Posted by Lilly | 22 Comments

Wanton Wednesday: Good Old Fashioned Sunlight

Mussed up hair half-covering my face, naked, a bed…..what do YOU think I was doing?

 

 

 

 

See who else is playing!

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Posted by Lilly | 14 Comments

I couldn’t think of a title

This post? Not about teh sexy. If you come here solely for that, this is fair warning that you can safely skip this post.

I’ve been living in abject fear for the last 3 months. The occasional moment of relief and self-pride, but honestly…..not much of it. Constant fear……of failure. Fear of tempations I won’t be able to resist. Fear of self-sabotage.

Why? I joined Weight Watchers. After a few health problems cropped up that may or may not be weight-related, combined with the utter disgust in the plus-size clothes market, I decided to lose weight.

I never thought it would be easy. I knew going in that I have food addiction issues not much different from a drug or alcohol addict. Except….I can’t just avoid bars and get a new set of clean-and-sober friends. I’ve broken down in tears numerous times. I’ve completely lost my shit because I wanted something and knew I couldn’t have it because it was *just that bad for me*.

I take comfort in numbers, logic and science. I like knowing how things work, and why. I like numbers that keep tabs on things, give me comparison points, etc. In many aspects of my life. And with this attempt at Weight Watchers, I’m embracing the numbers and using the fact that I’m always online and at my computer to make the most out of their e-tools (I don’t go ot meetings). But when the logic and reason don’t add up to the numbers? I lose it. I lose my grip, my sanity, my “I can do this”. When I look at what I’ve eaten for the week, when I look at all I’ve changed in my diet, when I think about the exercise…..and then the scale doesn’t give me a proper hearty congratulations? I lose it. I lean heavily on my bestfriend R because he’s got the knowledge and intelligence to explain the why’s and the nonsensical to me so that even though I don’t *like* the answer, I can take comfort in having an answer.I keep trying to find a pattern between how many points I’ve consumed, how many I’ve earned with exercise, and how much I lost. I can’t find a pattern. I can’t find a certain angle to work to get the best weight loss numbers consistently (or mostly consistently) each week.

Right now I’m hovering in the 22-25 pound loss range. I’ve had two bad food weekends and despite now taking a water aerobics class, it’s not making up for the bad weekends. I keep coming close to giving up. I avoid social situations that revolve around food as best as I can because I don’t want to sit there and be grumpy because I can’t have what my brain and tongue wants.

And please….before anybody attempts a “helpful” comment on which diet/lifestyle plan might work better for me? Don’t.

Don’t worry, this won’t become a weight loss blog. I’ll mention it few and far between here. Can’t say the same for Twitter though, those who follow me hear a lot about it to the point of boredom I’m sure. But I’m writing about this more to explain my mental status as of late, and why this blog is faltering. I’m hard on myself sometimes…..really hard. And when I fail, and when I can’t have what I want, I get grumpy. And man have I been grumpy. Cranky. Irritable. Pissed the hell off. But I’m trying to get past that.  In the past, one of the reasons I ate (besides my love of food) was to affect my brain chemistry. A burst of dopamine, a calming bite of this, an energizing bite of that…..and I can’t do that anymore.

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Posted by Lilly | 4 Comments

I Heart NY….but…

But I won’t be going there this year for the NYC Sex Blogger Calendar Party.

I’m 95% certain on this.

I say 95% because there is still a tiny portion of me that is hemming and hawing and thinking of just drastically shortening my trip and only staying in the city on Friday night. But then….$250 for a room for even just one night seems extravagant and silly right now. 5% of me still thinks that I’ll be missing out and be missed but I say this is all seriousness – I really won’t be. No, that’s not said out of self-pity or anything like that. Just realism. When I’m in a large group setting like the party, I tend to retreat into my shell like a turtle. My social anxieties come out and the wall-to-wall people makes me irritable and skittish. I’m not the social butterfly some might think that Lilly is. I don’t dominate the conversations, I wait on the edges until it’s okay to enter in. I defer to others. I’m kind of a model for the calendar this year, but not one of the big-name people. I’ve come to accept these things and I’m ok with not going. I kept inside all of the hurt feelings I experience last calendar party weekend, I only talked about the good stuff because…that’s what I do. I keep it inside. I put on a smile.

Also the thought of dropping money and frantically hunting for an outfit I don’t hate is not at all appealing to me. Next year, my choices will be broader and I’ll be in a better place financially, mentally, health-wise, and more. I and we have too much on our plates, and more wise/necessary places to put the money I’ve saved up, for me to justify going.

Another deciding factor against going is that a great number of the people I was looking forward to seeing in NY I will be seeing in April at MomentumCon in DC. Not everyone, true, but most. Hubman and Veronica graciously offered me their tour of NYC and I’m sure I can take them up on that at any time, party or not.

I’m sure that, while there might not be another calendar, there will always be some sort of NYC-based blogger event to go to in the coming year. And I already have a standing date with my friend to go and see his version of NY, next year sometime. I’d always asked him for recommendations on places to go, and now I’ll have him with me in person.

Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn’t fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it’s comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you’re very lucky, a plane ride away.

~Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City (Season 4 finale)

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Posted by Lilly | 9 Comments

Digital Flirting

A lot has changed in the world of internet dating/chatting/flirting since I first started. And it makes me realize that in some ways, it’s still the same but in other ways….. you youngins have it easy!

A lovely chat with a very sexy woman who left me 2 VERY VERY sexy voicemails (more about that later) led to a bizarre coincidence. We both frequented the same BBS at around the same timeframe. Although this BBS was based in Iowa (ISCABBS) in its height of popularity it garnered users from all over the world. For the under-28 crowd, who probably has no idea what a BBS is and how it’s used, you really should go check it out. At the ISCA website you can now telnet to the BBS via a Java client. Go ahead. You can login as a guest and poke around briefly. It’s fairly dead now. Last night Emme and I logged on and found a whopping 19 members online. I can’t recall what it’s max capacity was but when it was at its most popular you used to  have to wait in queue to get in if the max number of people were logged in. It is completely text-based.

If you wanted to get to know someone, their profile contained, at most, their name and address, a website (geocities, anyone?), 5 lines for them to fill up with whatever ASCII-art or pithy words they wanted and….that’s about it! You could message them privately and instantly if they were online or leave them a message if they were offline. There were forums to read. It was all self-contained and text-based. There was drama and in-fighting even back then.

If you wanted to chat outside of ISCA…well…..I can’t recall really having a need to take anything text-based off of ISCA. For those people at that time, if they were online they were logged in. Simple as that. I did have my first phone-sex-with-a-stranger with 2 guys from there (using my parents house phone, back when long distance wasn’t free, and somehow free small-denomination phone cards could be found by the resourceful geeks so our conversations could be had for less money or free). My first girl that I slept with I met through there. My first (and only, really) foray into being a “cam girl” was through guys I met on ISCA. In very rudimentary ways they sent me money (Paypal was around but it wasn’t the big shot it is now, there were still a few other companies vying for the Title) and I got on my shitty webcam for them. It was a lot of fun, actually. I had a couple guys who (stupidly, really) paid for numerous sessions with me on cam or even for some photos. Niteflirt exists now to make that simple.

The other method for digital flirting was the AOL chatrooms. Not much has changed I suppose for that aspect. I started my first collection of soft-porn-photos by swapping pics with people I’d meet on AOL chatrooms.

It was all so very 1995 and so….bland compared to what is available now. Now you can log into sites like OkCupid and learn a lot about someone before you even talk to them. There’s blogs, Twitter, Facebook and before that was Myspace (which seems pedestrian now compared to the more popular social networking sites). All of this makes digital long-distance “netsex”, flirting, and even dating about a thousand times easier. This is sounding like our grandparents “in MY day I had to WALK to school 3 miles away in -10 degrees in the winter and across a frozen pond!” but geesh it’s true!

Emme and I had a lot of fun chatting and reminiscing and swapping stories of the people we met from ISCA, and even comparing handles (screen names, for the kids reading this) to see if we’d known the same people. I had to laugh last night when I logged into the BBS and found a number of people who STILL use the damn thing! And I know they’d been on ISCA for a couple years at least before I’d discovered it. Kinda sad, lol.

So please, to the over-30 readers, comment away and share your memories of when you first used the internet for naughty purposes!

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Posted by Lilly | 9 Comments

Wanton Wednesday: A Week of Phone Porn

Monday

First full day with the new phone

Sammi ( what, I can’t name my phone?) has replaced my netbook for at-home-but-don’t-want-to-be-in-my-office web browsing. It facilitates stuck-in-traffic amusement. A spark here and there as I glance at a TwitPic from some hot chick, or follow a link from Twitter to a hot post.

Tuesday

Ooohh, fancy camera!

Tuesday shows a return to WW after I found some really artistic camera-effect apps. I’m still looking for more and playing around with settings. My only gripe is that I find it a lot harder to take self-shot camera-phone pics with this new phone, as the “shutter” button is on the touchscreen and a lot of fumbles and mis-fires occur in trying to get a decent pic.

Wednesday

Raising the heart rate

I’d forgotten my ipod, and haven’t yet put music on my phone, so I puttered around on Twitter and such during my lunchtime walk. Someone I follow was retweeting links to some chicks TwitPics and uh…..wow. (also, I’m such a “guy” sometimes, I get frustrated if there’s a lead-up of sexy pics and no vulgar display of vulva) This chick had a gorgeous body and loved to show it off. Yay! Of course this also left me incredibly horny.

Thursday

stealth reading

While browsing the archives of my current favorite haunt for makes-me-wet written erotica, and subsequently trying to manually jerk off in the ladies room, I was reminded why I used to always have a vibrator with me at work. I finally emerged from the stall with weak legs, a flushed face and an ultimately unsatisfied cunt. I just couldn’t quite get there.

Friday

surprise smut

A much-loved but costly app is the Amazon Kindle app. The app itself is free…..it’s the books that aren’t cheap. I tend to enjoy chick-lit, modern romance books a la Jennifer Crusie, etc. Pure escapist fun stuff. What do we have here? Surprise smutty sex scene! yay! So now I can purchase hot short-story sexy anthologies for when I need a fix and I’m not able to hold a book in my hand.

Tuesday

heavy breathing….ask and ye shall receive

Long ago and far away there was a young man I flirted around with online and we (especially he) had a penchant for utilizing the “leave a voice message” feature of Google Talk. I’ve always loved listening to people jerk off. Men, women, I love it all. Thanks to cell phones, web sites, and more I’ve listened to a number of people that I’ll never meet as they forget I’m listening and just let…go. The hitch in their breathing, the whimpers and groans and moans, the sighs, the orgasm….. *sigh yum*

So today, I asked on Twitter if any women would be interested and brave enough to leave me a voicemail (and by that I mean heavy breathing etc hehe) on my Google Voice number. I had a couple say they might but I’m still waiting on these gorgeous gals to follow thru ;) One lovely gentleman did leave me a short naughty bit. And one anonymous (I’ll see if she outs herself in comments) girl who left me the MOST delectable voicemail in exchange for the following photo:

I queried on Twitter if perhaps maybe I should put up a Google Voice widget here and see what I get…..and so, I’m doing it. I’m eyeing up a few ladies who said they’d do it if I put the widget up. Most likely it won’t stay up forever. You get only 3 minutes, so make it good!

(type in your initials, nickname, whatever. then your cell phone number or whatever. you can click on “keep private” and i won’t see your number. then answer your phone! it’ll ring, and when you answer it will connect you to my voicemail. simple!)

(oh and, you don’t need to have google voice to do this….your own phone will work, GV calls you from a ghosted number and then you leave me the msg, and it doesn’t tell me your real #)

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