorgeous purple. I’m not a fan of super-realistic dildos, but the realistic design squick can be offset for me with non-realistic color options, hence why I chose the Medium Realistic Bent as my single-density Vixen to try out.

Probably the only real issue I have with these two dildos is the length. It would be a great addition to a harness for thinner build people, but from my experience larger people need a dildo that is a little longer. I carry a lot of weight in my midsection and it can interfere with a harness dildo of this length. For solo play the length also bothers me due to my build and lack of extreme flexibility. I need something that is curved like the Pure Wand, Comet Wand or Nobessence Seduction or a dildo with a longer handle.  Even the Tantus Cush O2 is easier for me to use simply because the overall length is greater; even though I can’t use all of the length for penetration it gives me something to hold on to. The same could be said of the Raptor XL.

Some silicone attracts fur and dust like crazy; the Vixens are some of the worst. Vixskin, for me, is harder to clean and keep clean than even Tantus O2 material. No matter what I tried, I couldn’t always get it totally clean – I kinda resigned myself to the fact that a few stray cat hairs were going to end up in my vagina. But the Vixskin certainly does feel realistic; I almost couldn’t tell the difference under clothing between my husband’s bio cock and a Vixskin dildo.

Some Vixen models have a base that has suction cup abilities, some don’t. Both the Medium Realistic Bent and Vixskin Tex do. It’s not as strong of a suction as the Tantus Suction Cup Attachment, but it holds up pretty well. It also melds two suction-cuppy Vixen dildos together at the base quite well, creating your own custom double-ended dildo, for those flexible enough to use these outside of porn. That’s probably how Vixen got the idea for their Nexus.

These two dildos might be on the short side for me, but they’re not exactly slim at 1.6″ wide. Both required lube for me (which isn’t normal for me) and I felt a bit more drag/resistance with the Tex. I thought that the plushness of Vixskin would make a somewhat-girthy dildo easier to accommodate, but the Vixskin material seemed to provide a bit more resistance for me.  I’m not particularly sensitive to textures and I’m not one who finds that firm dildos of a certain design catch on my pubic bone so honestly after insertion….I couldn’t really tell all that much of a difference between the two. There was a slight difference; Tex felt a little more comfortable, a little more blurred-edges. Medium Bent was a bit more noticeable in use. Given the shorter length, I found that Tex worked well for me as a “stationary” dildo in the double-up cuff of my Aslan harness (which can hold in a plug or dildo for the harness wearer). 

For those who notice texture more and especially those who have problems with chiseled dildo heads catching the pubic bone, I would recommend Tex over the Medium Realistic Bent. For those who want to feel everything, go for the Medium Bent. I found that both provided g-spot sensation for me, really well, without being overly large. The Vixen standard silicone does feel more plush than most Tantus single-density silicone, I noticed. Yet both models had a strong enough core that I could apply the pressure that my g-spot needed, unlike the Raquel.

Both the Medium Realistic Bent and Tex are 5.25″ long and 1.6″ wide. If the width is good but you think more length would be better, I’d recommend Woody (6×1.5) for the same design, Leo for a less pronounced head ridge (7×1.5), Mustang for Vixskin and non-realistic colors (6.5×1.5), or Bandit for a slightly tapered Vixskin design that’s highly realistic (boo, balls) (7×1.7).


The Vixen Medium Realistic Bent was provided to me by SheVibe and the Vixskin Tex was provided to me by Vixen, both in exchange for my honest review. You can purchase all Vixen items from either SheVibe or directly from Vixen.


Jul 062014

Hot Octopuss PULSE vibrator for menSkeptic: Converted. I’ll admit, I was skeptical of the Pulse when it first came out – and a small part of that is the company’s name: Hot Octopuss. It doesn’t do it for me. And then somewhere along the line, it got dubbed the “Guybrator” and my eyes rolled out of my head. But I read a few positive reviews, started to rethink things and asked Lovehoney if we could review the Pulse. My cis male husband has enjoyed vibrating objects placed on and around his cock in the past, so I thought that he would at least find it decent for foreplay. What we didn’t expect, however, was for it to work so well. I mean, look at it!  But, don’t knock it til you try it. So far, it’s been used under conditions where one would think that an orgasm would be nearly impossible for him: in a lot of pain from dental work, stressed out, exhausted, even on low sex drive days. He was able to get the release he needed to feel better – and not just a boring release, either. The Pulse vibrator has consistently been able to provide a very powerful and intense orgasm.

The Pulse as a Couples Vibrator

The Pulse performs really well as a solo male masturbatory aid.  But Hot Octopuss felt the need to market it to couples, too.  I can understand that there are perhaps some applications with disability / ED where this could be a good idea, but in practice it doesn’t work for some body types. It does vibrate through the hard plastic material at the back, but not a lot. It’s possible for it to work if both people are of a somewhat thin build, and the clitoris is easily accessed. You’re not supposed to apply a lot of pressure to that vibrating/oscillating pad, so the couples’ uses confuse me; it seems like quite a bit of pressure is going to be applied naturally. But really, since the backside is made of hard plastic and the Pulse isn’t exactly small, trying to use it as a couples’ toy just does not seem….comfortable. The only “couple’s time” the Pulse is seeing for us is the husband using his Pulse and me using my Tango – mutual masturbation.  The Pulse does one thing really well, so let’s just let it shine there, okay?

The Noise Issue

It’s a bit loud. The company is working on fixing that, though. If you live alone or have plenty of totally-alone time to use it, you’re fine but otherwise this isn’t something you can sneak into the bathroom to use unless your house has some ambient noise. For my husband, the noise wasn’t distracting during use. It’s certainly nothing like Hitachi Magic Wand; it doesn’t have the typical high-pitched whine of many sex toys. It’s a very low-pitched rumble. We have A/C units running in our house so when I shut the bedroom room it couldn’t be heard; a TV turned on in a hotel room at a normal volume should be enough to cover up the noise. I’ve heard reports from other users that theirs seems to be louder than the unit we have, but it’s hard to compare sound based on heresay.

Will it Fit?

My husband is girthier than the average and so the silicone wings are a bit spread out on him. The Pulse also slows down the farther the wings are spread. If you spread the wings too far, the motor stops altogether. If you possess a pretty thick cock, bigger than 2″ diameter, you’d do better starting off with the flaccid penis in the Pulse and getting hard that way, rather than trying to open and wrap the Pulse around an already-erect cock. My husband’s cock is not perfectly “round” like most of my dildos, it’s more elliptical shaped, and is about 1.75″ at the widest part of the shaft. He’s also circumcised. The silicone is very “draggy” and there’s ridges on the inside; in short it would require quite a bit of lube to glide smoothly for most if used as a stroking toy. 

Shown below, the Pulse is attached to a Vixen dildo (the Realistic Medium Bent) which is 5.25″ long and 1.6″ wide; in the second photo it’s attached to the Vixen Vixskin Buck which is 6″ long and nearly 2″ wide. In the final photo it’s shown on the Sportsheets Flare dildo which is about 5.75″ long and 1.2″ wide.  I don’t think that the Pulse would work well for a penis less than 4″ long; the overall body of the Pulse is rigid plastic and the entire thing, tip to base, is 4.25″ long with about 3.25″ from the vibrating pad to the bottom edge.

Showing the Pulse on a Vixen Medium Bent Dildo for size reference Showing the Pulse on a Vixen Buck for size reference Showing the Pulse on a Sportsheets Flare dildo for size reference

The Pulse in Use

Hot Octopuss Pulse - Showing the Flexible silicone "wing" portionThe Pulse vibrator can be used solo in two ways – with lube as a stroking toy or without lube as a vibrating toy. Without lube is really how this toy shines, in his opinion. As far as he’s concerned, if you want a stroking toy, get a Tenga or a Fleshlight. But the Pulse brings something entirely different to the party. It’s intense and it’s nothing like sex. There’s no pretending; it’s not trying to feel like vaginal or anal or oral sex. It just feels different. Where you position the oscillating pad is really up to you. The instructions tell you to place it right at the frenulum but when my husband was playing around with it he moved it up and down the shaft of his cock to test out various spots and found that a spot about an inch below his frenulum was where it felt best for him, and the most intense. He also enjoyed being able to masturbate without lube – easier clean-up! 

Personally, I need constant vibration on my clitoris to get off – I hate patterns. But every vibrating sex toy my husband tries, he wishes it had patterns and the Pulse is no exception. For as good as it feels now, he thinks it would feel even better if there were a few patterns….pulses? Make it actually live up to its name?  For him, this would make it even more intense. He already rates the Pulse pretty high but feels that adding a few pulsating patterns would be a significant improvement.  The oscillating pad delivers a deep, penetrating intensity that reminds me of my favorite vibrator, the We-Vibe Tango. If Hot Octopuss were to add in some pulse settings to the Pulse….this might be the penis’ version of the Tango.

To keep it where you want it, a hand is sort of required. Resourceful folks could probably come up with a way to make this hands-free during use for whatever reason. He needed a helping hand to keep the oscillating pad at maximum just-right contact on his cock, pressing lightly from the open side. Those with a cock that is curved toward the belly will need this helping hand more. Some sort of fabric sleeve that snugly can encase the Pulse and penis would work best, I think, to create a hands-free situation.

Cleaning and Water

The Pulse isn’t even splash-proof, which is a big downfall. It not only makes clean-up a little more difficult, but it removes the possibility of using this in the shower. To clean the Pulse you can only use a wet cloth. The charging port is covered by a silicone plug but it doesn’t stay “plugged”, so I can see why it’s not classified as splashproof. It is made of safe materials – silicone and ABS plastic – but the seam between the plastic and the silicone can trap fluids and dirt, so pay attention to that area. On our Pulse, there is a spot where the silicone has pulled away from the plastic farther than it seems it should have, which the company is aware of and would replace if that happens to you.  The units are glued together by hand, which means there will naturally be a bit of human error but they’re quick to respond to customer service issues.

Showing the charging port on the Pulse Visible spot on the Pulse where the silicone has unglued from the hard plastic shell

Should You Buy It?

We think Hot Octopuss’s PULSE is pretty fantastic. I can’t recommend the couples’ toy aspect of it, but I don’t feel that that should ever have been a marketing focus to begin with. The Pulse has, so far,  performed consistently and delivered very powerful orgasms in less time than it would normally take him via manual stimulation. It charges via USB, is smaller to store than a Fleshlight or Tenga Flip Hole, and in short just feels great. If you require a quiet vibrator, then keep an eye out for their redesign. For my UK friends, you can get it here.


Thanks to Lovehoney for hooking us up with the Pulse, a great sex toy for men! Lovehoney has a 100 day return policy so if you don’t love it, send it back.

A special note about purchasing from my links in this review: Most of these links will take you to, their US Site, but Lovehoney is still based in the UK. It needs to be noted that when a US customer orders from, the package will be sent from the UK – and this means customs forms. I wanted to point this out because of the discretion issue – there will be wording visible that might bother some – it will say “Novelty items” and for some people, that’s enough to raise an eyebrow if others receive your package for you.Or maybe not! It’s not enough for me personally to have any issues, but I did have two readers contact me who were just feeling a little extra shifty about it, given their living situation. If you want any more information on this or have any concerns please email me or contact me on Reddit.

 Posted by at 12:01 pm