Lilly

Feb 122016
 

Doxy Die Cast vs Doxy Wand OriginalThe Doxy Die Cast wand vibrator looks like a high-tech work of art. But are the differences from the Doxy Wand Original just cosmetic? I’ve had a number of people ask me lately about the differences between the Doxy Original and Doxy Die Cast, primarily to know if the $60 jump for the Die Cast is worth it. I talked about the Die Cast in a pre-review video a few months ago but didn’t really get into the differences. (Note: In March, the minimum pricing for both Doxy Wands will increase – Original by $10 (so it will be $139 at SheVibe), Die Cast by $20, which puts the Die Cast just over $200 at SheVibe)

The Die Cast’s biggest difference is the looks, of course. A black head and shiny titanium body, glowing blue buttons and a cool grey case. It is pretty bad-ass looking. The head covering is silicone, which is an upgrade over the regular Doxy. They describe it as a “double-weighted” motor.

“Made from aluminum and cast on-site, the weight and mechanism inside the Doxy’s head means it rolls and rumbles, rather than buzzes. Offering powerful vibrations that penetrate deep into the body, it’s extraordinarily effective when used as a general body massager, or for intimate intentions. While many find themselves satisfied with the lower settings, the Doxy can reach up to 9,000 RPM: it’s the perfect tool for those who want the option to play hard and fast.”

Alright What About The Vibrations?

The RPMs: It’s a lot more than Magic Wand, but I don’t really put much stock in RPM. The We-Vibe was last reported as 5500 RPM (and I think the We-Vibe is pretty mild), the Magic Wand Rechargeable at 6300 and I think that the power level of the Doxy vs MWR is damn near identical. So moving on to….

The Double Weighted Head: It’s supposed to make the vibrations feel more thuddy, but I’ve always had a rather impressive measuring stick to hold “rumbly” or “thuddy” wands to: the Lelo Smart Wand Large. And it’s nowhere near that. In fact, the most I can really say about the Doxy Die Cast is that it’s definitely less buzzy vs the Doxy Original (or Magic Wand). I held both the Doxy Die Cast and Doxy Original in a cupped palm for a few minutes, damn near meditating on the differences, and after all of that my hand that held the Doxy Original head felt weird for about 10 minutes after – kinda tingly, kinda numb. On high, the Doxy Original is still numbing to my genitals like the Magic Wand is, but at least I can use the lower settings and be okay. On high the Doxy Die Cast actually numbs me quite a bit less.

Somehow the difference almost makes the Die Cast feel a tiny smidge less powerful; but the vibrations are more comfortable. I think that’s why they originally felt more powerful to me; it was actually because my genitals weren’t going numb so quickly. Hey, that’s a good thing and I’ll take it.

But It’s So Sexy

I’ll admit, the Doxy Original always kinda reminded me of the extra-large TV remotes for older folks back when universal remotes were a new thing and we didn’t have fancy cable boxes so you could get away with a remote with 12 buttons that were huge. The Die Cast just looks sexy. And all that metal means it can be COLD, too, so it’s not a great thing to use in the winter if your house is cold. The metal means it’s 6 ounces heavier (1 lb 8 oz). The silicone head vs PVC head is more firm, and that matters to people who like a lot of pressure with their wand toys. But for some people the cosmetic looks of a sex toy really matter, and the Die Cast is for those people. Plus it comes with its own case, and finding a good storage/travel case for the big wands is always a problem. The case is lovely – it comes with foam padding to keep the wand in place and protected, and the zipper is good. I took out the foam so that I didn’t have to fiddle with getting the large plug situated correctly each time. I actually wouldn’t mind leaving this out for use as a body massager; it definitely looks like something you’d get at Sharper Image (whereas the Lelo SMW is more Brookstone).

Is it noisy? Well yeah, compared to other powerhouse vibes like the Rave or Prism, it is. It’s a wand. I do have the Wands in a water-displacement / noise video which I made for the Doxy Skittle review here. The Doxy Original is at 1:14, and Doxy Die Cast follows it, at 1:35.

Doxy Die Cast with Vixen Gee Whizzard attachment Doxy Die Cast Case

Overall, I’m torn. I wanted the Doxy Die Cast to be more rumbly like the Lelo Smart Wand Large is rumbly; but Doxy’s customer service and warranty is a lot better (read: reliable, friendly, it WILL get replaced) than Lelo. And I do like the Doxy Wands better than the Magic Wand (unless you reallllly want rechargeable, then you’re out of luck with Doxy) because of the vast number of intensity settings. I think most people are gonna go for the Doxy Original because $189 (soon to be $209) at SheVibe for the Die Cast is harder for most people to swallow. I can tell you that both Doxy Wands are made well, and honestly seem to be a little bit better made than the Magic Wand Original. And they’re more versatile than the MW. Both Doxy Wands will be compatible with all attachments meant for the Magic Wand. In fact, I think they are MORE compatible. Just like the Gee Whiz worked far better on the Smart Wand Large vs the Magic Wand, it works far better on the Doxy than the Magic Wand. The vibrations transmit so much better, resulting in a lot of vibration in that shaft! Bonus points: The Gee Whiz matches the blue of the Doxy Die Cast buttons.

 

Doxy sent me this in exchange for my fair and honest review. Thank you Doxy!

Jan 312016
 

Looking for the most powerful G-spot vibrator? I list out 5 powerful g-spot vibrator that will rock your world. Some people, like me, need a seriously powerful G-spot vibrator. A little over 4 years ago a comment came in on a review for the Jopen Vanity VR6 – at the time the vibrator with the most powerful, most rumbly internal vibrations I’d ever felt – to ask if I still felt the same way about it after 8 months. At the time, I did. Over the years I would go back and update the post but the last update was in 2013 and my, how times have changed.

I no longer have to resort to finagling an ill-fitting rabbit vibrator just to experience internal vibrations that will rock the socks off not only my G-spot, but my internal clitoris. I have CHOICES! But I’m not just looking for a powerful G-spot vibrator – I’m looking for a seriously *rumbly* powerful G-spot vibrator. The rumbles make it powerful. I happen to be a rumble aficionado, doncha know. My genitals are a divining rod for rumble. Many a copywriter – and even a few reviewers – have tried to tell me “This is rumbly” but nay nay, I detected buzz. I have scoffed at vibrator claims of being the most powerful and “seriously rumbly“.  For a vibrator to be on this list, it must be devoid of buzz. I must be able to say “Hey, if Barry White’s voice were a vibrator, this might be it”.  Please note that this list is only for G-spot vibrators. I may end up doing a post on the top 10 most rumbly vibrators, period, if that’s of interest.

1.  We-Vibe Rave – The new Rave is currently the most powerful G-spot vibrator I own. It overpowers my beloved L’amourose Prism V and Rosa Rouge. It has a unique, asymmetrical shape to it that allows for a twisting motion to ping the g-spot, rather than just thrusting. It’s a very unique sensation, but less unique to those who have already been a fan of Laid dildos. Due to the shorter stature overall, and my laziness, the shape of the Rave doesn’t win out for me over the shape of the Prism V but I cannot deny that the Rave is indeed a damn powerful G-spot vibrator. It’s excellent for external use, too, as are all of these.

2. L’amourose Prism V – The Prism V gets second place which is technically a tie because the Rave is a bit more powerful; however the shape of the Prism V absolutely enchants my G-spot. It allows me to do minimal work for maximum pressure. It challenges my dildo preferences (which I usually prefer in the 1.75″ wide range) by being fairly slender, but the rigidity and curve remind me of my utterly beloved Pure Wand – it’s probably the closest thing to Pure Wand + Awesome Vibration as I’ll ever get.  The Prism VII works well too, but it’s billed as a dual-stim vibe and for me it fails as that. It could be the answer for a powerful prostate vibrator, though.

3. L’amourose Rosa / Rosa Rouge – Rosa Rouge was my first L’amourose love, and continues to be but I like it for external use where I can feel the heat the most. I really think L’amourose underestimates how much more effective the heat is on the vulva and clitoris vs internal. The Rosa / Rosa Rouge is a little more quiet than the Prism V but just as powerful. You’d prefer the Rosa if you are NOT a fan of firm pressure and want a vibrator with a little give to it. Naturally the Denia is the dual-stim equivalent, and also holds a strong place in my heart. Despite the fact that I use the Rosa Rouga externally more often than internally, I still feel that the Rosa is a fabulous g-spot vibe. It was the first vibrator in a very long time that got me excited about internal vibrations. Thrusters will love the not-overly subtle ridge at the bottom of the head, and the thinner body will appeal to those who want some girth at their g-spot but not their vaginal entrance. I’ve read glowing reviews about the Rosa as a prostate vibrator; it has downfalls for that aspect, which I can explain if you want to hear about it.

4. Fun Factory G5 – You’ll notice I didn’t list a particular model. I have the Patchy Paul but really I think any of the G5’s fit the bill as a powerful G-spot vibrator. The thick silicone does dampen vibration a little (which was why I didn’t love the G4 line, it didn’t feel impressive enough to me) but it is an option for those who don’t like solid, rigid g-spot vibrators with a hefty curve or for those who need girth (which the G5 Big Boss can deliver) for their g-spot instead of a curved head. The ribs on the Patchy Paul and ridges on the Tiger combined with Fun Factory’s draggy silicone can provide the tug and “tap” on the g-spot that many prefer over pressure. One caveat: Even if you’re not someone who normally needs lube, you’ll probably need lube with FF’s silicone. It’s very draggy/textured compared to Lelo/L’amourose/We-Vibe/Je Joue. Also: The Tiger has a bit of a flare to make it anal-safe, so this is potentially a prostate option. Pick up something awesome here.

5. Evolved Novelties Roulette LineIt’s been a long time since I reviewed one of these and now I own two. The Evolved Roulette line is a battery-powered silicone powerhouse vibrator. Rumbly and deep, it packs a serious (albeit kinda noisy) punch. The single wheel makes one-handed use a snap, and the silicone, while firm, still has bend and give to it. For those who can’t afford a rechargeable vibrator yet, this would be a great place to start. It’s powered by 2 AA batteries and to get the most bang I’d suggest using those extra-powerful batteries meant for electronics. They do seem to have a bit of an edge over standard Duracells but admittedly this can become a pricey habit. 

Because I can’t leave well enough alone, I have to sneak a bonus recommendation in here. It doesn’t really fit the bill and I think that the others will be gentler on your wallet but hey, it is a versatile suggestion.  This option is something I mentioned in an update to the original post and while it’s a less satisfactory option due to price, it’s still something to consider: The Lelo Smart Wand Large coupled with a topper like the Vixen Gee Whizzard. The Gee Whizzard (or Whiz) is a more pliable silicone and won’t provide pressure but the deep, rumbling vibrations from the Smart Wand Large turn the Gee Whiz into a seriously powerful G-spot vibrator and you get multiple toys in one! The Smart Wand Large is significantly more rumbly than any other wand on the market right now and as such the vibrations from it travel through dildo-wand-toppers so much better than the Magic Wand for which they were made. Unfortunately it comes with Lelo’s spotty customer service and a recent Lelo price hike which has turned this combo into something seriously pricey.

Those of you who love the Lelo Mona 2 might be side-eyeing me really hard right now for not putting it on the list. I feel like the vibrations on it dampen quite a bit for g-spot use and I simply enjoy the vibrations of the Rave and L’amourose considerably more than the Mona. If you feel I’ve made a terrible error in leaving out one of your favorites, let me know and I’ll debate it with you, haha. Or try it for myself.

Jan 222016
 

BWE1One of my first erotica books was a Best Women’s Erotica of the Year. My local Barnes & Noble had two shelves for erotica books and BWE caught my eye immediately.  Back then, BWE had a year name in the title but apparently this caused book stores to send them back at the end of the year, thinking people wouldn’t buy past year’s books. I always wanted to find back editions because I liked the book so much. So Cleis Press now is starting over with Volume 1, and the lovely Rachel Kramer Bussel is editing (and contributing!). Rachel is a prolific writer of both erotica and editorial pieces. Her work spreads far and wide in print and Internet. If nothing else from this contest, let me introduce you to Rachel because you don’t want to miss out on her writing1.

I don’t really review books anymore because I lack the time and post scheduling resources, but I love Rachel so much that I couldn’t say no to introducing my readers to her and Best Women’s Erotica of the Year. I’ve had time to check out a few stories in the book and what I’ve had time to read has been *really good*. BWE Volume 1 has 22 very varied stories, including BDSM, heterosexual, lesbian and bisexual stories, stories featuring women with trans men, one sci-fi story and one historical story, several women in their forties and more. I’ve got an excerpt for you below from Rachel’s story, but if you visit the book’s website, you can find excerpts from 5 more stories!

I highly recommend this book! The stories I’ve read so far have focused on hetero, cis couples but I know from Rachel’s info that there is a little more diversity. She is aiming to have more work by and about trans women in the next volume (which is open for submissions!). I have such faith that you will love this book too that I want one of you to win one, and you have tons of ways to gather entries. You’ll notice a lot of people down there that can be followed on Twitter for entries – besides myself, Rachel and Cleis Press the rest all are authors who have stories in this book. If you’re a fan of erotica, please consider following these very talented people! One lucky US winner will get a paperback copy. You can find BWE Volume 1 on Amazon in the US, UK, and Canada.

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From Best Women’s Erotica of the Year, Volume 1, published by Cleis Press, edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel

Flying Solo

by Rachel Kramer Bussel

 

I’ve made sure my camera has plenty of battery left for this trip, because you’re not here to watch me. I wish you were, but life sometimes keeps us apart. You didn’t ask me to, but I want to send you photos of me naked, turned on, wet for you. Even though you’re not talking up a storm as you usually are when we travel, I feel you with me as I pass through security, and especially as I head to the gate and start casually, quietly, discreetly looking around, the way we did on our honeymoon. Has it really been four years? They’ve flown by.

I’ll never forget sitting with you and hearing you whisper, “Find someone to take back to our hotel room with us.” You didn’t specify if it should be a man or a woman, and although I’d never considered it before, the idea of being pressed between you and another man made me so excited I almost spilled the medium coffee I’d just purchased. You took it from my hand and blew through the small opening in the plastic top for me, raising your eyebrows. I giggled, then started looking. I reached for your hand for support; you squeezed it but then let me go. I fiddled with my wedding ring, twisting around the new gold band over and over, afraid I looked like a kid in a candy store.

You’d whispered to me again. “I’m just so madly in love with you, and I think this should be a new tradition; when we travel, we find someone to join us. Just for fun, no strings attached.” I’d spent the entire time before we boarded perusing every adult sitting around us, mentally undressing them, wondering who had piercings or tattoos, who was kinky, who was the best kisser. I pictured the tall man in a suit, speaking rapidly in Spanish on the phone, with his cock in your mouth. I pictured the short, curvy redhead with her head buried between my legs while you entered her from behind.

“Well?” you’d asked, as they started to board the plane.

“I can’t decide. And I certainly can’t go up to any of these people. What am I going to say? ‘I just got married and my husband wants to have a threesome?’” Yet even saying those unspeakable words made me wet, made my mind and heart race. I’d told you that I was bisexual after our third date, wanting to make sure you wouldn’t have that awful, frat-boy, “That’s hot!” reaction that even most seemingly sophisticated men busted out once I revealed I went both ways. You just nodded and let me tell you all about Simone, the gorgeous woman with the smoky voice and beautiful, curvy body I’d most recently bedded.

I’d fallen in love with you in part because you let me tell you anything, and in turn revealed some of your fantasies. We’d tried out many of them—bondage, strap-ons, hot wax. We’d talked about threesomes and orgies but in a fantasy way, until that trip. For whatever reason, you’d never mentioned wanting to be with another man, but I liked learning new things about you just when I thought I knew it all. “Let’s wait until we’re on the plane,” I’d said, and lucky me: my dream girl, the one whose face I kept returning to, was sitting next to me on the plane. You’d pretended to sleep while I made small talk with her, all the while working up the courage to say what I most wanted to. As it turned out, she’d been the one to whisper in my ear, “I wish I could be alone with you for an hour. I want to kiss you all over.”

I’d stared right back at her, barely hearing the screaming infant behind us, or the  blaring music from the woman’s headphones in front of us. I just saw her, Katia, her ripe, naturally pink lips, her jet-black hair, the tiny diamond glinting from her lightly freckled nose. When I reached up and traced her lips, you’d stirred, gently knocking my knee with yours.

 

  1.  Rachel Kramer Bussel (rachelkramerbussel.com) is an author, editor, event organizer and writing instructor. She’s edited over 60 anthologies, most recently Best Women’s Erotica of the Year, Volume 1, Dirty Dates; Erotic Fantasies for Couples and Come Again: Sex Toy Erotica. She’s the author of Sex & Cupcakes: A Juicy Collection of Essays and writes widely about sex, dating, books, pop culture, body image and feminism. Find her @raquelita on Twitter.
 Posted by at 12:06 pm
Jan 142016
 

Sex toy copycats

This is a think-piece that has been brewing for awhile, and it’s been sitting here brewing because I don’t really have answers. I’m just going to say right here and now that I’d like your opinions — reviewers, consumers, and store owners — on this matter.

There are three types of sex toy copycats in the sex toy world – one is a given and one feels like really shitty business practices – and the third? Flat-out counterfeiting which we see online in places like Amazon and Ebay and in shadier stores in large cities like we learned exist in NYC thanks to attending SHE NYC. The given: lower-cost sex toys that are merely “branded” and redesigned for various companies. Sometimes even different lines within the same brand. Some examples: Lovehoney’s “Cupid Smoothie” and then the line branded Annabelle Knight Oooooh! (the second of which is more expensive). Doc Johnson’s Black Magic bullet is the same as the Harmony bullet; Black Magic has a matte-finish PU coat and Harmony is shiny and slick, but Harmony has always been a little pricier.  Even seeing the same thing across different brands like basic vibrators – bullets, that curved egg-on-a-stick design, etc.

But then there are patent wars and companies directly copying other companies designs which is NOT a matter of the manufacturing plant’s “book of blank sex toys” that companies come put their name on. Examples here are the We-Vibe vs Lelo Tiani (which is more concept than design rip-off), the Split Dildo vs Funtoys G-Vibe, the Fun Factory Big Boss vs Funtoys GJack, and various Blush Novelties or Pleasureworks vs Tantus product. Or the Fairy Wands and BodyWand brand – they are very much identical but one is made very cheaply (Bodywand). Fun Factory, publicly, didn’t seem to care much that Funtoys totally ripped off their design, but I think they’re a big enough company that it doesn’t bother them. Smaller companies care. You know who else cares? The fans of the smaller companies.

Blush Novelties – Twitter Wars and Quiet Design Copies

The most recent design rip-off, done by Blush vs Tantus, caught the ire of bloggers on Twitter. Blush decided to fire back publicly – insulting and being nasty not just to Tantus and Metis, but to bloggers who defended Tantus. DUMB MOVE, BLUSH. I saved their tweets in case the social media manager gets fired in the morning.

BlushTantus BlushTantus2 BlushTwitter1BlushTwitter2BlushTwitter3

So yes, the tweets quickly disappeared. In DM’s to others, it is claimed that this person was a very new hire and has been fired. I personally call bullshit on this because what new hire would know all of this information OR be dumb/ballsy enough to behave in such a way? It would clearly be job suicide. I don’t actually believe for a moment that this was a new hire.  Bloggers are being told1 that we’re (bloggers and certain manufacturers alike2) spreading misinformation about their materials, insinuating that they’re safer than we think. The deleted tweet to Bex included in the screenshot shows that she talks about “gross porous materials” NOT saying it’s toxic, while the Blush person tries to roundabout claim they’re using non-porous TPE….um, no. Fuck you. But, this goes beyond the tweet claiming that some medical supply companies use TPR (which yes, there is a medically-safe TPE/TPR material but it’s expensive and I refuse to believe for a moment that a company making super-cheap TPE sex toys is using a medical-grade non-porous TPR). Really? We’re “manipulating the public”? Yes. That’s my goal here. Sure. Come ON Blush! Seriously? Seriously. Blush is also stating that “Tantus started it” with the design rip-offs, but no one but Blush seems to know what this is about. Really adult way to behave, Blush.

Yes, Blush, you do have plenty of silicone products, but you state ON YOUR OWN WEBSITE that you use materials like PVC and TPE/TPR that are porous. This is my big complaint, porosity. I will recommend porous TPR only when there’s literally no other option and with plenty of warnings and education – which is more than you do. No one is saying TPR is toxic but porosity fucking matters.  I would like to see a giant fucking apology from Blush on their bullshit statements, their treatment of people during that now-deleted Twitter exchange, and for them to remove their head from their ass. I will pepper my site with caveats about Blush as a company during the few times I recommend their silicone products; I will recommend other brands above theirs, even if they have the same product for cheaper. Ethics matters, Blush.

Update: Blush Novelties not only unfollowed but blocked nearly all bloggers on Twitter by Sunday afternoon.  Very adult.

Split Dildo vs Funtoys – Patent War Turned Blogger Harassment

The Split Dildo creator; he’s been fun. He cared so much about his design being copied that he started harassing bloggers who had reviewed the G-Vibe. He would email them and try commenting on their reviews with (empty) legal threats, telling the bloggers they had to remove their review of the G-Vibe because it was a patent violation. Whether or not this is true isn’t my concern and isn’t the concern of the bloggers; we are legally on the hook for our review from the companies who provided the toy to review, even if that company is Funtoys – we HAVE to keep those reviews up because we entered into an agreement. If the Split Dildo guy has an actual case then he should be talking to Funtoys, not us. After all, Standard Innovations didn’t come harass bloggers who had reviewed the Lelo Tiani; not even after it was banned for sale in the US for a few years.

If there is a valid patent that Funtoys has violated then I empathize with the Split Dildo dude but it still gives him zero right to harass the bloggers and threaten us. He not only has zero understanding of how this all works, but seems to not even understand what we say to him. A year later after I told him that he legally has no right to harass us and ask us to do anything with our review, he’s still at it and even telling some bloggers that he’ll go to court to get us to remove our posts. He feels our reviews somehow are discrediting his reputation. So what can happen here? At worst, the Split Dildo guy wins a case and it is decided legally that all reviews and written mentions of the Funtoys G-Vibe be removed. He still cannot be the one to come tell us this, it would have to be Funtoys or the retailers we received the product from. That’s it. He can’t do anything about the rest of our blog and reviews, because it’s not about us it’s about Funtoys.

I’ve reviewed both products and, aside from the Y-split, they are different in every way – size, silicone shore strength, flexibility….one’s a damn dildo, the other is a vibrator. But still. If his patent is valid, if his complaint is valid, then I empathize but if he’s just butthurt that Funtoys made it work and he didn’t? Not cool.

What Can We Do?

So that all said….what can we do as bloggers, and even retailers, when duplicates like this happen?  Do we boycott entire companies in cases like Funtoys, Blush Novelties or Pleasureworks? Or do we simply never recommend/carry the imposter sex toys? Blush Novelties is not a company I respect, but I can’t ignore that they do have some really decent silicone products that are affordable (and NOT rip-off designs) and many people need affordable silicone sex toys. I’m reluctant to boycott the entire company, but will always promote the better brand over them if I can.  At what point do we say “this is a company taking a product that is good and trying to make it better”? In many ways, as much as I truly hate to admit it, Lelo did the “couples’ PIV vibrator” thing better than We-Vibe. I’ve always liked the Tiani better. If the patent on a dual-motor c-shaped vibrator meant to be worn during PIV sex wasn’t a thing, would anybody be bothered much by it? I wasn’t.

I think we need to look at the bigger picture. See how companies react. When a company starts to react like Blush…when you look at their overall line and see so many problematic things…you have a decision to make. Do you hold the entire company accountable for someone who shouldn’t be anywhere near social media, behaving like an ass? I don’t know. I think that WE care as bloggers/retailers…but do consumers?

When faced with a patent war that is smaller that has not seen legal rulings, the answer is clear: We listen only to lawsuit rulings. We can change our reviews to say hey, I’m not sure who is at fault and who ripped off who, but here’s what I’ve been told. Let the customer make up their mind after hearing what we know and what we feel.

  1. There is alot of misinformation in this unregulated industry and marketing and social media titans use their clout to manipulate the public.” The current person in charge still maintains that everything this person spewed on Twitter that was deleted is true but was said in a wrong way.
  2. I felt it was really hypocritical of Tantus to get angry of copying us when they did it first.” They then had a tantrum about all of the people who were deriding Blush for their plethora of porous materials on Twitter, saying that we don’t know “the facts” only what “these manufacturers” tell them. Fuck you, Blush, I’ve done enough goddamn research outside of what one person tells me.
 Posted by at 10:25 pm
Jan 082016
 

The Womanizer Review

I’ve used The Womanizer more, and in various ways, since I first spoke about it; I haven’t learned much, honestly. Yet I still named it one of the Best Sex Toys of 2015 because I like it that damn much. I’m gonna just write about it and apologize. I feel like I’ve failed you, readers. I still haven’t figured out what makes me like the Womanizer so much. I still haven’t figured out who will love it and who will hate it. I have discovered what happens when you (as I warned against) use it during your period. I’ve resisted the temptation to crack the fucker open like a lobster1. So hey, let’s just get on with The Most Useless Review I’ve Ever Written.

That really boosted your confidence in me, eh?

Some Strong Opinions and Theories

There’s really only one question I think I can answer. Someone asked me a few weeks ago if I thought that the Womanizer could be shared/swapped/regifted/whatever to a friend with whom you’re not fluid-bonded. At first I said no. But after using it accidentally while I was spotting (I didn’t realize I was bleeding, or I wouldn’t have used it) I understand where the fluid goes and where it doesn’t. The silicone nozzle head extends fully inside the suction cavity and I think I feel pretty safe in saying if you clean the outside of it well, it’s safe to share. They do give you two silicone nozzles. Maybe they understand that you’d want to share with your bestie?

I was also right about telling you not to use this when you’re bleeding. I was only mildly spotting and it showed me where fluid gets trapped. Right in those goddamn seams I bitched about. I’m going to have to repurpose a toothbrush just for Womanizer cleaning. Until they revamp this design they should include a little crevice cleaning tool.

Womanizer Seams

Some have said that this technology seems to be too similar to those blackhead suckers, that it must be one of those (modified). I’ve never owned one of those but I feel pretty damn confident that they’d have to have a fuck ton more suction than the Womanizer does. In fact….I’m actually not sure there’s ANY suction.  I put this up against my lower lip where I could be certain it has a seal and concentrated on the sensations. It’s like a teeny tiny finger is lightly, quickly tapping on me. When I increase it, the tapping is more intense and faster still. A seal needs to happen to get this action going but I’m not sure it’s actually suction. In fact when I have it on “high” and have it up to my mouth I can feel air coming *out* of it, not being sucked in. The only thing on the Womanizer site2 that makes me think “suction” is the little illustration in their video. But they don’t say “suction” on the website, they say “pleasure air technology”.  Let’s imagine we’re in the bathtub. We have the tiniest itsiest weeniest little Barbie-dream-house-sized shower head. Yes, shower head. On jet pulse mode. Tiny, concentrated, under-the-water sensations. Near your clitoris, not directly on. That’s the Womanizer. That, folks, is the best damn comparison I can come up with for you.

And I’m not really sure there’s any true vibration, either, because I feel nothing on any part of the toy. I can hold my fingers against the silicone nozzle and feel nothing like vibrations. Whatever this little machine is doing it is unlike anything on the market, and I feel like that’s the first time I can really say that and think it’s a good thing.  Given what I’m feeling I’m even more shocked that this thing works for me, and works so well. It truly must be made of magic. Also? I’ve never had to fucking analyze a sex toy like this. Usually I pull out 4-7 others, turn em on, shove them against various parts of my body, compare intensity and buzz vs. rumble and bing bang boom there ya have it. Hell with most vibrators I can tell you within 1 minute of turning it on and holding it in my hand if it’s going to work for me or not.

WomanizerCode

Orgasm Machine

I still hear a lot of people talking about how it “induces” orgasm for them; how it skips build-up and just wants to go straight for the goodies3. This hasn’t happened for me, perhaps because I am less sensitive than them. It takes me longer, about 10 minutes with porn, cold start. Using the Pure Wand with it is even more intense and shaves off a good few minutes. Sometimes it’s quicker still but I don’t mind that it’s not a wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am because, like the Skittle, I genuinely enjoy the build-up and the ride to the top. My most recent use was me sitting up in my desk chair (how I normally am) which did two things: Allowed me to use the Pure Wand more easily and meant that it took longer. Either I had it pressed very tightly against me and it was too intense, or it wasn’t intense enough at first. I usually use it laying down, and it really seems to build my arousal much more so than vibrators do. But yes, when I do orgasm finally it’s seriously intense. Like….more intense and longer-lasting than an orgasm with the Tango or the Denia.

Things I Hate

The Barbie-pink color of the case which says Womanizer right on it. It’s a nice case, though. So I can’t hate it too much.

The designs. The colors. The faux-crystal button. It’s so very early-80’s-Madonna, Cyndi Lauper; the excess of accessories, when garish and “too much” was just perfect.

The fact that it’s so easy to turn on (a simple press of the small button) but harder to turn off (you must press and hold the tiny button). The fact that you can only increase, you can’t decrease, unless you want to start all over again at the first “level”.

The overall cheap pieced-together aesthetic. The seams.

THE NAME. I REALLY REALLY HATE THE NAME. I call mine Blanche but I couldn’t very well go through this whole review referring to Blanche. Wouldn’t parse well in the SEO shit, ya follow?

Noises? What Noises?

I seem to remember reading snippets in reviews and write-ups past (and even in the copy on the SheVibe page) about how weird/loud/disconcerting the noise of it is when it’s not in prime position. I literally do not understand. I hear no weird suction-y/schlurp-y noises. I have plenty of vibrators that are much more noisy. It doesn’t sound like a vibrator so on the slight chance someone else would hear it, they wouldn’t understand what it is. At least I don’t think so. I also wouldn’t be alarmed by the noise of it not “in place” during sex.

Womanizer, Woman-Womanizer You’re a Womanizer

This fucker just doesn’t quit. But hey unlike usually, it’s a good thing.

So I’m literally at this very point in writing my review when I muse outloud to someone else “Shit. I don’t think I’ve ever charged it. I’ve been running on the charge it came with this whole time. What if I’ve been using it at half-mast?? What if it’s MORE “intense” than this??” CALAMITY. Also: I’m impressed. I’ve used this 12 times so far, and have had it since the middle of November. I’ve turned it on (often) to ponder about it and shove it against my lower lip and my fingers. And The Womanizer is still not dead.  No worries. I’ve charged it up and it’s no more intense than before. Whew. I actually don’t think I’d want it more intense but hopefully when SheVibe gets the W500 model in January, I’ll get it to compare.

I’m gonna address this one part real quick: The head of it glows red and I have no damn idea why. Red, to me, says “heat!” but nay nay, it doesn’t heat up. That would be fucking awesome if it gently warmed your clitoris, though.

$189 Fucking Dollars?

Alright, the price. I have to address it, again. It’s $189. Yes I know I told you in the video that SheVibe’s price was $169, but Womanizer was having none of that and made them raise it to the minimum, $189. Somehow that extra $20 makes it harder to recommend, but I know plenty of you are fucked either way whether it’s $119 or $189. For $189 I feel like I should be able to tell you it’s definitely gonna work for you. Or not. And I can’t. I can tell you that I love it; that I’m more shocked that it made me orgasm than I was with the Crave Vesper; that there’s honestly nothing like it on the market. But I can’t say that if your clitoris is sensitive, you’ll hate it. I can maybe say that if you know you need the broad stimulation of large wand vibrations, this won’t do it for you but I’m gonna wait for JoEllen, Queen of the Wands, to chime in on that. I think that if you really like oral sex, this is a fuck ton more likely to replicate it than a goddamn wheel of slapping silicone tongues.

Maybe it will ease your mind if I tell you about the 30-day promise: Womanizer says that if you don’t love it, you can get a full refund if you return it in 30 days. It says so right on SheVibe’s site, and I’ve been told that when you buy it through SheVibe you’ll do the return dealio through SheVibe so it will be painless and quick (just make sure you read the instructions).

 

My eternal love to SheVibe for sending me this ugly, awesome sex toy with the horrible name, The Womanizer. I kinda think you should buy it.

  1. Really it’s only because if I crack it open I won’t ever be able to use it again and I like it too much to kill it
  2. Don’t go there. Don’t look at the picture collages they make to represent who each color is “for”. It’s bad
  3. which would explain the name
 Posted by at 12:57 pm
Dec 312015
 

The Best Sex Toys of 2015 (and the worst, too) - Featuring the L'amourose Denia and Prism V, Womanizer, Doxy Skittle, Tails and Portholes Nereid Hot Octopuss Pulse Solo, Fun Factory Patchy Paul G5, Doc Johnson Truskyn, We-Vibe Rave. THE BEST SEX TOYS OF 2015

I actually reviewed LESS this year than I thought I did. I blame it on buying a house and moving. I’ll do better in 2016. So I had to be picky about the things on my list and really only pick things I LOVED for the Best Sex Toys of 2015. Bonus this year: Video!1Things I pick up and use again, and again and mourn when they run out of charge. The L’amourose Denia is one of those, despite it being a dual-stimulation vibrator. I usually hate those! But the flex technology that some hate, I actually love. It made the thing so much more comfortable and fit me like a gorgeous, rumbly glove. The L’amourose Prism V is another one for the records. Powerful and rumbly (better than Mona 2 or Uma) and with a perfect head, the likes of which I haven’t seen since the Pure Wand. My g-spot likes the Prism V that much, y’all. Despite my lack of real review yet (does the video pre-review count? It’s gonna have to) the Womanizer is on the list. I agonized over it, but hey….it’s niiiice. With the Pure Wand in tandem it’s even nicer. My husband is all about that Hot Octopuss Pulse Solo, it’s probably like his version of L’amourose – powerful, rumbly and unique. Of course there’s the Doxy Skittle, that baffling little bastard, I like a LOT. Finally, this dildo from Tails and Portholes over at Etsy. Custom made to whatever color combos your heart desires, and it’s a soft silicone, too! Please, check her out. The only tough thing will be making a decision on your colors!

Best Thing That Wasn’t a Sex Toy:  Stealing this idea from JoEllenWoodhull’s Sexual Freedom Summit. I wrote a love letter, basically, so just read that if you hadn’t already. It’s hands-down the best sexuality conference I’ve ever been to. Kudos to Ricci Levy, The Board, and the Volunteers for making it so amazing. The little tidbits I am hearing about the 2016 Summit are making me so excited because it’s going to be even better, if that’s possible. Yes, my mention of the Summit in my video reduced me to tears. You didn’t think I was such a sap, did ya?

Honorable Mention: The Fun Factory Patchy Paul G5. I love the vibrations and feel that their G5 line is finally powerful enough for me to rave about. I appreciate the flexible body because not everyone likes a rigid vibrator.

Let’s Keep an Eye on These for Next Year: AKA More Testing Necessary: First up is the We-Vibe Rave. It arrived on my doorstep Wednesday and while I’m super impressed by the power and the weird, assymetrical  design (which works as they say it will) the motor on mine is possessed. It shuts off randomly and then turns back on randomly; it’s done this twice, so it’s not for lack of a good charge. I have a feeling I’m really going to enjoy it but I need a functioning model before I can really lay down any promises. Next up is the Doc Johnson TruSkyn. Really, the whole line, but I have this one. I’m impressed by the dual density for an affordable price and impressed by the mix of realistic + non-realistic and even dual density butt plugs! But since so many are (rightfully so) skeptical about Doc Johnson (we’re not gonna ease up on you, Doc, til you banish that fuckin sil-a-gel shit), I need to test it. And that includes cutting it in half after I’m done using it to report back on the in-use feel. Too many are worried that it’s not truly solid silicone, so we’ll see!

THE WORST SEX TOYS OF 2015

The Jimmyjane Hello Touch X is my least-hated on the list, but it’s still on my shit list. Their unsafe, lack of educational instructions on how to properly use e-stim pissed me off and to boot the vibrations and shocks weren’t even very nice to use. The Dame Eva failed 4 out of 4 vulvas in my trials, and really ended up pissing me off with their claims of a powerful motor and the ability to stay put during sex. The Lovehoney Rockbox Finger is an atrocity that would only make sense as an April Fool’s joke. Fucking shameful waste of resources and other people’s money. Another controversial vibrator on the list is the Lelo Mona Wave. While I think I’ve read more negative reviews than positive,  a few really liked it. I found it boring, useless and overpriced. And finally, the Ooh by Je Joue. The whole collection, really. The Classic and Cock Ring were much worse fails than the mini thing that looked a lot like the Mimi but I hate the line overall because they didn’t try hard enough to make sure that every shape was going to live up to its full potential. The person who thought that the design of the Classic was actually worth selling should be slapped.

The Worst Marketing of 2015: This isn’t something that I mentioned in the video because I feared I would get too emotional and too enraged for words that human ears can hear. The Fifi is a cheap, crappy male masturbator sleeve that some bloggers agreed to review before checking out their social media. Admittedly, it’s not something we’d ever considered before – vetting out a company. But it has to be done. They had fat-shaming tweets, sexist tweets, racist tweets, sex-negative tweets, etc all written by the world’s biggest douchebro. There wasn’t a single meme that was as funny as they thought it was. It was horrifying and shameful. It was HURTFUL. I was in a lot of rage for a lot of days. I didn’t write about it on the blog (just a lot of tweets); but I did get to say a little bit of my piece when the company’s newest rep tried to contact me to review their shit product.

Runners-up in the Worst Marketing of 2015: Fleshlight and their new #nohojo marketing. Because yes, let’s follow Fifi in their technique-shaming approach to get people to buy a Fleshlight. They used to be a decent company so I don’t know what the hell happened. In the world of penetration masturbators and sleeves, Tenga is King Brand. Then there was that fucking “vagina beauty contest” which made me want to throw things because hello, disgusting and sexist and also: NOT A VAGINA.  I love how this article about the winners was all “oh we thought this would be a body-pos thing”! Um…..*cocks head* No.

 

I admit, for the first part of 2015 life was stressful. I spent the first few weeks agonizing if we would find a house in time (so that we wouldn’t have to sign another year of a rental lease) and then we found one and I spent 3 months dealing with the seller/selling agent from HELL. It was one of the most stressful times in our lives thus far. Then we got the house! Then the move. And it was all such a big deal for us, our first house, that I didn’t realize how much of my time it would suck up. It’s not the first time we’ve moved since I’ve started blogging, but this time it derailed me for months. My blog traffic had been extraordinarily high right up until the time we moved and then I had to back off from everything – social media, Reddit, writing, etc. So now I’m working to get back what I lost with the blog, and the crash hit my mental health took – turns out months of endless extreme anxiety followed by a briefly manic happy period then crash slowly into a depression. Who knew. There’s been a lot of mental health work in our house and one of us is working on getting on better meds while the other is just hoping a job change and focusing on her blog will be enough. Ahem.

For 2016 I’m not making resolutions, I’m making plans and wishes.  Blog profits are up, my mood is overall better and I attended the best sexuality conference of my life this year with concrete plans to attend in 2016. No more hoping that the timing is just right; I plan to do everything in my power to attend Woodhull’s conference. Wild horses couldn’t keep me away!

I have so many plans one would think I came up with the list on a manic high from a good mood swing, but no. It’s all been a long time coming. I want to redesign my blog header to incorporate my beautiful SheVibe drawing. I want to create a Library page where I pick and choose certain educational DVDs and books to recommend to you all. I definitely want to write and review more frequently. I plan to do the occasional video more; I’ve been told it makes me seem less angry/less scary and more human. I’m trying to go back to showing more of my humanity and realness here and on social media. The Great Glass Test post is coming along. The Lube Page is also nearly finished. While I still want to test brand new sex toys, I also want to focus on reviewing more affordable sex toys in the hopes I can find some great items under $50, or around it.  And of course all throughout 2016 I’m giving away gift cards to my newsletter subscribers – at least $100 worth of cards every single month ($50 to Crystal Delights, $50 to Shevibe and then usually a third card).

Personally, this year I need to focus on my health; losing weight, getting into a shape that isn’t “round” and taking care of my gallbladder. I tried to avoid it but I am going to have my gallbladder removed sometime in the next few months. It will be a big blow financially (insurance, yes, but a high deductible). We’ll also have a lot on our plate this spring at the house; the landscaping is a nightmare thanks to the terrible things the “flippers” did to the property and we want the place to look nice! I want a garden! I also need to escape the job I have right now and get into something where I don’t have a coworker who is a racist bigoted infuriating nightmare of a person.

What are your plans for 2016?

  1. My second video, and of course it was as stressful as the first one. I apparently, finally, have so much crap on my phone that I ran out of storage space! The first few video attempts had weird lag, and then would cut me off. Finally I saw the brief notification “SD card full”. Well, crap. My final attempt is what you see above, no edits. It’s raw, I’m weird, I cried, I rambled, I made funny faces. *shrugs* That’s just how I am. If I tried to make a perfectly polished professional video then you’d never see one at all! I hope you can accept this video as-is; these won’t happen often, and maybe I’ll get better at them but I’m trying to convey more….emotion, I guess, than what you can get in just words.
 Posted by at 6:20 pm