Feb 052013
 

I’ve been acquainted with Aneros as a company for almost 10 years now; long ago hubs and I got him one of their first Aneros prostate plugs. It was great and all, with a couple flaws and a big learning curve. A few years ago I found the Nexus Neo for him and he hasn’t gone back to his Aneros since. But suffice to say I’ve known about Aneros and the ground-breaking work they have done.

At last year’s Momentum Conference, Aneros gave out postcards allowing attendees to get their hands on the first run of their new product for vagina-owners, the Evi. I was curious so I asked for one and received it a few months later. When I opened my package I was a little skeptical at the froofy large, red lace drawstring bag that the whole entire box fit into. It was pretty, though, if you like that sort of thing. The modern and sleek boxed opened to show this oddly shaped, bright-red thing – Evi. Instructions and platitudes were included. The shape looked 47 kinds of wrong to me to achieve what they promised, but I tried it anyways.

Where My Vagina Says “What the Fuck?”

The bulbous portion of the toy and the neck will go in your vagina. Yes, it seems to be pointing *away* from the g-spot. The handle bar looking bit rests in between your labia and should come in contact with the clitoris for many women. The handle bar portion isn’t “T” shaped, it won’t be tickling your ass (even if you would like it to). The handle bar portion combined with the weight and the angle made me constantly feel like the thing was about to fall out of me as I walked around. It wasn’t painful, but it was uncomfortable. Sitting with the Evi in me felt uncomfortable/painful and frankly I have a lot more padding than some women – if I can feel the seat of my chair pressing up on the Evi in an awful way, I can only imagine what that would be like for someone 70 pounds lighter than me with a much smaller ass and thighs. I didn’t last very long before I yanked it out and tossed it in a drawer.

A month or three later, Aneros sent me an email asking me to fill out a survey on how I liked it. They asked if I’d tried it standing, sitting, laying down, etc and I was soon growing as bored of the survey as I had the Evi. But I gave them the benefit of the doubt and I paused whilst filling out the survey to actually go try everything Lelo Luna Beads vs Aneros Evi vs Luna Beads Noirthey suggested. I sat. I wiggled my hips. I humped the air1. I laid down and thought of England (what? I know a lot of hot English bloggers), I laid down and thought of Brad Pitt, thought better of it and thought of Angelina Jolie instead. I laid on the bed and thrust my hips up in the air like a convoluted yoga move2. I concentrated on doing my kegels properly, just to make sure. I could feel the external portion nudging somewhere in the vicinity of my clitoris but my g-spot was left totally out of the party unless I grabbed Evi by the handle and forced it to speak to my g-spot like a proper young lady. Er, wait.

And then…..

I felt it coming but I couldn’t stop it in time…

I sneezed. While sitting in a chair with the Evi inside of me. AND IT REALLY FUCKING HURT3.

So if you get nothing else out of my review, please listen to me: Do not ever sneeze with the Aneros Evi inside of you. If you feel a sneeze coming on, no matter what you’re doing you shove your hand down your pants and get that hunk of silicone out of there. STAT.

Moving on.

Here is where I become confused and therefore in turn confuse you. Evi is advertised with phrases like “designed to comfortably and effectively ‘hit the spot’ without the need for vibration.” and “With correct insertion, Evi will alternately stimulate the G-spot and the clitoris with a simple Kegel exercise.” so…is it a Kegel exerciser, or a sex toy? Both? “Mind-blowing orgasms”? I’m side-eyeing you real hard, Evi.

For me, it’s neither. The front curve doesn’t stimulate my g-spot, even with the most enthusiastic kegel crunch. The handle does not even come close to stimulating my clitoris. I don’t require a jackhammer vibrator to orgasm, but I do greatly prefer vibration so that the internal portion of my clit can be stimulated. I have, a few times, been able to orgasm from manual clitoral stimulation. This is not even in the ballpark of a finger. Ok, so a slow-building orgasm is never going to happen for me with this. But couldn’t I just use it as a unique kegel exerciser, and maybe get a little aroused at the same time?

Nope4.

Sex Geek Time

Unlike the Luna Beads which are passive kegel exercisers, the Evi is active. Look, I can forget I’m cooking something on the stove until I hear it sizzling two rooms away or smell it burning. Despite the fact that the Evi isn’t subtle, I still forget to actively do something while wearing it. I think I’m preoccupied by how uncomfortable it all feels. or, ya know, SQUIRREL. After doing some more digging, I may have discovered one reason why it feels so godawful uncomfortable to me:

*put on Sex Geek T-Shirt*

The drawing on the left shows an artists rendering of where Evi sits in the vagina. It shows a compressed rectum and a very definitive position of where a G-spot "should" be
Forgive the size, you’ll want to click it to view it a little bigger

First thing I noticed was a very compressed rectal canal on the left. The second thing I noticed would explain why Evi isn’t really hitting my g-spot – that tiny curved portion of the Evi that is near the g-spot area has very little surface area to actually contact the g-spot – and since there is no one set location of the g-spot (hence my drawing edited to show where the g-spot could be), if yours doesn’t fall in the exact place that Aneros thinks it will, it’s not going to work for you very well. My g-spot happens to be a lot closer to my vaginal entrance than Aneros’ drawing shows.

Specs

Aneros Evi is about 5ish inches long, although it’s really hard to determine length in something as oddly shaped as this. It only weighs a couple ounces. It is hard plastic covered in a red silicone skin. Most of the Aneros for Men are just hard plastic. If that might cut down on the price, I’d be all for it – with a Velvet PU coat, ABS plastic can feel almost just like the silicone skin. It’s a matte finish silicone, the kind with the “silicone soft touch” added in like Lelo, Je Joue, etc5. It is all one solid piece so if you really felt the need to, you could add it to your dishwasher on the Sex Toy Cycle6, but I don’t think you should boil this. I’m not really sure, since it’s not 100% solid silicone. Anyways, it’s non-porous and would be easy to sanitize. Other than the odd red lace bag that encased the box I received, they do not include a pouch for the Evi to store it in. The box is nice but it’s not meant for discreet storage. It retails at about $70, and that right there is one part of my two-fold main reason why I won’t be recommending this.

Bottom Line

Despite the fact that Aneros tries to specifically claim that Evi will fit ALL women7, Evi is not an every-woman sex toy. Hell, nothing is, this I know. And I Aneros Evi Advertising Copy ~ Really? ALL women?know that sex toy makers need to write up amazing copy to sell their wares; nearly8 everybody who makes something does this. But my experience of the Evi vs their shiny, promising copywriting feels quite a bit like advertised burgers vs reality burgers. First of all, I don’t often have the time for an Aneros Experience. I don’t have hours to lay in bed, contracting my muscles, waiting for the 2:00 Orgasm Train to roll in. I just don’t have that kind of patience, frankly. In the pursuit of sex toys I have indeed spent up to an hour trying in vain to reach orgasm – the resulting orgasm was not 10 times better because of the wait. Aneros Evi is quite a lot like a rabbit vibrator – as a woman you could try out 20 rabbit vibes and if you’re lucky, one of them will hit all your spots in the just-right area with the just-right amount of vibration to create your own personal Nirvana. And due to the (in my opinion) grossly inflated price, I’m going to stand by my recommendation of the original Lelo Luna Beads set for killer kegels. They’re very much “set and forget” as they passively go about toning your kegels while you go about your day. I know damn well they work, because I once wore a set of the heavier beads for half a work day; the next morning I woke up with PC muscles that were sore like ab muscles get sore when you do too many crunches.

I’m trying to think up a good explanation for the type of person Evi would work for as advertised, and I really can’t. Not because I think that Evi isn’t right for anybody; but because it was such a complete and utter fail for me personally. After my third and final time (about 4 hours before writing this) of trying very hard to feel even 1/10th of the love that some people on my Twitter feed profess for Evi, as I pulled the Evi from my vagina I swear it said “thank you” to me and I apologized for putting it through that again. I promised to not do it anymore and it mostly forgave me; some weird unnamed spot in there is still quite tender as I write this.

One final tip if you decide to purchase: Evi, like anything Aneros makes, has a learning curve. You’re not going to achieve tantric orgasmic bliss the first time out (if ever). Be prepared to give it a few tries. Carve out some quiet, alone time. But please, please don’t lay there doing kegels like a bunny on meth for an hour just to reach orgasm or I promise you, you’ll be in pain the next day and do you really want to tell your boss what happened or explain to coworkers in 2 days why you’re still walking funny?

  1. And felt down right ridiculous, like perhaps they put this suggestion in as a joke to make you feel like an asshole after doing it
  2. Again with the ridiculous measures, does anybody get off from that???
  3. And I also piddled a little bit. Yeah I know, I need to work on my kegels
  4. God I was SO TEMPTED to put in Grumpy Cat here but I just did that in the G-Vibe review and thought it would be a bit much
  5. This meant that I was able to use silicone lube on it – again despite the Party Line clucking to not mix the two, if you mix smart and right it can work out just fine. I tried Wet’s plain silicone lube and their hybrid, both worked just fine and didn’t damage the silicone skin on the Evi
  6. And by that I mean top rack, no suds, “sanitize” setting
  7. The fact that they try to claim that one item will fit ALL women very much irks me because it can’t possibly be true – g-spots are not all in the same location, vulvas and clitoris..es? are not all identical…you just can’t make one thing, especially something that is so oddly shaped, and claim that it will indeed fit every person with a vagina
  8. I almost just said “everybody” but then I thought about Tantus who doesn’t try to claim that any of their toys will give you earth-shattering orgasms for everyone, they’re very realistic folks
  • http://ofsexandlove.com adriana

    I can’t help but wondering if this might work for my G-spot as it sticks out so far but I see the general design flaw, too.

    ~You can try it for yourself, I have it up on Toyswap already :P

  • http://pixelatedtoys.com Pixelated Toys

    “Mind-blowing orgasms”

    Hahahahahahahahahahahahahah.

    Yeah. Sure. Because they made a toy that will work for ‘every woman’s body’! And you know that we women all need the exact same thing to orgasm.

    I really didn’t like this at all, in case you couldn’t tell from the heavy snark. It didn’t hit my g spot, it didn’t reach my clit. It was an uncomfortable hunk of silicone that did nothing for me. And with a price of $70, I’m expecting *something*.

    ~ Yeah except it’s not even all silicone. I can twist the bulb part and it moves ever so slightly. What I can’t understand is, they came out with at least half a dozen of the male prostate stimulators for their original line, and it has expanded. But why do vaginas only get ONE? They should have right off the bat made a few styles. Not that figuring out which style of the Y-Chromosome Aneros would best suit a person was any easier, frankly. Was like going to the cold & flu aisle of the pharmacy.

  • http://beckandherkinks.com Beck

    The Brad Pitt part made me giggle and then moving onto Angie. Hehe! That would be me too. Beck sandwich please!

    I’m not impressed with the reviews of this. I think I only read one positive one and that was by someone who is a sheep, IMO. Thanks for sharing your review.

  • http://sexsational.wordpress.com/ fire

    It looks both cute and incredibly bizarre. Sort of alien-ish. Given the specificity of the shape and helpful reviews like yours, I’ll stick to other fun things to stick in my vagina.

  • http://attheheartofhysteria.blogspot.com Dr. Polonius Entwhistle

    Most enlightening reading; truly, you’ve an enviable knack for penmanship(or penwomanship?). I especially enjoyed the footnotes.

    I had hoped to add a new piece of research equipment in this otherworldly item, but instead I shall acquire one of the kegel exercisers you suggest. I thank you on behalf of my patients.