Aug 9, 2010

Ask Lilly: Talking to a skeptical partner about outside sex

I received a Formspring question that really made me think. I’m going to do my best to give my opinions, my advice, and then open the floor to my readers for their input.

Lilly, how do I go about telling my husband that I would like a lesbian experience? He already has issues trusting me. How can I explain to him that I just find women sexy but don’t want an actual relationship with one?

My initial response: Oy vey.

She really could have inserted anything at all after “telling my husband that….” because the biggest issue here is TRUST. Now, I don’t know why he has issuing trusting her. He could be jealous, insecure; she could have cheated in the past. The why isn’t important. It’s that the lack of trust even exists.

To the asker:

The first issue to be addressed here is just the need to talk to the husband. Get to the root of the trust issues. If you can’t, if he can’t trust you…..then you have way bigger problems in the marriage than I am qualified to advise on. Make an appointment to see a marriage counselor.

If his trust issues have no basis, if he is merely insecure about outside sex, my gut response is to direct you to Tristan Taormino’s famous book: Opening Up. It isn’t just for polyamorous relationships, it’s for all levels of opening up, even just “monogamy with benefits”. Both of you need to read this book.

Talk. Talk and talk and more talks. Tell him why you want these experiences. The base line for all of this talk is honesty. Lie about nothing, omit nothing. And if the two of you talking alone is not helping I need to refer back to a counselor. Specifically, a relationship counselor that is knowledgeable and open-minded about open relationships of all types. Tristan has a list on the site, The Open List, where licensed professionals submitted their contact info.

Readers: Have you been in this, or similar, situations? Do you just have some (helpful, non-combative) advice? Speak up in comments!

All text and images on this site require permission before they can be used anywhere. To obtain permission, email dangerouslilly @ gmail.com

Aug 8, 2010

Posted by Lilly | 5 Comments

Lilly is Reading: Fast Girls

Fast Girls: erotica for women; edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel

Main Entry: ¹fast

Pronunciation: \ˈfast\

Function: adjective

Etymology: Middle English, from Old English fæst; akin to Old High German festi firm, Old Norse fastr, Armenian hast

Date: before 12th century

1 a : firmly fixed <roots fast in the ground> b : tightly shut <the drawers were fast> c : adhering firmly d : not easily freed : stuck <a ball fast in the mouth of the cannon> e : stable <movable items were made fast to the deck>
2 : firmly loyal <became fast friends>
3 a : characterized by quick motion, operation, or effect: (1) : moving or able to move rapidly : swift (2) : taking a comparatively short time (3) : imparting quickness of motion <a fast bowler> (4) : accomplished quickly (5) : agile of mind; especially : quick to learn <a class for fast students> b : conducive to rapidity of play or action c (1) of a timepiece or weighing device : indicating in advance of what is correct (2) :d : contributing to a shortening of exposure time <fast film> e : acquired with unusually little effort and often by shady or dishonest methods <had a keen eye for a fast buck — R. A. Keith>
4 a : securely attached <a rope fast to the wharf> b : tenacious <a fast hold on her purse>
5 a archaic : sound asleep b of sleep : not easily disturbed
6 : not fading or changing color readily
7 a : wild <a pretty fast crowd> b : sexually promiscuous
8 : resistant to change (as from destructive action or fading) <fast dyes> —often used in combination <sunfast> <acid-fast bacteria>

Given these definitions of the word “fast”, the various nuances of the word, you’ll get a better idea of how each story in the book ties into the theme. Sure, they’re all based loosely on definition #7, or better put: sexually hungry. But they all also employ carefully woven definitions in other ways.

In “Five-Minute Porn Star” by Jacqueline Applebee, the boyfriend of the female lead is a whirling dervish, an ADD-timebomb who suffered an injury that has slowed him down considerably. To soothe his frazzled nerves at being so constrained by crutches, his girlfriend sets a 5-minute timer to act like a porn-star for him partially as punishment partially as a challenge due to his “To Do” list entry of sex with her and a time-frame of 5 minutes for the act. In “Chasing Danger” by Kristina Wright, the leading woman is a cop pursuing a high-speed chase. In “Speed Bumps” by Tenille Brown, our girl is addicted to the life of motorcycles, and the fast-paced danger and unpredictability that her and her partner enjoy surrounding the motorcycle lifestyle – she doesn’t want to change that lifestyle but her partner does.

Quickie orgasms abound in stories like “Panther” by Suzanne V. Slate, where a woman gets aroused by a panther statue in a museum and ends up having an orgasm right then and there. Or “Communal” by Saskia Walker (this is one of my 2 most favorite stories) where a voyeur listening in to shower sex in a coed dorm bathroom has a quick orgasm in tune with the couple’s; our little voyeur also quickly agrees to let in her own voyeur to the shower stall with her. I love this story for many reasons….the whole voyeur/exhibitionistic aspect of the coed dorm showers has long been in my fantasies, but the story flipflops quickly from the main character being a voyeur, to an unknowing exhibitionist; from solo sex to coupled sex with a stranger to group sex with the couple she had been spying on; and it’s all fully believable.

One thing that always confuses me about erotica books is the premise that some are “erotica for women”. What exactly IS “erotica for women”? Would I not like erotica for men? Perhaps it is because the main character in each story is a woman and so we can more easily relate? I always have felt that my brain and my sexual impulses leaned a little more towards masculine but I found myself thoroughly enjoying many of these stories and recognizing elements of my own fantasies in the stories.

There are a high number of really great pieces in this book. Some I found, personally, to be a little tepid but this is why I love anthology short-story erotica books: there’s a huge variety and you’re bound to enjoy at least some if not most of the stories in the books. Most are not super-short and give you time to get invested in the character and immersed in the scene the writer is painting. To read more about all of the authors, keep tabs on the book’s wordpress site – which will soon have author interviews, excerpts and more.

All text and images on this site require permission before they can be used anywhere. To obtain permission, email dangerouslilly @ gmail.com

Aug 4, 2010

Posted by Lilly | 7 Comments

A trip to Babeland and Seattle

On my trip back at the end of April (yes, it’s taken me this long to write about it!!) to see Coy Pink , one of our days was spent in Seattle – sightseeing, lunch with Scarlet, and my first trip to a Real Sex Toy Store. It was a seriously fun day. The Pike Place Market? Wow. It literally hurt my heart to keep walking by all this gorgeous produce and SEAFOOD and not be able to buy it and cook it up. I did, however, buy some fancy Moscato grapes – a type used to make a sweet white wine – that just blew away any boring seedless grape I can get in my state.

As a teenager I was dared to enter the crusty, filthy local “adult” store boasting videos and Live Girls and comfortable viewing booths. I recall the famed Horse Dildo up on the wall, and the rest I’ve blocked out. On my last visit to NYC, BadBadGirl and I ducked into a jam-packed store. They had a large selection, particularly of costumes and lingerie, as well as toys but all were in boxes or behind glass. I didn’t feel uncomfortable in there, but it didn’t impress me much.

So, Babeland. It was interesting – kinda small, smaller than I expected it to be but then they don’t have a huge inventory even online. Of course, they also don’t carry shitty toys and jelly items galore. I take quality over quantity any day – plus the ability to handle the toys and turn them on??? Priceless. For someone who does all of their sex toy shopping online, this was a very cool experience. And educational, for me.

JimmyJane Toys

Man, talk about overall disappointment with a brand. The Form 2 was underwhelming in power once any pressure was applied to the vibrating “tongs”. The Form 6 didn’t seem to have anything over the Lelo Elise. The slimline metal vibrators that they make in various types of metals didn’t do much for me. The Iconic Collection of bland, white toys was as boring as their lack of color. JimmyJane is touted as a luxury brand but to be frank I saw no just cause for their luxe prices.

Delight and Curve

The Fun Factory Delight and Curve have been on my list of consideration for review for years now. I didn’t get to test out the vibrations of the Delight but both toys were smaller overall (size, girth, length) than I expected. I’m probably a little less interested in them now.

Tenga Flip Masturbation Sleeve

I have to admit, if I were a man I’d probably pick the Tenga Flip over a Fleshlight just because it looks so darn cool. And yes, we all stuck our fingers in the male masturbators.

Mystic Wand

Another one of the many “massager” style vibrators, this one is about the size of an Acuvibe Mini and has the trademark vibration style of deep, rumbly and powerful. Quite nice, actually.

Better Than Chocolate

In person, it looks cheaply made. The vibrations felt fairly weak and buzzy, as well. We got it turned on but we couldn’t really get that “intuitive slider bar” to work and change speeds. Glad I’ve passed on it to review before!

Lelo Mona, Nea, Ina

While the new Ina and Mona felt a little more powerful than Lelo’s first run of vibes, I’m still undecided on them. Mostly with Ina my concern is it fitting my anatomy. Any rabbit-style vibe though carries that question. I’d never reviewed the little Nea or Lily because of concerns that the vibration type would be the same as Mia (surface and buzzy) but man are they cute, little and pretty! Especially the Nea. It made me a little sad when I saw that their reincarnation of the minis, the Siri (the pink that Babeland carries is like the old style, but EdenFantasys carries a bright purple and red like the Mona), carries the color style of the Ina and Mona – half white, half bright ass solid. The Nea always appealed to me aesthetically.

The Crybaby, Remote Panty Vibe, Bnaughty Unleashed

Ugh. Just…..no. Granted, I have no idea if Babeland keeps their batteries fresh in these toys but they all felt very “meh” to me. Certainly not worth the cost and would provide a tease, not an orgasm. Since my visit there, Babeland no longer carries the Bnaughty wireless vibe, but they had it in that store. Perhaps they realized it wasn’t very good? Let’s hope. Sadly, wireless remote bullet vibes have to come a lonnnng way yet before they’re ever worth their pricetag.

Sqweel

I didn’t think it was possible, but this toy looked and felt even more disturbing in person than it does in photos. It’s mechanically noisy and just… no. No no and no.

Sasi

Due to the concept and geekiness of the toy it’s something I’ve wanted to try for a long time. But holding it, feeling it, I now really know that it would be the right toy for me. It’s pretty tame, as far as sensation delivered and vibration. Neat, but not for me.

Go Girl vs P Style

The Pstyle is a lot harder than I expected. It’s rigid plastic and can’t bend, so I have to wonder how portable it really would be for a FTM to carry around inconspicuously. The Go Girl was nice, pliant silicone but I’ve read some reviews that indicate it’s a little harder to use and not have a mess / aim with this one.

There were so many other toys there that I can’t remember their name or what exactly I thought of them. It was a little overwhelming! I hate that all the things I remembered seem to be so negative but I know what I personally like and I was hunting down the toys I’ve been wondering about for some time now. In October when I’m in NY I hope to be able to get in a visit to another store, either Babeland or maybe the Pleasure Chest which is where one of my fellow calendar models works, Brandon B.

All text and images on this site require permission before they can be used anywhere. To obtain permission, email dangerouslilly @ gmail.com

Aug 3, 2010

Posted by Lilly | 6 Comments

Is an “Adults Only” warning paragraph enough?

Blogger, as we all well know, encourages people who blog about “Adult Content” to willingly put up a warning splashpage. If you don’t, and they catch you, they’ll forcibly put one up that you can’t ever remove. Site owners who are not on Blogger frequently put a little “Over 18 Only” Warning text at the top of their sidebar.

Of course, the little warning text doesn’t really do much. Children won’t see it and suddenly click away. Is it just there as a CYA move?

I don’t know if Blogger’s warning pages actually interact with the Internet Content Rating Association or other means of Parental Controls, and thereby prevent kids from seeing those sites. At most they’re going to prevent people who are of age and offended by sex from seeing talk or photos about sex.

Recently I stumbled across this site/organization called RTA (restricted to adults), a place to go to self-label your site to prevent children from even accessing your site (provided, of course, they’re accessing it from a parental-controlled computer).

Clipped from: rtalabel.org (share this clip)

My question for my peers is this… how do you feel about this service? Would you use it? Why or why not? The ONLY question I would have is would this service also be employed by companies wishing to prevent their employees from viewing “pornographic” content at work and therefore preventing some of your readers from accessing your site?

All text and images on this site require permission before they can be used anywhere. To obtain permission, email dangerouslilly @ gmail.com

Aug 2, 2010

Posted by Lilly | 3 Comments

Props to Volunteers

One of the reasons I loved Sugasm and I love doing e[lust] is finding new blogs to read that I wouldn’t have known about otherwise. Rori at Between My Sheets posted the list of 30 (!!! Amazing guys!) volunteer judges for this year’s Top Sex Bloggers list. Looks like I’ve got some new blogs to go check out, as I’ve not heard of a number of these.

Without further ado, here are your 2010 judges:

Bunny from Sex Kitten Chronicles

Lilly from Dangerous Lilly

Bilinda from Fantasies of an UnOfficial Concubine

Stan, a BMS reader

Brandis, a BMS reader

Amanda from Bad All By Myself

Nanny from Naughty Mommy Reviews and Junk

Red from The Red Sneaker Diaries

Dallas from Naughty Americans

Becky from Empire Labs

Arabella from Bombsells & Rockstars

Emme from Maui Kink

Sir Zoomer from Vanilla-Xtract

Vixen from Secrets of a Blue-Eyed Vixen and Tits for Troops

Nadia from Diary of a Kinky Librarian

Chris, a BMS reader

Fantasia Lilith from Pillow Talk Press

Monicker, a BMS reader

Janie, a BMS reader

Arvan, from SexGenderBody

Martin, a BMS reader

Roxy from Uncommon Curiosity

Brian, a BMS reader

Ruth from Geeky Nymph

Violet from Screaming Violet

Mr. C, a BMS reader

Crista Anne from PinkSexGeek[dot]com

Inara de Luna from Temple of the Red Lotus, The Qadishtu Experience, and Petals in Ink

Cin from Seeing My Own Reflection

Jaye from MacLeod & Valentine

Some of these people I already know and love, and some I need to start checking out. You should too!

While I’m at it, I’ve got my own little list of volunteers that deserve an extra little bit of thanks, for their present or past help on e[lust] things, in no particular order: