Jun 112017
 

Crave Bullet Vibe Stainless Steel with Silicone Cap off to the sideSome sex toys are multi-purpose, and others are good for just one thing – the Crave Bullet is a very decent bullet if you’re buying it to replace the short, watch-battery cheap bullets that come with things like cock rings, dildos, etc. But if you’re looking for an external, rechargeable vibrator? You can do better.

The Good

Crave is pushing for this bullet like a bad infomercial: why spend money on all these batteries when you can have just one rechargeable Crave Bullet? I imagine the infomercial would feature folks fumbling with stacking and dropping in the button-sized batteries, or spinning the battery racks at the store looking in vain for the type they need.

Is it better than watch-battery bullets? Yep. It is definitely a decent upgrade in both power and rumble. This isn’t to say it’s a powerhouse, just that it is better than what they’re comparing it to.

Not only is the Crave Bullet made from quality steel, but it’s waterproof, rechargeable and more rumbly and powerful than the bullets it aims to replace. It’s not vastly overpriced if you get the simple silver-tone vs the strange duo-tone or gold-plated version. I can get behind this for a bullet replacement when it’s priced at $59, but not at $99. It is really well-made, though. I’m impressed.

The inset button means that this Bullet won’t get accidentally turned on whether it’s floating in your bag or you’re trying to push the bullet inside the cavity of a vibrating butt plug. Smart!

The Bad

The motor isn’t perfect for me even though it is probably identical to the Vesper motor. What worked about the Vesper, for me, was the slender, super-pinpoint nature and warm heat function. When you put the same motor in the less-pinpoint Bullet it feels a bit “less” to me, and I have to work harder to get off with it.  I’m sure you’re wondering:  why is the motor “bad”? Isn’t it just bad for me, Lilly, but maybe it’s great for you, dear reader? Very good question, I’m so glad you asked!

While the Crave Bullet is a really decent upgrade in strength from the cheap watch-battery bullets it still doesn’t have the oomph to travel through a lot of silicone. I put it inside a Tantus vibrating dildo and was instantly underwhelmed with the vibrations traveling through the silicone dildo. If you’re using this is in something much smaller like a cock ring or prostate massager / butt plug? It’s an upgrade you can feel. I put also put this in the Tantus Prostate Play and, while it’s still a lot less powerful and rumbly than some rechargeable, vibrating items on the market, it was an upgrade over the included bullet from Tantus.

You sensed a “but”, right? Here’s the “but”:  Yes it’s an upgrade but there’s already an upgrade on the market which is loads better – the Tango. Unfortunately, I cannot help comparing all rechargeable bullets to my ultimate love, the We-Vibe Tango. Tango performs really well when replacing a bullet in another sex toy, and should be your choice if the sex toy takes the longer Tantus bullets or the Rocks Off RO-80mm bullet.  Why? Well, you ideally want a bullet that fills the whole cavity in the sex toy, for maximum performance and maximum vibration transference. The Screaming O Vooom, pictured below in pink, I think is also meant to replace these little bullets but it’s just a little bit too chunky to fit in the cavity of most sex toys. That said, the Screaming O Vooom is considerably more powerful and rumbly than the Crave Bullet – Still no Tango, but hey.

L to R: Tantus 1 Speed, Crave, Screaming O Vooom, Tango, Tantus 3 Speed (RO-80mm)

L to R: Tantus 1 Speed, Crave, Screaming O Vooom, Tango, Tantus 3 Speed (RO-80mm)

The Strange

The Crave Bullet comes with a silicone half-sleeve. They recommend donning this sleeve when you use it externally; for the texture improvement, supposedly. Yet a “feature” of the Crave Bullet is that it heats up. A heated vibrator can help wake up a sleepy clitoris, but only if the silicone sleeve is left off. Otherwise, you won’t feel the heat much.

You would expect the entire bottom portion, especially the tip, to vibrate evenly, right? I would. But the Crave Bullet has stronger vibrations along the sides than the flat tip. If you look at this design and see yourself applying the flat tip to yourself, you’ll want to look elsewhere. If you think you’d like to use the edge of the tip, probably still look elsewhere – unless of course you don’t need a ton of power. If you prefer mild-to-moderate vibrators, this motor will be just fine for you.

Which Sex Toys are Compatible?

I wanted to find out at least a partial list of sex toys that take a similarly sized bullet. According to customer support at Crave:

“The Crave bullet is designed to fit products that accept a standard size plastic bullet which is generally less than 65mm in length. We do not have a specific product list of items that fit Crave bullet since the plastic bullet is a common size. If a product will accept a standard plastic bullet it will fit the Crave bullet.”

After speaking with SheVibe and Tantus, though, I have a better idea with specific suggestions. Vamp Silicone dildos do occasionally come as a vibrating dildo, and they use the smaller bullets. SheVibe currently doesn’t have any in stock, but may in the future. Vixen Creations is the same; one current example is the Leo or Mistress. Fuze seems to be compatible as well. You’ll also run into this bullet size in vibrating cock rings, but for this kind of money you’d be better off just upgrading to a rechargeable cock ring.

 

Thanks to SheVibe for sending me the Crave Bullet in exchange for my honest, if picky, review.

 

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Jun 072017
 

Maybe I’m off my game. Maybe I’m too optimistic, but I really wanted the HIKY to be good. I thought that it could combine the sensations of the Womanizer with the appeal of a traditional vibrator so that folks could always find something to like about it. I scoffed at the terms “suction” and “vacuum” because I’ve seen those terms used to describe the Womanizer or Satisfyer and have been told they’re inaccurate for those items (and have never felt either applied, personally, either). I didn’t expect to end up screaming, terrified and fearing literal bloodshed.

Yes, I truly mean literally, unlike half of the people on social media these days.

Update before we get much farther: I couldn’t find any other reviews, at first, of this sex toy so the owners of SheVibe were going to test it for themselves to see if the clit-trap issue was unique to me or a true flaw with the toy. That’s above-and-beyond, folks. But then a Danish reviewer commented on my IG post and said she had the same thing happen to her! Google translate is awful so I’m not sure if it happened to her because the battery also died out during use, or what, but one other report of this problem was enough for SheVibe to pull it from their site. They don’t fuck around with their customers safety, and that’s one reason I love them so.

HIKY is the second time I’ve tried a true clitoral suction toy; the first being the not-a-sex-toy Fiera Arouser. HIKY and Fiera are such opposites – Fiera was so mild you weren’t sure anything was happening, while HIKY can’t be ignored. At first, HIKY was delivering unpleasant suck-and-release pulses. The suction didn’t feel arousing and the release was reminiscent of when someone uses their thumb and forefinger to flick you – sharp and painful. I started blindly fiddling with the out-of-sight buttons and eventually turned on the vibrating portion of the clitoral head. Also, I tried to get a better seal, I think? I’m not entirely sure – I wasn’t paying strict attention to what I was doing because this was just a quick trial run and I was curious. But then we moved from suck-and-release to straight suction and things got dicey.

The motor died out and quit during the suction action, and suddenly the HIKY was stuck to my genitals like a mechanical lamprey.  I tried to rock the HIKY to one side to release the painful suction; nothing happened but a feeling of intense pulling on my clitoris. I tried to gently push down on my vulva, using my fingers, near the vacuum hole to release pressure. Nothing happened. The pain increased. I couldn’t tell if the suction was increasing despite the motor being off or if my panic and pain just made it seem that way. I had flashes of That Scene where someone sticks their tongue against a frozen metal pole. The pain of trying to pry the HIKY off of my clitoris was intense and frightening – I truly thought I was going to cause actual damage to myself. The two minutes my clit was in this Chinese fingertrap of a sex toy felt like an hour. My husband was outside mowing the lawn; I thought I was going to have to waddle to the back door with the HIKY dangling from my vulva like a rotted dick and somehow get his attention to come help me. Luckily, I managed to remove it myself.

Silly me for doing a quick test before errands! The car ride was pretty uncomfortable for another half hour or so. I’d been wondering if the name was pronounced “hike-y” or “hickey” and now my days of wondering are gone – pretty sure I landed myself an uncomfortable suction bruising.

Unlike many sex toys on the market over $75, the HIKY has no exaggerrated set of warnings for use. I don’t know if the unit is defective, if I fucked up, or the whole shebang should be wiped from existence because nobody fucking prototype-tested this abomination. I have a feeling that the suck-and-release stopped releasing as the battery started dying on me suddenly – and it died in the suction part of the cycle, leaving me literally stuck. The vacuum suction of the HIKY should ideally have a release valve for situations like mine, yet it doesn’t. Every other vacuum suction pump on the market, even the cheapest CalExotics model, has a release valve.

Because maybe this hasn’t deterred you; maybe you enjoy having your clitoris hoovered into oblivion or maybe you feel certain I was Doing It Wrong and you’ll perfect it – so I do need to tell you about the other features the HIKY has (or, doesn’t have).

Soft, silicone mouth

I have a small clitoral head and not a lot of hood exposed, combined with fat outer labia and minimal inner labia. Due to the width of the suction side (2ish inches) and how flat it is I had to spread my outer labia to a point of discomfort plus smush everything down like an unruly cowlick. They talk about the “mouth” almost like it’s a Fleshlight mouth, but don’t get your hopes up. It’s “soft” in the way powdery, smooth skin is “soft”, not plush squishy soft.

Internal vibrator

They promised strong vibrations and failed to deliver. I’m not exactly surprised because pretty much every vibrator company promises riduclously strong vibrations and only a few brands have lived up to their promises. I like a g-spot vibrator to have a larger head than the body but the HIKY is shaped very much like an antique carved horn. They don’t give you much room to work with if you want to insert it and still have access to the buttons. The width goes from 1″-2″ but you’ll never get to 2″ if you stop short of the buttons. Holding it this way is also incredibly uncomfortable and even with the buttons outside of the vagina, they’re hard to reach.

Pinpoint external vibrator

Please, stop, you’re embarassing yourself. The carved-horn design should in theory mean that the insertable end also works well as a more pinpoint, external vibrator except that the vibrations are, again, underwhelming. It’s not reason enough to buy this sex toy. It’s them trying to squeeze out as many jobs as possible, like a really bad infomercial – because we all know it’s not worth it to have single-job tools that do their job well, ho no. The world needs more mediocre does-everything-but-wash-your-clothes tools, right?

The "mouth" of the HIKY

I’m at the point in my sex toy reviewing career where, to be honest, I often don’t even have to use a vibrator multiple times to get a really good understanding of it and know my opinion. But I do it anyways because our bodies are different day-to-day and maybe mine was having a cranky day. But this time I won’t be using the HIKY again. Nope. It’s possible that what happened to me was a one-off and that my clitoris will never again be stuck but the trauma of that event was intense and I cannot bring myself to test this again for you – I can definitely say that I disliked it even before it tried to swallow part of my genitals and I feel very certain with my assertion that you shouldn’t buy this.  If you want air pulses, get a Womanizer. If you want a vibrator, get a vibrator – L’amourose Prism V is awesome for both external and internal use. If you want to explore clit pumps, get something silicone like this. Do NOT get this one from CalExotics (also called the Clitopatra elsewhere), reports say it’s also dangerous. Just don’t buy the HIKY. Given my experience SheVibe removed this from their site, because they don’t like to stock sex toys that can harm you (for obvious reasons). If you’re coming to this review and considering purchasing it elsewhere, well….I just can’t give you my blessing. There are a lot of sex toys on the market that I’d recommend before the HIKY which I like about as much as I liked the Rockbox Finger.

 

Thanks to SheVibe for giving me the HIKY in exchange for this review whose purpose will serve to warn and protect and also ensure that my top 10 worst sex toys list next year will have worthy entries.

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Apr 302017
 

Sensevibe Warm with charging caseThe SenseVibe Warm had a strange advantage right out of the gate: You all know how picky I am, but did you know that there’s one thing that can pique my interest despite all jaded misgivings? 

Cool storage.

Yeah, I know, I know. But I like cases, pouches, bags and totes. I’ve been suckered into buying makeup I don’t need because it’s a kit and comes with cool storage. I’ve fallen for this marketing trick in the past with sex toys; I’d gleefully gone after the long-deceased Topco Vida line because it came with a pocketed pouch AND a mini zippered train-case-style bag only to be massively disappointed in the quality of, well, everything about the set. I even felt swayed a little by the Barbie pink Womanizer case because it was handy and functional and had pockets. Pockets make everything better, yes?? YES.

Casing the Joint

The SenseMax SenseVibe charges through a closed case for discretion – plug the case in (thankfully using standard micro-USB) and then lay the vibe inside the case and shut the lid. If I had to find a complaint about the case it would be that the magnets holding the lid shut aren’t strong enough to use this as a travel carrying case. If it gets turned upside down or jostled in your bag the vibrator will just fall out. For stationary purposes, though, it’s a good case. The vibe nestles in there perfectly, yet is easy to pluck out.

The SenseVibe Warm and open charging case

Since you’re buying a vibrator, though, and not a storage case, I hate to tell you this (spoiler alert): the case is the best attribute of the SenseVibe for me. I wanted to like this vibrator; even though I was pretty certain it wouldn’t fit my anatomy, I still could have loved it for people who aren’t me. Alas.

Shopping in the Petite Department

The SenseVibe is designed and marketed as a dual-stimulation G-spot & clitoral vibrator. Since vulvas come in various configurations there are definitely some folks out there whose clitoris is close enough to their vaginal opening for this design to possibly work. You have to know this about yourself to know if this is gonna work for you, and the Sensevibe’s clitoral nub is definitely way too short for me. Combine the shortness with a lack of flex in any way in the clitoral nub AND the fact that the nub aims away from the clitoris and it feels like it’s going to work only for a specific portion of the population – those with a clitoris close to the vaginal opening who also don’t need super-rumbly powerful vibrations externally. I was able to angle the vibe to get close-ish to my clitoris and provide the pressure I need but then the internal arm was pressing against the rear vaginal wall and away from my g-spot. Not good.

Comparing the SenseVibe to the L'amourose Denia

If you like the idea of a base that doesn’t put the buttons 2 inches away from your body but feel that the base of the L’amourose Rosa/Denia may be too chunky and cumbersome, then the design of the SenseVibe would be right up your alley if everything else lines up. There’s not much to hold on to with the Sensevibe, but it’s within easier reach. If I angled the Sensevibe so that it makes contact with my g-spot, making the clitoral nub far enough away from my body to allow for a smaller clitoral vibe to also be used, I could use this as a g-spot vibrator. I’m all for using sex toys outside of the prescribed use but only if it does the job as well as or better than other things that are otherwise designed for the job. I feel like there are better g-spot-specific vibrators on the market that won’t get in the way of whatever clitoral vibe you want to use.

Sizewise the shaft is a bit petite – larger than the Prism V, smaller than Rosa or Denia yet it lacks that obscene curve or pronounced head that my g-spot likes best. For me, it’s the very definition of “meh”. Tepid. Neither offensive or awesome.

Captain Crunch

There’s a good amount of flex at the base of the internal shaft, much like the L’amourose Rosa or Denia. It can flex in any direction. Even though I really like rigid things up against my g-spot (which makes me prefer the L’amorouse Prism V over my first love, the Rosa Rouge, for g-spot stimulation), I really like flex action for dual-stimulation vibrators to ensure a wider range of fit. However…there’s a disconcerting crinkle-y crunch-y sound when I flex the SenseVibe – and I’m certain I’m not purposely over-flexing it. It concerns me for longevity reasons, primarily. I’m worried about what exactly is causing this sound and will repeated flexings cause a wire to dislodge or break or something? I don’t know. It does have a one-year warranty, though this is a seemingly new company.

You Push the Button, We do the Rest1

The travel lock on the buttons is nice, and a feature that is shared by L’amourose; there are no seams and it is 100% silicone on the exterior, so it is waterproof.

The center button only changes modes2 but there is no “rapid off” feature – you just press the minus button until the vibrations work their way down the scale to nothing. Note: According to the minimalist user manual that is literally part of the box, you should be able to press and hold either the minus or center button to get it to turn off, but this has yet to work out for me. Similar to the L’amourose Rosa Rouge, though, you CAN press and hold the center button to allow the internal shaft to warm up before you start using it.

Speaking of buttons; since they control the motor I’m gonna say that this is the best section to briefly compare and contrast the vibrations. The internal shaft is damn near as rumbly as the L’amourose Denia or Rouge motor – a hair less intense overall (but still quite powerful). It feels more rumbly than That Brand I Won’t Recommend. Like many dual-motor vibrators, there can be dissonance when both motors are running, leaving you with this weird semi-pulsating feel that can be distracting to some. Because the vibrations in the clitoral nub aren’t very strong I don’t feel much vibration in my hand when holding it.  There is one faintly glittering star in this cloudy sky: The vibrators of the clitoral nub aren’t buzzy and numbing. They may not be nearly enough for me but they’re not awful.

It Coulda Been a Contender

I admittedly have a hard time reviewing sex toys completely of their own merit and not comparing them to what I currently own. Would I be this nitpicky if I hadn’t tried the L’amourose line, or the We-Vibe Nova? Price is playing a factor here, too, because the SenseVibe starts at $129 for the “Classic” version. Many folks can only afford a couple sex toys of this cost in their lifetime.

While I know that many people feel that the dual-stimulation, or “rabbit”, vibe is the Holy Grail because it’s two sex toys in one, I hate them because each one is fairly unlikely to hit all your spots unless you have created 3D life-size cast of your vulva AND vagina and know for sure that the measurements will line up for you. So I’m really confused about SenseMax’s decision to only make a dual-stimulation vibe AND for it to have such a short clitoral stimulation section which cannot be adjusted in any way for better fit. I really enjoy the powerful, rumbling vibrations of the internal shaft and I like the button placement over the L’amourose Rosa or Denia. But these two things, plus the charging case, aren’t enough for me to love this vibrator. I can love a vibrator with some flaws, and this is not a bad vibrator but it doesn’t make me want to write poetry about it.

Comparing the SenseVibe to the L'amourose Rosa and Denia

So far SheVibe only carries one item from SenseMax, the SenseVibe (Classic or Warm). I went to the SenseMax website to find out more about their products and it seems the brand is heavily leaning towards virtual reality stuff with their masturbator, wristband (???) and VR goggles. There is an app, Sense Lovers, but it is strangely not in the Google Play app store. The company explains that “unfortunately due to the nature of the content on the app we are not able to be listed in either app store. We sincerely hope Apple and Google will soon reconsider their attitudes towards adult entertainment.” And I’m confused. There are apps for We-Vibe, Ohmibod, and more. Exactly how is the Sense Lovers App so different that not even Google Play store will allow it? I wasn’t willing to find out because I’m not a fan of installing apps outside of the app store, which is what is required here. I also don’t like using apps with my sex toys, so it’s no loss to me on this one. 

In the end, I don’t feel like I can recommend the SenseVibe Warm to most people. Sure, the SenseVibe Warm is much more reasonably priced ($149) than the L’amourose Rouge Denia ($209) BUT the L’amourose Denia has a design I can enjoy with rumbling motors on both shafts and I feel it’s likely to fit a larger percentage of folks. Since the warming feature is only present on the internal arm of the SenseVibe Warm I feel like if you’re considering this design you should just opt for the less expensive SenseVibe Classic, priced at $129. The heat isn’t enough to really feel when it’s in your vag – it didn’t earn the slang term “hot box” for nothing-  but the heat on the shaft is lovely when used externally. Again, though, it’s not comfy or logical to use it that way. SenseMax could definitely be on the map for rumbling, powerful vibrators if only they could improve and expand their designs.

Also: No, I don’t know why it’s called the SenseVibe. There is no “sensing” of anything here. There’s no AI, no VR, it’s just a vibrator and I’m really confused.

 

Many thanks to SheVibe for sending me this in exchange for my very honest review. I feel like the brand is on the cusp of perhaps branching out into something really cool, so keep an eye on SenseMax.

 

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  1. Quote attributed to George Eastman
  2. You can have both motors on, or just internal or just external, and then the rest of the settings employ various patterns which I’ve naturally skipped
Feb 072017
 

Satisfyer 2 Review

This is my 3rd Satisfyer review in as many days and I feel like the Satisfyer 2’s theme song should be “I Can’t Get No (Satisfaction)”. Due to my love of the Womanizer PRO40, in large part because of the up and down intensity navigation buttons, you would think that I’d be recommending the Satisfyer 2 over the Satisfyer 1 (or any Satisfyer model), right?  However, button placement is equally important to me and if I can’t hold the thing ergonomically/easily and still access the buttons in use, what good are they? This, my dear readers, was my biggest disappointment in the Satisfyer 2. Before I got it in my hands I was excited that least one Satisfyer model was made “right” but then they proved that there’s no prototyping or research done before they pick a strange design. If someone had done research they would have understood how dumb is it to have these buttons alllll the way down at the bottom (head). Oddly, though, I still find the Satisfyer 2 is slightly easier to hold and control than the Womanizer Deluxe W500.

Compared to the Satisfyer 1, the Satisfyer 2 is a few dollars more and also powered by 2 AAA batteries. The batteries, and the pressure-wave function, are where the similarities end. They couldn’t be more different!

Pro/Con List

The Satisfyer 2 has a gender-neutral color scheme that at first, I liked – I admit, I’m a sucker for copper accents. I like rosy, champagne-gold colors. But overall, the more I looked at it, the boxy Satisfyer 2 controlsdesign and color scheme is very 1970s-basement-rec-room. If you squint, it can look like the Nike logo or a straight-stem pipe. As I’ve already bitched about right out of the gate, those damn navigation buttons are down by the head vs farther up the handle. The buttons don’t have a bright, LED glow, so, hey, that’s a plus.

But the Satisfyer 2 is also the loudest of the bunch, by far. The Satisfyer 1, Satisfyer Pro 2 (updated), Satisfyer Pro Penguin and terrible Satisfyer Pro Deluxe all purr like a kitten compared to the clunky Satisfyer 2. Even when the nozzle is completely covered up and sealed, the Satisfyer 2 rattles loudly enough to make you cringe in a quiet house. If discretion during use is important to you, definitely do not go with this model.

Bigger Nozzle

Satisfyer 2 nozzleCompared to the Satisfyer Pro Penguin and Pro Deluxe, this nozzle seems large. Yet compared to the pillow-y style of the Satisfyer Pro 2 or Satisfyer 1, it seems small (and definitely small compared to the Womanizer). When we go by caliper measurements, though, the inside diameter of this nozzle seems to be the biggest of the bunch. You’ll see these numbers in the chart in the Comparison Guide. This larger opening can be good for folks with a larger clitoris OR for folks who want to be sure the nozzle head doesn’t touch the sides of their clitoris. I have nearly no inner labia and a small, buried clitoris; the nozzle on the Satisfyer 2 wasn’t uncomfortable but I did struggle a little to get a good seal. When I did? Whoa, baby.

Luckily I haven’t had issues with this nozzle coming loose easily, like I do with the Satisfyer Pro Penguin or Pro Deluxe.

The Motor

Proof that the batteries don’t matter, the Satisfyer 2’s motor is way more intense than the Satisfyer 1; in fact, it ranks up there with the most intense motor of all models. Only the Satisfyer Pro 2 can compete (under water, the Satisfyer Pro 2 beats the Satisfyer 2 by a lot). Perhaps because the distance from tip of the nozzle to back of the body is bigger than most models, it does feel more “thuddy” and gives stronger “tapping” sensations on the low to medium settings, while still devolving into manic, white noise at the upper-most levels of intensity in true Satisfyer fashion.

When you have a motor this intense it feels even more necessary to have those extra buttons that allow you to navigate the intensity settings in both directions, versus pushing a single button 20 times to get back down to level 2 if you find level 3 is too much for you. Even though the power button sometimes acts up and is non-responsive, the dual navigation buttons respond to an easy touch, which is a plus.

Other Quirks and Thoughts

Satisfyer’s ad copy states that this model “cannot be missing from any toiletry bag”. At 7 inches long, that’s gonna take up a lot of room in a toiletry bag! I’m also not sure what the difference in build quality is between the Satisfyer 2 and 1, but the batteries tend to rattle around in the Satisfyer 2. This may lend a bit to the overall noise level.

I’m disappointed in this version, but I’m also being incredibly picky. If the noise factor and button location doesn’t bother you, and you really feel that you, like me, need the extra plus and minus intensity navigation buttons, this is a begrudging green-light to buy this if you can’t yet afford the superior Womanizer PRO40.  I will forever curse the button placement on the Satisfyer 2 because it coulda been a contender.

If you’d like more detailed comparisons between all Womanizer and Satisfyer models, as well as detailed specs on this and every model, head over to the Womanizer vs Satisfyer Comparison Guide:

Womanizer vs Satisyfer Comparison Guide

tl;dr:  Yay: Dual navigation buttons plus a power button; very intense Meh: Takes 2 AAA, not included; nozzle may be a bit large for some. Nay: Loud as fuck, buttons are terribly placed, body is not ergonomic to hold and is very long.

Better than: Satisfyer Pro Deluxe, Womanizer Deluxe (W500)
Worse than: Womanizer PRO40, Satisfyer 1, Womanizer W100
On Par with: Satisfyer Pro Penguin, Satisyfer Pro 2

 

Thanks to Shevibe for sending me the Satisfyer 2 in exchange for my honest review. There are many retailers you can shop with but I recommend Shevibe over them all; they have the best customer service and overall pricing/selection. They’ve been in business for over 10 years and can be relied upon for discreet shipping!

 

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 Posted by at 7:06 am
Feb 062017
 

Satisfyer 1The cheapest in price, the Satisfyer 1 is battery-powered and simple. The silicone nozzle head is the one that is the most similar to the Satisfyer Pro 2 (and the Womanizer line) – it is large, fits securely over the plastic head guide, and appears to be more comfortable due to its fat shape and curved edges. It actually has one up on the Womanizer line – the edges of the silicone nozzle that are in contact with your vulva are rounded and a bit fat, versus the more defined edge of the Womanizer line. Since both are a medium-firm silicone I find both styles to be equally comfortable.

How picky can a person really be about cheap sex toys? Pretty damn picky, if you’re me. To date, my favorite pressure-air clitoral stimulation sex toy is the Womanizer PRO40 due to its price and features but the affordability of the Satisfyer line of copycats is irresistible to others. For some, they simply cannot make themselves buy a sex toy named “Womanizer”, and I get that.  And maybe you don’t expect a lot from a sex toy priced under $35, but maybe you do. I’m here to assume that you don’t want the flowery prose of marketing copy and instead want to know every flaw (or feature) so that you can make an informed decision.  I’ve tried to read the ad copy and figure out what they mean when they say that “The curved head on this pressure wave vibrator creates never-experienced-before climaxes”, especially when it’s said about every model, each with a different head. I don’t think there’s any logic, to be honest.

While this review is important and thorough, the Womanizer vs Satisfyer Comparison Guide is equally important to help you decide which model to get. Check it out after you’re done here:

Womanizer vs Satisfyer Comparison Guide photo

Picky Concerns

I’m not sure why, but the Satisfyer 1 has a strange, green glow from within during use. In the dark, I could see this green glow escaping through the seams in the plastic body which really concerned me. I mean, sure, it does possibly add to the illusion that you’re using some sort of futuristic/outer space thing on your bits, but if the seams are too wide, then I worry about build quality and longevity. The seams in the body are so cheaply done that when I ran a fingernail in one crease to clean dried lube out of it, I noticed it lifting slightly and could hear the distinct sound of dried glue crackling. Eek! Also glowing is the single control button – bright enough white LED to read by, if you wanted to. You wouldn’t, but you could. At least it’s facing away from you, unlike the brightly glowing button on the Satisyfer Pro Penguin. Fine for solo play, annoying as fuck for partner play if you’re in a semi-dark to dark room. All I’m saying is that the Satisfyer buttons are the brightest in the business.

I don’t like the button placement; it’s way down at the bottom, on the backside of the head which means it’s awkward for me to use. Not everyone will share this opinion and many who are more flexible than me simply won’t care. 

Batteries Not Included

Unlike other pressure-wave sex toys we’ve seen so far the Satisfyer 1 takes 2 AAA batteries and says you’ll get approximately 2 hours of use time out of this. I set mine at medium and got at least 2 hours from my batteries1. Since many folks will be able to orgasm more quickly with this type of sex toy, your use-time per-orgasm is potentially less than many budget vibrators. However, the cost of batteries will add up over time. If buying a big pack of AAA batteries for around $10 (this 24-pack will get you 24 hours of run-time) is more doable for your budget than increasing your sex toy budget by $25 to get to a half-decent rechargeable model, and you don’t mind lower-quality construction and single-button controls, I can’t really complain too much about the Satisfyer 1. You may get more orgasms per battery, though, from the Satisfyer 2.

Engine Room

Let’s talk briefly about the motor. Honestly, I didn’t expect much from a battery-powered pressure-wave sex toy. It’s not that all battery-powered sex toys are weak, but I’ve always retained a healthy dose of skepticism from the start when it comes to this variety of sex toy. The intensity of the Satisfyer 1 is a little more than the Satisfyer Pro Penguin, more than the Womanizer W100, and somewhat weaker than the rest. The upper intensity levels lose their “thuddy” “tapping” sensations more quickly than other Satisfyer models such as the Satisfyer 2 or Pro 2, instead turning buzzy like a vibrator. This may be related to the overall length from the motor to the tip, like I discussed in the review for the Satisfyer Pro Penguin. In the large spreadsheet at the Comparison Guide this measurement is listed as “tip to back”, and the Satisfyer 1 is the 3rd shortest distance, with the shortest going to the Satisfyer Pro Penguin and Pro Deluxe.

Satisfyer 1 has a more-than-reasonable price point at $31 from Shevibe and I feel like we can’t expect too much from something so inexpensive. It’s basic and does what it came to do. Even if it doesn’t last, at this price point you probably can afford to replace it if the warranty is too much of a pain in the ass. Yes, there is a warranty, but I don’t have details beyond the information here.

tl:dr: Yay: Good shape, comfy nozzle, not extremely intense, very affordable Meh: Brightly glowing LED button; not as “thuddy” or intense as other models; takes 2 AAA batteries, not included Nay: Crappy button placement; lacks the superior up/down navigation buttons, build quality probably low

Better than: Satisfyer Pro Deluxe, Womanizer Deluxe Pro (W500), Satisfyer Pro Penguin
Worse than: Womanizer PRO40, Satisyfer Pro 2, Satisfyer 2
On Par with: Womanizer W100

 

Thanks to Shevibe for sending me the Satisfyer 1 in exchange for my honest review. There are many retailers you can shop with but I recommend Shevibe over them all; they have the best customer service and overall pricing/selection. They’ve been in business for over 10 years and can be relied upon for discreet shipping!

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  1. tbh I gave up after 2 hours, that was way past my attention span for babysitting a running device
 Posted by at 7:04 pm
Feb 052017
 

Satisfyer Pro PenguinThe Satisfyer Pro Penguin is cute, I can’t deny it. It could be considered the most “femme” of all the Satisfyer designs, and it’s also the smallest. As I write the reviews on the Satisfyer models, and see others rate the Pro Penguin favorably, I wonder if I’m perhaps being too picky. And then I realize it’s coming from a place of having tried, and loved, a brand that simply did a much better job all around. Try as I might I cannot erase the comparisons from my brain and judge the Pro Penguin on its own merits, or faults. I’m doing my best, though. For a quick n dirty pro/con list and comparison vs other models, scroll down. For an in-depth (maybe too in-depth?) comparison guide complete with detailed specs chart, visit the Womanizer vs Satisfyer Comparison Guide (which will be updated to show the new models no later than 2.7.17)

Womanizer vs Satisfyer Comparison Guide photo

Strange Buttons, Strange Body

The Satisfyer Pro Penguin adds in a useless power button piggybacking on the same silicone button carriage as the intensity button; Satisfyer 1 and Pro Deluxe have a single button, whereas Pro 2 has separate power and intensity buttons and 2 has power as well as two intensity navigation buttons. It makes it hard to figure out where to press with the Pro Penguin when you’re not paying attention. It requires a long, firm button press to turn it off – terrible for when you need to turn the thing off NOW NOW NOW and don’t want to remove it from your vulva while it’s on thereby increasing the noise level. Another small gripe I have is about the body design: all other Satisyfer models, and Womanizer models, have a nozzle head that is basically at a right angle from the handle. With the Satisfyer Pro Penguin, the angle is less severe; meaning that the toy body is angled somewhat more away from your body. At least the power button is on the front side and closer to the end, so it’s not a total game-ruining design. But between the small nozzle head and strange angle I find I have a harder time keeping full contact over my clitoris with the Satisfyer Pro Penguin versus other models that have a big, wide silicone nozzle – the Satisfyer 1, Pro 2, and all Womanizers.

If the motor and nozzle head were more to my liking, I’d recommend the Satisfyer Pro Penguin for folks who prefer to masturbate sitting up; the small body and strange angle actually make it work for those situations. When I’m using the larger items like Womanizer PRO40 or Satisfyer Pro 2 I get the best results if I’m laying down or mostly reclined.

Penguin also has the same, glowing LED button as the Satisfyer 1 and Pro Deluxe, but it doesn’t have that strange, tech-y green glow inside. Maybe you want your sex toys to have that 1980’s glow, I don’t know. There’s also something … interesting to note about the brightly glowing power button on the Penguin – the Penguin is the only model with a button on what I call the “front side” of the body – the side facing your body. If you are a slender person using the Satisfyer Pro Penguin in the dark, well, you may be blinded by the light. Or at least give a really good scare to someone who may walk in on you using the Penguin in the dark, as your face will be lit up from below like you’re telling a scary campfire story about a rogue arm scratching the car roof.

Terrible Nozzle Head

Penguin is small, travel-friendly, and rechargeable but shares a flaw with the Satisfyer Pro Deluxe: a tiny, easy-to-lose and easy-to-displace silicone nozzle head. If you lose the silicone nozzle on these, they will be extremely uncomfortable to use. I know because I tried – well, “tried” indicates I did it on purpose. I didn’t. By the time I slid the Penguin in my pants the silicone nozzle was displaced and I spent 10 minutes wondering why it was so pinchy.  Also: the nozzle opening is square. Why. There’s nothing angular or square about my vulva. Also also: if the nozzle comes off you will need light and two non-slippery hands to get the nozzle back in place. It only fits in correctly one way, like a puzzle piece, but it may take you a few tries to get everything lined up. With the Womanizer heads, or the Satisfyer 1, 2, or Pro 2, it’s a lot easier. I can’t tell you how many times the silicone nozzle head has come off; it’s become my largest gripe about the Pro Penguin.

Satisfyer Pro Penguin and Pro Deluze have very tiny silicone nozzles, shown in the photo each on one of my fingers

Another factor about the short-canal and tiny-nozzle-head thing: you’ll have to clean the inside of the nozzle more often, and it’ll be difficult. When I use the Womanizers, the nozzle head is more than just the external portion. The canal of the nozzle offers protection of the unit meaning I only have had to remove the silicone nozzle and clean that, versus cleaning the entire inside of the thing.

Nozzle head measurements (and measurements of everything else) will be updated in the Womanizer vs Satisfyer Comparison page. (don’t go there yet, though, I’ll update the table & guide in a day or so)

Satisfyer Pro Penguin Motor

So you want to know how it FEELS, right? All of these nuisances during use and whining about design aside, I still have to tell you about the motor. I’ll be honest, I assumed at first that they would all feel the same. And figuring out how they all feel relative to each other is damn difficult – they feel best when you’re aroused, but then you’re aroused and maybe can’t get to test each one before you’re about to orgasm. For me to really get the best idea of how one compares to another I had to quickly swap them out. This means I either leave them all running at once, next to me on the bed, or deal with my clit’s short-term memory. Since having them all running on low at the same time sounded like a herd of idling motorcycles, I had to nix that idea. Anyways…

I’d say the Pro Penguin compares best with the original Womanizer W100 in terms of intensity. The Satisfyer 2 and Pro 2 are much more intense, and the Satisfyer 1 is a little more intense.

I think I may have cracked a code; I think that the smaller/shorter the nozzle head, the less intense the overall sensations will be. The longer, larger heads give you more “tapping” sensations and discernible pulses of pressure-air whereas the smaller and shorter heads have less oomph and waves. And while the motor of the Pro Penguin is similar in intensity to the Womanizer W100, the addition of a few upper intensity levels surpass the much-loved “thumping” and “tapping” and “waves” sensations and just move straight into something that mimics a buzzy vibrator – pretty much like every other Satisfyer model.

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A lot of folks want to know if I’d recommend the much cheaper ($55) Satisfyer Pro Penguin over the Womanizer PRO40 ($99), and I can’t in comparison. It’s cute and small, and many may like it aesthetically over the other Satisfyer models or pretty much any Womanizer. Penguin isn’t the worst you can do, but the flaws I’ve found are deal-breakers for me and I probably won’t ever reach for this one on my own. If I were forced to pick Satisfyers to recommend overall I’d pick the Satisfyer Pro 2 for it’s comfortable head, despite it’s noise and awkward buttons. Then the Satisfyer 2 for the intensity navigation buttons, and finally the Satisfyer 1 for the newbie pick. None of these stack up to the Womanizer PRO40 but as of this writing the PRO40 has been out of stock at nearly every retailer and I’m not sure when it’s coming back.

Stick around, the reviews on Satisfyer products will be coming at you quickly, and then Comparison Guide will also be updated this week!

tl:dr: Yay: Cute, small, rechargeable Meh: Brightly glowing LED button; not as “thuddy” or intense as other models Nay: Crappy button; strange angle of head to body; tiny silicone nozzle that comes loose easily

Better than: Satisfyer Pro Deluxe, Womanizer Deluxe Pro (W500)
Worse than: Womanizer PRO40, Satisyfer Pro 2, Satisfyer 1, Satisfyer 2
On Par with: Womanizer W100

 

Thanks to Shevibe for sending me the Satisfyer Pro Penguin in exchange for my honest review. There are many retailers you can shop with but I recommend Shevibe over them all; they have the best customer service and overall pricing/selection. They’ve been in business for over 10 years and can be relied upon for discreet shipping!

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