Posted by Lilly in Thoughts & Opinions | 17 Comments
Rape: Two sides to every story
The other week we were watching an episode of NCIS (shaddup) that was about many things but underneath it all the basis was that a girl had accused someone of rape many years ago, falsely. She let her mother and friends and eventually authorities believe for a long time that she had been raped.
I’ve seen it on plenty of fictional drama shows and nighttime news programs alike. Young girls who falsely accuse a male authority figure of rape just out of spite. Their professor snubbed their sex offer in exchange for a better grade? They cried rape. Even if/when the truth came out the accused had already had their life ruined. That night after watching NCIS I went and typed into Google something about girls falsely accusing rape, I don’t recall the exact keyword wording I used to lead me to this forum. Basically a question and answer type of place, where many people congregated. I can’t recall anymore exactly what her question was, but she was encouraged by the community to come clean about her false accusations. Her boyfriend, rightfully so, didn’t forgive her. He couldn’t be with someone who would lie about such a thing. The community, in between some chastising for lying about rape, was also commending her for coming clean.
That baffled me.
That girl should have never received an ounce of praise for coming clean for her destructive lie. Turns out she lied because the step-father was abusive to her mom or something (which, given her track record now of lying about big things, I have to doubt). There is NO. ACCEPTABLE. REASON. for lying about being raped. If you lie and come clean the only thing you should get is charges pressed against you in most cases. I have seen it happen on the news in the bigger cases where the accuser took the lie way too far (pressing charges, court, etc vs just telling a bf/mother/friends to get her way), but I bet the accusers are getting wrist slaps half of the time because they’re young. To wrongfully accuse someone of anything is shameful…… but rape? Come on.
Not only does a wrongful accusation ruin the career and reputation of the accused, it puts one more dent against valid rape claims in general. Every girl that lies about being raped gives the general public one more little bit of ammunition. “Girls cry rape if they thought the sex was bad”. “Girls cry rape if they fuck with someone they regret fucking”. Seriously? Yes, seriously. I’ve heard that. Girls who’ve been date-raped have also heard that.
I am very much in the camp of “whatever else surrounded it, you said NO and no means no. he shouldn’t have raped you, he was wrong.”. I will never tell a woman she deserved to be raped. Drunk at a frat party and walking around naked? Stupid, yes. Deserved it? No. But I am just as much in the camp against women who falsify rape claims. The lives they ruin. The credibility they destroy. Personally, I think that the charges for lying about a rape should be damn near as stringent as the charges for the rapist.
What do you think?
Have you ever seen the movie Quiz Show before? They fed Ralph Fienne’s character the answers and/or told him when to answer wrong, all so he could get paid off. He admitted to the lie later on, and the panel all praised him, except for one man who (and I’m paraphrasing) put it perfectly: “I don’t think a grown man, especially one of your intelligence, should be praised just for telling the truth.”
~ I have not, but I know the premise of it, was based on true story. Praise for coming clean off a lie is bullshit. “It’s about goddamned time, liar” is the more appropriate response IMO.
I 100% agree with you – they shouldn’t be commended for doing the right thing. That’s the bare minimum expectation on all of us as human beings. Should someone give her a cookie because she is considering repairing the monumental amount of damage that she did to someone else’s life? I don’t think so.
Excellent post…
it poses the question – should a guy try and get written permission before sex, or video it, so that later he can prove her consent?
~ Hell half the time a girl falsifies a rape claim there never even WAS any sex! I get your point though, but I don’t think either would stand up in a court. Then again, it did in the UK recently and the video wasn’t even of the sex act itself. So, I have no clue :)
You are so right. The amount of rape cases that go to court and the number of rapists that are punished is shockingly low, and girls (or guys, let’s not rule them out!) who cry rape do not help society’s view of rape as a sketchy issue. I would like to think that there are very few girls who do this, but sadly they get all of press.
xxxx
~ You’d like to hope so, but it’s sadly more common than it should be and for various reasons. None of them good or right.
I’m with you 100%. Just like there’s never any excuse for rape, there is also no excuse for false allegations of rape. Aside from damaging the credibility of actual rape victims, all the resources that are spent investigating false accusations are resources taken away from genuine victims, and only serve to overtax an already overburdened justice system. Girls who falsely accuse someone of rape should go to jail, or barring that, serve community service for organizations like WEAVE, so they can see who the real victims of their crimes are.
~ Credibility. That’s the word I was looking for but couldn’t find, thank you. And yes that is an effing brilliant idea. I wish it could become a reality. When some of these girls are turned out for their lies they still don’t “get it”. They don’t see past their bubble, they don’t always understand the lives they’ve ruined. And they especially can’t understand what geniune rape victims go through in trying to have someone believe them. If there were fewer false cries of rape perhaps there would be fewer women afraid to step forward and press charges.
I think a false accuser should face the exact same punishment the accused would have faced for the crimes accused of. I also think it should be charged and tried in a court of law. Not the media, and not public opinion. But by a jury and judge.
Salem witch trials?
I agree with you. The charges should be just as severe for lying about rape as they are for actually committing the crime.
As a male who is utterly horrified by the idea of ever forcing a woman into sex against her will, I’m equally horrified by the reports of women who lie about having been raped. I’m in agreement with you that filing a false charge of that sort should carry a fucking harsh penalty. Because you’re right — even if the truth DOES come out later, the male in the case is branded for a long time thereafter with the “rapist” label, no matter how undeserved. I want to shake these women and scream “WHAT THE HELL DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING?”
– PB
Having been raped and not believed, I still agree with you.
Ruining someone’s life by lying when you wake up and feel guilty for the previous night’s fumble is unacceptable.
I agree with you.
I have a cousin who had a situation come up. His brother, my step-cousin, was going through issues with his ex-wife. Ex-wife was making my extended families life hell and she decided she was going to be a real bitch. My aunt and uncle were at the time still keeping their grand daughter at times (ex-wife/ my step cousin’s daughter) and Ex-wife reported that my cousin was molesting the child who was 4 or 5 at the time I believe. So, he was investigated, as were my aunt and uncle so many times. He never inappropriately laid a hand on the girl and after weeks of interviews, background checks, investigations and more, they came to the conclusion that nothing wrong had happened between my cousin and the child. They live in an extremely small town and a lot of people found out about what was going on. My cousin was humiliated by what was going on, he was innocent, and ex-wife was just being a cunt. After the child said over and over that my cousin never did anything bad to her, ex-wife eventually said that she had been “mistaken” in her “assumptions” about what went on in my aunt and uncle’s household. Months later, she said she didn’t even think about the kind of trouble my cousin would have been in before she opened her mouth and lied. Did she get in trouble at all for her lies? No. My cousin was humiliated and had people looking at him like he was a sick freak (they live in a very small town where everyone knows everything about everyone) for months after that, even though it came to be that he was innocent of everything ex-wife had accused him of doing.
It’s wrong to wrongly accuse anyone of anything like that. Be it rape, molestation or any kind of abuse, sexual or otherwise. It can ruin someone’s life. If they had gotten someone who chose to believe ex-wife’s lies and not investigate into as much, he would have done jail time, become a sex offender and had his life fucked up over some vindictive bitches bullshit lies. It’s fucking wrong to do that to someone.
Are you familiar with the McMartin molestation allegations? That’ll get your blood boiling.
If there was a punishment in place for a false rape accusation few people would ever come clean. Isn’t it better to have the innocent man out of jail, even if that means the liar goes free?
The thing that always gets me is the girls who aren’t really clear about saying no. Someone I knew in college accused a guy of rape (I knew him as well). She didn’t press charges or anything, but just spread the word, and it was really mortifying to him. Between talking to her later and talking to him though, it sounds like what happened is that they were both drunk, and she said “this isn’t really a good idea, I think we should probably stop,” but kept kissing him, hands down his pants, etc. So, the sex just happened.
So then she felt really bad about it the next day and just jumped to “Well, I told him we should stop and he didn’t, that’s rape.” Honestly, I don’t think it is. If she would have stopped, he wouldn’t have forced her. Maybe he should have, but she should have too.
I think that happens more often then we want to believe, especially when there’s alcohol involved. Girls (and guys) who “say no” but then don’t stop themselves aren’t rape victims.
And anyone who cries rape when it didn’t happen? It’s a slap in the face to real rape victims.
People who lie about it do such a disservice to those women who really have suffered. Just the same as insurance frauds. A lesser example but, if caught, they are punished at least by a fine. The same should apply here.
It’s such a horrible thing to lie about. An accusation can ruin someone’s life. Rape is pretty black and white. You either forced someone to have sex with you against their will or you didn’t. A firm “NO!” means no. Having sex with a girl who’s passed out is also rape; unless she told you she wanted it, it’s against her will. There are no gray areas. Men who rape deserve to be put in prison with the “sisters” and forced to experience the same helpless assault.
I shouldn’t have to worry, right? Wrong. Well… not about a rape, but… sexual harassment? Oh yeah. I’ve known too many cases at work where someone gets reported to HR for a crude joke or … just using terminology that offends. I have certainly known a few assholes – guys who would leer at women in the office and audibly talk about their “tits” or ramble on about wanting to do this or that to her. These are the guys that warrant a harassment claim – someone who makes life miserable for that person … even thought they’ve been told to stop. It’s especially bad if it’s a person in authority.
I still worry, though, because “harassment” of this sort is often in the eye of the beholder. The majority of crude jokes I hear at work are told by women. They try to lure me in, but I always smile and walk way. There’s no way in hell I’m putting my job at risk. All it takes is someone who’s not overly fond of men overhearing bits and pieces of the conversation, taking things out of context and it’s yet another “ignorant male.” There’s one woman, in particular, who likes to flirt with me. Sexual comments, but you know… I’m fine with it. I don’t say anything back, but if I were offended… I owe her the courtesy of telling her before reporting her to HR and ruining her career. People who offend don’t always know they’re BEING offensive.
It can also be a generational thing. There was an older lady who worked for me years ago. A nice woman. I had a team of 20 – a mix of men and women. I had a habit of saying “boys and girls” and she pulled me aside one day and told me she found it incredibly demeaning to be referred to as a “girl.” Now… I thought she was being a little too politically correct, but I was still mortified to know that I had offended her. If someone at work bothers you, you need to tell them before escalating the situation. Give them the benefit of the doubt. If they don’t stop, then report their ass… but I’m constantly on guard because I don’t want to accidentally offend someone who won’t give me that courtesy. I like my income.
My opinion isn’t much different from those already expressed here, but I did want to share a little data. According to an article in Slate a couple months ago (http://www.slate.com/id/2231012/), studies have converged on an estimate of 8-10% of all rape accusations being false.
I agree 100%. You wanna know what blows my mind, though? It’s when people say that women don’t ever lie about rape. They’re either incredibly naive or stupid about women.