“Are there any decent remote control vibrators?” is probably one of the top five questions I get asked. Since I first wrote about this in 2011, a bunch of new contenders have come on to the market. Most I discount immediately, because the first requirement of a decent remote control vibrator can be figured out just from seeing photos online and reading the description – many of the remote controlled vibrators offer only a tiny remote with a button or two and nothing to give you feedback. The Secret Vibe Remote Control Vibrator nails the first requirement. It’s why I considered reviewing it. But to have success, and not frustration, when using a remote control vibrator in public all three of these requirements must be met:
1. The remote needs to tell the person controlling the vibrator what the person wearing the vibrator is feeling, while being discreet enough that the user feels comfortable handling it in public.
2. The vibrator needs to be powerful enough to be felt, quiet enough for public play use, and designed well enough to be worn comfortably.
3. The wireless connection needs to work through a layer of clothing, through flesh, and from across a room. Bonus points for working through a wall.
The third requirement is decent, not bad, for the Secret Vibe. Holding the vibe in my hand, the connection went across two rooms and through a wall. Inserted, or in panties (both while wearing pants) however it only worked from at most 20 feet away. Which is….tolerable. It’s better than some I’ve dealt with.
So all that’s left is the third requirement, the vibrator. And this is where Marc Dorcel’s Secret Vibe Remote Control Vibrator fails so, so hard. Surface-buzzy vibrations that are on par with the weakest I’ve ever felt. Judging by the sheer size of the vibrator, I’m going to assume it’s meant for insertion. I don’t personally get that; I don’t ever get off from just internal vibrations, nor do they even really do anything to arouse me. If you thought my clitoris was made of steel, apparently my vagina is even worse. As I clicked through the 10 settings (7 patterns, 3 apparent levels of intensity) I couldn’t discern a difference between the settings and the “vibration” was not pleasurable or arousing to me1. Used externally, I could feel differences in the vibration intensity but the vibrations are such crap that I actually preferred a few of the pattern settings because it was the only way I could feel anything pleasurable. Ok so maybe it’s a great size I guess for internal stimulation, but what if that’s not what you want? What if the feeling of one tiny caged bee whispering at your g-spot doesn’t do it for you?
Under the best of circumstances (no pressure, very aroused, watching my preferred type of “porn”, etc) I’ve been able to orgasm from the lowest setting on the We-Vibe Tango, so it’s really less about sheer power than it is about the type of vibrations. The extremely buzzy vibrations of the Secret Vibe feel almost ticklish/itchy when used externally unless I’m sitting and therefore there’s decent pressure being applied. But there is no way in hell that I’d be able to orgasm from this vibrator. Maybe someone who is much, much more sensitive than I am would be able to. Maybe that’s not the point for many people. If you’re really into tease & denial, then hey this could be perfect. Because it’s fairly unlikely to bring someone to orgasm, especially when inserted.
On the “strongest” setting, it’s a bit noisy if you’re using it externally and you don’t have fuller outer labia like I do to muffle the sound. Not ideal in this case for super-quiet settings without ambient noise. The vibe itself uses two AAA batteries. I tried to use a better quality battery than they included and it really didn’t improve matters. Oddly, there is space for 3 AAA batteries, so I don’t understand why they’re not utilizing that, unless the motor is just so wimpy, more power behind it wouldn’t matter. The remote uses a little 12V job which isn’t hard to find. The batteries also lasted while, and the remote shows battery level of the remote itself. I wish it showed the battery level of the vibrator.
All in all, if only the vibrator weren’t so weak, I could fully recommend this. But it’s just so damn paltry. Maybe if this thing cost less than $30, I’d feel a little more okay recommending it for external use if you can tolerate it. But a retail price of $70? Nope. Sadly I’ve also got to assume that the Genius Secret Vibe, the anal-safe version, is going to be identical save for the anal-safe sleeve. I can’t recommend either vibrator. There are some other flaws, too. The bullet, when screwed together with batteries inserted, is very finicky. I’ve had a lot of trouble getting it started. It can’t be screwed too loose or too tight, there’s some bizarre Goldilocks setting that will take much fiddling around to locate. I wanted to like this, I had hoped I would like this. So, what now? The answer is simple: Gear up and head out. The quest to find a great remote control vibrator is still on. I’m not giving up.
How do YOU use remote control vibrators? Externally or internally? Do you want to be teased, with no hope of orgasm? Have you ever found a remote control vibrator that passes all three requirements?
Thanks to SheVibe for providing me with the Secret Vibe Remote Control Vibrator in exchange for my very honest review!
- I even went out and purchased a brand new set of the most powerful-looking AAA batteries on the market, hoping that, as an on-site reviewer noted, the included batteries were crap. No dice. ↩