Sep 072012
 

Remember when I was happy? I was really and truly happy. Sure I had it all figured out. SO SURE. But sometime around the time I was preparing to visit my mom and my friend, I stopped finding time to exercise. And while I was there, my mom said one, small stupid thing that maybe had a bigger effect on me than I even realized.

I lost my happy. It’s fuckin gone. It doesn’t help that while I was at my moms, I had a goddamn dream about the one person I’m trying to hate and forget. I finally parted ways, officially and thoroughly (as much as life circumstances allow) with the man who dominated (literally) my first 1.5 years of blogging and who was a major fixture in my life for nearly 4 years. I stopped writing about him and even had to remove some posts and change some posts because someone from his real life found his old blog, found his Blogger account, therefore found all his old comments on my posts and connected some dots. Big dots. Life went into a tailspin for him and I supported his need to keep his life from falling apart, so I covered the tracks as best as I could. Even though I needed and wanted to write about him sometimes, I couldn’t. I suppose I could, now. I suppose I could tell everything. If this woman from his past does still read my blog, I don’t frankly care if she would see it and realize that he lied to her. It was years ago. None of this applies anymore.

ETA: I love you guys, you know that? Just wanted you to know.  Your support means the world to me, and I’m coming back slowly. Getting my groove back on (nerd, so fucking what) and making the most of everything I have. Enjoying new friends and living in the present…not the past anymore.  I’ve moved on, way past “rage” to literally “no fucks left to give”. If he lives, dies, thrives, fails…none of my concern or care. Liar liar….*shrugs* go away.

Tangent, much? Wow. I don’t know if that stupid dream (all of 10 seconds) invading my head space did it, if my mom did, if it was the stress of the piece of shit car he gave me finally dying and the need to replace it now a true need and not just a want to replace it simply because he gave it to me and I wanted to rid my life of all things Him. And with the need to replace the car came stress about buying the right one and stress of a new expense.

ETA: Our wonderful families pulled through and I finally have a BRAND NEW car. And I love every inch of it. I pet it sometimes. It’s awesome. It even heats up my ass. I feel incredibly lucky and supported by our families. I couldn’t have gotten this car without them and without my husband’s love, support and help.

I never got back into exercising. Weight loss stalled. My back really hurts, and I know it’s because I stopped doing the workouts. I have stayed gluten-free though, I won’t be going backwards on THAT.

So as I deal with this whole “losing my happy” I keep coming back to wondering what the fuck I should do about this blog. Nobody that read my blog in the first year or two still reads, and understandably so. I don’t date; I don’t have any desire for any kind of online flirtation; I literally cannot force erotica posts and I have no desire to take photos anymore. What’s left? Grumpy rants, the occasional OpEd piece about sex toys, and sex toy reviews. I seem to be doing at least one thing right, since I made a pretty decent amount in commissions lately, but that’s offset by the fact that blog advertising is WAY down. Man did THAT bubble burst. So my long, drawn-out point is that…I’m no longer “Dangerous Lilly”. But my dumb ass picked that as my domain. My blog header image still tries to pretend that “Dangerous” Lilly is just on hiatus, whilst Professor Lilly takes over for a bit but I really think that “Dangerous” Lilly has left the building. Some days I truly consider deleting all of my old erotica, photos and D/s blog posts. Delete all the shit that I wouldn’t really want a real-life friend seeing, all the shit that I think makes this site less professional. But if I deleted all of that, there would be a shit ton of traffic to my blog that would end with a 404-Not-Found error. Now, probably half of those people never go beyond the page that they landed on, but maybe half do. Maybe some come back. Who knows! And then with all of that old shit deleted, I’m most definitely not even “used to be” Dangerous Lilly, the moniker is then very confusing. So what the fuck do I do? I’m known by this name. I can’t just buy a new domain.

Except that I don’t even really want to write reviews most days. I’m behind on that. I haven’t really had a truly, awesomely good rant lately. No really great educational posts. Just kinda…..blah. I’ve been at this for more than 4 years. I’ve been feeling so blase about this that this year I let my blogging anniversary go with nary a word. So few people that were regulars in 2008 are still around. Many bloggers don’t even last a year.

I’ve been considering lately a new banner. One that drops the old blog name of “This Could Be Dangerous”, something that was with me since the first day on Blogger. Of course, that means a lot of people would still keep me in their blogroll as that and newcomers would be confused but oh well. I wonder how many other places I’m listed that way. Maybe I could do something totally different for the header, where I like scratch out the “Dangerous” part and write in “just plain Lilly”. Ditch the little b&w pics. I suppose this would then be a great time to completely change my theme, to one that auto-updates itself, but goddamn I spent days worth of hours making this theme perfect. And then if the blog’s name isn’t “This Could Be Dangerous” and I don’t really WANT to be referred to as “Dangerous Lilly” unless I have to be, wtf do I put in the header, what do I call this place? What do I say about myself in the important section of real estate so that people know what they’re getting here? Ugh.  Maybe it really is just time to hang up the hat and admit I have nothing left to say here.

ETA: Nope. Not hanging up the hat just yet. NEW BANNER. REVISED LAYOUT. YES.

So yeah. This is a post of absolutely no value, but I kinda just wanted to write and let it all out. Maybe I’ll get some feedback.

ETA: I love you guys. Srsly. The support you’ve given via comments and Twitter? More than a sex geek girl could ask for.

 Posted by at 4:03 pm
  • http://cristaanne.tumblr.com Crista.Anne

    I’m so incredibly, amazingly, totally with you. While this is such first world/white people problems, I have laid awake at night wrestling with what to do with my online presences now that I’ve Broken The World repeatedly. I love what I was doing before, but I cannot keep it up with my New Life. I do not have enough alone time to do quality sex toy reviews. If I have time sans awake children, I’m jumping on V, not testing a toy.

    My opinions on the world have changed /dramatically/ since I was last posting or keeping an online presence. I’m not dating, I’m not looking to carry on any serious flirtations, and while I will gladly spam photos – few are of the sexy variety.

    I’m always a sex geek, but it I don’t have the luxury of making it front and center in my life anymore. So. Yeah. PSG doesn’t fit me anymore, but I don’t know what is next either.

  • http://pennysdirtythoughts.com Penny

    I don’t think this post is of absolutely no value like you said; it’s actually very honest and interesting. I’ve only had my domain for less than a year, and I already have thoughts about wishing I could change it, so I can’t even imagine having a domain for 4 years and having a site that evolves and changes so much. I know I am a newbie to your blog compared to those who have been around since 2008, but maybe I can provide some feedback. When I first read this post, I had to go back and read your About Lilly section to see what your original meaning of “Dangerous Lilly” was. I see now that it refers to your exhibition/voyeurism/sharing your erotic experiences etc. That may be how your blog started, but when I see “Dangerous Lilly” I don’t think of dangerous in the sense of sharing your sexuality, I think more of that you are dangerous because you post things many others are afraid to. My favorite posts of yours have been ones where you call out bullshit-like the silicone flame tests, truth about dangers of jelly, or about how companies misbehave etc.

    Anyways, this is turning into quite the rambly comment now. But as a pretty new reader to your blog, I see no problem with changing your header if you want to. I actually think it would be awesome to see something that reflects more of how your blog is now. One thing for sure though is I love your blog, and even if you stopped blogging today I hope you would leave (at least some of it) up as a resource, but I do hope you keep blogging, even if that means a new header or a new domain or whatever else you need to do.

    xxPenny

  • http://heyepiphora.com Epiphora

    Penny took the words out of my mouth. “Dangerous” is a broad term. You will always be Lilly, and Lilly has no meaning, so really “dangerous” is the only problem… but I don’t see it as a problem. Your attitude is “dangerous.” You are “dangerous” to shitty companies. Your beat downs are “dangerous.” I think you should keep the name Dangerous Lilly, call the site Dangerous Lilly to be consistent, but come up with a tagline or a better bio that makes more sense with who you are now.

  • http://ofsexandlove.com adriana

    I feel similar. My domain — of sex and love — what sex? what love? I got none of that now. It’s not what I thought it’d be, because I’m not where I thought I’d be. It is what it is, yet, I struggle with whether that’s good enough.. and not good enough for others, but good enough for me. I don’t know, this is rambly.

    We choose our identities, our nicknames, our domains at specific times in our lives, and sometimes those times are more fleeting than we could ever realize. THe problem with domains is branding and traffic. You can switch and lose rank. You can delete content that no longer represents you and wind up with a bunch of 404s. There’s no easy answers.

    But perhaps we’re not asking the right questions. I find, more and more, than I want OSAL to be a place where I talk about any dating I do, all sorts of sexual topics, the occasional sex store, some reviews, and sex in the news. I don’t do all of that well, to be honest, because OSAL is my least important website (I don’t feel quite so bad if I forget about it).

    What am I even saying ?I don’t know. I feel you, I guess.

  • http://www.atmycounter.blogspot.com Deedra

    It sounds like you need to let some rage take over for a little bit. I had a man in my head for a while- then he started to piss off the voices in my head. YOU will always be YOU. I am at this odd point in my life where I have been second-guessing all kinds of shit. Shit that I would not even care about other wise. I feet insecure and weak and that is not like me at all. That’s when “EVIL” me said.. Fuck this press that “fuck-it” button. It is amazing when you can look at someone or something and scream the F-bomb at it. Shit scream Fire Truck if you need to PG it. Release it to the world and keep pushing!! I don’t know you- but I GOT YOUR BACK BABY!!

  • http://roewoof.tumblr.com Roe

    Please don’t delete your blog posts. I can relate to everything you’re saying. Being involved in D/s myself, working on my weight, and living in real life.. I get it.
    I’ve had some bad stretches, and finding your blog accidentally, feels like a godsend.
    Sometimes just knowing that you aren’t the only one out here going through the same struggles means everything to many of us.

  • http://dangerouslilly.com Lilly

    I’ve tried. But the rage became consuming. I would simply prefer an absence of feelings…

  • Zev

    I have to admit that I haven’t been a long time reader. I even have to admit that I first landed on your site thanks to one of your erotica posts.

    However, the point is, no matter where you are in life right now, don’t give up on the blog. If for no other reason, this could be your place to rant. Even if your site visitors are down to a fraction of what they were, you’ll still have some people who will be regulars.

    The reason I say this is because I’ve gone through something similar in the past. Though it was only for a year and a half, I had a fairly decent following (nowhere close to yours) and then my life went to the dumps. I didn’t want to ‘taint’ my blog, so I took it down and started one that was full of rants. Strangely enough, some of my fun-time followers stuck around and it did give me a place to vent all my frustrations and rant on!

  • http://karasutrareviews.com Kara_Sutra

    I just want you to know that I love what you do, ‘who’ you are (even if it’s just an online presence for now being that we’ve not yet personally met), and your honesty.

    I’ve been doing this (sex edish/reviews etc) for over 5 years and can say I really know what you’re feeling regarding your blog & what you do… hate to say it but I grew bored of what I was doing, didn’t feel challenged anymore and sort of needed to step away for a bit, but sometimes that’s what it takes to be able to come back with a new vision. I say change it. Change it all. You’ve grown in the last 4 years, your work has shifted, your writing has developed and your interests have evolved. Make it relevant to who you are *now*, not who you were 4 years ago.

    You still have something valuable to offer and most importantly, you’re *needed*… by us who look up to you, read your posts/reviews, and the whole sex positive community in general. Take the time you need to heal, change, grow, etc. But please don’t leave for good. You’d certainly be missed.

  • http://onemoremissus.blogspot.com Mrs. M

    Hi Lilly! I haven’t commented in a while, but I just wanted to say that I hope you find that happy place again.

    I remember when I first discovered your blog..it’s been at least 2 years ago and I was on a different blog name (Indelible Wench). Anyway, all I could think about was what a bad ass I thought you were.

    And, I still do.

    I don’t come around as often anymore and I regret that, but you are still “Dangerous Lilly” to me. It has just morphed into something different.

    You are fluid and that is a good thing. I hope you keep on keepin’ on!