Feb 9, 2010

When Worlds Collide: Lilly vs. L

(This post originally appeared over at Edencafe. It appears here now in hopes it will bring more discussion.)

There are two sides to me. The Lilly you see online and the L that most others see in reality (and how I feel in reality). Sometimes there is a bleeding of the edges betwixt the two worlds and I am gaining comfort in that happening more. This isn’t to say that Lilly is a contrived persona. In fact, not at all. Lilly is what L truly is under the surface. Lilly is the no-holds-barred version of L. There are most definitely pixels shared between the two. A Venn diagram, if you will. The better I know someone and the more comfortable I am with them, the more Lilly and L meld together as almost one.

I don’t mind people staring at Lilly because it’s all virtual and I can control it. But in the stark lights of reality, L feels scrutinized. L says “Don’t look at me”. Lilly says “Oh hey, its naked time? Wait for me!”.

I think that the Lilly you see on Twitter is really more of a meld than most other places. Granted, a lot of L isn’t shared there but it’s much more of an equality of the two. Would L have the cohones to say to a just-introduced guy “Well HELL-o cute boy!!”? Nope. And will Lilly let her Eeyore side out online? As little as fucking possible, thank you. I think the matter at hand is this: how much more Lilly does L need to absorb into her public persona? For I know damn well she could stand more than she’s got.

Ya know why?

Because L needs a goddamn date, that’s why. L needs to move onwards and upwards and find a guy or girl who’s somewhere in between side dish and main course.

And Lilly is way more date-able. No, not because she’s got a bit of teh slut, but because she’s confident and happy-but-snarky (usually, unless she’s pissed off because SOME men think her every sentence must be met with “witty” innuendo-laden replies). But I have news for ya boys: L/Lilly doesn’t fuck on the first date anymore. Sorry, day late and fifty dollars short.

When I posted on my blog a few months ago about my flaws, it was the first time that readers really saw more of L. And I was scared to put that out there! Sometimes I feel like this anonymous blogging / dual-personality shit is fraudulent. I mean, it’s not - not one bit of Lilly the personality/person is a lie. But I know that L isn’t very shiny and sparkly a lot of the time anymore and that can be a bit of a bummer. I’ve met a few people offline that knew me as Lilly for awhile and I do believe they ended up disappointed with L. I can’t say as I blame them either. Lilly is who I would be all the time if I were surrounded by friends/family/co-workers just like those of you that I know online; Lilly is who I would be without my neurosis.

So what is this? A crisis of identity? Multiple personalities disorder? Split brain? Split pea soup? One thing I do know is that I’m learning about myself in ways that I didn’t expect when I started the blog. I am more self-aware than ever before. Some days it’s a painful awareness but most days it’s a good thing. I can’t tell you the number of times I want to open my mouth and say “Holy shit! I just did XYZ!!!” and it of course related to this blog or e[lust] – and I have to clam up. For the first time I have money now to do a few things, because of my sites. Can I tell anybody? Nope. Can I tell anybody how rockin’ my site design was? Nope. None of my family even knows that I have gone to NYC *at all*, and I’ve gone 3 times since starting this blog. It was very hard for me in the weeks leading up to my November NYC trip to spend time with bloggy friends and attend the NYC Sex Bloggers Calendar Party to have to constantly lie about exactly why I was going to NYC (to the few people I told). I tested the waters once, and when someone asked me what all I was going to do there I listed off a few things and one of them was “see a Burlesque show”.

Silence.

Confusion.

“……what’s ‘burlesque’???”

I tried a few vanilla, simple explanations and when the look of confusion just expounded with each word out of my mouth I finally gave up.

“Nevermind. I’m going to see a show and it’s nowhere near Broadway.”

And that, my friends, was the last time Lilly opened her mouth in L’s world.

All text and images on this site require permission before they can be used anywhere. To obtain permission, email dangerouslilly @ gmail.com

Feb 9, 2010

Posted by Lilly | 2 Comments

Valentine’s Day: What will you be forced to do?

Valentine’s Day. I’m married now, so I have no right to bitch about it, right?

Wrong.

I hate sitting there on V-day at work, watching others get flowers, and wondering why I didn’t.

I know why. It’s because I hate having him spend the money on something that’ll die soon. And I hate that whole forced-recognition thing.

But then I see flowers like these and I slightly change my mind:

The ever-popular chocolates are also, IMO, stupid. No I’m not saying I’d turn down chocolates (even though my ass tells me I should) it’s just that they’re so briefly enjoyed. I prefer something long-lasting like a card. He’s not been able to buy me jewelry for V-day ever because we’ve never had enough disposable income.

What does he get, you ask? A really nice meal that I cook. And sex. Unless we’re too knackered by the food and the sex has to be put off a day. We don’t EVER go out for V-day because we don’t enjoy crowds or over-priced meals that are being shoved out too quickly or sitting on the pass for too long which results in poor quality for too much money.

So buy a nice card and more importantly write nice things in it. Or you could make up the “world’s greatest lover” spoof newscast thing from Wet (the lube people). Yes, it’s cheesy, but it’ll raise his spirits and his flag.

All text and images on this site require permission before they can be used anywhere. To obtain permission, email dangerouslilly @ gmail.com

Feb 8, 2010

Posted by Lilly | 11 Comments

Backseat Orgasms

“I parked in the garage today. Top floor.”

That was all Office Boy’s email said. While I had a pretty decent idea why he was telling me this, I decided to play coy and I asked him why.

“Meet me inside the elevator lobby up there at 12, and you’ll find out.”

“Will I need my coat? It’s pretty cold out there, you know. Where are we going?”

“No coat. Not going anywhere. You’ll see….just be quiet and enjoy ;)”

And so the morning progressed as it usually did on days like that. Flirts and looks and words strung together made my breathe catch and heart race. He had me squirming and wet. I contemplated putting the bullet vibrator in but as soon as I mentioned that idea to him he said no…not “yet”. When he told me to bring the vibrator with me on lunch break, I knew for certain his full intent.

When I stepped out of the elevator onto the top floor of the garage I was happy to see that at least the dark and cloudy sky was calm; I hadn’t brought an umbrella. He was standing a few feet away, waiting on me. Suddenly I felt like I was in high school and I flashed back to uncomfortable, frustrating backseat sessions. Thankfully the car he was leading me to was a nice sized SUV. He unlocked it with one of those keychain buttons and grinned at me as he held the back door open. I smiled and shook my head in partial disbelief as I climbed in first and slid across the bench seat. I glanced out a few windows and could see two buildings taller than ours nearby.

“I wonder if any of those people inside happened to be looking out and saw us get in?”

He smiled and said “I hope so” as he pulled me in hard for a long kiss.

This was a moment that we hadn’t experienced yet – (somewhat limited) privacy, a lesser chance of being caught. Time. As the rain started, that chance of being caught together lessened even more. We knew this and broke the kiss for a quick giggle at our luck.

His hand quickly slid from my throat to my collarbone and lingered for a soft sweep across the top of my breasts before one hand continued down to cup my breast inside my bra. His thumb flicked my hard nipple a few times and I gasped while his tongue was in my mouth. Some quick teenage-like fumbling occurred as our hands and arms tangled in our hurry; I unbuttoned the top two buttons of my v-neck sweater and shoved my other bra cup down to fully expose the breast that his hand wasn’t busy with and he quickly followed my lead with the side of the bra in his possession. Foreheads pressed together, lips not quite touching, we both slowed down to do just one thing.

He pinched one nipple lightly; I said “harder”.

He pinched harder and I said “yesss…fuck”.

His other hand joined my other breast and he whispered “God you have such beautiful tits” right before he pinched both nipples *hard*, which elicited a squeak and a moan from me.

We kissed lightly and without focus, both a sensual act and maddening at the same time. More, I needed more.

In a blur I was on my knees on the seat, straddling his leg, his mouth latched onto one nipple and his fingers hunting for the key to undoing my dress pants. Before I could think to offer help I felt his cool, rough fingers finding out just how wet I was. He massaged my clit as I shamefully pressed my cunt harder against his hand but this wasn’t a good angle. Not with pants. I wasn’t sure it was a smart idea, but they had to go.

As my pants came off the bullet vibrator fell out of my pocket; his eyes lit up when he saw it. At the same moment I remembered how he had wished in the past that he could hear me as I came those times in the bathroom for him, or better yet he wished to hear me come in a place I didn’t have to grasp for the strength to be quiet. With my panties left on I put the bullet in its traditional location, nestled between my very slippery cunt lips and the cord threaded up and out the top of my panties. The snug stretchy fabric held the bullet in place despite all the slippery juices, so that when I turned it on I was rewarded with perfect vibrations thrumming away on my clit.

I told him to kiss me and as he did my hand found that very tempting bulge in his pants; aftera minute or so I finally moved from rubbing and teasing through the fabric to his belt buckle but he stopped me.

“No, right now is just about you and if your hand is on my cock I won’t be able to hold to that.”

“That’s not fair to you, though!” I protested and I meant it.

“Oh you’re not going home tonight until I come. By 5, everybody will be cleared out of this level” and he grinned at his foolproof little plan.

I considered teasing him more and making him think I wouldn’t be able to meet up again, but I’m not that mean and I really needed to come. A funny thing happens when I find myself in situation like this – disheveled state of partial undress, a morning of teasing and arousal, a cute guy kissing me and pinching me in exactly the right ways with one of my favorite vibrators buzzing away on my clit……I act like a bitch in heat. In between kisses I nearly begged him to fill my cunt somehow, some way. His fingers pushed my panties aside just enough and in went 1….2….3 fingers with the heel of his palm pushing against the bullet. I ended up writhing and humping his hand as I whispered “almost” which prompted his free hand to pinch a nipple and his lips to travel to my neck, to that perfect spot.

He later told me I was loud when I came, loud and beautiful with eyes closed and filthy words and moans pouring from me while my cunt spasmed and clenched around his fingers.

I couldn’t wait to try to return the favor at 5pm.

All text and images on this site require permission before they can be used anywhere. To obtain permission, email dangerouslilly @ gmail.com

Feb 5, 2010

Posted by Lilly | 27 Comments

Isn’t it Ironic

You know how sometimes you don’t realize something as being true until it comes falling out of your mouth with no premeditated thought? Writing is like that, for me. It can be how I work shit out. So I handed in a few posts to Edencafe recently and they decided to run with my little theme and post them all on the same day. It’s Dangerous Lilly Day!

Baby steps this week, one day for lunch I chose a green salad with a half cup of tuna salad on top, and a cup of light yogurt. Two months ago would have found me having the reuben. Was the tunasalad the best choice, when you consider the mayo? Probably not but I didn’t use dressing, and I just can’t eat naked greens. I’m sorry, I can’t make drastic changes and expect it to stick. I bought myself another gelato pint last night at the store. Combine a somewhat-humorous threat by my hub and my own attempt at convictions and I ate only 1/4 of the container.

Then this morning in my email I see a pingback hit on an old post that was basically food porn, where I waxed romantic about Fettucine Alfredo and perhaps grilled cream cheese sandwiches, featuring photos of gorgeous decadent food that I love. Food that I don’t eat every day or even every week. But oh horrors of horrors it’s a FATTY talking about her love of good food. I can’t do that, it’s “disgusting” or so this man claim. I will not link to his post here, I did on Twitter but I won’t give him traffic from this site. He linked to that post and he (without asking of course) re-posted yesterday’s HNT photo.

“She is a blogger who talks about her sex life and how she loves being a fat ass. I will admit that some of her stuff is pretty sexy…until you see her”. He goes on to show that photo and says how the rest of me “must be a mess” and invited his readers to try and find a photo of my ass as proof, he claims to have spent 5 minutes searching but apparently couldn’t stomach any more. Funny, isn’t it, that my statcounter shows he spent a lot more than 5 minutes saw a lot of photos. He didn’t *read* anything recent though because he says that “Being fat isn’t healthy. It isn’t a lifestyle choice. It is just laziness.” I’m listed as his Freak of the Day because I both aroused him and disgusted him. I feel bad for him, kinda. I bet he feels guilty when he jerks off 3 times a day, too, and isn’t dating. Most of his site is based on making himself feel better by finding other people to rip apart.

Anyways.

These posts at Edencafe? I’m kinda proud of these but oh be ready for a little conflict in inner voices ;) I’d appreciate hearing your thoughts on these, either here or there.

From the post “Caring about Myself“:

I’m saying I care. About me. About not scaring those who love me and worry about my health. About not wanting to be in such pain and if taking better care of myself health-wise might have an affect on the pain, then it’s damn well time to step up and do it. I have to.

From the post “Pleasure in Food: Finding a balance between yum and healthy“:

Fat, glorious fat. It gives flavor, it gives divine texture. Food that you enjoy with every fiber of your being, food that makes you involuntarily say “Yummmmm” as you eat. Food being referred to as “better than sex”. Foodgasm, my favorite word. Food, glorious food. It makes mouths happy, it makes *brains* happy because of the endorphin rush or whatever. At least to me and those I call favorite people!

And then I got really angry when I started thinking about diet foods. From the post “Foods, Force feminized!”:

Put on your thinking caps here, close your eyes and imagine all the yogurt commercials you’ve seen recently.
Got it?
Now then – where are the men?
Oh look, there’s a man – wait, no, not really. He’s eavesdropping on his wife’s ambiguous phone conversation about yogurt-porn and all these gorgoeous flavors she’s eaten lately. Key Lime Pie! Apple Turnovers! And, I’m losing weight! Where’s hubby? Like the dipshit that media plays him up to be, he’s digging through the fridge looking for these yummy desserts and oh teehee he’s like totally not getting it that it’s really the yogurt right in front of him that she’s talking about! Oh, the hilarity. Silly man. Yogurt is for girls!

Edit: You can’t change mean people, you can’t make them see the light.

All text and images on this site require permission before they can be used anywhere. To obtain permission, email dangerouslilly @ gmail.com

Feb 5, 2010

Posted by Lilly | Comments Off

NYC Sex Blogger Calendar is recruiting nationwide!

Reposted from the New York City Sex Bloggers Calendar website, which you should go check out because yours truly designed the header and the new sidebar buttons and I’m totally proud of them. :)

Amazing artwork, Map of Canada and the US, by Oupelay on DeviantArt, please check out the rest of his fantastic gallery.

You’ve just flipped the January page on your 2010 Sex Blogger Calendar, whispered a fond farewell to the lovely Mia Martina, and greeted the awesome Abiola Abrahms, who graces February’s page, and here I am about to talk to you about 2011. If it seems early to you, you’re not alone; it seems early to me too. But 2011 is going to be a bigger and better year, hopefully for all of us, and certainly for this amazing project that started as a whim, a fun project with friends that would benefit our sex positive community, one balmy summer night.

Many of you, after seeing our fabulous calendar or coming to our kick-ass launch party, expressed an interest in being a model. We heard you and we want to give you the opportunity to be even more involved. So for 2011, we’re going NATIONAL! Yes, you heard it right, the NYC SexBlogger Calendar wants to be even more inclusive in 2011. We want any sex positive blogger/internet personality - male, female, gay, straight, queer, trans, any race, any orientation, any size - who writes/podcasts/video blogs about sex or sexuality to feel free to submit a photo. While our 2010 models are free to submit a photo, we’d like nothing better than to get thirteen brand new faces and their accompanying hot bods. I’ll get into those details in a moment, but that’s not the only change we’ve made.

For the last two years, the calendar proceeds have gone to Sex Work Awareness and allowed them to fund Speak Up!, a one day seminar in 2009 that expanded to a weekend in 2010. We are so proud to have provided the funding for those events. Megan Andelloux, in her fight with the town of Pawtucket, RI to open her adult sex education facility, The Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health, used the training she received last year which helped her win battle and CSPH is now open for business. This year, we’re thrilled to announce that the funds raised by the calendar will go to WFF.

We’ve known of and been supportive of WFF but when we met and talked with the board members and advisory committee of WFF at their fundraiser, a diverse group including the fabulous Carol Queen, we were really impressed with them, their professionalism and their goals. WFF has a broader focus than SWA and we want our little calendar to benefit all kinds of sexual freedom. In changing core attitudes, defining sexual freedom as a basic human right, sex workers too will reap benefits.

Now, how do you submit a photo and what is expected if we pick you to be in the 2011 calendar?