Sep 182010

Ok so I have a little bit of a confession to make: I have a secret Fetlife profile. Not “secret” as in I’m posing as someone else or whatnot, well, not exactly….it’s just a blank profile. Seriously. Blank:

Why do I have it? To see the profiles and photos that my friends want to show me. I had lost all interest in using Fetlife as another social network; I’d lost interest in anything BDSM related for a long time for reasons long-time readers will know about; and with Fetlife there is no location-discretion unless you outright lie. So, I deleted the Lilly profile ages ago. But in order to see other people’s profiles and photos, you must have a Fetlife account so I created a dummy version. It’s as empty as empty can be, almost. My profile tells people only three things:

  • My age
  • My city
  • My sexual orientation and kink orientation

Pretty broad strokes, if you ask me. Anybody who would be idiotic, desperate, stupid enough to pursue someone with a blank profile is askin for it.

For what, you ask?

For a Dickhead Files rant.

To say that I didn’t even have to try for today’s content is an understatement. My profile was never, ever meant to speak to people or try to garner meetings/dates. Before I get to the Really Big Asshat of the Day, we’ll gloss over the Asshats that came before him.

A 40-something submissive man in my area (note that my profile lists me as Switch, and does not say that I’m “looking for” anything):

love to be your sub…..if you want to chat sometime let me know

This one, a nearly-60 “dominant” at least acknowledges that my profile is bare:

You do not have much to say on your profile but I am interested. I have switched in the past. Look forward to talking with you.

HOW can you be interested?!? WHAT, pray tell, is there to be interested IN? Does this mean he would be equally interested in a cardboard cut-out? Perhaps a nice rubber doll?

This next guy just text-vomits all over the place:

Hi I know I maybe older than you were looking for but don’t let that fool you I am shaved and very wild. I have been with younger women many times and understand their desires and needs. My turn on is the woman not me. I love being naked and playing with you for hours. I do not dream fantasies I live them and my greatest pleasure is helping you live yours without any limits what so ever as we share and learn from each other. I like oral, showers, anal, dominate & submissive, master / slave, bondage, role-play, Exhibitionism/Voyeurism, open cams, Lactation, play rape (no pain), foreplay, masturbation together, public places, 3somes, group, erotic chat, phone sex, sense of touch, massages, mirrors, food, intimacy, romance, Misc. fetishes, and so much more.

*blinks* Did I ASK for this shit, dude??


This guy, his first message was bland. Short. Nothing personal in it, really. I paid it no mind the first time he sent it.

Yes, the first time. I think that perhaps he sends out so many that he forgets? Or he’d already sent one message to every woman in the tri-state area and was now on round 2 of “try try again”.

I am John, 42, white male, {redacted} area. I am looking for a relationship or play partner. Message me back if you can and call me at {redacted, tho I’m tempted to list it}.

This occurred at the tail end of a shitastic week. I mean, seriously seriously shitty. A week of stress and turmoil and occasional loneliness. If it weren’t for his randomly bad timing I may never have replied but I did.

Oh, did I.

Ok, seriously? I have no photos, no information of any sort – basically a totally blank profile. Are you that desperate that you are just blindly sending the same message over and over again to everybody in the tristate area? I’m not active here and yet you’ve sent me the same msg more than once. And you’re giving your number to random profiles?!? Dude….not smart. Not at all.

Honey, you can’t call yourself “hot” without the attitude and/or the looks to back it up and I can see is desperation. Not pretty.

His profile name, which I won’t give out the exact name, starts with “hot”. I looked, for the hell of it, and found about 100 guys on FL whose profile name is some version of hotguy(something), hotmale(something), hotboy/man(something), etc. I’m all for confidence but….this is just too much.

Sorry I didn’t realize you had an attitude. I belong to GQ magazine also.

Horrible text-speaking voice. He attempted a joke and it fell as flat as his personality.

LOL ….. GQ….. oh that’s a good one. Thanks for the morning laugh, I needed it. Also, just an FYI but given your wording and tone in messages I couldn’t have been more shocked to find out you fancy yourself dominant. I really pegged you for submissive.

And it’s true. Not much of anything (not that he’s got much there) says to me: Dominant.

And here, PA “intelligence” shines through:

Your so full of yourself you sound more like a transvesite. Your real name is Bob right. You really know nothing about me. The GQ magazine thing was a joke. That is how dumb you are that you took it seriously.

I have no words. Just laughter.

When I decide to check out his profile better (that’s it in the pic above)  I see some interesting things, and some suspicious things. He says nothing in his profile really, just that he’s straight, yet his recent (and only) status message says “I like dicks yum in my tum”. *shrugs* whatever dude. At the bottom of the profile is the “wall”. It’s meant for OTHER people to leave you a public comment on your page. He commented on his own. It’s so hysterically funny I might pass out.

He also wrote a short blogpost, because the FL group he started (for single submissive females in his area that are bereft and alone and need a Dom) wasn’t advertisement enough, the he’s looking for a sub.

You have to see this.

Other women that he’s probably randomly messaged are saying these wonderful gems:

  • “Uh yeah, you are gonna have to work a bit harder than that to attract the attention of a girl on this website, sub or not.”
  • “Sub doesn’t equal indiscriminate. Work on your game.”
  • “See, we like to at least read a bit about a guy, before we get interested. The question mark avatar is not original. You sent me a note, but maybe you failed to read my profile, which has a lot of information on it. Not sure that your being “into giving pubic hair” is sharing information, per se.”
  • “Well, we can tell he failed English composition from his lack of words. Writer’s block or nothing of substance to say? More likely to BE nothing of substance.”


Readers, your thoughts?

My guess? Aside from the obvious, which is that this guy has absolutely no clue how the D/s world works….. Either he’s not had a date in like, ever, and just wants to “dominate” a girl into getting laid or he’s a psycho stalker who will kill you in a gruesome manner should you ever meet him.

 Posted by at 8:10 pm
Sep 162010

Via Chagrin

There’s something about being on a boat the brings out the wanton exhibitionist in normally reserved people, I think. Is it the fact that you might only be witnessed from a distance? Does the wide-open expanse of water give them a false sense of privacy?

As for sailing just for the sake of it, I’ve never had much of an opinion one way or the other. But when combined with thoughts of letting loose my most exhibitionistic side? Yes, please! I wonder where the best places are to see and be seen? I would be on the lookout for other naked bodies as much as I would be vamping for the possible watcher many knots away.

Sep 132010

A lot of you have heard of, read about or even seen the TLC mini-series called “Strange Sex”. I’ve come across a number of articles about this show in the sex-blogger/sex-positive community, from small bloggers to major sites. From what I gather after reading these articles/posts…many people haven’t even really watched the show. Their biggest bitch is the title of “Strange Sex”. I read one entry on a blog whose focus is polyamory….they praised the episode about poly but wrote off every other portion they supposedly watched as “a freak show”. Not that TLC is going for that angle, but this blogger thinks they achieved it, they truly believe the rest of it is “strange/freakish”. Hypocritical, much?

I’ll admit, combining that title with the intro….blood-red background, black/white flashing letters and this very ominous-sounding almost Twilight-zone music….it feels like TLC is preparing us for some circus freak sideshow. They’re creating drama and using that to drag in viewers. The half-hour shows always feature two different people and issues with the more “strange” of the two being shown first of course.

But the thing is, is that there’s a lot of people being shown on this series that I would never put in a box labeled “strange sex”. Hell a good number of the features are about a sexual-related disorder. Just because these people have a medical disorder, that makes them “strange”? That makes their sex “strange”?? No. It feels like TLC is trying to rip off the long-standing HBO series called “Real Sex”. While HBO featured a LOT of non-normative sex practices, they never tried the circus-side-show PR tactic like TLC.

Here’s the thing: Anybody who reads sex blogs, sex columns, is part of the sex-positive community…is going to be offended by the title of this show. Why? Because we’re more sexually open. More accepting of kinks, fetishes, various genders, etc. But guess what – we’re not the majority here, folks. For every one of “us” there are 9 other people who are very conservative and straight-laced. I’m reluctant to use the term “Vanilla” because not all people who eschew anything BDSM-related are inherently closed-minded, conservative, unaccepting judgmental bible-thumpers. These 9 other people are going to be offended or squicked or point-and-laugh-at-the-freaks such as balloon fetishists, the polyamorous, sex addicts, or people who can think themselves to orgasm.

So yeah, while I personally find the title offensive, and their content to be really misleading…..I know that their target audience gets out of it exactly what TLC is aiming for. It doesn’t mean I like the show, though.

Warning: Show spoilers ahead

Ep 1: This episode focuses on both “Cougars” and “Cubs”. They feature Hattie first because I suppose that she would garner the most appalled gasps. Why? She’s 73. Dressing like she’s 23, chasing after guys in their 20’s and 30’s. And she gets em, too! The second half interviews the Cubs, the men who pursue only older women. It’s less controversial.

Ep 2: The majority focuses on Barbara Carrellas who, in the 80’s, developed a way to orgasm using what seems to be a sort of meditation. Focusing on energy and breathing and such she can, and can teach others to, have an intense full-body (as opposed to genital-centric) orgasm. I will admit that during the segment where we watch a teaching session, some of the class participants seem to be acting it up for the cameras. Swear to god it looks like one guy is possessed, straight out of Poltergeist or something. But hey people experience orgasm in different ways. The second part talks about a couple dealing with a husband’s sexual dysfunction and how he overcomes it with a therapist. It’s a condition called “Sexual Anorexia“.  This second couple are not freaks, this is not “strange sex”! This is a look at a sexual dysfunction, nothing more. I think it’s great to showcase the less common sexual dysfunctions but to showcase it under a television show title “Strange Sex”? Misfire.

Ep 3: The “strange” portion is about polyamory. Specifically it focuses on Jaiya, a sexologist, educator and more who is affiliated with Liberator and EdenFantasys to name a few. Of course the show doesn’t talk about any of THAT. The story is about how her polyamorous relationship developed – she has two male partners and a baby with the second partner. They all share a house. The second male partner also has another female partner who doesn’t live with them. Is polyamory really that strange to the general population? I know it is to christian or other religious sects that view marriage as sacred and between one man and one woman. The second part of the show talks about a woman who, through natural childbirth, experienced an orgasm as her baby was delivered and they interview her about that and about how she would like to have another “orgasmic birth”. How is this strange sex? It’s not even about sex!

Ep 4: The main portion of this episode focuses on a former rock n roll band member turned comedian who battled sex addiction. Honestly, big whoop. I’d wager that half the male members of music bands in the 70’s and 80’s could be labeled a “sex addict”. The “dysfunction” portion leads us to believe, in the teaser bits, that it is about a woman who ejaculates/”gushes” during sex and how her redneck husband hates it. No. It’s actually about a condition called XXX and she truly does urinate during intercourse. What also bothered me about this segment was this one they actually had the couple give their full name, the city and state they live in, and at the end showed their children’s faces. Fail. So much fail.

Ep 5:  This episode gets into fetish territory that is perceived by many as “strange”……a balloon fetishist. Like many fetishists, the guy sexualizes an object – specifically, balloons. Blowing them up, popping them, etc. Hey, it’s not my thing. I couldn’t participate in it. But it makes him happy……so can I really judge? The “dysfunction” portion interviews a guy who, sadly, doesn’t feel his orgasms. The sex in and of itself, that he feels. But the moment of orgasm? Nada. Zilch. This poor guy, and his wife, are trying in vain to find a solution, a cure.  Apparently it’s called Anhedonia/PDOD, and although rare, it’s being worked on.

Ep 6: I have to be honest….watching these episodes is getting to be painful. Not so much because of the content but because of the production. The interviews are interspersed with staged walks in a park or walks on a beach or whatnot, it depends on where the person lives. This episode is some very staged and fake-looking public kissing between the couple. Anyways. The first portion is about female ejaculation. In the intro they show the woman saying “I thought I peed on him!” and they go on to clinically but non-judgmentally talk about female ejaculation, how it’s not at all like urine and many more facts. They talk about the differences between clitoral and g-spot orgasms, and stress how normal female ejaculation is and how it needs to be accepted and rejoiced about by all involved. It’s nice, in that I’m sure a lot of people will learn from this but the show itself is hard to watch. Although the conclusion to their section is a little humorous I think it is just to play up the “strange” part: “Chris and Jeff are still going strong. They have just bought some rubber sheets.” The “dysfunction” portion is about an adorable, young military couple. The woman, now a stay at home mom, has always had excruciation pain during sex. And yes, it comes out that she was sexually abused as a kid but she didn’t want to discuss it on camera. She talks about how bad the pain of sex was, and how it got 10 times worse after child birth. God you just feel so bad for this woman, to have had to endure this pain – and not just the physical pain but the mental, the emotional, the strain on her marriage, the worrying on her part if he’ll have an affair….it’s heartbreaking. But she finds a doctor who says the condition is Vulvodynia. Sadly, they don’t really know the cause and so there’s no cure.

Readers, what do you think? Is this stuff strange? If you asked your non-sex-blogger friends about these topics, do you think they would agree that it’s mostly strange and freakish stuff?

e[lust] #19

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Sep 122010

Welcome to e[lust] – Your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #20? Start with the rules, check out the schedule and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~

The Rules – She squirmed in her chair as if impaled there by my finger slowly pushing in and out. “But I can tell you that on our third date, I want something a lot bigger than your finger in me.”

Consensual Nonconsent – He told me he was going to do whatever he wanted to me, and he wanted me to not give consent. He wanted to take it from me. He wanted me to say no, and the less l liked something the harder it would make him.

Love and light – So I move on, not as a submissive, but as the smart mature strong woman that I know that I am.  I will credit him with changing me.  Changing the way I see myself.

~ e[lust] Editress ~

Confessional: Annual Reminder – In the dark, in the car, in the parking lot of a somewhat posh store, he got a fantastic blowjob as uptight conservatives drove past us.

~ Featured Post (Lilly’s Pick) ~

What’s Been Eating Emmy – A yearly test is good for most, but if you find you are playing with a larger than usual number of people, go get retested.  Put yourself and your future partners mind at ease.

See also: Pleasurists #92 and #93 for all your sex toy review needs.

Continue reading »

 Posted by at 5:44 pm

Pleasurists #94

 Pleasurists  Comments Off on Pleasurists #94
Sep 122010

Welcome to Pleasurists, a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days. For updates and information follow our RSS Feed and Twitter.

Did you miss Pleasurists #93? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists #95? Be sure to read our submission guidelines and then use our submission form and submit it before Sunday September 12th at 11:59pm PDT.

Want to win some swag? All you’ve got to do is enter.

Looking for sexy posts other than reviews?
e[lust] #19

Scarlet Lotus St. Syr

Editor’s Pick

  • Cobra Libre by Dr. Ruthie
  • While I’ve seen a lot of great men’s masturbation toys, it’s become clear that, largely, they fall into two categories: full-penis-length stroking sleeves meant to enhance the usual jacking-off motions, or anal toys meant for prostate stimulation. That’s why the arrival of the Cobra Libre, Fun Factory’s new vibrating men’s toy meant for relaxing, luxuriating stimulation to the glans (the penis head) was extra exciting for me.

On to the reviews…

Continue reading »

 Posted by at 5:43 pm
Sep 102010

“Oh, he made my blood just burn
I flipped so far, I thought that I would not return”
~”Get him back”, Fiona Apple


I sat here yesterday typing out the beginning half to an erotica story but I just haven’t been able to finish it. I have a post about the TLC series “Strange Sex” nearly done, but haven’t finished it. This rant? Feels soooo good and is just flying off my fingertips. In fact the keyboard would yell “ow!” if it could. It might just have there a second or two ago. Sorry, keyboard.


In order to get back into the erotica groove, I joined recently. I went back to some of my earlier work here on the blog to post over there. I chose the Taxi Cab Confessional posts, and at first tried to submit them in two parts. Part 1 was soundly Rejected with a litany of sins, mainly it lacked content and was “far too short”. Ok, fine. So I put the two parts together, separated the one occurrence of two words lacking a space between, corrected my lack of conversation “”” and re-submitted. A day later it was accepted. It garnered some pretty nice, high praise from the members/other writers there.

Now, before I go any further….I must say this about Lushstories. Not quite a year ago I’d seen the site because someone had tried to submit their story from there to e[lust] and I wouldn’t allow it. I glanced around the banner-ad-laden site and saw stories that made me long for Literotica. Bad, bad erotica. Trite plots, bad euphemisms and a metric fuckton of incest stories. Not my thing, sorry. Not only was a lot of the erotica not my taste but it was painfully long. Perhaps others enjoy painfully long erotica, I don’t have the attention span for it.

Today I tried to submit a piece that was always one of my favorites, “Fucking for Art“. If you’ve not read it, or are no longer familiar with that piece, I encourage you to give it a quick glance to further understand the moderator’s responses to me.

This personal note was sent to me with the standard “Your story has been rejected” email:

I am both a photographer and a model. This is impossible: “I made them hold poses for 5-10 minutes, sometimes difficult poses, until I got the angle of light and the angle of the shot “just so”. Try holding still for thirty seconds, never mind a minute, never mind up to ten, and especially for difficult poses. A real photographer does not demand that the models wait until she gets the framing and light right, at the cost of the models holding a pose. This is also rather short in length. In addition, use a comma before reported speech, not this – : Also use a comma before the final quotation marks, as in this: “Carrrrieeee” I taunted. Thank you.

Wow. Me:

Seriously, my story is being removed for plausibility?? I’ve had this posted in two sites and no one has ever cared about such a detail.

I’m sorry but given some other stories I’ve read on here that present situations both unlikely and impossible, I’m confused as to why mine got singled out. Also, with regards to length, there is no posted word minimum but yet I seem to keep submitting things that are too short?

I can appreciate the story moderation but it feels like the reasons for mine getting rejected do not apply to every story submitted, as I have most certainly seen stories short or with a misplaced comma or misspelled word.

My story was about 8000 characters, theirs doesn’t do word count. As Rayne pointed out to me: What about models who sit for painting and drawing classes? They hold poses for 5-10 minutes! And in fact that angle was my inspiration for the story. My inspiration story was similar, but the artist in question was photographing for his paintings he’d do later.

Her rude response made me fume:

You had the good luck or misfortune to come across a photographer. Go ahead and stay still for an entire minute, never mind five or ten, and get back to me on it. If you put the detail in and it isn’t believeable {Note: I’m copy/pasting, that misspelling there is hers, ironic no?}, then one day someone is going to get back to you on it. In this case, it was me. Good writing depends on the details holding together.

I also verified a story of yours the other day and extensively corrected it, which I do not have to do. You are welcome, by the way.

Yes, your stories are short and lack structure, but they have been verified anyway, with effort on your part and good will on ours.

I pointed out Rayne’s comment to her in a single-sentence reply of “what about models for painters/drawing classes?” but ironically she never responded.

What a self-righteous cuntwad. Fuck off, to the whole site. Seriously. I’ve pulled my profile and my stories. Crap like “love poems” of which I wrote better emo-crap in highschool than that; erotica that makes the Fabio-covered-burning-loins seem tolerable….and I get yanked because this cunt says my plot basis is unrealistic???? Geezus they even have a fuckin “Supernatural” category! I was reallllly tempted there to link to the drivel I was referring to but I just couldn’t do it to the authors. I’ll take out my anger against the Moderator-Bitch-From-Hell but not innocent writers, no matter how much I want to say “look at this crap!”


Moving on.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*deep breath*

Today on Twitter I ran across this tweet:

I (as Toyswap) replied:

@Epiphora and @FemeDeliciosa jumped in as well, and to us (the sex toy reviewers on TSN in general) the term sanitize/sterilize means the same thing. No, I do NOT mean that they’re 110% professional-grade germ-free but they ARE the very definition of sanitized. This derision and PR idiocy is coming from a company that makes such winning products (can you hear my sarcasm?) as Clone-A-Willy (ew, rubber); a “Tongue Vibe” which is basically a tiny cheap bullet you strap on to your tongue; Clone-A-Pussy (also, ew, rubber) and dodgy “libido stimulators and supplements” that you ingest. Go ahead and call me a sex toy snob right now if you want but if I ever owned my own sex toy store, products like these would never be sold.

Both Epiphora and I attempted to tell the person behind the account what ToySwap actually IS.

I said: “you do realize that TSN is a private network of educated sex toy review bloggers who trade safe items amongst ourselves?”

E said: “We all have a LOT of toys that we never use. It’s nice to be able to give them a good home. Plz quit the butthurt responses.”

Their responses:

No…come on. They’re playin with me. Surely they’re not THAT thick-headed????

Yes. they are.

I replied: “oh, really? You can provide a Lelo toy? A whipspider toy? A tantus silicone dildo? For free?”

SHOCKINGLY, I received no reply to that one.