Sep 052012
 

When I recently visited my longtime friend, the topic turned of course to sex at one or two points. Clinical, theoretical, opinionated talks. One topic, after numerous drinks by the couple, turned to how much noise my friend makes in bed. Or, rather, doesn’t make.

My bold, outspoken, ballsy, loud-mouthed friend is the exact opposite in the bedroom. That’s not to say she’s “frigid” (I hate that word). She loves sex. Her sex drive is crazy high. She especially loves sucking cock and freely, openly admits this in most cases. It turns her on immensely. Unfortunately, this is the only real thing that her boyfriend knows for sure arouses her. When it comes to sex she literally tightens up. He will see glimpses of her arousal and pleasure bursting at the seams but the moment a sigh escapes her lips she unknowingly clams up.

The discussion about this was basically him openly, and lovingly, telling her what she does/doesn’t do and telling her why he’d like her to be more free. To wake the neighbors. Not just for him, but for her, as well. He reasons that because she’s not at all vocal, be it in voice or body language, to his ministrations, he’s never really sure what or if she is enjoying. After a while, my friend started to take it all the wrong way and assume that he and I were saying that there was something wrong with her and that she wasn’t good enough in bed. He insisted that the sex is phenomenal, he loves it, but he knows that she could enjoy it even more and therefore so could he. That getting her off gets him off. Seeing that he is indeed giving her great pleasure is the best thing for him. I would have to agree with him on that…I absolutely need that feedback, I thrive off of it. I know my husband does, too.

We know why she’s like this. She was married to the first and only guy she ever slept with for a long time. Her and her ex had been together for something like 15 years. Her ex wasn’t much into sex. He never, not even on their wedding day, told her he thought she was beautiful. Sex was always brief, perfunctory and very infrequent. Quiet was encourage. Experimentation was not. So the boyfriend of less than a year has a LOT of “damage” to undo. My friend just feels weird making noise. Or saying anything. And then the circle goes right back.

Another topic in this long conversation came around to how rough each of them likes their sex because somehow my friend and I got to talking about BDSM a little bit. She wanted to know what it all stood for, what the words meant. She liked the sound of both masochist and sadist. Rough sex was discussed between the two of them….a little spanking, a little throwing around, etc. They’re both in great shape and she’s got the most incredible pain tolerance. Yet he’s not quite comfortable with being rough enough to spank her. He’s afraid he’ll hurt her. She’s afraid of hurting him. Despite both of them sitting there telling the other “It won’t hurt that much, don’t worry about me”, they kept insisting the same thing. It was like a huge circle talk of frustration. I’d like to think that some good came out of it all though. I’m hoping it did, since last week she texted me for recommendations on ball gags and wrist restraints. Yay!

So what do you think?

Does making noise mean better sex, if it’s genuine and not re-enacting the scene from When Harry Met Sally? Are there better ways for people like my friend to convey what is working and what isn’t, when they’re not comfortable saying a peep?

  • http://zerosolace.net roxy bourbon

    This is one one things things where I think it really depends on why the person is being quiet. Are they quiet because they are actually genuinely quiet during sex or is it because they were taught by some external source that they must be quiet?

    When I think back to the way things were with my ex-husband, he was quiet in bed. He learned to be quiet because he had grown up with a conservative mother who would be banging on the door asking “WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU BETTER NOT BE HAVING SEX IN THERE!” every time the door was shut. He had learned that sex was shameful, you were to be silent and keep things hidden. In the early days of our relationship, he lived with his folks and I had a few awkward experiences of yelling back that we were watching a movie mid-coitus. When we were eventually on our own and noise was allowed, he couldn’t stand how loud I was (and I’m naturally loud). We never had much trouble talking about sex between the two of us, we had a lot of problems agreeing what was arousing in the bedroom. Sex ended up being pretty sparse in our four year marriage.

  • http://www.diaryofakinkylibrarian.com Nadia West

    For me, when I can make noise I usually orgasm harder. The effort of keeping quiet will dampen down the orgasm at least a bit. I’m much happier when I can make noise.

    But barring noise (in my life I’ve noticed a lot of *guys* don’t make much noise) – if I can SEE my partner is enjoying themselves then it’s arousing for me.

  • Mr. Geek

    Its funny that I find your blog today as I was having this discussion with a friend of mine.

    I think that noise during sex is something that comes with time stemming from comfort with and trust of your partner. I think that some people can certainly be self-conscious about the noises they make when in the heat of the moment if the sex is with a newer partner and this concern leads to restraint.

    Making noise during sex is very raw and primal. It is a guttural vocal parallel to the physical and emotional sensation that is occurring during sex. I feel very much like you do, Lilly, in the fact that I listen for Mrs. Sexy’s audible cues of enjoyment, which gets me even more aroused because I LOVE pleasing her, and though it may be selfish, I LOVE to hear via her sounds that I am doing a good job!

    I also believe that your surroundings play a giant role in vocalizing during sex. I am pretty positive that most of us have lived in a dorm/apartment/town home/other type of connected domicile at some point in time and have been frustrated with the tenants above, below, or beside, due to noise. I know that when we lived in an apartment we got loud occasionally, but tried to keep ourselves in check most of the time out of courtesy for our neighbors. When we finally bought our home, the vocal gloves were off. I found myself getting louder and louder and growling during sex. Mrs. Sexy’s intensity also increased, and I think that this originated from the fact that we no longer have to be concerned about the weirdos on the other side of the wall.

    Now we growl together during our primal, nasty, kinky sessions, and end up exhausted, dripping with sweat, but grinning ear to ear!

    Cheers~!

  • http://www.sexytimesblog.com Amorie

    Sometimes the noises probably are just about _showing_ how much you enjoy. If someone is less noisy, it doesn’t mean she enjoys any less. It’s a sad thing if somebody feels pressured to be loud. Nobody wants to feel like they aren’t expressing themselves well in bed, or that they’re not giving their partners what they want.
    Then again, it can be liberating to learn to be loud if it has been somehow forbidden before. If staying silent means you have to control yourself, it can make sex less enjoyable. Letting go feels so good.
    I made a post about moaning and sex noises recently, but it’s a bit shallow. http://www.sexytimesblog.com/2012/08/how-to-communicate-during-sex-moaning.html It’s an advice post, but doesn’t actually give any tips regarging _how_ to start moaning, it’s only about _why_ you should start.
    Maybe the BDSM stuff could be helpful if there is some inhibitions to get over. Not for everyone, but for people who are already curious.

  • http://ofsexandlove.com adriana

    Wouldn’t the easiest thing be for him to just give her positive feedback about noises when she does make them? She sighs, he says “my god that’s so hot!” or something

  • http://sexylittleideas.com SexyLittleIdeas

    Noisy sex is almost always better! Of course, some people just aren’t screamers, and when you thrive off feedback, that could become a problem.

    It may help to try just becoming more selfish. If getting her off gets him off but he can’t tell if she’s getting off, try getting off on nothing more than getting off. Turning your focus inward to the feelings welling up inside of you may be an interesting alternative to trying to teach your mute partner to sing ;)