Remember when I was happy? I was really and truly happy. Sure I had it all figured out. SO SURE. But sometime around the time I was preparing to visit my mom and my friend, I stopped finding time to exercise. And while I was there, my mom said one, small stupid thing that maybe had a bigger effect on me than I even realized.
I lost my happy. It’s fuckin gone. It doesn’t help that while I was at my moms, I had a goddamn dream about the one person I’m trying to hate and forget. I finally parted ways, officially and thoroughly (as much as life circumstances allow) with the man who dominated (literally) my first 1.5 years of blogging and who was a major fixture in my life for nearly 4 years. I stopped writing about him and even had to remove some posts and change some posts because someone from his real life found his old blog, found his Blogger account, therefore found all his old comments on my posts and connected some dots. Big dots. Life went into a tailspin for him and I supported his need to keep his life from falling apart, so I covered the tracks as best as I could. Even though I needed and wanted to write about him sometimes, I couldn’t. I suppose I could, now. I suppose I could tell everything. If this woman from his past does still read my blog, I don’t frankly care if she would see it and realize that he lied to her. It was years ago. None of this applies anymore.
ETA: I love you guys, you know that? Just wanted you to know. Your support means the world to me, and I’m coming back slowly. Getting my groove back on (nerd, so fucking what) and making the most of everything I have. Enjoying new friends and living in the present…not the past anymore. I’ve moved on, way past “rage” to literally “no fucks left to give”. If he lives, dies, thrives, fails…none of my concern or care. Liar liar….*shrugs* go away.
Tangent, much? Wow. I don’t know if that stupid dream (all of 10 seconds) invading my head space did it, if my mom did, if it was the stress of the piece of shit car he gave me finally dying and the need to replace it now a true need and not just a want to replace it simply because he gave it to me and I wanted to rid my life of all things Him. And with the need to replace the car came stress about buying the right one and stress of a new expense.
ETA: Our wonderful families pulled through and I finally have a BRAND NEW car. And I love every inch of it. I pet it sometimes. It’s awesome. It even heats up my ass. I feel incredibly lucky and supported by our families. I couldn’t have gotten this car without them and without my husband’s love, support and help.
I never got back into exercising. Weight loss stalled. My back really hurts, and I know it’s because I stopped doing the workouts. I have stayed gluten-free though, I won’t be going backwards on THAT.
So as I deal with this whole “losing my happy” I keep coming back to wondering what the fuck I should do about this blog. Nobody that read my blog in the first year or two still reads, and understandably so. I don’t date; I don’t have any desire for any kind of online flirtation; I literally cannot force erotica posts and I have no desire to take photos anymore. What’s left? Grumpy rants, the occasional OpEd piece about sex toys, and sex toy reviews. I seem to be doing at least one thing right, since I made a pretty decent amount in commissions lately, but that’s offset by the fact that blog advertising is WAY down. Man did THAT bubble burst. So my long, drawn-out point is that…I’m no longer “Dangerous Lilly”. But my dumb ass picked that as my domain. My blog header image still tries to pretend that “Dangerous” Lilly is just on hiatus, whilst Professor Lilly takes over for a bit but I really think that “Dangerous” Lilly has left the building. Some days I truly consider deleting all of my old erotica, photos and D/s blog posts. Delete all the shit that I wouldn’t really want a real-life friend seeing, all the shit that I think makes this site less professional. But if I deleted all of that, there would be a shit ton of traffic to my blog that would end with a 404-Not-Found error. Now, probably half of those people never go beyond the page that they landed on, but maybe half do. Maybe some come back. Who knows! And then with all of that old shit deleted, I’m most definitely not even “used to be” Dangerous Lilly, the moniker is then very confusing. So what the fuck do I do? I’m known by this name. I can’t just buy a new domain.
Except that I don’t even really want to write reviews most days. I’m behind on that. I haven’t really had a truly, awesomely good rant lately. No really great educational posts. Just kinda…..blah. I’ve been at this for more than 4 years. I’ve been feeling so blase about this that this year I let my blogging anniversary go with nary a word. So few people that were regulars in 2008 are still around. Many bloggers don’t even last a year.
I’ve been considering lately a new banner. One that drops the old blog name of “This Could Be Dangerous”, something that was with me since the first day on Blogger. Of course, that means a lot of people would still keep me in their blogroll as that and newcomers would be confused but oh well. I wonder how many other places I’m listed that way. Maybe I could do something totally different for the header, where I like scratch out the “Dangerous” part and write in “just plain Lilly”. Ditch the little b&w pics. I suppose this would then be a great time to completely change my theme, to one that auto-updates itself, but goddamn I spent days worth of hours making this theme perfect. And then if the blog’s name isn’t “This Could Be Dangerous” and I don’t really WANT to be referred to as “Dangerous Lilly” unless I have to be, wtf do I put in the header, what do I call this place? What do I say about myself in the important section of real estate so that people know what they’re getting here? Ugh. Maybe it really is just time to hang up the hat and admit I have nothing left to say here.
ETA: Nope. Not hanging up the hat just yet. NEW BANNER. REVISED LAYOUT. YES.
So yeah. This is a post of absolutely no value, but I kinda just wanted to write and let it all out. Maybe I’ll get some feedback.
ETA: I love you guys. Srsly. The support you’ve given via comments and Twitter? More than a sex geek girl could ask for.