Posted by Lilly | 2 Comments

How (not) to Impress and Woo on Okcupid: Message Dos and Don’ts

When your first line of communication is text-based, you  really should try to make a good first impression. I don’t mean that you need to hire Cyrano to ghost-write your profile, or be insincere or embellish anything. Be yourself. However, be yourself with decent spelling, grammar and punctuation. We’re not grading here (unless you message a teacher) but it speaks louder than your words: It says “I don’t care”.  For reference, Case File #267:

His first message:

Hey how are you
I am Shane I would like to talk and get to know you
I saw you and I have a bit in common and seem to be looking ¹
for the same things let me know ifi ts possible
shane

My response:

#1. I do not know what the hell this means: “you are defiantly raland honest then i look foward to getting to know you” ²

#2. You live more than an hour from me. Which means you didn’t read my profile. ³

#3. You would not consider having an open relationship – since I am married, that would make things impossible ⁴

#4. You seem to be a conservative Christian. We have very opposing views that I find important. ⁵

Are you just sending this same message out to everyone, hoping someone will take the bait? Seems like it.⁶

His “zinger”:

omg seriously no i am not sending same message
you way over analyze things and read to much into things that are not there
and i was simply trying to talk and get to know you
its your personality alone right there in this email that i a huge turn off
and that will keep u from getting a decent man if you do they will be nothing more then a door mat cause i am not one to sit by and talk to anyone who insults me when all i did was try and be nice and talk to them learn how to approach people you are shallow and close minded and personally it makes you insignificant take care dont bother replying im blocking you⁷

Other gems from his profile include:

“Looking for the right person to get to know see where it can lead and have turn to some thing long term and amazing. Hey wait lol a guy who is not afraid of commitment lol.”

“im not a bar or club person
not my style like going out butttttttt
would rather be with someone i am with at home”

“I DO NOT DO FWB FLINGS OR RANDOM HOOK UPS
SO IF THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE INTO PLEASE DO NOT MESSAGE ME “

I didn’t change a thing on those.

This says so many things to me. First, he’s 34. He’s way past the “text speak” generation (which is never any excuse, anyways). Unless the whole entire profile was written from his smartphone OkCupid App, then the lack of punctuation, capitalization, sentence structure and odd line spacing just scream “Lazy”. I really don’t know what else to think. Theory is, you’re trying to woo people, impress them, show your best side. If this is his best side then I’d hate to see the rest.

Make your first message count. Make it personal, but on the flip side don’t write 4 long paragraphs. If you have things in common, point them out. Ask a question other than “Hey what’s up / how are you / does this thing work for you”. *yawn* I actually say right off the bat in my profile to please not just message me with “Hey what’s up” or “Hi” or “Nice pics” because it’s lazy and I won’t respond. It’s the first sentence. So when I get message like that, and yeah of course I do, they immediately get trashed because it’s clear they didn’t read my profile. And if you’re on a site like OkCupid – why in the fuck wouldn’t you read someone’s profile before messaging them??

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Tantus Giveaway! Get your hands on the Anaconda or the Bend Over kit!

Open to US participants – Win a Tantus Anaconda dildo or their Bend Over Intermediate kit (plus a t-shirt!) – Contest ends Feb 29th

Now that I’ve told you everything nerdy about silicone sex toys and Tantus sex toys, you get a chance to own one! The winner will get to choose between the Anaconda ¹ or the Bend Over Intermediate Kit (I’m sure the lovely Jenna will let you choose your favorite color).

The Anaconda dildo is awesome because it has a handle. It’s a dildo..on a stick. ² Ok no it’s not on a stick, sorry. But it is really unique. The Anaconda is made of a very firm silicone – for those of you familiar with the Flex, it’s like that, or those of you familiar with any O2 dildo it’s like the bottom layer. Solid, very solid. This enables the handle to actually, yanno, be a handle. It’s nearly a foot long overall, with 4″ of handle and 7″ of dildo (which is 1.75″ wide). You’ll have your choice of 3 colors.

The Bend Over Intermediate kit is great for pegging or vaginal sex. The super-comfortable Bend Over harness has a padded front, holds a bullet vibe for the wearer, and comes with 2 dildos, the Silk Medium: 1.25″ x 5.5″ and the Silk Large: 1.5″ x 7″. The harness will fit hips up to 60″. The o-ring snap point is really secure because it has 4 straps that hold the o-ring, not just 3. You can pick either the black or the purple kit.

I’ll be using the handy Rafflecopter to take in entries. If you have any questions at all on how to quantify your entry, leave a comment on this post and I’ll get back to you. While I would love to use the honor system, not everybody that enters contests is honorable, sadly, so I’ll need the link for confirmation (smart people will TEST their link to make sure it leads to something I’ll be able to see, or include a link to a screenshot of the submission to Reddit/Stumble/Digg if all else fails). Invalid entries will get tossed, I won’t be hunting you down to fix it. You may share a single post across all 4 social media sites, but then you can’t share/submit that one again for this contest.

p.s. did you know that you can use Facebook to sign into Stumbleupon & Digg? Makes it pretty easy to get daily entries.

The winner will get to choose between the Anaconda or the Bend Over kit; the winner will also get a t-shirt! (sizes S-3X) And yes, there will only be one winner overall, not one winner for each prize – I simply wanted my winner to have options. There’s plenty of things to do every day for an entry, though! Please be sure to read the terms and rules, k?

Since I clearly have to spell this out: Note to those doing the Facebook entries: You must be logged into Facebook when you “like” things, and do it through the Like button within Rafflecopter. If you don’t, it won’t provide me a link to your facebook, and without that I have no way of verifying your entry. Therefore, your entry will be invalid and removed, you won’t be entered into the drawing.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

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Posted by Lilly | 0 Comments

e[lust] 33

Photo courtesy of Penny

Welcome to e[lust], the sex blog round-up- The best posts from the hottest and smartest sex bloggers all in one place! This edition highlights topics such as STI’s, swingers and poly relationships, spanking, role play and so much more. Want to be included in e[lust] #34? Start with the rules, come back in February to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ The Top Three Posts ~

I’m The 48% – I keep breathing. Strangely enough, the world didn’t end at that precise moment. I felt numb. I stared at those two red lines on the monitor.

Can Swingers be Happily Married? Long Term? – Swinging can be an exhilarating experience. It requires sincerity, honesty, vulnerability, strength, forgiveness, and patience.

Secretary - I was a little worried: my intentions in placing the ad had been purely dishonorable, but her response offered no evidence that she correctly divined my intentions.

~ e[lust] Editress ~

Why I Write – And Respect – Negative Sex Toy Reviews – I call a spade a spade, and name it out for being crap no matter if it’s $39 crap or $139 crap. Crap is crap and you shouldn’t have to buy it.

~ Featured Post (Picked by Lilly) ~

A Little Spanking Can Go A Long Way – All I could do was hold on until it was over. It was more than I could take, but I took it and, of course, I loved it.

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Click here to read more

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Posted by Lilly | 3 Comments

That turnip truck? I didn’t fall off it yesterday.

I swear it’s almost like creating that douche-proof contact form was like a request to the blogging angels for comedic gold.

If by comedic I mean bashing-my-head-off-the-wall I’m-surrounded-by-idiots haha funny.

Bloggers, a heads-up here, please…don’t be taken in by this guy. Greer is a part of a group of “entrepreneurs” who have this awesome idea of a “sexual lifestyle brand for women that takes the guess work out of choosing sex toys and related products while providing a narrative fantasy and user content- all in a monthly format”. I’ve read that line over a bunch of times and I still don’t get what they truly mean. It gets better though.

“I came across all of your companies and site through my research and was wondering if you ever consult with new companies? We are a young group of entrepreneurs who do not have previous contacts in the sex toy or erotic writing industry and could really use professional guidance. We want to appeal to woman in a huge capacity and contribute to female sexual autonomy.”

I just had to be SURE before I continued on, so I asked “Ok let me make sure I understand things. You want to create something that will help women choose sex toys, yet you have no experience yourselves in this subject and are looking for free consulting?”

“We are not looking for free consulting. We are looking for people to network with who are experts in the industry and could point us in a constructive direction. Someone who has a lot of contacts within the industry. These people could be future contributors once our company has more funding and we are able to compensate them. It would become a mutually beneficial business relationship. We know how to build brands and have a great idea, we just need to start meeting individuals who know the industry better than we do.”

I mean, that’s the very definition of CONSULTING. He even said the word consulting in his first email. Oh and he tried to be sneaky and chose the “I’m a reader of your blog and I just want to say hello!” option on the regular contact form. tsk tsk, Greer, you didn’t really read much here, did ya? You know I love helping people. Genuine people who need help choosing a sex toy and have specific questions that couldn’t be answered on any retail site or book. That’s the beauty of blogger reviews. We’re real people with email addresses and we love to answer questions. But to try and take advantage of that good will and use it to make money while giving me the “well maybe someday when we’ve turned enough profit that all our bills are paid and we’re paid you could possibly become a paid contributor” schlemiel. The other day in my site tracker I noticed that I was getting a lot of hits to my Jelly Sex Toys are Dangerous post from a UK Mommy forum. Whenever I get hits from forums I go check out the conversation and sometimes I register so that I can clarify things, which is what I did. This poor gal is pregnant and as many pregnant women are, utterly hyperaware of keeping her fetus safe and healthy. When she read my post about the jelly toys she freaked and wasn’t sure how she could possibly broach such a shameful topic to her doctor and ask if she was poisoning the fetus. Sadly she’s so freaked out and hormonal (I get it, I do, I’m not mocking her or invalidating her) that she’s sworn off ALL sex toys despite what I said. But I did my best to confirm that they can be very bad or they can be ok, but you never know and how porous they are, etc etc etc. Told her to switch to silicone or use a condom. I’m more than happy to answer these questions. But try to take advantage of that for your own profit and I’m suddenly not so sweet. My reply to him basically said all of the above but a bit more concisely and bluntly. He agreed that oh yes, I’m very smart which is why they asked for my help and weren’t trying to insult me. Riiiight. Please repeat your 2-year college course on business, you didn’t absorb anything. I would be thrilled to consult on a project that doesn’t read as insulting or sexist and I know my worth.

Please, know your worth. Ok?

Recently another head-bashing moment occurred completely unrelated to my contact form because I contacted them. The very first company that sent me toys to review, VibeReview, has had quite the stale site. Their “new toys” section stills lists the Natural Contours Petite which has been out for YEARS. Combine all this with the fact that I had a reader try to purchase from them a few months back with nothing but troubles and I’m wondering if they’re even still in business. A lot of things are not in stock. Color me surprised when I get a response:

“Yes we are still in business – and yes, as you’ve correctly pointed out, we have been a bit slow in adding many of the newer items.  Most of the stuff that’s come out in the last couple of years is just a repackaging of stuff we already sell, but if there are some items you would like to see on the site, let me know and we can add them.”

It took me a minute to pick my jaw up off the floor. For SERIOUS? I mean, I still read that second sentence and am rendered speechless. I….I….

I tried to answer. I tried to list off all the things that are new, innovative and that tons of people are searching for on Google.

I said: “I would highly disagree that most items put out in the last year is a repackaging of stuff you already sell. While I don’t think much of their latest line, there’s a number of Lelo toys that would warrant a listing; many Tantus items; Fun Factory, Je Joue, We Vibe….I could go on and on…so much as happened in the last few years. Many of the items I recommend to others aren’t on your site. None of the Mystic Wands, nothing by Tenga, none of the new and improved Nexus items, no wooden dildos….it pretty much looks like nearly everything on the site is the same stuff that was there when I stopped reviewing for your company (which was largely because anything that was worth trying out that looked decent, VR didn’t carry) in 2009. Unfortunately, your answer is a huge let-down to me and I’m sure it would be to many of the innovative manufacturers that have put out things in the last 3 years. If you truly believe what you’ve said, then I don’t think I can support VibeReview to be honest.”

And you know what? They had no response. Which just drove my point home even further.

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Posted by Lilly | 14 Comments

Should we bring back the Sex Blogger Co-Op for a trial revival?

A number of the 100-some original members are long gone and in their place are newer bloggers who don’t know about the thing that was once the Sex Blogger Co-Op on Ning.com. For a refresher or those who don’t know what it’s all about, read these few posts: Blogger Education? talks a bit about the demise andProjects Abound introduces the Co-Op and talks about what it was.

When the Co-Op moved it was because Ning announced it would no longer host their long-time free networks. They were also closing down “adult” communities without warning and that spooked a few people, despite the fact that our group was private, invite-only and not pornographic. The move to a more text-based forum set-up hosted on the e[lust] site spelled disaster as nobody wanted to to go there anymore. It wasn’t easy or pretty. Without any participation from other members, I closed it down.

I still think there is a need for it, for a private place for just the bloggers to go where we can say “Hey, did you get an email from CompanyX? Is this shit for real?” or stuff like that. For those who were not a part of it, some things we discussed were:

• Tutorials on how to do certain things on your blog, like design elements, a clickable header, embedding video
• Discussions on affiliate programs
• Opinions on the latest company/group to hit us up for reviews/exposure
• Discussion on advertisers, like what they were proposing, who was telling them to go to hell, etc
• Blogging prompts

There were debates, arguments, but overall a lot of help being offered and confused questions answered. I’d like to think that it was just as helpful to newer bloggers as it was the veterans. While I don’t expect every sex-type blogger to join I would hope that both veteran and new bloggers would join in, and be active. How active? Whatever you manage….to a point. Since there would be a member cap (150 people) I would have to occasionally weed out those who hadn’t participated in any way for X number of months. It’s not free, of course. The cheap plan (similar to the ToySwap Network, if you’re a member there) allows for forums (including the ability to subscribe to threads or boards to get email updates on new posts) and 150 members. Things that we once had that we would no longer have: The ability for anybody but me to invite people in to the network; chat room; ability to customize the layout. We would lose the few topics that were started or continued once the network moved off of Ning but I don’t think that it’s really a big deal. All the old discussions remain as do your memberships if you were once part of it.

For those who were once a part of it: Would you re-join? It would still be private and invite-only as I feel that it’s the only way we can truly speak our minds on some things. For those who are newer, would you join?

And no, it’s not free. As I said there would be a small price ($3 for me) but the next plan up is a whopping $25 a month and although it will give us many of the features we enjoyed with the free Ning, like chat rooms and customization and no member cap I don’t think that I could get enough people to chip in to come up with a steady $25 a month. I would not require that every blogger contribute something monetarily in order to join but I would greatly appreciate it. I would only ask for a couple dollars per person able to contribute, as it will only cost me $36 a year. And since it’s a month-to-month payment plan if for some reason the whole thing takes off like it never did before and there is a need and willingness to warrant the $25 a month plan, we can upgrade. I don’t see that happening but it’s a door I’m not closing.

If I don’t get much feedback here or much positive feedback then I will allow Ning to delete the network and the contents. I have until February 10th to decide.

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Posted by Lilly | 4 Comments

Interview with a Sex Toy Reviewer: Part 3: Epiphora

Continuing the interviews after Elizabeth Red in Part 2 and answering these questions myself in Part 1  

Epiphora is a sex toy reviewer first and foremost. She does what she loves, what she does best, and she has a big following. She’s been controversial at times and never shuts her mouth for anybody or anything – and usually she uses her powers for good. But oh when she hates something, and she really fucking hates it, we love to read it! Epiphora is one of the few fellow toy reviewers who joins me in the “Proud to Post Negative Reviews” camp of those who will be as harsh as we feel is necessary (and boy howdy sometimes it’s really fuckin necessary). Her virtual toy box rivals most and especially trumps mine. Epiphora is the second in a short series of long-time reviewers that I’ve asked to answer 4 easy (or are they?) questions about sex toys and reviewing.

1. How many toys, roughly, have you reviewed or acquired in other ways since you started reviewing?

2. How many of them actually saw a lot of use past the review session?

3. What toys have been your top favorites over all the time you’ve been reviewing?

4. What has been the most important thing or two you’ve learned since becoming a reviewer that you didn’t know as a consumer?

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