Posted by Lilly | 9 Comments
National Coming Out Day
Today (tomorrow as I write this in the throes of more sleeplessness on Sunday, actually) is National Coming Out Day. A day where some really brave and true individuals all over the country are telling coworkers or friends or classmates or family that the sexual orientation and/or gender that they present physically is, in fact, not the truth as they know it. Not an easy thing to do all the time.
National Coming Out Day is an internationally observed civil awareness day for coming out and discussion about gay, lesbian, bisexual, asexual and transgender (LGBT) issues. It is observed by members of the LGBT communities and their supporters (often referred to as “allies“) on October 11 every year[1], or October 12 in the United Kingdom[2].
Coming out of the closet, or coming out, is a figure of speech for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) people’s disclosure of their sexual orientation and/or gender identity.
When I thought about this day over the weekend, I knew that I still feel I’m in a position that I can’t “come out” to friends and family. In order to honor what National Coming Out Day is actually FOR, the only thing I could “come out” about is that I am bisexual. Telling people about my blog doesn’t count; trying to claim that my full-face photo in the Calendar counts would just be taking advantage of timing. Trying to claim that the fact that I am showing (albeit selectively) that photo on Twitter this weekend would be taking that term and turning it for my needs.
And so my truth is…..I’m doing nothing today. Nothing except supporting anybody else who might be taking it to heart and coming out to someone in their lives. The people in my life who do not know my sexual orientation are going to be kept in the dark. If they are friends, they are not “good friends” and they are also coworkers. By not “good friends” I mean that I don’t hang out with them much and I don’t divulge secrets. The remaining group of people is my family. My mom, my cousins varied and sundry. My mom seems to be just fine with the fact that her cousin, someone she’s close to, is gay and I don’t think she’d have a problem with that in an of itself. What she WOULD have a problem with is that my sexuality involves 2 genders, and I’m married to one of them. My mother would not understand or support anything but a monogamous relationship. Neither would my cousins. They are all very religious, very “Christian” and while I don’t think they would disown me….I just don’t think it is any of their business, really.
Is that allowed anymore? To say it’s not their business and I don’t want them to know?
I certainly don’t want to tell them about my blog – it contains too much private sexual information mixed in with the sex-positive educational stuff. In some ways I wish I could tell them. I’m proud of some of the things I’ve done, not just on this blog but for the community. This could lead me to doing things with other websites that are not sex-based; doing things as a full time job. How would I explain my knowledge, my experience to them? Ah well.
Anyways. Today isn’t about me as a blogger coming out. It’s not about my photo in the calendar and how it’s nothing you’ll ever see on this site, how I’ll never be able to show my face on this site. I could be wrong, but I feel like making this day about anything OTHER than sexuality and gender is trying to just twist something into suiting your needs. I feel like it’s an insult to all people, LGBTQ, that have indeed come out.
Disagree with me? Tell me why.
The following are some of the posts I’ve found today that ARE in line with what today is actually for.
NCOD: My Story
But….I thought… – On National Coming Out Day
(I’ll link to more as I find them)
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Posted by Lilly | 5 Comments
Ask Lilly: How to Buy Sex Toys Online
Recently I had someone come to me via my Yahoo Pingbox and ask how a certain sex toy retailer shipped their toys to me; if it was safe, would her roommates know what was in the box, etc. Purchasing sex toys is still a VERY private matter to most people. Been there, done that, I’m not the sort who would have wanted my mother to know what was in that box when I lived with her.
I purchased my first “porn”-cheesy Playboy couples vid-the summer before college, with my then-bf. I kept it, and it was in a box of stuff when I was moving into my freshman dorm. My mother was trying to help me unpack my boxes….when they came upon my video. I was SO embarrassed. I said “Its not mine!! The box was open, somebody must have walked past and put it in there!” since the boxes were out in the hallway. I then got pissed off at her snooping and banned them from helping me, sending them outside to sit at the picnic tables and to probably discuss what a worrisome harlot their daughter was becoming, or something. I was mortified.
If you’ve been reading my blog long enough, by now you know the places I recommend you shop from. But in the end, it goes beyond just buying from reviewers’ affiliate links. There’s a LOT of sex toy buyers out there who just…have no clue. I know I surely didn’t the first time or two I bought sex toys. Back when I was first buying toys, blogger (real, honest people) reviews were not around. I had nobody to look to for recommendations, no feedback on good companies to deal with, etc.
I also want to say this: No company is 100% perfect. In retail (or hell, anywhere) You cannot please 100% of the people 100% of the time.
Today I was looking into purchasing a vibrator for myself rather than requesting to review it; I just wanted to see what the cost was, if anybody had it on sale, if it would be worth it to me to purchase it on my own. I found the toy I was looking for, $30 cheaper than the sites I trust…..at Amazon. But dig deeper and you’ll see that it’s not “Amazon”. It’s another company (an unknown perhaps) selling via Amazon.
About maybe 8 or 10 years ago or so, Amazon was THE SHIT. I loved them. Their turnaround time on shipping was fast, they had awesome prices, they carried so much stuff and you could sit there naked and do all your shopping. I had a couple Christmas seasons where every gift for everyone in my family was purchased on Amazon or Ebay. But then, their Free Shipping started to go south. It would take weeks to leave the warehouse. Then in more recent years they started letting in sellers. Now you have to treat these like you would Ebay – if the seller is not Amazon or a major retail box, you need to do your homework and read the sellers profile and ratings from customers.
Doing this made me realize why it’s not worth it to pay $30 less for a toy from some unknown retailer via Amazon. While many of his ratings were 4 or 5 out of 5, there were still consistent, but infrequent, bad ratings. Customers saying they never got the item, never heard from the seller. They paid for it, were charged for it, but never got it. Could this happen with any of the retailers I support? Sure it could. But the retailers I support are heavily intertwined with bloggers – bloggers who have readers, bloggers who twitter, bloggers who will not hesitate to to call out the retailer publicly on their mistake and get it corrected.
Moving on to another reason for purchasing from a reputable sex toy retailer – the packaging/shipping. All of the places I affiliate/review for send things out very discreetly: plain brown box (or usps priority mail packaging) and they have a vanilla-sounding primary company name that they use. SheVibe’s package came from “Order Fulfillment – SV Inc”. EdenFantasys comes from “Web Merchants Inc”. Fascinations comes from “Apple Distributing”. Yes….if a very determined and nosy person truly wanted to know, they could likely Google these names and find out where you actually purchased from.
I’ve purchased from retailers who don’t liaise with bloggers and received my sex toys in bubble envelopes…one time it was a toy that came in the crappy plastic clamshell type packaging. It was shoved into a bubble envelope that was barely big enough to hold it. Therefore, the envelope ripped at the seam partially, revealing my order contents. Long ago the husband and I ordered from Adam&Eve; sure the packaging might have been discreet but the mass-mailings of catalogs and dvd offers was NOT. Luckily this all went to our PO box at the time but when we go weeks without checking the box, we would find an obscene number of mailings from A&E. And they weren’t very discreet.
Tips for purchasing sex toys safely and discreetly:
- Search for product reviews from bloggers to make sure the toy is being represented accurately. I don’t feel that the on-site short-paragraph-blurbs that can be put up by just anybody should be viewed as honest reviews. I trust bloggers (most of them) to give me an accurate portrayal of the toy.
- Read more reviews from the blogger before trusting their opinion. Make sure that they don’t give every single toy a hugely glowing recommendation. It’s not often, but some will do that just to get sales (and more toys passed their way).
- Go to Twitter and do a search on the company name. See if anybody talks about them, good OR bad. Take what you find with a grain of salt, though. A scorned blogger is a vocal, dramatic blogger. We all do it.
- Liberator, for example, has said some really dumb things on their blog/Twitter (and you’ll see people calling them out on it). Do I think their company is bad? Not exactly – they just have bad PR/writers. BUT I also wouldn’t order directly from them, either. Their shipping boxes are not discrete. When I got the Black Label Ramp/Wedge, it stated clearly on the box who it was from and what was contained inside. But I love their products; I’d just recommend you purchase them elsewhere if you’re able.
- You’ll find a lot of bloggers talking shit about EdenFantasys – I think there’s a lot of things the company owner has done w regards to SEO/PR that are shitty/stupid; BUT I trust the reviews given by bloggers affiliated with them, they offer good sales, they ship things well and have good prices.
- I realize that a $100+ toy requires pause for a number of shoppers; the chance at getting that toy for 30% less is tempting. But this is one of those times when you get what you pay for…..and you might get burned by going with a place such as Random Seller XYZ on Amazon just because they’re a lot cheaper.
- Research the site’s return policy. While you can’t return a toy that’s been used, you should make sure that it is in good working order and is what you expected/ordered. Reputable sites will let you return most unused products. Reputable *manufacturers* give a limited warranty on their toys to guard against defects.
- Don’t purchase a toy if the company will not say who the manufacturer is, or what the materials are. I’ve seen a lot of companies that, for some reason, sell toys from reputable manufacturers but change the manufacturer’s toy name. I’ve seen sites that won’t list the manufacturer’s name. Why they would do this is beyond me. The only thing I can think of is that they’re trying to make sure the more naive un-toy-educated customers can’t find that toy for a lower price somewhere else. ALSO it could be a knock-off and you won’t know it until you get it in your hands. I have seen a large number of knock-off Njoy toys. A few weeks ago I was even emailed by one of the assholes who had the gall to try and get me to promote his shit, who was trying to sell Njoy knockoffs made in some poor middle eastern country AND they were using barely-photoshopped copies of Njoy’s own photos (copyright infringement).
- Ask a sex toy reviewer/blogger. Don’t be afraid, we don’t bite! Not most, anyways. Most reviewers/bloggers love to get reader questions, we LOVE helping people because we were once in your shoes.
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Posted by Lilly | 2 Comments
Jaded
You’ve got your mama’s style but you’re yesterday’s child to me
So Jaded
You think that’s where it’s at but is that where it’s supposed to be?
You’re gettin’ it all over meJaded – Aerosmith
I love sex toys.
I hate sex toys.
I wish I could design sex toys…..but then I’d only design them to my likes and dislikes and that’s no good either.
I detest cheap-shit crappy toys like CalExotics. But yet I’m getting jaded on all the so-called luxury vibes. Mostly because many of the luxury vibes I’ve tried/owned are of the surface-buzzy variety and my body just does not like that. While I can recognize that Lelo makes some great toys, and when I first reviewed them they were especially innovative and luxurious….but they all just needed a little more oomph. And little more…soul. I’ve not owned anyt JimmyJane toys but I fondled a bunch when I was at Babeland.
meh.
In fact, “meh” was my reaction to a lot of the vibes I’d long lusted over when I finally picked them up while at the store. The Je Joue Sasi and G-ki? Innovative as hell, and probably really awesome toys for other people. I could recognize that the G-ki was great and would serve a lot of people very well. Just not me. I have a luxury vibe awaiting review that’s been very talked about and ….meh. It’s not as perfect as the manufacturer would like to tell you in broken English.
Even your average dildo doesn’t do much for me. It either needs to be identical to the Pure Wand (and then what’s the point, it would just be owning a second Pure Wand, lol) or fairly darn girthy. Anything else just does not do it for me.
I sometimes feel like I should stop reviewing. I just keep getting disappointed, over and over. In my head I know that a lot of these better-made sex toys are in fact very nice toys. I read a lot of reviews from my peers and they love them. I really want to review a Vida Vanta, and I’ll admit…it’s partially cause of their presentation, their packaging, the extras. It all looks SO promising. I really want to try a JimmyJane Form 3….but then I look at it and realize that the motor is not in the part that touches your body, and it likely won’t get me off. I was really excited by the Zini line of toys….but again it’s another manufacturer, I think, who embraces the not-very-intense buzzy motor. The descriptions on their other toys seem to match the one I have. I really want to try out the newer generation of Lelo toys….the Mona, Siri….I’m told they changed the motors and they’re more intense, less buzzy than the ones I’ve tried. But I still feel like I’ll be disappointed.
Read More
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Posted by Lilly | 25 Comments
Yes, Jelly Sex Toys can be Dangerous
Given the name of my site, a recurring theme in search words that led people to my blog are variants on “Is XYZ dangerous”. Cock sucking, sex toys, vibrators, etc.
Usually, if asked, my answer would be “no”. Unless of course the sex toy is made from jelly rubber. I have been accused numerous times by other reviewers of being a snob, because I won’t review a jelly rubber sex toy. I won’t recommend them, I won’t promote them directly. They are not dangerous (as in will not cause a skin reaction) to everyone, and you can use them intelligently (i.e. condom-covered). But the risks ARE there, and you never know when you might have an allergic reaction to a jelly sex toy.
I realize how prevalent the bad toys are. I know that they are the most affordable and make up something like 80% of the sex toy industry. But that doesn’t mean you should buy them. There’s a lot of reasons why I think a lot of sex toys are utter crap – they’re either made so cheap that they won’t last past a couple uses or their material is one that shouldn’t ever be put inside the body. They still thrive on the market though because a lot of people just don’t have a clue. Many sex toy retailers, both brick and online, do not warn customers about the dangers of phthalates or possibly-unsafe non-porous materials like jelly, silagel, PVC, cyberskin/realskin/UR3.
I’ve told you before about phthalates – what they are, why they’re bad, and how to buy a sex toy that does not contain them. Let’s forget that fact that the amount of phthalates varies per sex toy manufacturer, even per toy, and is not regulated. Your toy could have a small number or a number high enough to kill a rat. You’ll have no clue.
But phthalates are not your only reason to stay away from the inferior materials.
Jelly rubber toys can leak/”outgas” phthalates and other questionable chemicals. Straight from the chemistry lab a jelly rubber toy has a bad smell. It’s really offensive to me personally, and the smell varies from toy to toy. Some companies try to cover up this bad smell by adding even more chemicals with scents. Oily-feeling fake taste/smell chemicals. Yum.
When you buy a sex toy made of unsafe materials, there’s more than just phthalates to be concerned about. Sure, they’re the worst. But it doesn’t mean they’re the only thing in it that can cause a reaction. The delicate tissue of the vulva/vagina/anus/rectum/penis is even more susceptible to having a reaction. These chemicals were found in the jelly sex toys, according to this article: (hover the links for a quick-n-dirty summary)
Toluene
Cyclohexanone
Tetrahydrofuran
Diethylhexyl Phthalates
1-Methyl-2-Pyrrolidinone
Phenol
Dimethylformamide
Dimethyl phosphite
I asked on Twitter to see if anybody who follows me ever had a bad reaction to a jelly toy, and the responses scare me. I know that these reactions are not common, but they can happen. They can even happen to you when you use a new toy and you’ve been using jelly toys for years with no reaction. (I haven’t linked these to the people who said it, just in case they wouldn’t want it made “public” for any reason, but will change it if the person doesn’t mind)
“Years ago I was a manager for a sex shop and my hands peeled constantly from handling jelly toys 60 hrs a week. I actually never had it from a toy, but from masturbating with my hands after coming home from work on a shipment day.”
“I’ve had bad reactions to toys. Pussy swells up and agony for days.”
“I had a reaction akin to an extremely mild chemical burn. Itching and burning that lasted days and a very fun doctors trip (Yes I know what caused it, Yes Im sure I dont need an STI Test YES IM REALLY REALLY REALLY SURE!!!!)”
ETA: See Polly’s story below in comments: “…..I went to the doctor and he couldn’t figure out what it was. He took a bunch of tests, but his best guess was CHEMICAL POISONING OF MY VAGINA!!! I had to take antibiotics orally and vaginally and I STILL suffered for weeks….” (read all of it in her comment.)
“But I don’t use my dildo/vibrator for very long time periods, it won’t affect me!” Ok then what about “wearable” sex toys? Bullet vibes, remote-control vibes, butt-plugs?? These types of toys are intended to be worn for hours at a time. I would especially suggest that any butt plugs / anal toys that you purchase be made from a non-porous material because of the higher risk of bacteria from fecal matter sticking around on a jelly toy. Even if you follow the rules of keeping anal toys as anal-only, and not sharing, you could be re-introducing a harmful bacteria to your body.
Jelly toys can: Pick up dyes/colors from other materials (like storage bags, leather harnesses); pick up colors from other jelly toys they touch; leach out an oily residue that stains fabrics; melt into a puddle of goo if two really bad toys touch for awhile in storage; stink up anything else that holds onto odors, in its vicinity.
Even if a jelly rubber toy says “phthalate-free”, it still can contain toxic chemicals that can cause skin reactions in some people. These toys are still non-porous and can harbor dirt and bacteria because they cannot be sanitized.
So what can you do?
1. Buy your toys from reputable manufacturers
2. Buy your toys from reputable sex toy retailers that list the toy material on their site
3. If you absolutely must use a jelly toy, then use a condom on it every time
Reputable manufacturers of non-jelly toys include:
Tantus | Vamp | Lelo | Vixen Creations | Fun Factory | Je Joue | Nexus | Tenga | JimmyJane | Vixen Creations | Whipspider Rubberworks | BSwish | Jollies LLC | Njoy | Nobessence
There are some manufacturers that make both jelly and silicone, but I haven’t listed them because I don’t really support these manufacturers overall due to the high quantity of shoddy toys in their line: California Exotics / CalExotics (this includes lines such as Berman Center and Dr Joel Kaplan, as all they are is just more CE crap marketed under a “famous person” name); Doc Johnson; Pipedream; Topco.
One way to tell if the company manufacturing the sex toy you are considering purchasing is reputable, if you can trust the materials? Look for the tag “Novelty use only”. I’m not saying this for the reason you’re assuming. A lot of people believe that the umbrella term “For Novelty Use Only” is to dodge lawsuits, regulations, etc -but it’s not. It’s because the toy comes from China, where sex toys for genitalia use are illegal. And if it’s coming from China, chances are pretty good that it’s not a trustworthy, body-safe material. This is not 100% true 100% of the time; I’d venture that nearly all untrustworthy jelly toys fall into this tagging, however not every toy with this tag will be untrustworthy. This is not a be-all-end-all tell mark, it’s just one of a few. Combine this with product reviews and referencing the “reputable manufacturer’s” list above and together they’ll create a pretty good litmus test.
I’ll close with this summary that really sums it up well:
Stay clear of jellys, nonoxynol-9, and “lotions and potions”. Using Jelly products for oral, vaginal, or anal stimulation is going to introduce Phthalate and other toxic solvent absorption into the mucous membranes of the body. These chemicals provoke eye, respiratory, skin, and mucous membrane irritation. Headaches, cramps, and nausea are some of the side effects that result from exposure at the levels found in the study. Even if you don’t give a crap about consequences, the Jelly’s are just plain gross. Regardless of whether you sheath the thing in condoms every time you take it out of its box, it’s still going to degrade and fragment, off-gas so that it leaves an oily stain behind, fuse to its packaging and stink like an old car tire. Is any part of that sexy?
References (and other good links on the subject)
- Ever thought about the toxins in your sex toys?
- Bad Vibrations: A look at sex toys
- Unsafe sex products and toys
- Not all butt plugs should glow in the dark
- Video: Toxins in your sex toys (good info on what phthalates can potentially do to your body)
- The ethics of sex toys
PLEASE feel free to comment here – ask questions, tell us about any reactions you’ve had (you can remain anon if you want, bloggers), give more links. And please share this info with others. If you absolutely must review sex toys that are made of these questionable materials, please warn your readers about the possible dangers/reactions. Feel free to share what I’ve written and link to it.
If you are shopping for sex toys and want buying advice for safe sex toys, please don’t hesitate to contact me. The icons/links over there in the sidebar give you multiple methods: email, Yahoo IM, Formspring, or just comment.
Disclaimer: I don’t want to imply at all that every jelly toy will gas out harmful chemicals, that they all will harm you. You could use jelly toys for a long time and suffer no ill effects. But the risk is still there. If you do not have a skin reaction there are still other slow-developing reactions that could, possibly, be happening because of the chemicals. Or you could be fine. My point is….. there are never any guarantees either way. There are many “cons” to jelly toys, and very few “pros”. When you have better options to choose from, options that are safer and will last you a lot longer…..why choose jelly?
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Posted by Lilly | 8 Comments
Something for Nothing
Not too long ago I had to deal with a somewhat-new e[lust] participant who seemed to be “innocently” doing his best to just barely follow the posted rules of e[lust]. When I first created the list of participation rules, I didn’t go into exact detail about what constitutes a proper re-posting of the digest and what does not. I, naively, thought that it was obvious and that people wouldn’t be assholes about it.
I was wrong.
This past weekend I had to email participants of the digests the afore-mentioned person was included in and let them know that they can/should remove his links. Why? Because he decided that he didn’t give a shit about everybody else; he didn’t like the way e[lust] posts made his blog look (give me a minute to stop laughing at that) and when I told him that he had to follow the rules and re-publish the editions in a certain way (the way everybody else does) he quietly appeared to agree. He posted it correctly.
Until, he didn’t. It occured to me to check up on him after a couple of weeks. I guess I wasn’t all that surprised to find that he had pulled the most recent edition (#19). I was surprised to see he went back and pulled the other edition (#16).
e[lust] is my baby. It’s my big project. To diss it is to diss me. To have no respect for it is to have no respect for me AND for all your peers who participate. Think about it. Everybody else follows the rules and re-posts it….what makes you a special snowflake? It irks me when people don’t re-post it and I have to harass them. But it infuriates me when someone does this – purposely thumbs their nose at the rules, at me, and at everybody else in the blogging community by pulling the posts from their site.
This means that their links are being published on 50-some other sites, and they are not reciprocating. 50-some other blogs of varying Pagerank and popularity are giving this guy “Google juice” and he does not deserve it. Sure, one of the editions I removed him from is a few months old. The chances of someone clicking on his link from a post on your blog from 3 months ago? Not going to happen much. But the links are there and are helping him out.
He doesn’t deserve our help.
I’m pretty fuckin offended and I think you should be, too.
People who think they are better than everyone else…..people who join in community projects and think they’re above doing their equal part and giving back….I have no respect for them. Selfish hypocrisy gets to me. There’s a few bloggers now that I used to like/respect and now I cannot tolerate. Common decency and a little respect for your peers is such a small thing to do, it baffles me that some can’t be bothered.
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