May 042014
 

A lot has happened in my 6 years here, and a lot has happened with me, sexually, over the last ten years. 6 years ago when I started this blog, I considered myself to be moderately kinky. Over the next few years, as a pseudo-relationship worked its course, I considered myself to be highly kinky. You see, when someone I’m very much attracted to is very much into something sexually, their enthusiasm for it rubs off on me and I suddenly see things from a new perspective. I’m not faking it for them, I’m genuinely exploring previously-unknown facets. Not all have worked out for me. Two attempts at being the dominant one in a sexual relationship failed miserably; the second one succeeded only in making me realize that I was more submissive than I assumed. When those two relationships ended, I didn’t have a distaste for being the dominant one, I just knew it wasn’t my thing.

But a few years ago, something happened in my personal life that pretty much completely turned me off of anything kinky. I no longer want to tie up anyone or be tied up. I don’t long for spankings, or being controlled–but I still love having my hair pulled, go figure. In fact, this personal rift was so severe that (husband aside) I went from a 3 on the Kinsey Scale to a 5. It is rare indeed that I find myself attracted to someone who identifies as male these days. My sex life with my husband isn’t faltering for it, in fact we’re personally better than ever – my love for him is very strong, and our sex life is great. But if things were to go back to being open again? I’d only be interested in female-identified or genderqueer people. My porn preferences fall in line with this, too. I quickly scroll past the random hetero-based sexy image in my Tumblr dashboard, rushing to the next all female one. I’m finding that my attraction to cis-men is very rare.

I don’t really want or need to get into the details of what happened in  my personal life to cause such a change in me1, but the change is there and I honestly don’t see it going away anytime soon. The anti-kink in me is strong enough that I don’t want view blogs that are heavy on the kink or D/s. For awhile I pondered if I ever really was kinky, or was I just a poser, a chameleon? But I realized that my inclinations went back much farther and weren’t born from being with certain people–intensified, yes. “If it turns you on, it turns me on” applies a lot to me, in part because I’m (until recent years, I guess) largely open-minded, always (no matter my preferences) sex-positive and very much an empath. But the person who dragged me deeper down that rabbit-hole of kink was such a twisted, sick fuck (in the serious way, not in the “fun” way) that I guess I still view BDSM related things as being in the same mental box as that person, and I really want to light that box on fire. Yes, one person managed to be so heinous that I’m not only ruined for kink but done with cis-men that I’m not married to. Is this highly abnormal?

This feels very much like that time I made grilled chicken marinated in Italian dressing and despite making it many times before, the last time coincided with a stomach flu. I puked up marinated grilled chicken breast all night. Haven’t been able to tolerate chicken + Italian dressing without wanting to sympathy puke in 15 years. I realize the analogy is um, fucked up, but that’s the best I can come up with, lol.  I’ve also realized that since I’m pretty much awful and recognizing when anyone other than cis-men are flirting with me, and seem to lack the ability to know how to flirt with anyone other than cis-men, it’s just gonna be me and the husband from here on out. It’s fine, despite how much I’d like to occasionally date a femme person. Like, a lot. But no really, it’s fine. I’ll just watch. Wait, no, that sounds creepy.

I guess this is just one of those rambling, navel-gazing posts with no reason or purpose, save for me formally and publicly announcing: I’m Not Kinky Anymore. If you are, that’s cool and you do you. But I’ve got a little line in my sandbox and I just can’t cross it. If your blog is mainly kinky, please understand that I might adore you but I won’t be reading your blog and for that, I’m sorry. It’s too much of a trigger.

  1. Those who have been around for a few years and paid attention will remember what happened a few years ago – yes, that’s the “thing”
 Posted by at 11:17 am
  • Sarah

    On a much smaller scale, I can sympathize. There are things I still can’t stand that are very pleasurable for others, all because my abusive ex did them without my consent. I’m sorry you had such a terrible experience. You’re a lovely person, and I wish I could cock punch the douche for you.

  • red velvet

    Meh you can only e who you are. I have definitely gone through non kinky phases but something or someone brings be back into my submissive head space. That isn’t necessarily the case for you though. As long as you are happy in your pursuits that’s all that matters.

  • I’m Spankee

    Hello, i’m a submissive spankee and recently i start a new proyect called I’m Spankee. It’s a tumblr blog with my story and my personal pictures and videos.

    I write you because, i will like exchange links with your blog to other people know my BDSM life.

    If you liek this idea, please, tell me and i have put a link back to you.

    cheers.

    charlotte

    My blog is: imspankee.tumblr.com

  • I can really relate to this post – thank you for it.

  • Jess Mahler

    FWiW, I don’t think your analogy is messed up, and your reaction is completely understandable. I had a psych teacher in college who told us about a night way overdoing it on mimosas, who 30 years later still can’t touch orange juice. In psych they call it one-trial-learning, and it hits the subconscious pretty hard. The main thing is, as long as you are happy and comfortable with the way you and your sexuality has changed, and your existing relationships aren’t being damaged (which is sure as hell doesn’t sound like) nothing else really matters.

  • oh, well, good to know! Thanks! My brain does tend to come up with slightly bizarre analogies or comparisons though.

    No, it’s not a change that matters a lick to me or my existing relationships but it DOES change how I interact with fellow sex bloggers. There are some people I genuinely like, but I just can’t be a reader of their blog, and I hope they won’t take that personally.

  • Thank you for sharing what you’re going through. As a sexologist I can say it is completely “normal” and okay to ebb and flow with things that turn us on at some times and not at others. Be easy on yourself.

  • Excuse me? Who the fuck are you to come to my house and tell me I’m not divulging enough of my private fucking details to suit you? You have NO IDEA what the situation is or was, that it might be dangerous for me to discuss the details privately. I can fucking assure you that no, the details would not “help other women”. It’s a unique situation. The person it was referencing used to (might still) cyberstalk me. I didn’t feel like being fucking threatened or harassed even more.

    I write whatever the fuck I want here, as much or as little and in whatever way I want.

  • Tzipora

    So I know this is an old post and I randomly stumbled across it but I really just wanted to thank you for being as open as you were (and wtf to the commenter who implied this wouldn’t help other women without you talking details. A. So what, if it helps you that’s all that matters and also B. It actually sort of helped me, and hence why I’m commenting).

    I’m incredibly interested in how trauma effects sexually and I think it’s such a big, common issue that just straight up doesn’t get discussed enough. In fact one of the top reasons I’ve long been considering sex blogging is so I could talk about stuff like this and my own life and how I have healed or adjusted or just made peace with things as best as I can and also to talk about where I struggle but good gosh it’s hard to be open like that.

    My trauma happened in childhood and because of that well I didn’t even have the healthy sexual background or knowledge to even put a lot into words even as I reached adulthood. It’s funny too because I debate blogging on the grounds that I have very limited sexual experience beyond fantasies and with my self. I’m no prude and I’ve got a solid knowledge base and I’m a very open and accepting person but for me personally because of what happened to me… I don’t trust easily and I will not personally do things with someone I don’t trust (though of course I’m human and I’ve sure had times I’ve considered it). Even my fantasies are insanely monogamous and revolve around one person.

    And I don’t know why I’m saying that part. I guess what my point is is that I very personally can relate to how trauma changes things. I’m fascinated by it too. And your approach, at least at the time you wrote this and felt ready to share it where you could acknowledge those changes, articulate them, and feel okay about it, that’s pretty awesome. That would help a lot of people. Because it’s so tempting to feel like you’re broken or whatever. And obviously because I was so young when my own trauma happened I can’t totally relate but I grew up with all the effects of that trauma and gosh it took so many years to develop positive sexuality or to even be okay feeling what I felt or didn’t. Period. I guess too I can also relate in the sense that I developed serious health issues in the last few years and that’s also flipping dramatically changed things for me. And again its so so tempting to mourn and bemoan how things aren’t how they used to be or to feel broken because my desires have changed or whatever. So anyway, there’s so many ways this post can resonate with people and for that I thank you. I’ve got like 400 other thoughts (like intiatlly I thought I’d comment on the gender you’re attracted to thing because I can relate there though I can’t ever know for sure how much of my own prefences are trauma related or not given the age thing) but I’ll stop here. But there’s something to be said for what a powerful post this is if its given me so very much to think about and to want to discuss or sit with inside my head. I hope things are still going well for you, if not better. I read tons of sex blogs but rarely has any particular post had this kind of effect on me.

  • Glad it could help. Also, had forgotten about that twat’s awful comment, wow, she was a real bitch lol. Suffice to say that the person who “turned” me was a very bad person, and I have felt pretty stupid for ever trusting him or having any sort of friendship/relationship with him. the really bad stuff he did wasn’t even directed at me for the most part…i just never realized he was a predator, pedophile, stalker, possible-rapist sociopath. in fact i thought the opposite for years, thought he was an amazing person who was the victim.