Sep 132009
 

Another Suburban Mom did a “Flawed” HNT this past week and asked others to join.

I, obviously, did not.

And why not?


Well, this confession is as much as you’ll get from me for the time being.


I couldn’t participate. I was not brave enough. And I also wouldn’t have been able to pick anything out. The truth is…..*sigh* this is hard for me to admit here. I’m afraid you’ll all think less of me. Ok here goes: I see flaws everywhere.

(god that felt like “I see dead people”)

All those who comment here are so wonderful and participating in HNT has helped me. I have been reminded by those that love me that others do not see me as I do, others are not as harsh. I am my own worst critic.

*I hate my weight. I am fat, I am obese. You do not see it all, I am not brave enough to show it each week. I hide it away. I am deeply ashamed of it. My weight contributes to many flaws, if I were not obese, they would not exist.
*But even without the weight, I’ve never had a flat belly. Always a chub there. But now with the excess weight it is my most hated spot.
*I hate my round cheeks. Even when I was thin, they were round and full. Now my whole face and neck is.
*I hate the skin around my eyes. It’s too dark, and it took me a very long time to find a decent enough makeup to cover it. I won’t leave the house without that.
*My complexion – ever since I went off hormonal birth control, I cannot control my breakouts.
*My hair – again, result of that birth control drop, I lost some right up front. You can see my scalp through it. The rest is thin and fine. Won’t hold a curl very long.
*My upper lip – lower one is great, the upper is out of proportion.
*My smile – at least when I smile “with teeth” which I only do when laughing and I try not to let it show. You don’t end up seeing much teeth and it just looks…weird. Awkward. My smile is not one that lights up a room.
*My nipples – well specifically the areola. (is that spelled right?) As my breasts grew, so did they. They’re very large. I worry that if/when I lose my excess weight and my breasts shrink, that they won’t.
*My breasts – yes, I’ll hear about this one. You all love them so. I think they’re too large, too fatty, not perky, etc. I could wear prettier bras if I were smaller.I love my cleavage, I love the full mounds of my breasts when they’re supported.
*My cunt – I feel my outter labia are too full and fat. Were they better when I was thinner? I don’t know, I didn’t masturbate much then. They hide my clit away, they hide everything.
*My inner thighs – well, I won’t even say on here after all these confessions why I hate them but I suspect it’s a result of my weight.


I fake it sometimes, my confidence. Sometimes I feel sexy. But then sometimes I really don’t. Sometimes I want to cry when I look in the mirror at my naked self, or see the HNT reject photos that show me looking humongous. And sometimes I do cry. Sometimes I wish for a magical knife to slice it all off. Sometimes I feel like a fraud, with the photos I post.

I really do. But I’m too cowardly to show the flaws. And it makes me a bad person.


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  • http://tiwiwtw.wordpress.com rage

    We all have our insecurities. What you find as your insecurities I wish I had. I do not see your pictures as unsexy as all. They are real and down to earth.

  • http://twbuddha.blogspot.com Buddha

    I’d have to say… this is you at your most beautiful.

    We’re all flawed in many ways, but few are as honest as you were just now.

    It’s a stunning post from a stunning girl. I’m impressed.

  • amber

    We’re all flawed, and we all have things we wish we could change about our appearance. It’s okay to hide those feelings, and it’s okay to show them. You have to do what you feel comfortable with. I know this might not mean much coming from someone who doesn’t know you very well (or maybe it will mean much more because of it) but I find you to be a beautiful lady full of many qualities. Not showing your “flaws” doesn’t make you a coward, it doesn’t make you a fake or a bad person – it makes you human. Oh and just so you know…a lot of the “flaws” you listed above, I have the same issues with. Imagine that…two girls with similar body issues. I bet nearly every woman who reads this will find something on your list that they too are dealing with. So are we all flawed ladies, are we a group of imperfection? Maybe we are, or maybe because of that we’re just us – raw and beautiful, just needin to learn and accept it.

    Great post. This was brave, *not* the post of a “coward”.

  • Sashayman

    Your post today produces sadness for I understand from whence you come–a place of abundant suffering. Masks of feigned confidence are mine too.

    Your post today produces glee for I commend you for your courage to publish these ruminations. I am cowardly; without such bravery.

    It is my wish today that you realize that your beauty lies in your words, beauty that eclipses the bindings of the conventional views of physical attractiveness. Your words and insights are real; they distinguish you; and define you.

    Peace & compassion be with you—and most especially may they reside permanently within you.

  • Red

    I hear what you are saying. We have many of the same thoughts. We are really new at this sexy blog thing, but it allows us to step out of normal insecurities, anonymously. We are drawn to people like you who are…. Just like us.

  • http://erotiterrorist.blogspot.com/ shon

    I went through my similar issues with HNT too. Once I started dividing my body out into images I really became self conscious of how I looked. One thing I realized is that anonymous mini-pictures of myself didn’t convey my sense of humor, my personality or attitudes.

    I think you would be surprised on how common your feelings are. I stopped doing HNT and it helped my self esteem immensely lol.

  • http://lovelylilikka.blogspot.com/ Lilikka

    Just discussing what you feel are your flaws is brave and not cowardly in the least. But honestly, I think you’re a beautiful person, not just on the outside, but inside as well, which is where it counts more, anyway. I wish I had the courage you do to post pictures of myself at all!

  • http://twitter.com/leighj Leigh

    My wife is heavy has been since I have known her. With the meds she’s been on over the years she gained a LOT of weight, lost hair (chemotherapy drugs), has breakouts and has biopsy scars. With all of this she’s struggled with her body image with the changes the struggle has been defeating. But it’s truly an inner beauty that makes her the most wonderful person in the world. Does she doubt? Does she break down and cry? Yes…

    We all are hyper critical of our bodies… I know I am… I’ve got a beer gut, I’m hairy and just generally out of shape. I had a friend who was much younger than me, and simply drop dead gorgeous and she would come up to me and rub my belly and say that’s my buddah belly. I still to this day smile when I think of it.

    Back a few years ago I took a picture of my wife. It was a little blurry, and was taken without the thought of a pose and a simple giggle. It shows her weight but more importantly is shows her spirit. Much like the picture above, which is gorgeous, it shows a beautiful person.

    Your post was one of brutal honesty something that many would never share. You are more than what you believe and if you need some time to vent to be self critical that’s ok to. We’re human, we reach perfection with by our flaws. You are a beautiful girl!

  • http://dangerousliaisons-aurore.blogspot.com/ Aurore

    First, it needs to be said that you are beautiful both inside and out and so brave to write this post. We are all hyper-critical of ourselves, I think it’s just part of human nature.

    Second, I am terrified half the time that I post a HNT pic wondering if people will notice there is just a little too much curve, too much flesh, too much fat to say anything kind. I am terrified people think, “how did she let herself get that way” or “why doesn’t she do something about it”. I too have often thought of a magical knife or even just wishing I could pull the extra weight off…all this to say, you are not alone in this – others feel this too.

    *hugs*

  • http://www.coypink.com Coy Pink

    Love you so much, sweet Lilly. Flaws and all. Wish I could hug all the hurt away.

  • http://longingsend.wordpress.com mina

    this is so many ways of wrong. Yes we are our worst critics. And I can tell you how beautiful you are till the cows come home, but only you can convince you. we all have our own flaws. We are all hard on ourselves about things. My hair is extremely fine and thin. Sometimes I wish it were full and beautiful. I am limited to how I can cut and style my hair because of it. I’m still looking for my perfect haircut. I also hat my cunt lips. The outers are big and I don’t like the look of them, they remind me of a chicken beak lol. My smile could use some improving as well. I think my front teeth are almost a little “bucky”. I battle with my weight daily. I am not obese, but I am overweight for my height. It’s my tummy I really want to lose and that is also the hardest part to lose too.

    I don’t think you are a bad person at all. Everyone does their best to look their best on their blogs. Do you know how many pics Sylvanus takes for our HNTs? I am so picky on what I’ll actually show. You should never feel like a fraud. In reality we all are if that’s your theory and not by pictures alone. Even what we choose to include or exclude as written content can make us frauds.

    I think you are a wonderful person. *hugs*

  • mrs. m

    you don’t know me, but i just wanted to say i understand.

    in almost every way.

    i participated, but it was fucking hard. my husband said i was sexy and brave. i think he’s full of shit. i look at my picture and wonder how on earth he could want to fuck that, let alone find it sexy?

    head up, lady. you’re beautiful. the fact that you posted your flaws with words proves it.

  • http://sexyrunners.blogspot.com IM @ Sexy Runners

    I have always enjoyed your posts. But with this one I think more of you than ever before. Not brave enough? This post alone is brave. Yes we don’t know you personally so you can hide behind anonymity but you are still putting yourself out there for us.

    You are not a bad person. You are staying true to yourself and allowing us to take a peak into your life. I read your blog header and you are giving us everything you said you would.

  • http://1frameatatime.blogspot.com/ T

    Miss Lily (or should that be Mrs now), I have been a reader of your blog for quite a while now and love your thoughts, your feelings, your stories and your pictures.

    After reading your lastest entry I feel even more of a connection with you… I too carry too much weight and I also fake the confidence that others see but thanks to you and your blog and your photos I have gained the courage and confidence to take photos of my own… as yet not to post on my blog but I have sent them to my lover.

    So thank you for your wonderful blog and being you… and never stop.

  • http://www.betweenmysheets.com Rori

    I understand every word of this post. Completely.

  • blueyeguy

    Lil,

    You are way to hard on yourself.

    No, you are not perfect – is anyone posting on this board? We all have faults – some things we can correct and some not.

    You have so many positive qualities – physically and personally. What about those wonderful lips? Your alluring eyes, the way your hair cascades around and frames your face is erotic, sexy, beautiful.

    Yes, you have big boobs and nipples and that is a nice feature. But it certainly isn’t the only one nor the greatest asset you have.

    We, your loyal friends & followers, love you for you and all that you are. No physical ‘flaw’ is going to change that. Period.

    Blue

  • http://britisstillshameless.blogspot.com Britni TheVadgeWig

    You are anything but a bad person. Does being “cowardly” make you bad? No! Of course not. But I think you’re braver than you give yourself credit for. For example, this post. This was SUCH a brave post. Really and truly. You admitted out loud some very personal things.

    This blogging world of ours is very interesting. I only know of you what it is that you choose to show. But what you do choose to show is so much more revealing than simply a photo of something would be. You fillet yourself open and show us what others CANNOT see. The things that are not so obvious. And we love you for that, and we like you for who you are inside. Just like I’m sure we’d see the beauty in the outside, too, if you wanted to share it with us.

    But it’s also important to do what feels comfortable to you. Maybe the response you get to this post will give you the courage to expose something else later on. And maybe not. Don’t push yourself further than you’re ready to go, but remember that we love you for the beauty that exists inside. The external beauty, whether you see it as such or not, is just an added bonus.

    In fact, I think our flaws are what make us even more beautiful. You’re fantastic. And anything but a coward. And not even close to a bad person. You’re simply human.

  • wifegonebad

    Wow – I think you were even more brave making a list of what you don’t like about yourself than only putting up a picture. But believe me, you are so not alone. I’ve known drop dead gorgeous women and men who can even find flaws in themselves and it is shocking – and sad – but maybe it’s merely human. That being said – and for what it’s worth – I think you are scrumptious!

  • http://hubmanshangout.wordpress.com hubman

    Many of the comments above mine convey what I’d like to say to you.

    You’re beautiful, “flaws” and all, and I have tremendous respect you. But you know that I’ve been fond of you for quite some time ;-)

  • http://www.jsgotgame.blogspot.com Sage

    Well it has all already been said it appears
    So I’ll say ditto.

  • psykotedy

    I think you’re far too hard on yourself. Seriously, your cheeks and upper lip? I can definitely weigh in on those: you’re wrong, and I’ll argue with you on that until the day I die. (I’ll refrain from arguing with you about your breasts simply because you already know EVERYBODY loves them.)

    As far as having insecurities, I completely understand that. I think everybody has them (and the ones who “know” they look great are usually large-size assholes, so you wouldn’t really want to be lumped in with them anyway). You post pics in the face of those insecurities, which takes incredible bravery. I admire you greatly for that.

  • http://naughtysecretary.wordpress.com Naughty Secretary

    Darling, I’m one of the very few readers that has had the pleasure of meeting you in the flesh, and you are beautiful, inside and out.

  • http://rtws.blogspot.com Emmy

    You are brave.
    You are beautiful…holy shit, are you beautiful.
    You aren’t fake – not at all – quite the opposite really.
    We are our own worst critics. We have too much time in front of mirrors, trying to make our body fit the image we have of it. And getting upset and frustrated when it won’t. We could all, when looking hard enough, make a list similar to yours. But, ironically, other people rarely see the “flaws” that we do. They only see, in your case, the beauty of the woman who fascinates, educates, titillates, and brings them joy.

  • Hot Momma

    I have only been following you a short while, I admire your honesty and the way you feel…
    I will not tell you what you want to hear, because as someone else stated, only you can make yourself feel better.
    I am traveling along the same paths as you both physically and spiritually, I feel your pain immensely.
    But along the way we will discover some things about ourselves that reveal our beauty that cannot be described. Please be kind and patient to yourself while you are learning these things about yourself and allow the transition to filter into your aura…
    You are amazing…I would like to see your next post, be the things that YOU LOVE about yourself….

  • Sexy @ Forty

    This was a great post. You are very brave for posting this. I love all your hnt pictures and I love your writing. I did not post the flawed one either, mainly cause the average person would know me if they read, but also because I hate them. I see nothing but flaws when I look in the mirror, and I hate that.

  • http://blue-eyedvixen.com/ Vixen

    Oh honey….we ALL have our insecurities. And while I could try to settle all yours and guffaw them away….that is not what would make you feel better. Bc they are *yours*. YOU *feel* them.

    So brave for posting this. *hugs*

    xoxoxo

  • Amy

    I’m not sure that I can add anything poignant to the comments that have already been made, and I know that nothing that we say will stop you thinking that all of those things are flaws.

    But you should know that we all like, admire, desire you for who you actually are, for all the things you *do* reveal, for your bravery in posting this, and for a million other reasons.

    And while we’d think no less of you if you were to post pictures of your so-called ‘flaws’, and would still think you are beautiful, we understand why you choose not to, and that’s okay too :)

    You’re your own worst enemy!!

    xxxxx

  • http://vanillamom.wordpress.com Nilla

    Lilly,

    I’m an old broad, overweight, and finding my kink while stuck in a Nilla life.

    And I did my first HNT last week. I’ve thought every day about taking them down. Being post menopause…my nips stare at my feet.sigh. I hate how floppy they are. The wrinkles that have started under my neck. URGH!!! but, but, but….

    everyone else here has said it sooooo eloquently so I won’t repeat except to say…you ARE beautiful. i AM beautiful. our beauty is that brilliant light inside that lets us shine,even when we try to shutter our bodies away ….

    let your light shine on, sweet Lilly!

    c’mon over to my website and have a giggle at 50 yo boobies! lol!

    hugs’n more hugs!
    Nilla

  • http://vanillamom.wordpress.com Nilla

    oh, it’s vanillamom.wordpress.com

  • http://sunshineonmytoes.blogspot.com jennybean

    Pretty sure you just described my body in full. And short stumpy legs and chubby baby hands to that list and you’ve got it. I find HNT helps, and I am glad you are finding that too. Hopefully someday you will find the courage to post any part you want to. Until then, do as you are comfortable.

  • jesz

    Even though this isn’t a “sexy” post, this is definitely one that you needed to have up here. Things like this show you as a person too. Regardless of what faults you find in your image, I still like your blog because not only do I find you attractive, but you use full sentences, proper grammar, and intelligent wording. Hide whatever faults you see in the mirror or show them off, but I’m still gonna follow your blog because its not just sexy, but smart too.

  • http://mslilyseroticroundtable.blogspot.com/ Ms.Lily

    Except for the fact that I have very thick hair, too thick and frizzy, I fit the description and no matter how many hnt comments I get or how many times my hubby tells me I am beautiful, I can’t see it. Add on the fact that I have had three kids!! so I have the mommy pouch and my boobs have been stretched to the max. Plus, I am old enough to have a son turning 20 in a week!!
    Doing hnt has given me a chance to find the little things that do make me feel good about myself. Not all the time but for the moment I feel some thing I don’t day to day.
    <3 <3 you are amazing & very brave <3 <3

  • MarriedWithSexToys

    Thank you for sharing this very honest post with all of us. I don’t think you are a bad person for trying to hide the flaws otherwise we would all be bad people.
    Thanks again for sharing.

  • http://ravenquince.wordpress.com Raven Quince

    I think my degree is in physical self-loathing. It comes from a childhood filled with taunts that made me hyper-critical. For seven years I was deemed the “fat” kid, though photos from that time clearly show I wasn’t. It branded me. For most of my adult life, I’ve hated how I looked no matter if my weight was up or down. I’ve questioned my husband countless times how he could possibly love this body that I hold in such contempt. And now, as I age, it betrays me again. I share your pain. So many of us do.

  • Tech Reader

    Few people (other than actors) think that they, themselves, look good. You’ve gone off on yourself, but I suspect that your enormous, gigantic, PLAINLY OBVIOUS FLAWS are in reality quite minor, the sort of thing that we all, each and every one of us, feel. Cut yourself some slack; the rest of us are obsessing over our OWN flaws, and won’t spend a whole lot of time criticizing you for yours.

    You’re FAT, you say, OBESE! OK. I detest the Kate Moss/anorexic/concentration camp survivor look. Women are supposed to be curvy. I suspect that you’d be right in my “comfort zone” if you wandered by.

    Big soft breasts, big pouty labia? Oh, YEAH, Baby! You’re singing my song! (In fact, you could be describing my beloved wife of 30+ years.)

    And no, I’m not a freak; or if I am, I’m in good company. Read the “Rose is Rose” comic strip for a while; Jimbo keeps offering Rose candy and imagining her as substantially heavier than she is. Any trait depicted in cartoon-space is at least common enough to be mocked.

    Enough. Don’t dwell on your flaws without at least MENTIONING your strengths. Unless your intended career is on the stage or in film, your weight probably won’t me a major factor in your overall attractiveness.

    Be nice to yourself!

  • A

    I wish my girlfriend would believe me when I tell her she’s not ugly. I wish she could believe that she was sexy. I wish I knew what I could possibly say to a woman to make her understand that. I’ve never seen you but I’m sure your body is actually pretty damned okay, just like all the other self-loathing women out there… no, you’re not Cindy bloody Crawford, but you’re not bloody ugly either. You’re normal. Just normal. It’s okay to wish you were Cindy Crawford but don’t lose sight of the fact that in reality, you are not ugly, you are NORMAL, and the men who tell you you’re attractive, are NOT lying to make you feel better; take it from a man who’s never met you and never will and who’s been in the same situation. Normal women ARE attractive, they’re supposed to be, it’s how the species propagates… Does the media teach women to hate themselves like this, or is it somehow natural?

  • http://trifledreamz.blogspot.com adamantixx

    like many of us, especially women, you’re being far too hard on yourself…nothing anybody can say is likely to change your mind but just remember that what others see is not the same as what you see in the mirror yourself…you’re beautful.

  • http://vanillaimpaired.com vanimp

    You are beautiful inside and out and I don’t care I’m saying it. We all have flaws or imperfections we see in ourselves but others don’t see them as flaws. I struggle alot and actually had no idea until the following day that was the theme last week. I’m still too afraid to reveal all and probably never will. I understand the angst but the thing is you ARE beautiful. xxx

  • http://thetoygeek.blogspot.com ToyGeek

    You’re far braver than me and you’re certainly not a bad person for having insecurities or any other feelings. Sometimes I think I let myself get overweight on purpose just to avoid getting entangled in a relationship, because I saw all dating opportunities as a hassle at best, and all relationships as ultimately doomed. Now I hate my body and would never show a square inch of it to anyone, especially online, where I don’t even have to show my face. So what does that make me, if you’re judging yourself for hiding your perceived flaws?

    I applaud all of you brave people who do post pictures. You rock. I hope someday I’m as comfortable in my own skin as you are in yours.

  • isis

    I think your lovely.

    I hate looking at myself.

    I would love to do HNT.

    I am not brave enough to even start.

  • Bill

    Unfortunately, anything I say here will have little effect on how you “see” yourself, because beauty is in the eye of the beholder and “reality” is in a person’s mind. But here goes anyway.

    A man (at least THIS man) sees (and FOCUSES on) what he WANTS to see. My ex-wife gained a lot of weight toward the end of our marriage, and it bothered her. When she was naked with me, I saw the GOOD effects – her bigger tits, which I LOVED!

    My first girlfriend after I left my marriage was heavy and hated her body. At first she wouldn’t even let me see her naked. When she’d get out of bed, she would make me close my eyes. She felt her 38DD breasts were unattractive. She was SOOOO wrong. I LOVED the way they sagged, and she finally realized that I was being COMPLETELY honest and SAW how much I liked them! She is now with a wonderful man who also sees the beauty in her luscious tits.

    My lady is GORGEOUS. She worries that she doesn’t have the figure she used to have. I understand that she is a little heavier. The photos of her with her youthful 36D’s were nice, but I MUCH prefer her current 36DDD’s! She wishes her tits were “perky,” but I assure her I LOVE how they hang!!! And with her true self inside, I LOVE this woman! Her sexy body is just VERY delicious icing on the cake!

    I LOVE big saggy tits. Natural big tits (I hate implants!) HAVE to sag because they ARE natural. And that is actually part of the beauty in them! Personally I also love LARGE areolas! On the internet, when I would first start talking to a woman, I wanted to know their bra size and also the diameter of their areolas. They thought that was a very unusual question, but it was very important to me. Small areolas (especially on big breasts) are a turn-off for me. The bigger the better! So your description of your tits sounds like perfection to me!

    Everyone has flaws – usually MANY! Why is it that women tend to focus on their flaws. Why are you so HARD on yourself? :( Men REALLY focus on a woman’s assets. And once you get to know the REAL person inside, the outer appearance isn’t as nearly important! Don’t you agree, when you think about how you feel about men?

    That is just my opinion.

  • http://www.29-pearls.blogspot.com/ frances

    i just had the honor of reading this. wow. i’m almost speechless. it could have been written by me…were I as brave as you. daniel and i often fight over hnt. it’s silly but i hate them. i want to be the person that i can fake in pictures. thank you for posting this. you are very brave.