Dec 312011
 

Every year the sex toy industry grows and, hopefully, matures beyond jelly rubber/phthalates as their stand-by breadwinner. Sometimes the best innovations are not really much more than a slight re-do. The failures of the year include things that were never tried before – innovation was their downfall. To be fair, it wasn’t the whole “let’s try something new” that was the failure it was the “Did you people even test this shit?” aspect. Beta is fine for online computer games, not sex toys.

The Best New Sex Toys in 2011

I’m keeping this sub-list down to the best sex toys that came out this past year (or at least I’m pretty sure these did)


Rechargeable silicone dual action vibrating stimulator with powerful independent dual motors, one in the stimulator and one in the tip. Double penetration vibrating dildo with smooth shaft that provides fullness in the vagina, while the soft, flexible beads stimulate anally,  made of Tantus’s own unique blend of 100% Ultra-Premium Sil The E-sensual bullet is a powerful vibrator that is powered by your computer. The silicone Flurry is an anatomically targeted Tantus product made specifically to stimulate the G-spot. Flurry's tapered shape features a bulked up base perfect for harness play. Small, elegant and discrete clitoral stimulator covered in smooth soft 100% body safe silicone, with 5 levels of surprisingly strong vibrations , starting with a nice low rumble + 5 different pulsing Worn while making love, the We-Vibe 3 boasts more power, a fully waterproof design, a convenient wireless remote control, and a wireless charger base. A multiple girth G-Spot massager with 7 functions of vibration and 2 stimulating ends, made from phthalate and latex free body-safe A.B.S. plastic with satin smooth coating.

Vanity VR6 by Jopen – The vibrator that made me realize I could love internal g-spot vibrations. Sadly it is the only one in the entire Vanity line that packs the rumbly power punch – the rest have power, yes, but none are quite as Rocky Balboa as the VR61. It’s still not the perfect Rabbit-Style vibrator but it’s something I’m willing to overlook for how HOLY FUCK YES it stimulates my g-spot just by sitting there, vibrating.

Flex Double Penetration by Tantus – I won’t be using it personally but I do own one and have read the reviews. It’s a vibrating dildo with a rabbit-esque attachment of firm “anal beads”. It’s probably one of kind at this point. And it’s silicone, one of the only materials you should put in your ass! Use the included RO-80 bullet vibe for a little something extra or get the Tantus suction cup attachment for more fun.

 E-Sensual USB-Powered Bullet – My new favorite bullet, a close second to the Black Magic Bullet. It’s rumbly and it’s a powerhouse and it allows me to forget about batteries when I jerk off at my usual location – in front of my computer. It can be modified to grab it’s power from an electrical outlet  if you have a smartphone outlet charger and you’ll probably want to pick up a $5 USB extension cable if you want a little freedom from the cord length.

  Tantus O2 Flurry – Really firm core surrounded by plush, softness. Pure silicone, of course. Great base, good size, just all around awesome. O2 Cush for more girth is equally awesome, but load up on the lube. The base is a natural suction cup on the right surface.

   Honorable Mentions:

 Je Joue Mimi – Finally a rechargeable vibrator with a moderately-strong and rumbly, deep motor. It’s not ideal because the buttons are a bitch and for me the magnetic charger easily disconnects. It has flaws but sometimes the motor (intensity and vibration type) can throw out bonus points that make you overlook certain things.

 

We Vibe 3 – The minor improvement to the motor’s intensity and the addition of the remote are good upgrades for those that already like this toy or almost loved the previous version.  Simple, but at least you don’t want to throw it at the wall like some other couples vibes we know.

 

Sweet Embrace – Vibrations that get me off, but it’s poorly designed. I adore it for many reasons but none of them are what it was made for (g-spot massage). It’s an inexpensive vibrator that can be unscrewed in the middle for travel and produces fairly powerful, rumbly vibrations. It’s also a serviceable g-spot dildo in a pinch.

 

The Worst Sex Toys of 2011

Lelo Tiani and the entire Insignia SenseMotion line – The level of disappointment and frustration can’t even be summed up here. Lelo totally bombed here. Between the lackluster vibrations, the remote from hell, the fact that the vibrator just SHUTS OFF if you lose signal to the remote AND YOU WILL, and the high price tag it’s the most hyped thing this year that flopped so horribly. If wishes, hopes and dreams could rescue a sex toy from abject failure then the Insignia line as a whole would have magically been exactly what we expected. But it wasn’t meant to be.

Picobong – The whole fuckin line. Yet another Lelo fail. Marketed towards, I think, younger people? They are a more affordable line from Lelo that seems to be designed by someone not human2. Typical buzzy & weak vibrations mock you behind the cutesy exterior, and every insertable model makes you want to scream because the buttons to control it are now inside you.

The Studio Collection’s Vibrating Brush from Screaming O – Touted as vibrators that could be mistaken for makeup in your purse. But oh! no! Better than the crappy predecessors! I don’t think so. What makeup brush do you own has no bristles? The fake bristles (along with “Screaming O” on the handle) absolutely shot the whole “vibrator in disguise” thing totally out of the water.

Club Vibe 2.Oh – Like the Sensemotion line from Lelo, Ohmibod’s wireless sound/music responsive “public” vibrator is wonky at best, according to all the reviews. Weak and buzzy yet loud and irritating. It had potential…oh they all do, really. But what club-hopping chick is going to want a fairly large hard plastic vibrator shoved in her panties when she’s probably wearing something skimpy and revealing?

 

 

Best Discovery of 2011

My best “where have you been all these years??” discovery that didn’t come out this year but I should have tried it ages ago: Mystic Wand. Gotta be honest, I don’t even touch my Hitachi these days. Or Acuvibe.

  1. This is fact and is admitted by the manufacturer, BMS. Yeah I know it’s put out under CalEx’s label but trust me
  2. Because humans don’t have a “C-spot” and can’t push buttons on sex toys that are buried in their ass or vagina
Dec 292011
 

I think I have enough sex toys.

I’ll probably change my mind in a few weeks. But I can’t find anything that I’m just dying to try. I have a bunch of things lined up to review, though. A Leaf vibe, and new super-pretty glass dildo from MyPleasure are the top ones. I bought a Lelo Ella since it’s one of the things I always harbored an interest in but never tried, I might review that or I might just keep it for a giveaway item someday if I can ever get this sex toy education workshop going. I also bought an Extase Zenith vibe with some reservations, reservations which proved me right. It sounds like a fuckin weed whacker. I wrote to the company but they never responded. I don’t think it’s supposed to be quite that loud. They like to claim all their vibes are “whisper quiet”. That’s almost never true, it’s just weasel words.

Problem is, I have this great one-time only coupon code for EF (25% off) that needs to be used up by January 8th and I truly have nothing I REALLY want. One lucky reader can use it but only if they agree to purchase through my affiliate links at EF. I’m trying to make sure that my trip to Momentum, where I’m presenting, is fully funded so I’m really trying hard to get as many affiliate commissions at EF as possible this month (because the commissions made in December won’t get paid out til February which means I’ll be better able to save that money and not use it, lol). I’d thought that I had enough in commissions but I don’t yet. Close! Of course they currently have tons of sales, too, so good deals are to be had with or without that coupon code.

Speaking of Momentum, their early bird registration ends January 2nd!! If you think you’d like to go, buy tickets NOW or the price will go up by $25 after Jan 2nd. If something comes up you can always transfer your tickets to someone else (by March 1st) so take advantage of this now. I personally think that the sessions and presenters look to be even more awesome than last year – which means you really don’t want to miss this.

I lamented not too long ago about all the idiotic emails I get where it’s quite fuckin clear they didn’t actually read my blog or my Advertising page or whatever. So I finally found a WordPress contact form plugin that allows me to create error messages based on what someone does wrong in the form, and more importantly allows me to say that a choice you can make is wrong! Go ahead, go try it. If you’re a reader and not totally lacking in intelligence you’ll know which choices are THE WRONG CHOICES and will get to see my awesome fail message. It could be more awesome of course but the creator of this plugin didn’t likely account for someone like me >:)

Oh and a rant to look forward to on the horizon: Reviews that talk about a crappy/weak toy being great for beginners. I was guilty of that once, too, but it’s sugar-coating AND weasel words and I have things to say about it.

e[lust] and the new schedule arrive in just a few short days, January 1st! Get your submission figured out!

 Posted by at 11:00 pm
Dec 282011
 

Update 2014: The Lelo Tiani no longer exists. A court found that Lelo was infringing on the We-Vibe, and Tiani 2 can’t be sold in the US or Canada anymore. I’m not sure if it exists overseas. Lelo tried to come up with a “better” and different couples vibe, the Ida, but failed spectacularly. There is now the We-Vibe 4, which fits better, but the remote isn’t the best for public play.

One topic that I get asked a lot when I help people pick out sex toys is which wireless remote control vibrator I recommend for public play. Especially after the recent reviews of the Lelo Tiani and the We Vibe 3 people are hoping that finally something has come out on the market that isn’t the sex toy equivalent to what fast food really looks like – i.e. all hype with no delivery.

It saddens me that when people ask me to recommend a vibrator like this for public play, I can’t. And yes, I’ve seen them all. I played with a couple in the Seattle Babeland. I know how to read reviews1 and so far not one wireless remote controlled vibrator on the market does what they claim to do. If they claim to run “whisper quiet”2 then that is either an outright lie or it means that the vibrations are surface, buzzy and barely a tickle. Vibrating panties are pretty much always cheaply constructed and “one size fits most” which means the opposite. And for some reason the transmission from remote to toy is fickle at best. A lot of women like to actually insert these eggs internally (which I personally wouldn’t but that’s me) which means that now there’s not just fabric as a barrier between the remote and the toy, but flesh and bone.

A common complaint with many wireless remote controlled vibrators is that the remote control holder doesn’t have a damn clue what’s going on. They push a button and that’s it. Lelo, as you all know, set out to majorly change that and give the person holding the remote a much more active role in the process with their Sensemotion technology. The Club Vibe 2.OH from OhMiBod has a remote that kinda fixes that…except that it lights up, the remote is huge and it’s not at all discreet. The Club Vibe (both original and 2.Oh) is buzzy and weak, it looks uncomfortable and the 2.Oh has a button you must push on the vibrator to start it up and it lights up, too. I hope you don’t wear this in public with clothing that would show the lit up button through it! Many of these wireless remote controlled vibrators take batteries – weird batteries, lots of batteries and go through them at a rapid pace. Many of these sex toys also require the remote control for the vibrator to work (except for the We Vibe 3) so if that dies or gets lost, you’re out of luck.

Almost wireless remote controlled vibes are expensive. Really expensive. And thus far I’ve not really found one that justifies the price. The We Vibe 3 probably has the best type of vibrations, it doesn’t require the remote for use and the remote doesn’t required batteries plus the vibrator is rechargeable; however the range of the remote is a paltry 10 feet, it doesn’t do well through clothing unless it’s very thing and it simply wasn’t ever marketed/made to be a public use toy. The remote is no-frills and the remote holder won’t know what is going on. What about strap-on vibrators, like the stupidly infamous piece of crap the Venus Butterfly and the many variations? If you enjoy having a large animal-shaped hunk of TPR in between your legs that muffles the paltry bullet vibe and gives you untold frustration, go for it.

 

 

 
Black plastic bullet with control pack with velvety texture. Plastic vibrator kit that includes: a traditional vibrator, a pocket rocket, a bullet and controller and a 1 oz. water-based lubricant. Harmony Powerful waterproof bullet with two speeds

 

  1. You take them all with a grain of salt, you consider how jaded or new the reviewer is and also what their personal expectation levels are with sex toys and vibration strengths. You also look for “candy coating for a sale” tactics
  2. yet another sales-tactic weasel word
Dec 202011
 

I’ve been talking a LOT about sex toys lately, I know. Bear with me :)

California Exotics USB-Powered E-Sensual Bullet Vibrator

The other day while browsing new additions to EF I stumbled across this bullet vibe from CalExotics that is USB-powered. No, not USB-rechargeable. USB POWERED. I read the reviews, many of which made me a bit irritated so I immediately bought this thing myself just so I could get across one major point:

It can’t be listed as a “Con” (in the Pros and Cons of the review template) if it was never meant to do that by design. No batteries? No suction cup? WTF?

Moving along. A comment made by many people who commented on the previous reviews was “Looks interesting, but I don’t want to be tied to my computer” to which I say: “Why would you buy/consider this then?”1. If I had no electrical outlets in my house, I wouldn’t even contemplate buying a rechargeable vibrator or a plug-in vibrator. Same same.

Okay, really, moving along.

THIS BULLET IS FUCKING AWESOME. WHERE HAS IT BEEN MY WHOLE LIFE?!?! And by whole life I mean “while I was working at my old job and used to jerk off at my desk a LOT“. I can’t even tell you how many times I would run out of batteries there; this would have solved the problem 100%. Now that I no longer am in that situation one would think that this vibrator wouldn’t be as useful to me, but you’d be wrong. I have to admit that the place I most frequently masturbate these days is at my desk. In fact I only leave my desk if I require the use of a different toy or want to use my Pure Wand (it works better for me if I’m laying down). Otherwise I sit here with a trusty bullet vibe tucked down in my panties / whatever I’m wearing while I browse my Tumblr porn and read hot blog entries and so on; I usually have a very lovely hands-free orgasm.

That is, of  course, until I run out of AAA batteries for my Black Magic bullet vibrator. But no more! The E-Sensual bullet vibrator is REALLY powerful. It’s so powerful that the rumbly-ness of the first level becomes a touch buzzy at the top speed (which is like, whoa, some days even I can’t take it) but it’s still getting me off fabulously. It has 3 patterns and, perhaps because of the rumbly and the intensity, I actually like and use the patterns. I know, right, who am I?!?

The argument of “I don’t want to be tied to my computer” doesn’t hold water for anyone willing to A: Shell out another $10 and who B: has a smartphone. My phone came with this nifty wall charger that actually has a USB-toMicro-USB cable. I removed that cable and plugged in the bullet vibe and IT WORKED. It was also even more powerful, if that’s possible. I haven’t gotten an answer yet from CalEx if this is bad for the toy. Then I did some thinking and remembered that my Bluetooth headset came with a mini USB-to-Micro-USB cable and a car charger that you plugged the USB end into. Voila! You can use your E-Sensual vibe in the car now! So we have computer/laptop, wall outlet, and car charger. ETA: I bought all the necessary cables and USB gender-changer adapters just to find out that it won’t run off of your smartphone’s micro-USB port. Sad, but oh well. We still have extension cables, wall outlets and car chargers! 

If you jerk off at your computer, just buy the damn bullet. For the minor faults that I wrote about in my onsite review it is still utterly worth it for folks like me. And it’s affordable. Even with the cables and accessories. (The cable is a bit short for many desktop computer users but again you can buy an extension cable for like less than $6 on Amazon.)

PicoBong: A line of cheap toys that are about as disappointing as I expected

To be fair I’ve only tried one but let’s be real here: I only need to try one. Epiphora and SugarCunt confirmed that the annoying Kiki 2 is cute but weak and disappointing. Which is exactly what the Picobong Honi is: Stupidly designed, surface-buzzy as hell and not very strong. I knew this before I bought it. I did. But again, I think I wanted it just so that I could write a review that didn’t focus on using the goddamned thing internally. I mean seriously, why would you once you see the controls?? Just because it has a “retrieval cord”? Just because Picobong stupidly claims it can be used internally? If they meant for it to be used internally, why oh why would they put the control buttons on the side of the bullet? Is this suddenly now a game to see if you can clench your PC muscles enough and in the right location to change the vibration while it’s inside of you? Wow. Dumb. If they hadn’t actually said on their awful site that it was an external bullet it wouldn’t be quite so bad. They say you should set it and then insert it (duh). So if you wanna change it up, you have to take it out, covered in fluids, and change it? Riiiiight. And the indented PicoBong name and buttons are a bitch and a half to get clean. The cap also is really, really difficult to get on straight and tight enough for me to believe that it really is waterproof. I don’t see an o-ring. I turned it on and dropped it in a sink of water. At first I thought it was dead because I saw no ripples in the water (and it wasn’t very deep). But no, it was running. After a few minutes I took it out and dried it off, opened that cap and sure enough there was some moisture.

What do you get when Lelo tries to create something “affordable” for the younger crowd? You get a box that’s flimsier than the cheapest toy companies and a battery-operated poorly-designed dud. Lelo seems to be intent on never offering anybody any real stimulation to write home about. OH! And just to make you feel better about spending the money on this thing they’ve included a FUN DICE! (Die? Singular?) It has vague images of their various toys on it instead of numbers or anything. Which is…..I….I don’t even know. What the fuck am I supposed to do with this thing? Do they intend for it to be like Pokemon and we collect the entire line of crap and then roll the dice to come up with our playtime rotation? Because each one will come with the same damn die so you’ll then have half a dozen worthless dice. So you’re holding this thing and wondering what the fuck to do with it. You go to their website and you find where they talk about it, finally, and first you find a Pacman-like game on the site (yawn) and then somewhere (I can’t even find it now) there’s a “So what do I do with this die?” FAQ questions and their answer is “We were hoping you’d tell us!”

*headdesk*

The whole site irritates the shit out of me. Everything about it. Everything about the toys. ENOUGH WITH THIS “C-SPOT” shit! And to top it off, the toys are still overpriced for what they are. In fact, here’s one for $20 that’s probably better, but similar concept and design.

So there you go. One post, two bullet vibes, polar opposites. The CalEx (I know I’m almost choking endorsing something by them) E-Sensual USB Bullet Vibrator is fucking awesome; while the PicoBong by Lelo Honi Bullet Vibrator is an annoying piece of junk.

 

Post sponsored by: EdenFantasys (What this means), a sex toy store

  1. Except to the people who review everything just because they have to review everything and are total sex toy geeks which if so, then that’s ok, because we need more sex toy geeks
  2. and their prolific use of the head-bashing term “C-Spot”; PicoBong/Lelo, you dumbasses, it is not young or hip to change “clitoris” to “C-spot”
Dec 192011
 

EDIT: Jan 2013:  I have recently found out that when you combine the attachment of the Gee Whiz (Or Gee Whizzard) with the new Lelo Smart Wand LARGE, the results are breathtaking. The Large Wand has powerful, rumbly-as-an-earthquake vibrations which are best experienced when harnessed in the Gee Whiz  attachment. Otherwise, the large head makes clitoral stimulation more difficult. The Gee Whiz is helpful for focusing the vibrations for external stimulation, some dual stimulation if you’re built right and angle things right, but mostly just a whole lot of awesome, internal vibration. I managed to stimulate the internal portion of my clit so much that I had a clitoral orgasm using this method and I didn’t even touch the external portion of my clit! I’m hooked. 

Others have claimed that the Fun Factory G4 Big Boss is a very powerful internal/g-spot vibrator, but the shaft is very thick and it’s not a g-spot vibrator. Due to the thick shaft, the vibrations are dampened by all that silicone, and dampened moreso when it’s inserted and surrounded by flesh. The Fun Factory Stronic could be a powerful internal vibrator, but it’s not equipped with traditional “vibrations” – it does a thrusting/jack-hammering sort of motion. It’s powerful, to be sure, but the style of stimulation may not suit many.

 

Recently a reader happened across my review for the Jopen Vanity VR6 where I said that the internal portion of the dual-stimulator was THE STRONGEST vibrator I’d ever had the pleasure of feeling inside of me and it suddenly changed my views on internal vibrators. Of course, I’m still not going to like anything that’s not as strong as the VR6, but I can see why women do like internal vibrations now (I never did before, I guess I require more power there, too. Lovely).

Said reader asked if this was true, if the VR6 really and still was the most powerful g-spot vibrator and I still say yes: But the only drawback is that it isn’t just a g-spot vibrator, it’s a dual-stim rabbit style vibrator and if you don’t enjoy the clitoral portion then it does take away from the awesomeness a bit. Fair reader had tried out g-spot attachments for the Hitachi Magic Wand, knowing that the Hitachi is pretty fucking powerful but found out that all that power at the head doesn’t really translate to the same amount of power when it has to travel through solid silicone attachments. Powerful? Sure. Enough? Not for us.

So in order to give her some more choices I did my research and found this bit on the PowerBullet site, saying that all their PowerBullets and toys that use them are powerful but that two toys stand out as having a little more oomph. The VR6 is one such toy. The other one is a smaller massage-style vibe. I remember when I snagged another Jopen Vanity vibrator, the VR2, I hoped to find the exact same internal power without the clitoral arm to get in the way. And I was let down. But I know, now, that the VR6 is a unicorn. It’s rumbly and so powerful and so so good that it kind of removes your ability to speak.

BMS Enterprises, maker of the PowerBullet: I implore you and fellow toy makers to please, please make a plain g-spot-only vibrator with the power of the Vanity VR6. PUHLEAASSE. I’ll worship you. Edit: They tried. They failed because it’s a straight vibe, not G-spot, and the Envy Three has so many problems in use.

All that being said, I also advised her to get the Pure Wand. I know, it’s not a vibrator. But in the absence of the VR6 I will choose the Pure Wand any day over any internal vibrator because it has the ability to stimulate my g-spot like nothing else. But hey, you knew that already if you’ve been around here for very long!

Dec 162011
 

Women fake orgasms. Not all women or not all the time. It is slowly becoming less prevalent but it still happens. Just a few generations ago women were not taught much (if at all) about their sexuality, their sex organs, or about sex and pleasure. Our grandmother’s mothers probably told them that “sex is for men and making babies”. Virgin brides were worried about it hurting and were told that it would hurt. Word of mouth was all that they knew; if you came from a Catholic family …. forget it.

So a few months ago a post was highlighted either on Facebook or Twitter and I skimmed it and bookmarked it for later; the title, “He Doesn’t Deserve Your Validation: Putting The Fake Orgasm Out of Business”, didn’t leave me feeling negative about the article. I was prepared to write a post agreeing with the author.

I’m not agreeing with the author on many things. I do agree to the basic message though – a faked orgasm doesn’t do us (either person in the equation) any favors. And as soon as I typed that out my brain went “Well…..sometimes it does….”

A woman faking an orgasm is now sort of, just part of the deal, isn’t it? You just do it; it’s almost like something that’s passed down from generation to generation, like makeup tips or a recipe. It’s a gift women give to men, because it’ll just keep him satisfied and calm. Many of the women I’ve talked with see faking an orgasm as a little gift, a favor for the man they’re with. That makes no sense to me. Faking an orgasm is not like making him a snack after he comes home from work or remembering what kind of beer he likes to drink.

Really? A gift to men? I used to fake….a lot. I did not ever view it as a gift to my partner. Did I do it sometimes to keep him from feeling inadequate? Yes. But then again in many aspects of life I’m the one asking “Well what do YOU want to do?” Because I’d much rather go along with their plan and see them happy than me choose the restaurant/movie/place we’re going and feel guilty the whole time because they’re miserable. Is that my responsibility, is that fair? No.I really want to know though what many women this guy is talking to, what their age range is. I am 34 and I have faked orgasms. There ya have it. But I have never and will never qualify doing so as “I did it for him”. For US though? To keep both of our happy glows? Yeah. Mostly. Sort of.  Because deep way down at the heart of the matter it wasn’t JUST about avoiding that let-down look of “I’m terrible at sex and now I feel guilty” that would end up ruining what had actually been fun and pleasurable experience and even bonding for me or emotional (It felt good. Great, even, but I couldn’t quite orgasm).

I faked orgasms because I didn’t know how to have one.

In fact, I don’t think I would have recognized an orgasm if it bit me in the face. And when I compare sensations and those little after-shock contractions now vs then….um yeah I actually did have orgasms. The contractions, and especially the twitchy minutes-long aftershock contractions, are never present for me if I didn’t orgasm. Ever. I know this now. I didn’t know it then because I didn’t know how to orgasm. I didn’t know what I needed. I didn’t know how to give it to myself much less ask for it (pre-vibrators). The first boyfriend I had sex with (I was 18) I also watched some soft porn with occasionally. We were horny little bastards. I liked the sex. I liked most of what he did to me. What I didn’t like I didn’t know why I didn’t like it so I couldn’t give him any feedback. Did I see fantasy-world porn and fantasy-world “orgasms”? Yep. Did we both watch that porn and use it as our manual and expect our results to be the same? Yep. I don’t think though that I faked it modeling after what I saw on porn. I think I was mimicking him. His pleasure built and built and built and it was obvious and then….crescendo! angels! choirs! He was exhausted and delirious and right there was the proof positive of his orgasm, filling up the reservoir tip of our condom.

I’ve almost never been with a guy who wasn’t like me in some regard – my pleasure was his pleasure and vice versa, our arousal and enjoyment fed off of the other’s arousal and enjoyment. So yeah he was going to make sure that I came, too.

I was too embarrassed to tell him I didn’t. That I didn’t know how to have an orgasm, that I’d never (to my knowledge) had an orgasm and that frankly I wasn’t positive that I knew where the clitoris was (I didn’t, I found out in my mid-twenties).

I faked an orgasm (or 300) because I was self-conscious and woefully un-sex-educated.

Because even when I would finally learn where things were and what I (or my partner) was supposed to be doing with them I still couldn’t orgasm. I’d get close….and maybe I did actually have a mild orgasm but I didn’t know it. I thought it was supposed to be bigger, better and more obvious. “You’ll know” I was told by the few female friends who had experienced an orgasm. Fireworks. Earth moving1.

I faked orgasms because I didn’t want to explain all of the above.

Many of my “fakes” were faking in the way of saying “Yes I came”. Actually verbalizing the words because I was asked if I had. Did I? No clue. Did it feel realllly fuckin good though? YES. I’ve had a lot of really good sex where he’s hitting my g-spot over and over and it just feels fucking fantastic and I’m vocal about that. My “holy shit”s and “oh fuck yes”es are not theatrics and they’re not lies. It feels awesome. And then he came and it was done and I knew I wasn’t going to come because I just don’t/can’t get there and I didn’t  want to ruin the awesome sex and the whole vibe by saying that I didn’t come.

Many women fake their orgasms as a means to end an un-pleasurable sexual process.

Ok….yeah. If it’s a one-night-stand or new boyfriend or whatever…yeah. I will totally fake for that reason. I’d tried the honest route and was met with puppy-dog “Let’s try it again!”. No no, I’m dried up and rubbed raw and no longer aroused.

 

In the end I appreciate the effort this guy and others are trying to put forth. It’s the thought that counts. Kinda. But seriously, would the people talking about this shit stop fucking assuming that there aren’t a multitude of reasons why we fake and that many aren’t “a means to an end” or “a gift”??? You’re. Not. Helping.

I try to avoid being and sounding prescriptive in my writing, but in this case I am begging women to put the fake orgasm out of business. Men don’t need or deserve more validation—we get it every day, in many different ways.

I do not fake to GIVE YOU VALIDATION.

Most women have yet to discover their true sexual power—not power over others—but the power they can feel within themselves. So when men maintain women by doing a little here and there in the bedroom, and women fake it, it just leads to a diminishing of female power.

No, honey, I just had yet to discover where the fuck my clitoris was, what was required to stimulate it enough to orgasm and that the magic answer for me was “vibrator”2. And once I discovered “vibrator” I had to discover what kind and what style and how best to use it. Some women do that with fingers and tongues. I spent 10 years on fingers and tongues. I should have a fucking PhD in the failure of the application of fingers and tongues to my clitoris.

There are so many women who are going to disagree with me. Am I giving others permission to fake? Well, no. A lot of the women agreeing with the original article all proclaim that they have high sex drives (Hi, me too!). Do they perhaps have higher self-esteem or better sense of self than me? Were they taught or just inately knew all their years where everything was and what you were supposed to do with it? Quite possibly yes to all of those. I have distinct memories of high arousal as a girl and then teenager. But I had no fucking clue what to DO with that arousal. You’re hungry? You eat food, you don’t feel hungry anymore, you feel happy and sated. You have to pee? So go, pee freely, “aaahhh” as it comes out and your stretched bladder feels more normal. But as a woman/girl who just knows that there’s all these feelings and sensations and they generate from perhaps the vulva-region but were not taught that masturbating relieves the built-up sexual tension from arousal and you feel sated like you just ate a chicken after not eating for 2 days.

For men it’s pretty easy. You get aroused and there’s no question about the origin of those sensations because it’s sticking straight out suddenly and so as a kid you touch it and….hey…..please may I have some more? And then oh! There ya go! Isn’t that better? That was pretty easy.

WE AREN’T LIKE THAT.

 

  1. That bit came later, courtesy of Mr. Pure Wand and the accompanying vibrator of choice
  2. Please take note of the “for me” in this answer and note that I did not say “for everyone” or “for you”.