Sep 082011

Life happens, shit happens.

Yesterday, I decided to go off of my “wakey wakey” drug for the day (Nuvigil, it does wonders for my ADD/fibro fatigue and fog) because I was getting a second trigger point therapy/beating, and the first one left me drugged-feeling and exhausted but unable to nap bc of the wakey drug. So I didn’t take it……and of course the second treatment didn’t affect me like the first. Then of course the doctor delivered the news that this back pain might never ever go away. I’d had hopes, and they’re barely clinging on now waiting for more treatments.

What I did notice though was that this drug, which is only FDA-approved for things like narcolepsy and sleep disorders (it’s been trialed though a few times on fibro patients to great result), keeps the hopeless-depression at bay. It’s not a stimulant, but it wakes me. It’s better than Wellbutrin for my mood. Yesterday was this mired pit of “I cannot bear to spend the next 30-40 years of my life in this constant daily pain and inability to do things” and said so many times I couldn’t bear to live with it that I scared my husband into fearing he’d find me dead upon coming home from work. The first time this sort of depression happened I wasn’t on any drugs, and it was after we moved here and I felt utterly USELESS. Like my life was pointless, I wouldn’t be remembered after death, I’d done nothing to leave an imprint on this world, etc.

The problem with the Nuvigil is that it will cost me at least $300 a month. This is in addition to all other health-related copays and such. And we do not have room in the budget for $300 a month. So I need to find myself a job that guarantees about $400 a month that I don’t hate and doesn’t exacerbate my pain levels too much.

Then last night my family world collapsed. My mother called me in fearful tears – a flash flood happened. She’d built her dream house on land next the creek she spent her childhood years growing up at, three houses down from her Aunt’s house (now her cousin’s house). She had her screened in porch with a full view of the creek below. It’s no stream, mind you. I’m terrible at judging distance but it’s perhaps 50 feet across and sometimes as wide as 100 feet? But during normal water levels you can walk across it, the water being no higher than knee/thigh level, sometimes as low as ankle. Anyways. Even in the flood of 72, the worst one, the water didn’t go inside her cousin’s house – this house is 100 years old I think. This time, it quite quickly became apparent that the water was in fact going to come up to the houses. She had very little time to rescue items and move them upstairs. Even one of her two cats had to stay behind, because said cat hid in the chaos. I was heartbroken equally about the cat as I was the house. She was safe, with her cousin and neighbors, in a house nearby but higher up. But 5 minutes into our call they lost power. Sometime later they lost phone service. There is no cell reception there, so we were cut off. I did nothing today but sob and worry about the house, her beloved deck, her cat, our family heirlooms and photo albums (with my declining memory, they are sometimes all I have of my past). I watched news broadcasts online all day. I saw viewers’ photos being posted on the news Facebook page. I panicked and freaked when I saw ones near her, of bridges gone and roads ruined. I still had no idea if her house was okay.

In the end, it is…..mostly. The cat lives. But there was 3 feet of water in the house. Recovering will take a long time, especially since she didn’t have flood insurance because she wasn’t on the flood plain and she was told she didn’t need it. We can only hope that FEMA will be available to help financially. I can’t get to her…..not to her house, because of the ruined roads nearby….not even to my family who live close to her, because of the PA areas being hit right now with flooding and major highways closed.

I have been updating family and her friends. It is reminiscent of calls made the day my dad died. I am retelling the grief and the destruction over and over and yes there is good….she is safe…she has a standing house…but she faces much financial, emotional and physical stress.

Husband and I were going out of town this weekend for a lovely late-anniversary overnight trip to Mystic but we cancelled – even though we now know we can’t do anything for Mom yet, I couldn’t possibly leave this house or do anything but worry. We’ll go another time, soon.

So….tomorrow and this weekend I crack down on cranking out e[lust], doing a much-needed temp job, as much as I can do of it before I go to my mother’s where I will be unable to communicate or have internet. I’d even typed up a few blog posts the other day but….I don’t feel like posting them. I don’t have the ability to be “here”. I can only focus on my mom and what we’re going to do, and making as much money as I can in 4 days. And trying to forget all the abominations I’ve seen on the CalExotics website, or the fact that they claim that TPR/TPE is a “safe” material and non-porous. :)

Next week’s WantonWednesday is prescheduled. e[lust] will be published to the best of my abilities. This blog will be stagnant for a little bit.

I really need something awesomely spectacularly good to land in my lap, soon. Very soon. Universe, I beg of you….give me a break. Give me a little rainbow….

 Posted by at 10:39 pm
Sep 052011

It’s been 20 years since I started high school. My high school was located in Western PA – I wouldn’t say it was an extremely conservative area but diversity wasn’t a word for us.

There were certain groups/types that I could count the number of on one hand – 4 grades, each with over 500 students.

  • Blacks
  • Overweight
  • Pregnant (I’ll go by per grade, but i think the most overall at any one given time during my 4 years was 10)
  • LGBT and open
  • Poor/very low income families

We were kids; and you know the saying “kids can be cruel” – they can. Overcompensating for their own insecurities. So yeah we gossiped and rumored about who might be gay but it was most certainly never in a positive light. Years later I’ve found out that some from my graduating class were in fact gay. Some we’d had an idea, some were a shock. All kept it fairly secret, though. There wasn’t even a hint of Kurt.

Through a situation that I don’t want to tell the entire story on to protect privacy, I found out that the niece of my old friend is an out lesbian AND has a girlfriend. And she’s a sophomore. Not at the same high school we attended, but in a town very nearby. I was shocked, if I’m being perfectly honest, but absolutely thrilled at the same time. Good for her!! She’d told her aunt that she’d known since she was a child. Her parents though are fairly conservative. Her father is a cop – a tough, daughter-protecting sister-protecting closed-minded rigid conservative. Her mother, I’d always thought, was fairly cool albeit quite religious. I’d wrongly assumed that at least her mother was supportive. It brought tears to my eyes when my friend told me that neither parent was supportive (although I’m not sure what exactly they’re unsupportive of – her being a lesbian or being out or having a girlfriend or all three) and that the only supportive adults in her life were my friend and my friend’s late mother.

Since I moved away (but even then, long before that occurred, we’d drifted apart) I had less and less contact with my friend’s family. I used to babysit for the girl and her sister, but the girl was a toddler back then. When I saw them both last year I was frankly surprised they had much memory of me. Bottom line is – I don’t know her. I’m “facebook friends” with her mom, and reconnecting with her aunt (my friend) but I do not know her. I told my friend to pass along my words of encouragement and support, to let the girl know that I think she’s awesome and brave…so brave. I find myself wishing that I could do more but I can’t. It’s not my place.

I know that bullying is rampant these days, I know that gay teen suicide is huge concern. I know that things are still hard for them. But can we maybe take a small “victory” that they’re coming out in high school years, and that it’s an improvement (albeit a very very slow one) from 2 generations ago?

Baby steps. But I wish they were big steps.

 Posted by at 11:23 pm
Aug 172011

As I begin to prepare for the strong possibility of doing a Sex Toy Education Workshop, hosted by a friend, I’m finding that there’s so much information I want to share and I don’t know if I can get it all in.

The first half of the Workshop will be spent talking about the various sex toy materials; their safety rating, their mating habits, their lube preference. The second half will be spent teaching them how to shop for sex toys online – which will include teaching them about reviews.

When I first started buying sex toys it was from places like Adam & Eve and MyPleasure. My husband actually found MP because I’d not been impressed with A&E’s stuff. But the problem with buying sex toys online 6 years ago was that the reviews existed solely on the sex toy retailer’s site. You didn’t know who was writing it, what they had to compare it to, what type of toys they liked or even if it was a real person. Even to this day there are a few sites that have onsite paragraph reviews that just seem iffy – too much praise for a toy that I and others found lacking. I’d say that the first $200 worth of sex toys ended up being disappointments. Sure, the expensive Rabbit was amazing until it died after not too many uses. The only toy that’s survived from my first year of sex toy buying (or rather said, pre-reviewing) was a powerful yet cheap ass “pocket rocket” vibe that had the right type of vibrations for me.

I wish I’d known not to buy jelly toys, that’s a no-brainer. I wish I’d known then about the vibe-in-disguise that is the massager types – Hitachi, Wahl, Acuvibe, etc.

So my question to all my readers, and even the seasoned reviewers, is what mistakes did you make when you bought your first toys? What do you know now that you wish you’d known then? What information could someone have given you that might have resulted in purchases that were not a colossal waste of money? Or, what types of toys/materials had you seen but been too wary to purchase and what information about them changed your mind for the better?

Aug 102011

Yeah. Etsy has sex toys. Primarily glass, and some very damn nice ones at that. There’s the hippydippy ceramic ones that make me want to take a ceramics class just so I can make one better, and there’s the few really unique and awesome silicone dildos.

But then, one night you’re searching for femur bones because of a story you were reminded of regarding a nun masturbating with a charred femur bone and you come across weird shit like a guy who sells small animal parts but then you get the brilliant idea to look at those who make wooden dildos because surely you can make a great replica of a charred femur from a pale wood, right? and then you run across things like this.

Found via Etsy Seller

The good parts “Let the Sergeant take command of your satisfaction. At the front end It has five indented stripes to stimulate the clitoris and “G” Spot. The rear is tapered for anal stimulation. The circumference is very smooth and uniform for full contact.”

Ok. I mean, am I reading this wrong or does it sound like they intend for a straight item to stimulate both the clitoris and the G spot at the same time? And didn’t anybody school them on the ins and outs of buttsex toys, specifically, “must have a flared base”???

And third…’s “finished” with olive oil.


Thank goddess we have places like Hans and NobEssence.

I’m still a little verklempt… amongst yourselves.

Aug 102011

You know how very occasionally someone will surprise you? Yeah. I had that happen recently. A friend who just got separated from a passionless marriage is suddenly behaving like a 23 year old.

Or, rather, how we SHOULD have behaved when WE were 23. Or 21. Good for her. She suddenly opened up like never before we when the talk of sex rolled around I admitted to the very first person from my old life that I have a sex blog. Did I give her the address? Fuck no, LOL. But we discussed her newfound fetishes, her sex drive, what she likes….she kept saying “You’re gonna think we’re freaks” and all I could say was “Trust me honey… have no idea how normal you probably are. I’ve either done it, thought about doing it, wanted to do it, or read about it on FetLife”. But it was nice. It really was. She’s never owned a sex toy, and now would like to explore things with her new man. I loved being able to give advice and tell her how I know all this stuff….that I review sex toys. That we could finally TALK about sex toys.

And while she thinks it’s all awesome and wonderful, what I do and what I write about, I’m still reluctant to show her the blog. And it doesn’t make me any more likely to tell other old friends; frankly she’s the most liberal of them all – at least the ones I consider “friends” enough to even talk to anymore. I can remember years ago when I still lived at home and my now-husband and I first opened up our relationship. Her and I were finally reconnecting again a little and I thought about telling her. I wanted to tell her; I wanted to tell SOMEone. But it never came out the day I was planning to tell her and honestly….that’s probably for the best.

As I look back now I can see the subtle changes in her and how that passionless marriage slowly changed her. As I recall the times prior to their marriage I can still see a little of the girl I used to know when we were best friends in high school (just more vibrant). But I can also recall a time when we reconnected shortly before their wedding and I had just discovered the world of sex toys; I remember excitedly telling her about my rabbit vibrator and the odd look and reaction I got from her – that reaction prevented me from telling anyone else or ever broaching that subject with her again. Now I know what was going on at that time and I can understand.

I have to admit something, while we’re on the subject of age and sexuality – I envy these young bloggers, the ones in college. Sure, I had some fun in college but I was still so repressed compared to now. A vibrator? That hadn’t even entered my world as a fledgling though, lol. So yes……oh how I envy these young bloggers who have already experienced and explored more of their sexuality than I had by age 30. But at least I’m getting there now, right? Better late than never?

Jul 172011

But we’re getting there. In a recent episode of a Showtime show called “The Big C”, two of the women went into a VERY posh-looking sex shop. The focus of this shop seemed to be more towards lingerie and some kink, and definitely geared towards upper class clientele. Not too far off from the sort of people who subscribe to Showtime, as a matter of fact. It’s a premium channel with soft porn late at night and “I swear they’re actually having sex” sex scenes during their prime time original TV shows (same with Weeds – in my little world, the rough Bartender played by Mark Paul Gosselar actually was fucking Nancy/Mary Louise Parker in reality because WOW it’s a hot scene).


I spied a number of Lelo toys as the camera followed them around this shop (I’m curious as to which shop this is in real life), but even though one of them was briefly picked up the vibrators were never given a name-dropping spotlight.

Until our main hero, Cathy (not played by Cynthia Nixon who’s in those above stills) decides that her “spicing up” gift to her husband is a Fleshlight. And they actually say the name Fleshlight, she talks it up like a saleswoman and makes it sound really awesome to her husband. She even dirty-talks him through a fantasy scene to get him comfy with using it in front of her, but that ends up actually making her aroused enough for sex despite her cancer treatment exhaustion. I was so happy to see that the Fleshlight is being talked about in a healthy way – not as a gross, poor substitute for lonely drab men who will never find a woman.

I’m wondering if Lelo and Fleshlight paid to be spotlighted, or just Fleshlight since they were the only ones mentioned by name. I’d also like to know about the shop, but I can’t find anything online where the shop name is being given out.

We’re getting there, slowly, sex toys are being shown as something “normal”. George Clooney’s character in “Burn After Reading” toted around a Liberator shape to every sexual hook-up (he also built a fuck-machine-cum-exercise-bike in that movie, too, didn’t he?) but that movie was one of those “weird”ish movies anyways.

Where else have you seen sex toys being portrayed in a positive light in either TV or movies?