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Decompressing and Deconstructing: MomentumCon 2012 Aftermath

I mean “aftermath” in the best possible way, but yet my brain is a freaking mess. “Overstimulated” is the best way to describe my current state. I go from leading a fairly boring life to a jam-packed weekend full of sex geek fun, feminist conversations, sex-positive atmospheres and 50-some hours with “my people”. It’s funny to me how different Mcon 2012 was from Mcon 2011 – a lot of the same people were present (but yet a lot of new faces) and a lot of similar sessions/discussions but my experience was very different. This year I co-presented a session on Blogging (the only session not to focus on anything sex-related, I think), I found slightly fewer sessions that interested me and/or applied to me personally, I hung out with different people.  Last year I think I really only spoke with 1 of the vendors but this year many hours of conversation was had whether it was in the vendors rooms or over drinks in the hotel bar. It was enlightening, empowering and validating. I think I have a better idea of what road I’m going to be taking now that my time in the sex bloggosphere has hit a multi-path fork in the road.

I will continue to remain “Lilly” and mostly anonymous. I will not be telling my family anything, unless it gets to a point where I simply have no choice. It’s not easy lying about my whereabouts but it’s been done so far. All that matters is that my husband is incredibly supportive of me and loves what I’m doing, loves that I care. That’s really all I need. He had a supremely shitty work week and was just depressed and exhausted; I felt guilty, a bit, for having fun at Mcon when I felt the pull to be a supportive partner to him but he wouldn’t let me go there. He insisted numerous times that I deserved this fun weekend and that I needed it, that he was proud of me and wanted me to soak it all up. And I did.

I was still my same socially awkward self, but less so. I started up more conversations. I put myself into conversations. Yes, I panicked when I realized that the “oh hey meet us at the bar for drinks” turned into “Oh, we’re sharing a table with Dr. Carol Queen, Dr. Joycelyn Elders, Lynn Comella and Metis Black” but hey, I didn’t speak. I let the grown-ups talk while I sat on the edges in awe with the lovely Jenna of Tantus. Crista (my amazing partner in crime for the weekend, and roommate) and I hung out with Ducky Doolittle, Jenna and Metis; had conversations and intelligent discourse on the ethics and practices of the sex toy industry. It was a dream. I got enough hugs from friends to last me weeks. I felt pretty in my big Victorian skirt. Nobessence is no longer an entity, a luxury company – I know them now to be a spectacularly amazing couple leading a fairly normal but wonderfully sex-positive life committed to making excellent sex toys. I’m trying so hard to keep all the memories and words said in all these amazing conversations fresh in my memory but my cursed brain is leaking out things. I hate that. I wish I could have just been wired all weekend, recording everything like a spy. For my own personal use, of course, nothing else!

You all know I’ve never thought much of the Big 5 companies of the sex toy industry, but I know think even less of them if possible. While I can’t repeat some of what was said, suffice to say you should just take my word for it. Support the smaller companies whenever possible, you’ll never regret it. But I also learned that I’m wrong sometimes and while I still say JimmyJane is overpriced, Jacq from Sugar in Baltimore told me things that changed my opinion a bit. I finally held a fully-charged Form 2 in my hands and noticed it only once had that wonky motor issue other reviewers had mentioned but I also noticed that it was perhaps a little more powerful than I expected and it certainly surpassed the (still hate it) Form 3.

I think I’d like to consider the possibility of hanging up my shingle as an official consultant. Now to narrow down who I can help and what I can do and how to go about making this a reality. But there are a number of smaller sex toy companies/manufacturers/adult industry people that need a better SEO presence and need more information on social media but don’t know how to get it. I think I have something to offer. I have the experience of being on both sides of the coin.

Not everyone will be walking away from MomentumCon with the glowingly positive experience that I had. Some people are hard to please, some are argumentative, some are just simply looking for absolute perfection from everyone and every word said. It won’t happen. Nobody is perfect and people don’t always do/say the right thing – but we tried. We all had good hearts. But the first person to gripe about my “privilege” and “checking it” just because I was able to go to Mcon? Will be told where to go. I was not handed my trip to to Mcon on a silver freaking platter, I worked MY ASS OFF to make the money to get there. I made sacrifices and I worked hard.
So read everything with a grain of salt.

I can only hope and pray that there will be a Momentum 2013 because we all need more – more instruction, more discussion, more debates, more affirmations – and we’re not done learning. If you are reading this and read my posts about last year’s event and say “I wish I could have gone”, here is my advice to you: Do whatever you have to do to start saving up now and get yourself there next year. You have no idea how it will change you. It changes you. It’s amazing. Thank you, everyone, for making this weekend the best weekend I’ll have all year, hands down.

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Posted by Lilly | 4 Comments

Interview with a Sex Toy Reviewer: Part 3: Epiphora

Continuing the interviews after Elizabeth Red in Part 2 and answering these questions myself in Part 1  

Epiphora is a sex toy reviewer first and foremost. She does what she loves, what she does best, and she has a big following. She’s been controversial at times and never shuts her mouth for anybody or anything – and usually she uses her powers for good. But oh when she hates something, and she really fucking hates it, we love to read it! Epiphora is one of the few fellow toy reviewers who joins me in the “Proud to Post Negative Reviews” camp of those who will be as harsh as we feel is necessary (and boy howdy sometimes it’s really fuckin necessary). Her virtual toy box rivals most and especially trumps mine. Epiphora is the second in a short series of long-time reviewers that I’ve asked to answer 4 easy (or are they?) questions about sex toys and reviewing.

1. How many toys, roughly, have you reviewed or acquired in other ways since you started reviewing?

2. How many of them actually saw a lot of use past the review session?

3. What toys have been your top favorites over all the time you’ve been reviewing?

4. What has been the most important thing or two you’ve learned since becoming a reviewer that you didn’t know as a consumer?

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Interview with a Sex Toy Reviewer: Part 2 – Elizabeth Red

Now I turn the tables on other reviews, after answering these questions myself in Part 1!

Elizabeth Red has been reviewing sex toys for quite a few years now at her blog, The Red Sneaker Diaries. I would say that she’s a good combination of a little bit forgiving and objective mixed with honest¹ and intellectual in her reviews. You can view most of her reviews on her blog here at her toy box page. I also love her Lube Lab pages where she breaks down the different types of lube in all their scientific hotness. Elizabeth is the first in a short series of long-time reviewers that I’ve asked to answer 4 easy (or are they?) questions about sex toys and reviewing.

1. How many toys, roughly, have you reviewed or acquired in other ways since you started reviewing?

Answer: 300 review products + at least 100 items via swaps and purchasing

2. How many of them actually saw a lot of use past the review session?

Answer: I will give you two answers.  

A:  Lots saw use after initial trial session.  Probably 75% of them.  Now a days I probably pick things up for fun use only about 30% of the time but early on I used almost everything a handful of times before letting it get dusty.  This excludes books, which I just never reread.  

B:  I have been actively trimming my collection for a while now, I think I’ve probably kept about a hundred things², so that’s how many I would say saw real active use that lasted over time.  Still, many of those see little use but fill niches that I get a hankering for every once in a while.  Honestly, I feel like I could choose just a few dozen of my real favorites and be happy with them.

3. What toys have been your top favorites over all the time you’ve been reviewing?

Answer: Hitachi Magic Wand, The Wahl, Eroscillator, We Vibe Touch, Lelo Siri, Saryoa and Gigi, Nobessence Linger and Fling, my Hans Hardwood dildo, Vixskin Maverick, Jollies Jollet, Njoy Pure Plugs, Aneros Peridise, my TENS unit, Bongers³, Venerous Shaving Trio,  LeatherThorn Rose Blush Paddle, my custom Leatherbeaten Flogger.

4. What has been the most important thing or two you’ve learned since becoming a reviewer that you didn’t know as a consumer?

Answer: This is harsh, but what I now know is that as a consumer I’d be totally fucked.  Obviously I enjoy luxury toys but many of the luxury toys I’ve had that I was soooooo stoked about getting have been total duds⁴, and many on my list of favorites I was not expecting to love as much as I do.  Maybe that’s more an issue with having tried so many things, however.  I guess what I do now know is that one should never pay full retail price on anything – it *will* go on sale.

Thank you, Red! I would very much agree with the last answer. I think I spent around $300 or $400 in my time purchasing sex toys the few years prior to reviewing them and I don’t use a single one anymore. My most expensive splurges were SO not worth the money; the Doc Johnson rabbit was great and amazing for a couple of runs and then it quickly turned on me. That soured me on spending over $75 on a single item. I also bought the Feeldoe before it was bought up by Tantus; it was just as expensive back then (probably more so since it was being made by a smaller company?) and I ended up not able to ever use it for the intended purpose. It sat around mostly unused for quite some time. Occasionally I’d use it as a dildo on myself but I eventually put it up on Toyswap.

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Interview with a Sex Toy Reviewer: Part 1

This past week I’ve been rounding up my sex toys and reorganizing everything so that when I reach for something in my hutch, 6 sex toys don’t come crashing down on the desk top. And so that I know where my favorites are. I noticed later as I tended to my virtual toybox that whoa….I’ve owned/reviewed over 115 sex toys since I started this blog. Not all of these have been reviewed at all or published here; a number are waiting for my review. Some purchases I think I’ve even forgotten about and aren’t on the list. My count isn’t including books or massage oils/lubes; I don’t review porn or condoms or lingerie, and I’ve taken several “Every sex toy sucks or I’m jaded” breaks from reviewing.

I’ve learned a lot since I started reviewing sex toys. That’s a very obvious statement, though, because I’d really only discovered sex toys a few years prior. My old collection was kinda sad. Before I started my first reviews I wrote about the sex toys I did own and what was tossed prior to the photo being snapped. I wish I’d taken a pic of everything first, then pitched, because I read the post and I’m not sure what dildo I was referring to. I also read that post and cringe at what a NOOB I was. Ah well. We all are at some point. But when I look back at the first post I did after I’d been reviewing for a little while, while I still didn’t have the experience under my belt that I do now, I can see that many things changed as newer, better sex toys arrived on my doorstep but one constant has remained: my undying love for the Njoy Pure Wand.

The most important things I’ve learned since being a reviewer:

1. Luxury sex toys, more often than not, are not worth their price tag if you don’t orgasm fairly easy.

2. Silicone = Good!

3. Phthalates = Bad! Jelly = Bad!

4. Before you buy, research and read. It helps if you can get a sense of what other things the reviewer has liked & disliked to see if their opinions will be useful to you. It’s like trying to judge for yourself if that Italian restaurant would be a good place to go if the only review is from someone who hates Italian food.

5. Yes, the g-spot IS all it’s cracked up to be if you have the right tools.

My favorites used to include the Hitachi Magic Wand, and old Silver Bullet and a few others that have been retired. I quite honestly have only brought out the Hitachi 6 times in the last year and that was merely to use it as a comparison point for other reviews. I have a page up where I keep a running list of my favorite sex toys but even now I can see that the update as of 4 months ago could use another update. Current favorites include: Mystic Wand, Pure Wand of course, Black Magic bullet, e-sensual usb bullet, the Wahl original for when my body is being stubborn, Nobessence Seduction, Evolved Sweet Embrace, Vanity VR6 and the Tantus O2 Cush.

A question I’ve asked of other reviewers is “How many of the many sex toys saw much use past the review phase?” and for me that’s a difficult number to tally up. On my virtual toybox page each item is listed in the order it was reviewed, broken down by category. I look at the vibrator section, the largest, and only 8-10 of those are used these days. A few of the rechargeables might get used more often if I didn’t keep losing the chargers and finding a dead vibrator in my drawer. The first 20 things listed, I only own 5 of now  – the rest were tossed or swapped – and I’ve kept them purely for comparison reasons. However in the first 6-8 months of reviewing I’d say that most items, unless I outright hated them, were used after the review period quite a bit. Of course that was all I *had* so there’s that.

Stay tuned for short interviews with other sex toy review bloggers who will answer these same questions!

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Posted by Lilly | 4 Comments

Sex Toys for Beginners

or

A Guide to Sex Toy Reviewers: Stop Using Achievement Levels When Recommending a Sex Toy as Good or Bad

It seems all too common in the reviewing community to label a crappy/weak vibrator as being “great for beginners”. I’m sure I even did it at some point when I first started reviewing, but that doesn’t excuse it.

STOP DOING THIS.

Just because someone is new to sex toys doesn’t automatically mean that they need or want a weak, surface-buzzy vibrator. Stop using this as a means to sugar-coat a crappy toy. You can surely say that someone who is very sensitive to vibrations and prefers subtle, gentle sensations would like that vibration that feels like a fairy blowing in the vicinity of your clit from a distance. That’s valid. But a beginner to sex toys is not always (frequently not) a beginner to sex or masturbation. In fact I might be so bold as to say that many women who are buying their first vibrator are looking for something to help them get off because they’ve not had great luck on their own. That was definitely the case with me. I purchased a few shitty, weak vibes back then and I’m so glad that they weren’t they first vibrators or else I might have given up totally, thinking that what I needed wasn’t out there. Because, of course, those shitty, weak vibes were heaped praises on the sites I bought them from for their strength and “perfect for everyone!” weasel words.

As a reviewer you also should not assume that every slim/slender vibrator is great for beginners. Again, they’re new to sex toys. Not necessarily penetration. And of course even the most well-honed sex-loving person doesn’t necessarily love/want/need girth. Many simply don’t. Conversely, many do. Base your recommendations not on someone’s “skill” level or familiarity with sex toys – instead, base it off reality: word it as “If you are sensitive to vibrations, this would be good for you” or “If you prefer slender insertable toys, this is good for you”. You can and should talk about the size of the toy in relation to how easy it would be to hide it or simply warn them that it’s a beast – are some people intimidated by big honkin toys? Sure. But let’s not lump everyone together like that.

I mean, is there some secret RPG-esque ranking that I’m not aware of? Is there a level 1 Beginner, a level 4 Beginner, after which you’re a level 1 Intermediate user and finally after the purchase and/or use of X number of sex toys you hit the much-lauded rank of Advanced User?

What should a “sex toy for beginners” recommendation look like?

• It should have multiple speeds/intensity levels so that they can figure out what they like and need
• You should always do your best to differentiate between surface-buzzy and deep-rumbly vibrations and know what the difference is – once someone knows that the vibrator they hated was considered surface-buzzy they know to then look for a deep-rumbly one next
• We should be steering them towards affordable yet body-safe materials – Jelly is not ok for beginners, it is not ok for anybody
• We should not be advising them to plonk down over $150 on a singular toy if they own 2 or less toys. They don’t know yet what they need and what works best for them in terms of size, shape and vibration type/intensity
• Ignore the size: Never say that a small or medium size toy is “good for beginners” just because of the size.

And for the love of holy sex toys, just stop sugar-coating reviews: call a spade a spade. It doesn’t help you as an affiliate because once you recommend a shitty toy to someone they won’t trust you in the future. And wouldn’t you want someone to steer you away from a vibrator that should not even be on the market, just like you’d want your friend to be honest and say “Honey, that pair of pants isn’t really flattering to you, let’s find something else”? I would. In fact that’s why and how I found sex toy reviews in the first place. I was so jaded and skeptical and wary of buying a toy that looked ok but I couldn’t tell what the vibrations were like and so I just started asking around in random places and it all led me to finding the blogger reviews (which were so much less saturated back then). And while a seasoned buyer eventually learns to take every review with a grain of salt and realize that what one person thinks is heaven inside silicone will be a piece of shit to someone else, that knowledge takes time, patience and a willingness to keep buying sex toys until they find The One. Or, The Five, whatever your heart desires.

All of this is why I have become unafraid to call out Lelo on their half-assed ventures their last two lines. They were the darling of the sex toy world in the beginning and everyone wanted one or seven of them. That reputation still exists. I think it still exists, in part, because we’re still inundated with too many shitty manufacturers and toys and we want, no need, to call a company Good. Worth It. We don’t have enough Good Eggs in the basket so when one starts to stink a little we perfume it up and try to believe – for ourselves and the sex toy world at large – that it’s still ok. It’s just one bad egg, right? When a company starts riding the coattails of their initial success then we need to pay attention and call that out.

What would I recommend as a good sex toy for beginners? First of all, a good bullet. And by “good” I don’t mean expensive. I mean something that has a variance in intensity levels, is deep and rumbly and isn’t so expensive that replacing it in a year is a hardship or hating it isn’t a waste of money. And then probably some sort of curved, insertable vibrator of silicone or plastic that is moderately priced, can be pull double duty and doesn’t require strange batteries.

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Posted by Lilly | 8 Comments

The Fake Orgasm: You think you know, but you have no idea

Women fake orgasms. Not all women or not all the time. It is slowly becoming less prevalent but it still happens. Just a few generations ago women were not taught much (if at all) about their sexuality, their sex organs, or about sex and pleasure. Our grandmother’s mothers probably told them that “sex is for men and making babies”. Virgin brides were worried about it hurting and were told that it would hurt. Word of mouth was all that they knew; if you came from a Catholic family …. forget it.

So a few months ago a post was highlighted either on Facebook or Twitter and I skimmed it and bookmarked it for later; the title, “He Doesn’t Deserve Your Validation: Putting The Fake Orgasm Out of Business”, didn’t leave me feeling negative about the article. I was prepared to write a post agreeing with the author.

I’m not agreeing with the author on many things. I do agree to the basic message though – a faked orgasm doesn’t do us (either person in the equation) any favors. And as soon as I typed that out my brain went “Well…..sometimes it does….”

A woman faking an orgasm is now sort of, just part of the deal, isn’t it? You just do it; it’s almost like something that’s passed down from generation to generation, like makeup tips or a recipe. It’s a gift women give to men, because it’ll just keep him satisfied and calm. Many of the women I’ve talked with see faking an orgasm as a little gift, a favor for the man they’re with. That makes no sense to me. Faking an orgasm is not like making him a snack after he comes home from work or remembering what kind of beer he likes to drink.

Really? A gift to men? I used to fake….a lot. I did not ever view it as a gift to my partner. Did I do it sometimes to keep him from feeling inadequate? Yes. But then again in many aspects of life I’m the one asking “Well what do YOU want to do?” Because I’d much rather go along with their plan and see them happy than me choose the restaurant/movie/place we’re going and feel guilty the whole time because they’re miserable. Is that my responsibility, is that fair? No.I really want to know though what many women this guy is talking to, what their age range is. I am 34 and I have faked orgasms. There ya have it. But I have never and will never qualify doing so as “I did it for him”. For US though? To keep both of our happy glows? Yeah. Mostly. Sort of.  Because deep way down at the heart of the matter it wasn’t JUST about avoiding that let-down look of “I’m terrible at sex and now I feel guilty” that would end up ruining what had actually been fun and pleasurable experience and even bonding for me or emotional (It felt good. Great, even, but I couldn’t quite orgasm).

I faked orgasms because I didn’t know how to have one.

In fact, I don’t think I would have recognized an orgasm if it bit me in the face. And when I compare sensations and those little after-shock contractions now vs then….um yeah I actually did have orgasms. The contractions, and especially the twitchy minutes-long aftershock contractions, are never present for me if I didn’t orgasm. Ever. I know this now. I didn’t know it then because I didn’t know how to orgasm. I didn’t know what I needed. I didn’t know how to give it to myself much less ask for it (pre-vibrators). The first boyfriend I had sex with (I was 18) I also watched some soft porn with occasionally. We were horny little bastards. I liked the sex. I liked most of what he did to me. What I didn’t like I didn’t know why I didn’t like it so I couldn’t give him any feedback. Did I see fantasy-world porn and fantasy-world “orgasms”? Yep. Did we both watch that porn and use it as our manual and expect our results to be the same? Yep. I don’t think though that I faked it modeling after what I saw on porn. I think I was mimicking him. His pleasure built and built and built and it was obvious and then….crescendo! angels! choirs! He was exhausted and delirious and right there was the proof positive of his orgasm, filling up the reservoir tip of our condom.

I’ve almost never been with a guy who wasn’t like me in some regard – my pleasure was his pleasure and vice versa, our arousal and enjoyment fed off of the other’s arousal and enjoyment. So yeah he was going to make sure that I came, too.

I was too embarrassed to tell him I didn’t. That I didn’t know how to have an orgasm, that I’d never (to my knowledge) had an orgasm and that frankly I wasn’t positive that I knew where the clitoris was (I didn’t, I found out in my mid-twenties).

I faked an orgasm (or 300) because I was self-conscious and woefully un-sex-educated.

Because even when I would finally learn where things were and what I (or my partner) was supposed to be doing with them I still couldn’t orgasm. I’d get close….and maybe I did actually have a mild orgasm but I didn’t know it. I thought it was supposed to be bigger, better and more obvious. “You’ll know” I was told by the few female friends who had experienced an orgasm. Fireworks. Earth moving¹.

I faked orgasms because I didn’t want to explain all of the above.

Many of my “fakes” were faking in the way of saying “Yes I came”. Actually verbalizing the words because I was asked if I had. Did I? No clue. Did it feel realllly fuckin good though? YES. I’ve had a lot of really good sex where he’s hitting my g-spot over and over and it just feels fucking fantastic and I’m vocal about that. My “holy shit”s and “oh fuck yes”es are not theatrics and they’re not lies. It feels awesome. And then he came and it was done and I knew I wasn’t going to come because I just don’t/can’t get there and I didn’t  want to ruin the awesome sex and the whole vibe by saying that I didn’t come.

Many women fake their orgasms as a means to end an un-pleasurable sexual process.

Ok….yeah. If it’s a one-night-stand or new boyfriend or whatever…yeah. I will totally fake for that reason. I’d tried the honest route and was met with puppy-dog “Let’s try it again!”. No no, I’m dried up and rubbed raw and no longer aroused.

In the end I appreciate the effort this guy and others are trying to put forth. It’s the thought that counts. Kinda. But seriously, would the people talking about this shit stop fucking assuming that there aren’t a multitude of reasons why we fake and that many aren’t “a means to an end” or “a gift”??? You’re. Not. Helping.

I try to avoid being and sounding prescriptive in my writing, but in this case I am begging women to put the fake orgasm out of business. Men don’t need or deserve more validation—we get it every day, in many different ways.

I do not fake to GIVE YOU VALIDATION.

Most women have yet to discover their true sexual power—not power over others—but the power they can feel within themselves. So when men maintain women by doing a little here and there in the bedroom, and women fake it, it just leads to a diminishing of female power.

No, honey, I just had yet to discover where the fuck my clitoris was, what was required to stimulate it enough to orgasm and that the magic answer for me was “vibrator”². And once I discovered “vibrator” I had to discover what kind and what style and how best to use it. Some women do that with fingers and tongues. I spent 10 years on fingers and tongues. I should have a fucking PhD in the failure of the application of fingers and tongues to my clitoris.

There are so many women who are going to disagree with me. Am I giving others permission to fake? Well, no. A lot of the women agreeing with the original article all proclaim that they have high sex drives (Hi, me too!). Do they perhaps have higher self-esteem or better sense of self than me? Were they taught or just inately knew all their years where everything was and what you were supposed to do with it? Quite possibly yes to all of those. I have distinct memories of high arousal as a girl and then teenager. But I had no fucking clue what to DO with that arousal. You’re hungry? You eat food, you don’t feel hungry anymore, you feel happy and sated. You have to pee? So go, pee freely, “aaahhh” as it comes out and your stretched bladder feels more normal. But as a woman/girl who just knows that there’s all these feelings and sensations and they generate from perhaps the vulva-region but were not taught that masturbating relieves the built-up sexual tension from arousal and you feel sated like you just ate a chicken after not eating for 2 days.

For men it’s pretty easy. You get aroused and there’s no question about the origin of those sensations because it’s sticking straight out suddenly and so as a kid you touch it and….hey…..please may I have some more? And then oh! There ya go! Isn’t that better? That was pretty easy.

WE AREN’T LIKE THAT.

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