Ask any heavy woman and she’ll most likely admit to have some (or many) moments of feeling a perceived shame against her, just for her weight. I say perceived because the majority of people are not rude enough to say to your face how disgusted they are by your excess fat or your healthy appetite. And by “to your face” I mean in person. Bloggieland gives many people false bravado and arrogance.
Why do we assume they’re giving us the body-check-glance and thinking all sorts of negative things? Probably because of the internet, to be frank. Because we can read their thoughts that they feel safe in saying to the faceless nameless crowd. Perhaps some overweight women were also overweight in the years of primary school and high school, when children can be downright mean.
We might feel like shit when we realize we’re the largest person in the room.
We might purposely under-eat when in the company of thinner acquaintances for fear they’ll think we’re a pig for eating like a normal, healthy person.
And…..we might unfairly be judging people. That which we fear and assume is happening to us.
This weekend I found myself at a family reunion wherein half of the family are people I wouldn’t recognize if I passeed in the street – heck some I’ve never met! There were two women there a little younger than me, both thin, both gorgeous. I felt intimidated. I’m sure they were very nice people but I unfairly assumed otherwise; assumed they were judging me. This didn’t occur to me until I spoke out loud how I felt more comfortable speaking to one of the afore-mentioned women after hearing that she’d spent some time pretty overweight herself and struggled to lose it. Granted, her weight issues and weight loss were nothing like mine. But I still had this newly-perceived camaraderie. Comfort.
I need to fucking stop doing this. I have more than enough friends in this community who are thin and who are NOT judging me based on my weight alone. And I need to lose the pointless body-envy.