Nov 142017
 

Hot Octopuss Queen Bee on a dark blue towel with the edge of a hair dryer in the background. The Queen Bee looks a lot like a hairbrush without bristles. I feel like I must surely intro way too many reviews by telling you how skeptical I was about a product before I even laid hands on it. I do, right? I’m kind of afraid to find the answer and search my blog. But yeah I was skeptical about the Hot Octopuss Queen Bee from the moment I saw it. Sometimes I end up being pleasantly shocked but often I find my instincts were right.

For those unfamiliar with the basis of the Queen Bee’s tech, it’s a spin-off of their flagship penis vibrator, the Pulse. The pulsating plate on the Pulse is able to deliver deep, rumbling “vibrations” to the penis and provide intense stimulation that bested a traditional vibrator for many folks – it was powerful without being numbing and gave a sensation that didn’t even require manual movement (though you could, if you wanted to). Actually I did have a moment, briefly, without so much skepticism and I thought I could like the idea of the Bee, because anything that promises rumbling sensations perks my ears up. But as you may know I’ve been having a lot of trouble with depression this year and especially these last few months. I would use the Bee now and then when I remembered my review commitment and I took strange notes every time I used it, since I wasn’t in the headspace to write any parts of a review back then.

Hot Octopuss Queen Bee Diaries: "Aug. 19, 10 p.m. - The room fills with light from  the headlights of a car sitting at the stop sign  across from my home.  They linger. And linger. I shut off the Queen Bee, worried they're trying  to parse out what that strange sound is. "

In the user manual they give you the basics in many languages. It’s 278 grams, and 229mm long. It takes 4 hours to charge for 1 hour of use. The noise level is “below 55db”. Wait, what? 55db is ….relatively quiet? Not bad, not great. Allow me to get geeky for a minute, please. I promise this has a point. Our last dishwasher was rated at 50db and once we left the kitchen we couldn’t hear it running, not unless there were pots in there. Our current maxes out at 44db and sometimes I can be in the kitchen and not be sure it’s running. Using a sound meter is tricky – how close you hold the item to the microphone affects what it registers, obviously. When I was doing the tests for the Womanizer vs Satisfyer chart I held the items within 2 inches of my phone’s mic. I should probably have held the item as far from the phone as it is from my ears, in use, and I might re-do it that way. 

When I ran the sound meter test on the Hot Octopuss Queen Bee it registered at 48-54db when I held my phone up by my ear and held the Bee at vulva-level. When I held it up to the microphone the same distance as I did with the Womanizer it topped out at 80db. You can hear the Queen Bee in all it’s noisy glory right here.

I also ran the totally-scientific partner-and-cats reaction test. I left my partner in the living room, far end of the room, playing Assassin’s Creed. Central heating was running. I went into the kitchen, two rooms away and stood behind a wall. 80 feet and a wall separating us. He heard the Queen Bee loud and clear, even on low. The cat in the living room was staring at me. The cat in the kitchen was glaring at me with her ears back. 

I shouldn’t have been so surprised that the Queen Bee is disturbingly loud – sometimes the Pulse can be loud, too, but this is a whole new level. The Pulse is nothing like this. The Queen Bee doesn’t have the high-pitched whine of the Magic Wand or the frightening chainsaw-on-speed sound of the Rockbox Finger but it’s still loud and cringe-y. Pitch has a lot to do with it, as well – it doesn’t blend in with anything for most houses so it’ll stand out more.

Hot Octopuss Queen Bee Diaries: "Sept. 3, 7 a.m. - The Bee is so loud that I worry  the noise is confusing my brain into thinking it feels  more than it does, so I put in ear buds & turn on  music - like turning off the car radio so you can  concentrate better in a tricky traffic situation.  It doesnt help. I can still hear it. "

The Hot Octopuss Queen Bee is “not a vibrator”, technically speaking. They talk about oscillation (which in my experience is side-to-side movement) and “pistons”. The plate moves more outwards than side to side – and when I put too much pressure directly down on it, it stops completely.

They also present a “feature” of a gentle “warm-up” sensation, if you will, by using the other side of the wand. This isn’t a feature, it’s a side-effect. I’ve felt more vibration-transference on handles where they didn’t intend for it to happen, than the Queen Bee. The backside sensations are so weak you may not even notice them in use.A close up of the seam along the pulse plate of the Hot Octopuss Queen Bee. It has flakes of dried fluid in it, despite being cleaned just prior to the photo being taken.

This is all accomplished by there being a separate, moving part on the Queen Bee. The pulse-plate is firm, hard TPE that is given some movement via the softer TPE ribbed sides. The downside is that this is a “seam” to beat all seams and the fluids and dust and whatnot that get caught up in there is… a lot. I’ve purposely taken the photo above before cleaning to show you how bad it can get.

Hot Octopuss Queen Bee Diaries: "Oct. 24, 8 p.m. -  I keep turning the Queen Bee this  way and that, trying to find the perfect angle.  Any angle, really. It’s like I can feel the insinuation  of sensation all around my clit but not directly  on it. This is no good. No good at all.  I want to hurl it."

I have the same problem with a pulsating plate as I do a thrusting vibrator: pressure impedes movement. Just like the Mona Wave and Stronic Drei and even the pinchy Rockbox Finger – the Hot Octopuss Queen Bee is dead in the water when it meets my vulva. I feel like my genitals are the Bermuda Triangle for sex toys with movement. But then I remember that physics is a thing and I stop blaming my body and instead get mad about sex toy companies who don’t think about this.

Not only do I like, and need, pressure with the Queen Bee to circumvent my issues with broad stimulation, I have fleshy labia – full. “chubby”.  This means that it feels rumbly if I’m holding it in my hand and apply no pressure but the second my labia surrounds it like an octopus1, all movement of the plate stops and I’m left with this far-away hint of something….somewhere. I can hear it, oh boy can I hear it, but I don’t feel it. Because I can’t feel anything, I can’t even accurately predict if this will work for you if you don’t have much labia, if you have a larger/more visible clit and don’t need pressure. I don’t know what it’s supposed to feel like! I’ve read a few reviews that talks about it feeling like a rapid “tapping” sensation. This hasn’t been my experience.

I have tried holding it at various angles. I have tried uncomfortably spreading my labia. I have tried numerous positions and I just cannot find any pleasure with the Queen Bee. I’m relieved that I can finally write this review and get it off my mind because I just don’t want to ever turn on, much less use, the Queen Bee again. I shouldn’t have to try this hard to get a sex toy to work for me.

I believe the only way this will work for you is if you have minimal labia and do not need pressure. The Queen Bee, despite being gendered by Hot Octopuss and prescribed for “women”, would potentially make a pretty decent alternative to the wrap-around design of the Pulse. Because of the material it seems like you’d be better able to glide the pulsating plate all around your cock2. You still can’t apply pressure and the sensations will be really localized but if you’ve been able to orgasm from vibrations alone, this could work well for you3.

I have one final bone to pick: It’s the button placement. The controls are on the “back side” of the Queen Bee. They’re all in a row, and can’t be seen in use. They take up almost the whole handle so at any given time my fingers are over them, trying to finagle the QB to my vulva while also not pressing the wrong button. I’ve accidentally hit the patterns which means the whole moment is ruined. I’ve been unable to quickly turn it off without removing it from my body and staring at the controls. It’s not intuitive, it’s not easy.

Hot Octopuss Queen Bee Diaries: "Nov. 4, 9 p.m. - Most times after a failed session with  a sex toy I hate, I go find a sex toy I love to finish myself off. But not this time. My arousal is negative  and my vulva just wants to glower at me from  the corner.  My vulva just needs to be left alone."

Like the strange iGino 1 and promising-until-it-wasn’t Revel Body, the Hot Octopuss Queen Bee will deliver different sensations from the vibrators you’re used to but it is not a sex toy for the masses. It is something that a minority of folks will love and appreciate and for $150 I just can’t recommend it. It’s a price point where most folks are going to want as much certainty as I can provide them that the sex toy will work for them and I simply can’t do that.

But wait…there’s more!

Before we go, I want to briefly talk about the materials because you all know that materials matter to me. You know I’m skeptical and use only non-porous products. Happily, the Hot Octopuss Queen Bee uses medical-grade non-porous TPE that can be sanitized. It can also tolerate silicone lube! I absolutely support this material as body-safe. I don’t know that everyone here is as fascinated by materials-talk as I am so instead I’ll link you to the materials FAQ sheet they gave me. You can ask me any question about the material in the comments or via email. If I can’t answer it, I’ll ask H.O.!

 

The Hot Octopuss Queen Bee was provided to me in exchange for an honest review from Hot Octopuss. It’s available directly from them or at my favorite retailer, Shevibe.

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  1. I see what you did there
  2. While the TPE on the backside has some minor texture and seems a bit “grabby”, the main side has no texture (just a print). It isn’t as smooth of a glide as hard plastic but with lube you shouldn’t feel any friction
  3. Yes, that whole paragraph feels a little “trying to squeeze out a silver lining” to me, too.
 Posted by at 10:31 am
Nov 022017
 

Black O-Wand on a bed of oyster shellsI might be the most skeptical reviewer around so when I read claims about the O-Wand being the “most powerful” rechargeable wand vibrator on the market, or claims of rumble, I immediately distrusted the whole thing. Could the O-Wand match the rumbling growl of the Lelo Smart Wand Large1? Would the O-Wand compete with other wand vibrators that talk about being the “most powerful”? I’ll be honest, the thing about the O-Wand that intrigued me at first glance is the handle – curved and ergonomic.  So what made my skepticism turn to distaste? 

Simply put, the O-Wand is trying too hard and not fulfilling its promises and unless you’re new here, you know how much I hate that.

Of all the Gin Joints in all the World

“You only hold me up like this ’cause you don’t know who I really am”. As with most reviews, I tend to do a lot of comparisons to other, similar products. Sometimes this need for comparisons can delay a review because it’s sooo much work. To review the O-Wand I had to drag out the giant box o’ wands; it’s the least-accessed box of sex toys; so ignored, in fact, that I found a dead bee in the box when I started pulling things out to work on this review. How utterly fucking appropriate, as I consider most wands to be irritating and buzzy. Why do I even continue to review wands, since I already know I need pinpoint stimulation and most wands just won’t work for me? The biggest reason is that I get asked for wand recommendations a LOT and folks are usually looking for something rechargeable, powerful, maybe even waterproof and sometimes rumbly. The wand I’ve liked the most over the past 9 years has been the Lelo Smart Wand Large because it is hella rumbly, but I am loathe to recommend any Lelo products for many reasons. I’m constantly on the lookout for a Smart Wand competitor. My definition of “rumbly” is also a bit more narrow/selective than some folks, especially when it comes to wands. When something is that high-powered even too strong of a hint of buzz renders the wand itchy and irritating to my vulva – it literally feels like my labia are being sanded off and oh, my god, the temporary numbess I get from these is overwhelming.

Itchy vulva aside I have other reasons for harping on the “ok but it’s really not truly rumbly” beyond just personal preference and the biggest reason is wand attachments. They simply work a fuck of a lot better on truly rumbly wands. And folks – I wouldn’t call the O-Wand “rumbly”. It’s not quite as buzzy as some wands but that’s about the best compliment I can give it.

There are some comparisons I can’t make. I don’t remember what the Sola Sync felt like, not well enough to make a definitive comparison but I remember feeling it at Woodhull this year (Sola was a Blogger Lounge sponsor one day) and being impressed. I don’t own a Le Wand, nor will I ever, but I got a chance to feel it up when Sarah and I visited a sex toy shop in Boston and the Magic Wand Rechargeable definitely felt a little more rumbly than the Le Wand.

The Patron Saint of Liars and Fakes

“And when it all goes to hell, will you be able to tell me sorry with a straight face”. The marketing copy calls the O-Wand the “most powerful, safest and stylish wand available today”. In many places they call this the “most powerful wand in the world”, and the box further clarifies with “the world’s most powerful rechargeable wand massager”. If you’re going to proclaim “best”, “the most powerful” and other comparative statements in marketing, can you at least try to make it true in some way? The claims made by O-Wand just simply are not true. The motor is really similar to the Magic Wand Rechargeable, but the MWR is a little bit more powerful. Again, I wouldn’t call either wand “rumbly”.

I also wondered about “safest”. What could possibly be more safe than some of the existing wands on the market? There are certain electrical-type tests that all vibrators have to pass if they’re sold in the EU, and pretty much every vibrator out there passes those tests. I referred back to a marketing email from the O-Wand company to see why they make this claim: “Safe: Made from the highest-grade body safe silicone, the OWAND is fully CE certified and boasts an automatic power-off to avoid overheating.” I don’t know of any that are NOT CE-certified, to be honest. And O-Wand is not the only wand to have automatic shut-off: Doxy has it, as does the Magic Wand Rechargeable. I’m pretty sure there are others.

There are also plenty of wand vibrators out there made from 100% body-safe materials. The “highest-grade” crap is just marketing weasel words. It’s silicone – it’s body-safe. You know who else uses silicone? The MWR, the Doxy Die Cast, the Smart Wand, Sola Sync – I could go on and on.

I know what you’re thinking: Who would buy anything if the marketing told the truth about sex toys? There’s making subjective claims and then there’s false advertisement and in my opinion we have the latter. Am I being picky with words? Perhaps.

Don’t You Know Who I Think I Am

“A penny for your thoughts but a dollar for your insights”. The first thing people usually ask about any wand that isn’t the Magic Wand is “will Magic Wand-compatible attachments fit the head?”. People really like attachments because it’s great to be able to turn a single sex toy into a full-on toolbox. The problem with the O-Wand is that the head is kinda egg-shaped. While it’s roughly the same size as the Magic Wand, the shape is different. The shape difference leads to a gap on the sides which causes Magic-Wand compatible caps to move a little AND not be touching all of the head so there’s vibration loss in transference. Not that it matters all that much, though…

Four black O-Wand attachments on a bed of oyster shellsWhen a vibrator is buzzy the buzzy vibrations just don’t travel through any protrusions on the head cap very well – case in point: the Tantus Rumble (which is too mild and buzzy) or the PalmPower (which has multiple issues). The same applies to the O-Wand attachments. The ridiculously-named O-La-La clitoral stimulation cap attempts to give you choices of broad or pinpoint stimulation but so much of the vibrations are lost in translation. Very little activity is felt in the protruding nub inside the cup, and the cup edge’s vibrations are moderate, buzzy, and easily killed with just a little pressure. The O-Spot, their insertable, transfers very little vibration. When I put the same cap on the Smart Wand Large the difference is staggering. The O-Gasm cap, for penises, transfers the most vibrations out of the three caps but again, it’s kinda buzzy. When you put that same cap on the Lelo Smart Wand Large it becomes a powerhouse, penetrating penis vibrator to rival the Hot Octopus Pulse but with vibrating wings.

So Magic Wand compatible attachments will sort of fit the O-Wand and vice versa. There is about a half-inch gap on the very top of O-Wand attachments when I put them on the Smart Wand Large but the protrusions are on the sides so it doesn’t matter. If you do decide to brave it and get the Lelo Smart Wand Large know that there are a few attachments from O-Wand that will work pretty well!

I’m Like A Lawyer With The Way I’m Always Trying To Get You Off

“Last year’s wishes are this year’s apologies”. Let’s get back to the original thing about the O-Wand that intrigued me: the handle. I loved the curved handle of the Lelo Smart Wand but the vibrations travel too well – what’s good for the head isn’t good for the hand and vibrations transfer up the handle fairly intensely. Not so with the Magic Wands or Doxy Wands but their bodies are all straight – great for use in a wand-compatible Liberator mount but not good for me to hold during lay-on-my-back positions. The only good aspect about the O-Wand is the handle and the button placement. The curve of the handle fits my body and the opening in the handle means I don’t need any real grip – I just need to slide my hand in. The buttons are within easy reach for my thumb – of course, that can bite you in the ass if they’re accidentally hit but I find that because I don’t need my thumb to grip, it happens less often. What if these features of the handle don’t matter to you? What’s it got goin for it, then, over the competition? Not much.

The handle is simply not “enough”for me to recommend this over other wands. Yes, it’s waterproof but so is the Smart Wand, the Sola Sync, the Dorr Avond, the Jimmyjane Iconic Wand, and more. Until a recent price drop the O-Wand was the most expensive wand vibrator on the US market – it used to retail at Shevibe for a whopping $249, a full $50 more than even the overpriced Smart Wand. It’s now on par with the Smart Wand, price wise, at $199. At $249 I would never have recommended it. The Magic Wand Rechargeable, which is slightly more powerful and rechargeable, is only $124; if you really want the broad AND the waterproof, you’ll have to pick the Smart Wand. If you want the power and the waterproof you can try the Sola Sync priced at $149.

I don’t hate the O-Wand. But what if I had never been poisoned by the need to prove/disprove their sensationalistic claims, would I be griping so much? I would definitely be bitching about the useless caps, yeah, but overall I would still be bored with the O-Wand. Meh. Salty about the price. I would still say “buy the Magic Wand Wand rechargeable”. A really great, versatile wand is somewhere out there on the sex toy horizon. The O-Wand isn’t it.

 

My thanks to SheVibe for sending me the O-Wand to check out, in exchange for my honest review. Thanks also to Bex, fellow FOB fanboy, for input on the section titles because I needed something to motivate me to write this.

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  1. Hereafter if you see any references in this post to the Smart Wand, please know I mean the Large – the medium is fucking useless