Aug 072009

Listen up. I am sweet and sensitive, I am loving and loyal. When I care about someone, I will do just about anything for them to make them happy. Sometimes I go above and beyond – some see that as weak, some see it as amazing.

But cross me? Really offend me or go after me? I’ll cut a bitch.

I’m sure you recall Mr. Orgy, the Okcupid kid whom I tried to convince that he should show up for a “dogging” event I was setting up. I was truly going to keep going with the ruse to teach him a lesson. Until of course, he responded:

how do i know your not just ganna kill me….besides i dont got a car


I twitched from the irritation caused by the poor spelling and grammar. And then I got a little pissed.

A female okcupid serial murderer? I doubt it. If you don’t have a car, then WTF were you thinking messaging a girl for sex who lives 96 miles from you?

Seriously? Not only did Rico Sauve think he could just hit me up for an orgy, but he thought the orgy would come to  him?

im not really sure…lol…but it seemed like a good idea…idk…i guess its just been a while and idk what i was thinking….oh well guess ill have to miss out :(

Close your eyes, Lilly. Deep breaths, Lilly. He’s a moronic nothingness blip in the day.


Nope. Not gonna let it go. Not when his profile is what it is. (btw in his “Things I’m Good At” box, one bullet point was: “Diffinitally not speeling”)

Miss out? Awww. I was looking forward to an orgy with a total stranger, especially you, because I’m just a sucker for a man in a hat. It’s going to be huge, there’s already 10 guys that have confirmed. It’s going to be at the xxx Park in xxx. You need to come! Oh wait….you can’t because you’re a grown man without a car.

Listen. You’re hypocritical, and a loser. You’re 20. You should have a damn car. That’s the first thing.

The second thing is that if you’re going to look for a girlfriend or even just a hookup online, you need to learn better spelling and quit using textspeak. You are a high school graduate, there is just no damn excuse for your poor spelling and grammar. It is not a badge of pride. It makes you look unintelligent.

Third, your profile is all about how you’re nice and sweet and looking for the same but then you run across the likes of me and treat me like a whore. Just ask for an orgy with my friends right off the bat. Because yes you’re totally gonna get that living 100 miles away from me with no transportation and oh by the way I’m Not A Hooker! You just see a couple sexy photos in my profile, and that I’m in an open relationship, and oh angels from heaven I done found me a hoar!! Did you honestly think your opening line would get you anywhere? Would you walk up to a pretty girl in a bar and start off with that? You, boy, need to get some schoolin in readin writin an ‘rithmetic but also manners, respect and common decency.

Did you happen to notice that one of the things I am NOT looking for is casual sex? No, you didn’t, because I bet you didn’t even read. If you are trolling for sex, try adultfriendfinder. Try craigslist next if you find you have to end up paying for such fantasies.

Shockingly, he didn’t respond back. I truly expected to get in return the typical “Yeah well you’re a fat ugly pig and I wouldn’t fuck you anyways, so there” kind of response that I have indeed gotten when I’ve turned a guy down.

In other news. I’d like to end this on a positive note.

A short taste-test of a chat with someone I’ve just barely gotten to know resulted in this at the end of our conversation:

Him: In 10 words or less, describe a fantasy. Give me something to think about while I go camping this weekend

me: Hair pulling back arching bed slamming against the wall ROUGH.
What do you think? Did I do alright with my 10 words?
  • Sashayman

    I cannot deny the visceral chuckle you have provided tonight.

    The content of the first paragraph fairly represents my personality type too.

    As for Paragraph Two, I seek to avoid the *cuttin’ a bitch* response as it simply perpetuates the suffering of another’s offensive conduct.

    The rest of the post (that which produced the chuckle) is illustrative of fellas who haven’t a clue about sexual respect. It’s like these Rio Suaves opine that if she’s kinky, sexy and open then she must also accept crude and crass behavior as a FAILSAFE aphrodisiac. Applying a standard other than the *Rio Suave* one, let’s assume a *reasonable person* standard, my conclusion is that crude and crass don’t entice sexual chemistry—poor spelling aside, of course.

    As for your ten words, most efficacious.

    Enjoy your weekend, ma’am.

    ~ =) I do want to point out too that my profile doesn’t allude to anything kinky. I don’t really mention sex. My photos all show cleavage and are varying degrees of sexy without being slutty like I am here, hehe. He pulled out the “she must be a kinky hoar” tidbit all on his own there. Because I have big tits and showed cleavage. Also the “cut a bitch” was a saying. An artistic flair. A…..I’m out of ways to say I obviously would not go that far and it was said for effect.

  • I realize that these idiots really do irritate you, but your posts about them give me quite the chuckle.

    96 miles from you? That’s pretty close to the distance from where I used to live in PA to where I believe you live. Hmm, wonder if I know him. I hope not!!

    ~ I’m often told that I’m quite funny when I’m pissed off. Hmmmm yeah, close-ish. Perhaps tomorrow I’ll email you his profile :P Did that slightly blurred out pic in the other post look familiar to you? hehe

  • those ten words say so much, so wonderfully!

  • Fortunately, that fuck-tard does NOT look familiar to me!

    ~ Good. I was hoping he wasn’t related to you or something awful. Cuz then I’d have to insist you make him a part of PA’s new “adopt-a-moron” program.

  • Hahah this whole thing make me laugh. :)

  • Holly

    Your ten-word reply was great. Grammar boy needs to take remedial English if he ever expects to get lucky with a decent girly.

    ~Indeed. I don’t think I got through to him. His profile remains unchanged, lol.

  • Nice job on the 10 word fantasy!! Maybe we should do haiku. I am glad you have enough sense to ignore the woman-hating, non-spell-checking losers. But I am sorry that you even have to waste your time on that.

    ~ Sadly, I’m accustomed to it. I now make it a game!

  • I love your mind…

    ~ Thanks, it works sometimes :)

  • Guys think with their cocks. Fact. Cocks do not know how to spell. Fact. Cocks think everything horny is a good idea. Fact.

    You are hilarious. Fact.

    ~ Hmm well I can’t say I agree with you here. I do know plenty of guys who don’t *always* think with their cocks. And I know plenty of guys whom I’ve tortured into a quivering mass of horniness and they can still spell and be respectful!

  • J-

    By that logic the reason for me being able to spell correctly despite being horny/seeing hot women is that I have a small cock?

    Now I wonder if that is a good thing or not.

  • 96 miles away and no car … what was he gonna do grow wings and fly? Loved the reply, although you were still polite. Kudos I would have been meaner *snikker*

    10 words? Perfect hehe. Made me twitch.

    ~ Wow really???? See I was trying for the humiliate approach moreso than the eviscerate, lol.

  • Backseat Boohoo

    I do have to defend myself a little and say that I’m 21 and I definitely don’t have a car. Car or education? Education won out for me.

    But then again, I don’t invite myself to a faux orgy 100 miles away sans car, so I think I’m in the clear. :P

    ~ Ok but you’re in college and again..not propositioning people 100 miles away and treating them like whores, lol. He wasn’t even in college.

  • Riff Dog

    Those ten words work for me. ;-)

    This “i don’t got a car” guy is too cool! Seriously, if I were you, the temptation to actually meet him and see if he has any front teeth and if he laughs with a “hyuk, hyuk” would be too hard to resist.

    ~ In my state, I’d have to worry about the guy owning a gun, and using it on me. So hell no!! lol

  • Nancy

    So this was waiting for me when I got home today.. thought only you would appreciate the volumes it speaks~~

    “””I want you for my pleasure and i want to take u as mine I know how to treat u and if you think u know whats going to happen when we are together i have news for you. You havent seen anything yet so keep ur eyes open and ready its going to be a fun ride.
    s “”

    Sigh.. what a way with words~

  • The guy (20 year old without a car) is a douchebag.