Apr 052010
 

This blog is a sad and sorry state of affairs. It really is, lately. My writings have suffered and I haven’t figured out why, exactly.

Until I’m too deep in it to come out.

I do not suffer from clinical depression. I do not have a serotonin disorder. However, when any chemical imbalance is left go for too long, it can start looking like something else. I’ve seen untreated dopamine disorders (ADD, for example, like myself) manifest as severe anxiety or depression. Treating the anxiety/depression with mental health meds for those disorders doesn’t help. You have to treat the underlying cause (which is why my husband went so long with improper treatment).

My issue is still tht I can’t find a decent doctor that’s covered under my insurance and local. There’s very few here taking new patients, and I discovered that driving 30 minutes to a doctor’s appointment IS a big enough hassle to warrant not doing it. My last 2 docs overmedicated me. So I’ve been off everything and for awhile there I was doing ok.

Now though?

Not ok. Frankly, I’m depressed as shit right now and can give no decent reason. Sure, hub’s out of a job but we’re not destitute. I had a nice trip to NYC and going to Seattle end of this month. We’ve got medical bills for me that we’re whittling away at but I’m soon going to be paying most of them off with a sidejob I just did. No, I’m not getting any web design work but it’ll come eventually. My blog might suck ass right now but e[lust] and the co-op are going well. I truly hate my 9-5 job though and dislike many of the people in my office. I wish I didn’t have to come here. But I’m the only source of health insurance, and there’s a hiring freeze on so I can’t move elsewhere within the “company” to at least get out of this particular section. I’m having pain issues, again. Memory/brain issues again. My bff is too busy at his job right now and he’s barely around so I miss him.

I have friends.
I have a good husband.
I have nice cats.
I HAVE a job and health insurance, even if I hate it all.

Sadly, brain chemical levels don’t give a flying shit about what’s going on in your life and that you “should” or “should not” be depressed/anxious/manic. There is no “buck up, soldier, it’ll be ok tomorrow”. It’s just wonky chemicals and I know this but finding a doctor is such a goddamn huge hassle, plus I feel like I should have my outstanding bills paid before I add more to the pile, yanno?


So yeah. This isn’t much of a sex blog lately, and I’m sorry for that.

But sometimes…..ya just gotta squeeze out whatever’s in there, validity or relevancy be damned.


What do YOU do when you’re not feeling your normal sexy-blogger-self? Do you just write for the sake of writing and figure the sex part will get back on track soon? Or do you go dark and quit altogether for a temporary respite?

 Posted by at 11:11 am
  • http://thekinkypixie.blogspot.com pixie

    HUGS :) Its normal to just sometimes feel down, without being clinically depressed and even when it seems “life is overall good”

    My mum works in a research lab and there was a study she read that proves tears create a chemical in our brains. When we are low on that chemical, our bodies force us to “cry”. I often believe thats why I have emotional crying fits for what appear to be “no reason”

    Good Luck sweetie! sending you lots of smiling wishes :)

    ~ pixie

    ~ That’s totally fascinating and makes a lot of sense!!!

  • http://www.debaucheddomesticdiva.blogspot.com Diva

    As someone who suffers from depression……

    I try to concentrate on only the positive in my life when I am feeling down. It doesn’t always work and I still have my low moments especially around the holiday. I used to feel pressure to write on my blog but over the past few years I’ve come to accept that when I feel like writing I will and that is enough for me.

    You have a lot of great things going on in your life this year and you know that I’ll always be here if you need me.

    hugs
    Diva

    ~ I guess I feel the pressure to write bc I know how many people read the blog, and bc it’s a source (small) of income.

    Thanks for the reminders :)

  • 13messages

    I, too, remain at a job I hate solely for the health insurance coverage it provides. I hope you can leave yours for something better soon.

    As for your question, I keep writing for the sake of writing. Even if it’s just more of the same (going on about my job, money worries, etc.), I get something out of writing and sharing that I would miss if I just went dark. My best to you.

    Mike

    ~ Thanks hon. Yeah I just worry that people will tire of me and write me off entirely, lol. I’ll yank something out though ;)

  • http://beesandtheirknees.blogspot.com Bee’s Knees

    Hang in there, gorgeous. I know you and I have talked about anxiety/depression. For me, it’s like walking through mud and not being able to find a way out. And my current job has definitely played a major role in feeding that negativity.

    And (maybe I’m stating the obvious), it’s clear that you’re job isn’t where you want to be. It’s not your “calling” or a “career.” It’s convenient. For me (and maybe we share similar outlooks/personalities in this regard), if I’m not happy, I need to know WHEN I can change a situation and HOW to do that. But sometimes (like now), those can be un-knowables. And so I’m finding that I just have to figure out how to make myself happy in little ways. I take each day as it comes.

    I’m not saying that fixes everything. It doesn’t. I still cry on my way into work. But I make sure that I laugh a lot, too, and then I deal with whatever’s next.

    Sorry — I know that doesn’t help much. Sending good thoughts your way.

    ~ You’re right, I very much like to know whats next and when. Not knowing how long I’m stuck here and just how much worse it can get here isn’t easy to deal with. And no my job isn’t my calling. It’s my “necessary” job. We need a paycheck and we need health insurance.

  • Soren

    I do not suffer from depression, but there are times when the inspiration just won’t come. When that happens, I usually try to find a new novel to read and sometimes the author’s writing style gives me ideas (though I’m not sure if that would work for your current situation). I wouldn’t go dark; you do have readers who look for more than sexy pictures. ;)

    Regardless, there’s no need to apologize. I’m sure we all understand.

    You have my best wishes, Lilly.

    ~Soren

    ~ Well no, I could totally start reading erotica books and such but I haven’t had the pull to do so. I have one here I need to review, in fact. Maybe I’ll get on that.

  • http://beesandtheirknees.blogspot.com Bee’s Knees

    I think I want to second what Soren said as well. There would be a lot of disappointment amongst your readers (and yes, we like your photos, but I like to READ, too) if you went dark.

    Your blog makes me think about sex, when I’m feeling unsexy. It really is inspiring. More than you realize.

  • hubman

    I don’t get it when a blogger apologizes for what they’re writing about. I think someone is pretty shallow if they visit yours or any other blog and expects nothing but writings about sex (or whatever the dominant them of the blog is).

    No matter what you write about, I’ll still be reading!

  • http://vanillaimpaired.com vanimp

    Stuff what people ‘want’.

    Write about whatever you need to because as sure as the sun will shine you will have people who come to read what YOU write.

    I have days where the blog is staring at me and I have nothing. Nothing comes out. I used to stress about it. Nowdays not so much. If I want a day or three off then so be it.

    We’ll still be here ;) xx

  • http://theduchessissexy.blogspot.com The Duchess

    I take a break if I’m not feeling it, I lean towards depression sometimes too.
    And like everyone, I will read whatever you write my darling, you’re phenomenal, and I cherish all your words – smutty or not.
    Take care of you…
    xo

  • http://www.nocturnalchat.blogspot.com Black Pearl

    Sorry to hear your dealing with this! I was once diagnosed with clinical depression (even spent some time in the pysch ward because of trying to kill myself) so I now that when you’re over the point of no return it hurts like a bitch until you get back on solid ground. I tell you this to ask a very important question and I didn’t even read others comments to see if they asked the same but, have you ever had your thyroid tested. I found out after having my daughter (almost 10 years later) that it was my thyroid being so out of whack that had me depressed!! Went on meds that I was told I would need to take for the rest of my life and I was feeling great, and miraculously when I had my son, my thyroid went back into whack, does that even sound right? LOL I was fine! Just like that! So if you haven’t, please hit up your doctor to run your thyroid levels! Hope that helped even a little bit.

    FYI – before the thyroid, prozac was my best friend!! lol

  • Marcus

    You are what makes this blog worth reading. We come here to get a glimpse of you. If that glimpse happens to include sexy stuff then great ’cause we’re all horny anyway, but if it doesn’t then everything’s still good. Life ebbs and flows. If you made it sound like you were having absolutely fabulous sex all the time and that your life was always perfect then I would stop reading. I would quite possibly even print out a picture of you and use it as target practice. I bet there’s not a single one of your readers who can say that they have not ever had a bad day where they felt a little bit better by hearing that someone else was having a hard time too.

  • SapioSlut

    Be gentle on yourself, please.

    I have suffered (badly) from depression in the past, and the only way I could function was to prioritise ruthlessly. For someone heavily laden even a short distance is an ordeal. What you achieve is what you achieve.

    Over-medication? That’s easy! Take what you feel appropriate and throw the rest away. My doctor kept trying to get me off meds. (So I changed doctor.)

  • http://www.alpinesubdreams.com Alpine

    I take a break if some things are going on in my life. Sometimes you need to get a break from social media and blogging to focus on yourself so you can continue.

  • http://elsiewrites.wordpress.com/ elsie

    Hope things get better for you. I’m caught in almost the exact same health-insurance dilemma.

    To answer your question: I hiatus. It’s difficult for me; I seem to impose a lot of pressure on myself, even though I’ve made a point about not having any schedule to my postings, I still feel a duty to update. Sometimes life just gets in the way.

    Best wishes
    Elsie

  • Genevieve

    Hoping that you will be feeling better very soon. A break is a good idea. If you aren’t feeling it, then it’s totally cool to just back off a bit. You’ll get back in your groove again!
    I don’t do alot of blogging some days, I only started Neptune really to participate in HNT. I do know about some of what you wrote about though from personal experience. I have a good life, good family, friends, etc. and yet I have gone thru some issues at times.

    Also, thank you for using my photo for elust. That was very cool. :)
    xo

  • CW

    I go private. ;-) And, meet friends for dinner/drinks.

    See you soon! XO

    CW

  • rage

    I am sorry that you’re having the writer’s block. I go through that quite frequently and personally, I prefer to just quit writing but that’s just me. I quit my 365 flickr thing just because I was bored with it and didn’t feel like doing it anymore. I almost quit my 365 blogging because I didn’t have shit to write and was just tossing up anything I could find. One doesn’t always have stuff to write about. What can you do about it? Nothing. If you don’t feel like writing you don’t have to.

    xoxo

  • http://deweyssystem.blogspot.com/ Dewey

    I think some of us bloggers go through something similar. I won’t say its exactly the same thing, but I’ll go for weeks sometimes and have no interest in even logging in much less commenting. Hope you get your mojo back. i think it’s there, within you. just sometimes takes the right combo to get it back. Good luck