Feb 092010
 

(This post originally appeared over at Edencafe. It appears here now in hopes it will bring more discussion.)

There are two sides to me. The Lilly you see online and the L that most others see in reality (and how I feel in reality). Sometimes there is a bleeding of the edges betwixt the two worlds and I am gaining comfort in that happening more. This isn’t to say that Lilly is a contrived persona. In fact, not at all. Lilly is what L truly is under the surface. Lilly is the no-holds-barred version of L. There are most definitely pixels shared between the two. A Venn diagram, if you will. The better I know someone and the more comfortable I am with them, the more Lilly and L meld together as almost one.

I don’t mind people staring at Lilly because it’s all virtual and I can control it. But in the stark lights of reality, L feels scrutinized. L says “Don’t look at me”. Lilly says “Oh hey, its naked time? Wait for me!”.

I think that the Lilly you see on Twitter is really more of a meld than most other places. Granted, a lot of L isn’t shared there but it’s much more of an equality of the two. Would L have the cohones to say to a just-introduced guy “Well HELL-o cute boy!!”? Nope. And will Lilly let her Eeyore side out online? As little as fucking possible, thank you. I think the matter at hand is this: how much more Lilly does L need to absorb into her public persona? For I know damn well she could stand more than she’s got.

Ya know why?

Because L needs a goddamn date, that’s why. L needs to move onwards and upwards and find a guy or girl who’s somewhere in between side dish and main course.

And Lilly is way more date-able. No, not because she’s got a bit of teh slut, but because she’s confident and happy-but-snarky (usually, unless she’s pissed off because SOME men think her every sentence must be met with “witty” innuendo-laden replies). But I have news for ya boys: L/Lilly doesn’t fuck on the first date anymore. Sorry, day late and fifty dollars short.

When I posted on my blog a few months ago about my flaws, it was the first time that readers really saw more of L. And I was scared to put that out there! Sometimes I feel like this anonymous blogging / dual-personality shit is fraudulent. I mean, it’s not -  not one bit of Lilly the personality/person is a lie. But I know that L isn’t very shiny and sparkly a lot of the time anymore and that can be a bit of a bummer. I’ve met a few people offline that knew me as Lilly for awhile and I do believe they ended up disappointed with L. I can’t say as I blame them either. Lilly is who I would be all the time if I were surrounded by friends/family/co-workers just like those of you that I know online; Lilly is who I would be without my neurosis.

So what is this? A crisis of identity? Multiple personalities disorder? Split brain? Split pea soup? One thing I do know is that I’m learning about myself in ways that I didn’t expect when I started the blog. I am more self-aware than ever before. Some days it’s a painful awareness but most days it’s a good thing. I can’t tell you the number of times I want to open my mouth and say “Holy shit! I just did XYZ!!!” and it of course related to this blog or e[lust] – and I have to clam up. For the first time I have money now to do a few things, because of my sites. Can I tell anybody? Nope. Can I tell anybody how rockin’ my site design was? Nope. None of my family even knows that I have gone to NYC *at all*, and I’ve gone 3 times since starting this blog. It was very hard for me in the weeks leading up to my November NYC trip to spend time with bloggy friends and attend the NYC Sex Bloggers Calendar Party to have to constantly lie about exactly why I was going to NYC (to the few people I told). I tested the waters once, and when someone asked me what all I was going to do there I listed off a few things and one of them was “see a Burlesque show”.

Silence.

Confusion.

“……what’s ‘burlesque’???”

I tried a few vanilla, simple explanations and when the look of confusion just expounded with each word out of my mouth I finally gave up.

“Nevermind. I’m going to see a show and it’s nowhere near Broadway.”

And that, my friends, was the last time Lilly opened her mouth in L’s world.

  • Matt

    Love the post! Probably best understood by other bloggers, but should provide insight for all. So many of your points ring home to me as well. I tend to think of the distinction like this: my blogging persona is a focused view into the sexual and relationship aspects of my life, catering to those with a specific interest. It’s a legitimate and essentially accurate picture of one important portion of my life. Not coincidentally, it is one of the only areas that I CAN’T write about or talk about with people in the vanilla/offline portions of my life, for the reasons you describe so well (“burlesque?”) So the blog becomes the outlet for a very important part of me that I cannot share anywhere else, yet it is all (online or offline) accurately me.

  • http://dangerousliaisons-aurore.blogspot.com/ Aurore

    I sometimes struggle with my online persona and my real life (unlike you I let my real life bleed into my blog far too often and I’m beginning to pull back) too. There are only 2 people in RL that even know I blog; they don’t know where and haven’t asked (thankfully) but it’s odd to keep this whole side of my life a secret.

    Blogging is an outlet that allows you (and all of us really) to let our hair down (and our pants in many cases) and be what we can’t always be in real life because of neuroses (I have many), careers, family, etc.

    I think, though I don’t know her, that L wouldn’t be a disappointment. After meeting a few bloggers, I can safely say, knowing the RL you only makes your online persona more complete.

  • Kristen

    It is a strange thing – this multifaceted way we see ourselves. But don’t you think you are a blend of all the different parts of you depending on where you are, or who you are with, depending on your mood? You end up leaning more heavily on those parts that you have in regards to who you are with.

    However, it would be hard to have to not be quite so truthful when you travel for sex-blogger get togethers, etc. I can totally understand that.

    Good luck on finding that perfect balance, so that L is just as comfortable IRL as Lilly is here in blogland. <3

  • http://blue-eyedvixen.com/ Vixen

    Yeah…. totally resonate with this post. Sometimes I’m surprised when others (my readers) are surprised to find something out about me (like that I’m fairly shy and hate change or to try new things in my life). I *try* to be as real in my blog as I am IRL…but the fact of the matter is, they are different people, no matter how much I try or want them to be the same.

    xo

  • http://www.kinkylibrarian.net Nadia West

    I can’t count how many times I’ve told my coworkers that I did “nothing much” during the weekend when in fact I’d had a fantastic time at a swing club getting fucked and my ass beaten. lol Being poly is difficult too as sometimes I wish I could mention MasterDoc but Davey is my “official” boyfriend so I have to make sure I don’t mention “my boyfriend the doctor” at work.

  • Tracer Bullet

    Dunno. I like the little bit I know if L and I wouldn’t mind getting to know her better. Of course, I have experience with the whole double-life thing. You see, I’m Batman.

  • bagheera333420

    I thoroughly understand the double life. I am a serious introvert and extremely shy face to face. But, get me online and i get (basically) internet balls. I can say almost anything here with no problems, speak my mind freely (witch i cannot do in real life). Its hard trying to balance the two, keep one from crossing over into the other. However, its not always a bad thing.
    True, a person may not want their friends, family, or coworkers to know all of their dirty little secrets, but it is important to have someone to share that with (even if it is just as a blog).
    The trick is figuring out which of those real life individuals can be allowed behind the curtain.

    sorry if this ran to long….keep up the good work

  • http://really-and-truly.blogspot.com Truly

    Yep, I can totally relate. I *just* had this experience–meeting someone who expected someone else entirely. My last post was about this problem. I could have just skipped writing mine and linked over here if I’d read this first!

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  • Luke

    Lilly, I’ve been reading your blog for a couple of years now, maybe more. I think most people have sides of themselves they yearn to expose, but feel conflicted about exposing completely. Your own struggle with it is very well written. It’s exhilarating to live out your own greatest fantasies, and show them off to the world, and have a liberated sense of self within a controlled, accepting and titillating atmosphere. For anyone you meet that knows Lilly and is disappointed with L is truly unfortunate. Anyone with involved, particularly kinky fantasies must quickly realize that to live those out in a day to day life is just not going to be practical. While I make no claims to know the L behind the Lilly, Lilly is a vibrant, wanton, beautiful person, and those are not qualities that simply disappear behind L. They do create a wonderful mystery to L, not in a sexual sense, but in a very human, understandable and easy to relate to way. The fact that L is as much who you are as Lilly, makes for a great dichotomy of personas, L being the everyday necessity that makes Lilly possible, and just off the radar of unsuspecting eyes. Your stories and fiction are great, and this post makes the idea of Lilly being anyone. Someone you might work with, someone you might see on a bus, or train, or walking down the street going to work, who doesn’t really flaunt their other side (well, maybe a little). Then when the moment is right, you slip into a proverbial phone booth, and L emerges as Lilly. You’ve posted in the past about having your face exposed in your blog/HNT pictures, and it seems like over time, the frame has slowly crept up your face. In a way, the readers get to grow, learn, and experience things with you, despite the anonymity.
    I think we all can look forward to the future of L and Lilly coming closer together. Or at least just cumming…couldn’t resist a bad pun!

  • http://andeatingit2.com Joanna Cake

    LOL, I know what you mean about keeping the two halves separate because people dont understand. I also know about how easy it is to ‘blab’ about something in the wrong world and watch the confusion on the faces of the listeners.

    If only people were more honest and open about sexuality, the world would be a much better place and there would probably be less teenage pregnancies and STDs.

    Joanna is synonymous with the me that I would like to be. Brave, open, honest, sexy. But she is also less constrained by ‘what other people will think’. The real me wishes she could care less about that but nearly 50 years of conditioning is going to take an awful lot of undoing.

    Sometimes we have to rely on the praise of our blog friends for any achievements in this virutal world, rather than that of our real ones x

  • Genevieve

    Ah… how this post struck me so! I’ve only just started Neptune, just a little slice of blogland for me only, and yet I am torn about what to say and do there. A couple friends know about it. I started it mainly to participate in HNT. Family, some of them would fall over if they knew, and probably want me to die a slow painful death for it all. But really, I haven’t even talked about anything all that interesting. The pictures would be the problem. And every day I’m hoping they won’t be found in the computer files. Silly to hide, but for now, I have to.

    Just wanted to say I enjoyed this post. And anywhere the word ‘snarky’ is used is all the better. A fav word of mine!

  • CW

    You know I can totally relate to this, because you know me in the physical world, not just the blogosphere. I feel like drift between the two identities less seamlessly than I used to, but I suppose that is inevitable when you get involved to the level I now have with my Lover. Aside from that though, I have found that my tone and voice has changed over time…it has become more natural and free-flowing. I feel comfortable saying what I feel and sharing it with whomever cares to read my thoughts or tales of naughty behavior. One snarkalicious babe to another, you know I think you are fabulous as L or Lilly or a bit of both at once. XO, Babe

  • kittykillkill

    Girlie, I think you’re da’ bomb…what I know of you in real life and that of the blog stuff. I think you’re real cool. It is hard to keep the two separate though (not letting one drift or conflict with the other).