Posted by Lilly | 11 Comments

Rant: FYP (For Your Pleasure) Sex Toy Parties

So on my facebook page I allowed a friend request from someone that I apparently went to high school with (even though I don’t recall her) because she seemed cool. Like someone I might want to be friends with. Why? Because unlike many of the people I know in my area/state, she openly is sex-positive. Or so I thought. I thought this because she had a side business of at-home sex toy parties of the FYP For Your Pleasure Inc brand.

Basic premise of this and similar others is that you gather up all your little girlfriends and their friends and you giggle over the sex toys. It’s like a Pampered Chef party or a Tupperware party – except it’s sex toys. And if any of you girls (or your wives) have been to anything like this, be it jewelry, kitchen gadgets or food baskets, you know that once you’re there you are subtly pressured in a Stepford Wife way to buy something. The hostess only does well for herself if you all buy stuff. And for the moolah she sinks into these you’d better believe your sweet tookas that you’re gonna get pressured.

Out of curiosity I clicked over from one thing to another to actually happen upon the For Your Pleasure site. After much clicking I ended up at the online store.

I know that many retailers have various pricing and that I happen to be affiliated with ones that are very reasonably priced, but I about fell off my goddamn chair.

At FYP, the Njoy Small Plug is $85.00. At Edenfantasys.com, that plug is $59.99. At FYP the Njoy Fun Wand (fuckers don’t even CARRY the Pure Wand) is $115.00 vs EF which is $87.99. Tantus Goliath? $82.00 at For Your WalletRape er I mean For Your Pleasure, and $59 at EdenFantasys. For Your Pleasure also charges tax no matter where you are located – other retail sites only charge tax if you are in the state they are in. FYP has no offers of free or reasonable shipping charges. I placed a dummy order of $75 and the shipping was $9. EF gives free UPS ground on orders over $59 or free overnight on orders over $100.

I know that at these FYP sex toy parties, the hostess doesn’t have products to let people take home right then and there so they DO have to pay the tax and shipping. They’re bullied and pressured into buying something before they can have time to go look for a better deal elsewhere or a more pleasing color. I’d be willing to bet my left tit that the hostesses of these parties NEVER talk about phthalates and using condoms on toys.

I know that when I was in New York in November I also had a hard time keeping my mouth shut about the prices in the one sex toy shop we went into. Granted it was a MUCH better place than the ratty gross skeeve-dives here in my area but they were no Babeland brick-n-mortar – that shop was at least run by women and felt non threatening – probably because of the lack of Live Nood Gurls. Anyways, while it was cool to see all these toys I’ve only ever seen online live and in person, I also knew that they were overpriced. I am no savant with numbers but I could vaguely recall prices of Lelo toys and knew they were upselling by $20.

I’ve been invited to a sex toy party here once run by a coworker’s friend and I politely declined with a prior commitment excuse – because I knew I wouldn’t buy anything and I wouldn’t be able to keep my mouth shut about the jelly rubber and the CalExotics garbage and the exorbitant pricing. To say how I knew these things I’d have to admit to a couple of things that I don’t feel like letting those people in on. So I figured it was better that I don’t go.

I don’t know how to spread the word better about these goddamn parties, but maybe if enough of us reviewers write up a post on it, the search engines will eventually point a few untrained housewives and corporate powerhouses to our post before they get suckered into these gigglefest “buy a cute little bunny to put in your kitty!” travesties. I could probably be a lot more eloquent about this and give even more information and examples but I’m honestly just too ticked off right now.

So if you are an internet searcher who came here via this post? PLEASE don’t be shy about emailing me or IM’ing me to ask about toys. I will be more than happy to educate you and help you.

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Posted by Lilly | 34 Comments

The Perfect Fat

It seems as though most of my readers respond better to a tiny, provocative 3-line post with a half-nekkid photo, than my rambling words lately. It seems like I can’t make a move to speaking my mind more because of the comment count I get on those posts vs the comment count on the erotica and photo posts. Perhaps I’ll just post little else than brainless smut and sexy photos here and post the intelligent discourse posts on other blogs. Maybe. But sometimes, like today, you’re just gonna have to deal with it because this is something I feel strongly about. If you don’t like this kind of stuff from me, then you can safely stop reading now.

Britni posted a few weeks ago about V Magazine’s “size” issue which she posted a whole bunch of preview photos from. Plus size models that look amazing…..

…..Amazingly perfect. And while they are a step in a right direction, moving away from all models being a size 0, they still don’t do much for “fat acceptance”. I look at these models and try to remember that they’re models and so they have to be proportioned “just so” but they are not realistic representations. They are the Perfect Fat, the most Acceptable Fat that the general public can handle. The rolls are at a minimum, their tummies are relatively flat, their butts are still that idyllic heart shape, etc. When I look at the advertisements and posters for Lane Bryant, I don’t feel like my size is acceptable because these models, to me, are barely plus-sized. I wrote about how tough it is to shop for plus-size clothes over at EdenCafe but I want to include that post here and expound on it a little.

I wear a size 20. Depending on the brand and the style of the article of clothing, I might even wear a 22. What’s funny is that I wear a larger numerical size than I did a few years ago, but I am not actually any bigger. I have a few sweaters that are Lane Bryant from only 4 years ago, and they are a size 14/16. They fit me the same as current size 20 or 22. And no, they’re not stretched out. Way to make me feel like shit, designers. At the age of 32 (and I’m usually told I don’t look a day over 25) I am not yet ready to dress like my grandmother.

But the brick-and-mortar stores at my disposal think otherwise. Why? Why do clothes designers assume that if you’re plus-sized you’re 1. over 5′9″ and 2. over the age of 45 or “matronly and modest”. Some department store plus-size sections will carry the occasional fashion-forward pieces that are age-appropriate for me, but it’s like finding a needle in a haystack. Combine that with them also offering styles that most plus-size women should not wear and an abundance of matronly/modest articles, and it’s no wonder I hate shopping.

I have read various uncredited sources that claim as much as 50% of the American female adult population wears a size above 14 (16 and up is considered “plus”). If it’s even just 40% then pray tell WHY are the plus-sized sections so damn small?? Old Navy won’t even carry those sizes in the store. Macy’s, Sears, Bon-Ton, JC Penneys, Target, Wal-mart, Kohl’s etc have a plus size section that equals only 10% of the “regular” sized women’s clothing. Plus sized clothing gets maybe 20 brands on average, while the other section has a hundred or more. They will convert only a tiny percentage of the regular sized clothes into plus-size. I can’t tell you how many times I walk by a cute/sexy top at Kohl’s with a wistful sigh, wishing it came in my size.

So we’re relegated to shopping online. Women on average have a much harder time with clothes fitting than men, jut because we’re all shaped differently even at the same dress size. But plus-size women have even more issues with clothes fitting at our size and being flattering. If the item is shown on a model, usually that model is barely a size 14 and has toned upper arms and a mostly flat belly with an otherwise “proportionate” body. Um, hello, I don’t look like that! How the hell am I supposed to know what it *might* look like on me? So now we’re forced to shop online where we can’t try on things first, we have to guess. We have to subject ourselves to the measuring tape if we want a better shot at the clothes fitting, but that’s not even a gaurantee.

I recently found this outfit at Hips and Curves, a lingerie site for big girls – and of course, their models are the Perfect Fat and so even though its a site for “my size” I still look at this outfit and feel like I need to slim down a few sizes to have a chance at looking as good as the model does in it. I would love to be able to wear this for the next NYC Sex Blogger Calendar Party. The Parisian skirt and the corset, with maybe a their wide-neckline sheer body suit under the corset for some arm coverage given that the party IS in November. But seriously, I feel too round and chunky for their clothes, even though I am their target shopper.

In a time when brick-and-mortar stores are pulling out all the stops to bring in and keep customers, you would think they would try to appease a larger cross-section of their customers. My local Target leaves only a paltry (and shameful) -6- racks for the plus-size section. Maternity gets more racks!! I can assure you there’s less business from Maternity women than plus-size. I’m not asking for equal shares, I know better. But if all these department stores committed to doubling (or tripling in the case of stores like Target) the plus-size section I can gaurantee you they would see a huge return on that.

I’ve run into very few online stores that show their clothes on a model that might look more like me – and these are places that have a little less polish, a little less high glamour professionalism to  them. The more mainstream the store is, the more of a Perfect Fat there is.

Britni directed me to a site I’d not heard of before, called Fatshionista. It’s a blog, it’s an information source, an inspiration source and a guidance in navigating the online shopping world. They offer a section where members can review the online stores. On the LiveJournal community pages there is a huge list of any online store that carries some plus-size clothing or is completely dedicated to plus-size. Many of the more popular ones I’ve already been to but there were many I didn’t know about. While this won’t make future shopping *easier* it will at least give us more options.

EDIT: The lovely Britni passed on some more links so I’m highlighting all those and all the other links in this post:

• If you need inspiration on outfits, check out the Fatshionista Flickr Pool
• A great “fat positive”  blog, The F Word
• Fat Fu blog where you can subscribe to the Notes from the Fat’o'sphere section, a list of a whole bunch of fat acceptance/fat positive blogs.
• Fatshionista is the main site, the Review section offers up reader-reviews on all the online stores that sell plus size clothing, and the LiveJournal community page also has a big list of places to shop as well as other sites to read for inspiration and education.

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Posted by Lilly | 3 Comments

Non Se(x)quitor

I hate the word “dong” when referring to dildos. I cannot see a distinction in the sex toy world for there being a reason to have both words, and I hereby move to abolish that word from the sex toy industry. “Dong” is an aonomatapea, not a sex toy. This is the only time you shall see this awful word on this blog because I’ll flat out refuse to ever review a toy that has that in its name.

Sue Johanssen can suck my big smelly toe. I don’t trust her opinions on what sex toys are the best any farther than I could throw her, and I’m a weakling. For that matter, Oprah needs to stop promoting friggin CalExotics toys (she promotes Berman Center toys which are CE toys, made by CE, same exact damn things as CE toys). I tried to watch an episode of Sue’s lovely talk show one night very late, and it was awful. Some questions made even me raise my eyebrows, but then some others weren’t that off the wall and her answers were bullshit. One answer was even wrong (I can’t recall enough word for word to reiterate, so take my word for it). One guy she played off like she couldn’t understand what sex act he was asking about, but even I knew, and this was before my introduction to sex blogs.

I didn’t see nearly enough of my readers commenting and nominating over at Rori’s nominations post for the 2009 Sexy Blogger list!! I highly encourage you to go there and nominate 2 or 3 blogs that you love. Would my blog be one of them??  ;) Nominations close at the end of July.
And for the readers of mine who HAVE nominated blogs, I thank you and you did good.

I’ve recently started a new ADD med, this time the old-school infamous Ritalin. I kinda expected it to work right away, and it’s not. But then, I wasn’t exactly told what to expect. So what I’m feeling might be “normal”, but whatever it is, I don’t like it. I’ll wait it out though. However, I’m having trouble writing sometimes….comprehending things…I’m just not myself. Between this and the other change, I’m having a little trouble with blog posts.

I’m in the process of designing a little banner, again, and you know? I really like doing this. So what if you don’t see a banner that you love from your chosen affiliate,  most would be just fine with you making your own! I quite like making mine coordinate with my blog colors. If you’d ever like one done for your blog, hit me up. I can do one up for you!
This is one of those things that I wish I could get paid to do on the side.

Alright, before this post gets any more disjointed and rambly, I’m wrapping it up.

Keep an eye out for my HNT this week, a special guest will be included.

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Posted by Lilly | 18 Comments

Some Lessons Learned and Anatomy Class

As I review more sex toys, I’m learning some things about myself, toys and the sex toy industry.

1. Every woman is different. Our cunts are different. Every aspect is different. But just like the media is pushing that a size 2 is ideal these days, it seems that sextoy manufacturers are trying to tell me that my cunt is built wrong. I certainly feel that way!! I just got the Rock Chick today, a highly recommended toy by many other reviewers…..only to figure out in 10 minutes flat that it simply will NOT work with a cunt built like mine.
Like what? Well, my outer labia are fuller than average. Perhaps because I’m not skinny? Dunno. My clit is the size of Hello Kitty’s nose (thanks VaginaDrum) and it requires a fuckin map for new partners to find it. Even a seasoned partner has trouble! When it comes to sex toys like….dual stimulators…..Remote hands-free “butterfly” vibes….. These are meant for women who’s outer labia is not as full and their clits peek out to say hello world!
It seems to me that “the way I’m built” isn’t normal. At least that’s what porn models and the sex toy industry are leading me to believe.

2. My vagina is an F student in Braille. I see so many dildos that are touting how “realistic” they look, and have veins for added sensation. Or any of the countless non-penis-replica vibrators and dildos that have raised swirlies and bumps and ridges. I just can’t tell. I’m tight, but perhaps just not as sensitive. Since when did my girlie bits need to learn Braille just to get off??

3. Just because you pay over $50 for a toy, don’t expect it to be glorious. I’m not saying to stop buying them. But I’m not guaranteeing greatness. I’ve got numerous pricey toys I’ve reviewed that, had I purchased them, I would be pretty ticked off at their lack of oomph or single-minded design. We-Vibe. Doc Johnson I-Rabbit thingiemabobber. Even some of the Lelo toys I’m finding myself disappointed in their lack of power. Is it because they’re rechargeable? I’m not sure.
Most cheap-shit toys I, understandably, end up disappointed with as well. Tonight I got this bullet vibe from the lovely ladies at sextoy.com. At first I’m practically shouting from the rooftops my love for it! It’s -powerful-!!! Finally!!! But then, quickly, I find a defect. When I turn it on….it’s not turning on. I hafta shake the egg. Sometimes though it’s just fine. I’m still trying to determine if this is a singular defect, or the product as a whole. (I see now that it’s a wire issue. Gonna try a dab of superglue somewhere)

4. I’m learning that there are many of you who love my writing as much as my tits. I’m also learning that there’s many of you just here for the tits. So be it. But I have to wonder sometimes….what would happen if I pulled all my pics? What would happen if I never posted a nude photo again? Would my readership and commentors drop off like mayfly’s? (so help me – if you comment and cry out “nooo!!! don’t take away the noodz!!” I’ll slap you. I really will.)

5. I am learning that I’m part hermit, part social butterfly. What does that mean? I crave conversation, I’m in love with Twitter because it’s sometimes like a big ole chatroom. I’ve been up too late a few times lately just chatting around with a bunch of us in the same “circle” (we all follow each other) and having fun. Conversely, because my updates are private, people have to request to follow me. I’ve been denying most people lately. I look at them suspiciously, wonder why they want to follow. Perhaps to just have “another number”. I have over 200 followers of my twitter stream, and more than half never say boo.

That’s all I’ll bore you with tonight. Honestly I’d be shocked if most of you read the whole thing. Skimmed it, perhaps. I should put some sort of code in the posts that tell you something cool like….I’m giving away a $20 Babeland giftcard soon, or something. Hidden words that, if you read it all, will stick out to tell you that secret message.

Nah. I’m too lazy. And I need to visit more websites that will tell me that my cunt is built all wrong.

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Posted by Lilly | 8 Comments

The Geek Files: Why I Hate Dell

Now first, let me preface this for all you Mac users:

You are either a PC or a Mac person, I feel. I’m a PC person. Maybe I’ll change. But I went to school for PC Tech stuff, both my partner and I did. We can build them. configure them, tweak them, repair them. Except for laptops. There is more software for PC’s. The games we (mostly he, now) plays come out for PC first, Mac is months later.

So shaddup if your only comment here is to say “Mac rulez PC droolz”.

(wait a minute….isn’t this a sex blog? *looks around* yup. sex blog. why the fuck is she babbling about geek shit?) You only have to deal with the once in a blue moon. Let me say my piece.

I brought home a coworker’s Dell tower a month or so ago to fix for her. I thought it would be a relatively simple software fix. It wasn’t booting up, you see. Shut down one day whilst the teenage boy was playing his MMO and just refused to wake. So I took out the harddrive, hooked it up to my box, and checked it out. I love telling people “um, you know you didn’t have antivirus, right?”  They argue. They could swear they did. When oh yes, they DID, but they were using Norton or McAfee, whatever came with, and has since run out of the subscription. So, the day is spent doing virus scans, because whether or not the harddrive needs wiped, I need to save their precious files. Sweet jeebus on a stick those kids downloaded an assload of stuff.

When my child is of downloading age (my future child, presuming we’re still downloading pirated crap 20 years in the future, prolly not as there will be Jetsons-type stuff by then dontcha know), I will sit him/her down and show them the proper safe way to download. The trusted link site and P2P software (i.e. NOT LimeFuckingWire).

But I digress. A good ole search online revealed others having the problem. Dell themselves confirmed that the motherboard’s realtime clock was toast. Replace the board.

Here’s Reason One why I hate Dells, and really mostly all brandname computers: You’ve got just ONE option for replacing this board. It’s all proprietary.

So we looked for a replacement board cause, oh yeah, sorry but Dell’s warranty is only 90 days. 90 fucking days?!? Whatevs.

When he cracked open her case, it looked as if they’d never opened it to clean it. There was enough globs of dust to build a complete frankenbunny, the size of a giant lop. I took pics then, but don’t know what I did with them. She claimed to me that they did, in fact, open it up and clean it every 4 months. Ok, whatever.

We finally got the replacement motherboard, and he opened it up again to to the swap. Bitch of a thing, as the fan was -monsterous-. Only a certain range of processors ran hot enough to warrant such an unwiedly beast, and she got that sort of processor. The case design is STUPID. So when the fan was taken apart to get the board out and in, we found yet MORE dust. A veritable carpet of dust. Here, see for yourself.

The average computer user could not possibly clean this. They should never ever open things up this much. So basically, it’s a ticking time bomb of doom, just waiting for imminent fry-death, being choked by dust. Why does this happen? 1, they used a goddamn processor that required a behemoth of a fan. Stupid. 2, behind that fan, as you’ll see, is a big huge open meshy area. Just SUCKING in all of the dirt. I’m amazed she ever had to dust her goddamn apartment, that’s how much was in the case.

Stupid fucking piece of shit. But we can’t build computers for people. They won’t pay the money. They can get a prebuilt one, and because they only surf the web, chat, email, and create documents, they won’t care. We can’t buy parts at a good enough discount, for one. For two, he’s picky. There are brands that deserve the money spent, like Asus boards. Lian Li cases. Zalman copper heatsinks. But alas….

Installed the new board. Boots up like a champ. Now I have to copy back all their files. And lecture the teenagers on safe downloading practices. I feel like I should take along pamphlets and the computer equivalent of condoms, or something.

and here you thought I was just a sex addict……

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