Posted by Lilly in Navel-Gazing, real life | 12 Comments
Why I’m a Bratty Sub (Soul Searching)
The thing about words is that meanings can twist just like a snake, and if you want to find snakes look for them behind words that have changed their meaning. ~Terry Pratchett
An outside source had sparked some deep searching thoughts in myself and some conversations between he and I about submission and then specifically my submission.
Our relationship is mostly not about D/s. The basis is close friendship and in that we are equals. Sexually, I’m his submissive; I consider him my Master. But yet I still fight it. The following of orders. Orders I don’t necessarily like or want to do at that moment. There are even sexual things, fantasies, that I will go along with that I don’t actually like…..I’m doing it to please my Master.
Half of me says to that: WTF! Grow a backbone, sister! Your mind is goin about this allll wrong. You are being a doormat and you need to fuckin stand up for yourself!
Other half of me says to that: Pleasing your dominant doesn’t always mean it’s a bed of roses for the submissive. But a good dominant knows enough about his submissive to know that right now she’s not ok with it and won’t like it, but when it happens after the first or second time…..she’ll like it. And so far, for the most part, that’s been the case. There were things I didn’t want that I now think “ohhhh yes that’s hot, yes I want to do it – for myself and for him”.
I’m not really sure all the time just where the D/s side of our relationship stands (sometimes it is always there just bubbling under the surface, ready and able to pop out at any time but then other times real life intervenes and the D/s dynamic hasn’t seen the light of day in weeks) but I expressed an interest in wanting “more” submission. What is more? I don’t yet know. Perhaps in my ramblings here and feedback from you I can figure it out.
Mollena wrote up a very non-linear “thinking out blog” posting that’s kinda-sorta along this vein and she nailed it with the term I had been searching for: Obedience versus Submission.Except that her and I have different viewpoints.
To me, obedience is….god, many things I don’t like. The situations I have been in that one has to “be obedient” are always situations that make me feel demeaned. Looked down upon. Retail jobs are a big part of this. We’re taught that the customer is always right and all that crap. I took a lot of shit working in retail as long as I did. Both from customers and managers. But I had to behave a certain way. I had to curtsy and smile and say “I’ll do my best to help you” when I was really seething inside because they had treated me like a piece of dirt. When what I really wanted to say is “Learn how to fucking treat people better, you twat. You are dead wrong on this matter – quit acting like a spoiled brat and get the fuck out!” But…..I couldn’t say that and keep my job. Then I took an office job in which my boss was a scatterbrained tyrant who scared the poop out of me. Partly him, partly my fault – he’d demand such-and-such right this instant and if I didn’t know where it was in 2 seconds, I panicked thinking perhaps I lost it. Again, I was obedient and almost subservient to him and I resented it. I resented him and the job and the fact that I needed to keep that job. There were times when he treated me like shit. Verbally. Made me feel worthless and 2 inches tall.
R is naturally a blunt fellow in all aspects, even when we’re just in “friend” dynamic. He is not trying to be mean, not at all. But combine a blunt person with a person who is a bit overly sensitive in some areas….And then combine all that with his Dom side? It’s not always easy.
R: Go in and take a pic of your tongue on your own nipple. Send to her AND CC to meme: ok….R: tell her it is a gift from R*swats your ass* gome: going.me: back. and sent.R: then why don’t I see it in my inboxyou sent to her and CC’d me?me: no, i forwarded it from my phone to you and to my email. from my email on to her.R: I’m confusedme: she doesn’t know my cell number, she wouldn’t know who its from. so i had to send it from my phone to my own email address, first.R: yes…and from your e-mail to the both of us? Or just each of us separately?that’s the part where I’m confused.me: from my email to just her. i sent it to YOU via my phone.R: this is not what I told you to do, now is it.and the pic is not the one I told you to take either.
So can you see, then, how some areas of being a submissive (especially to someone who can have an evil unforgiving streak when he’s deep into that frame of mind) are big old red trigger buttons that make me want to set my jaw and harden my stare and say “Fuck you, no I won’t.” Or get bratty. Or try to prove him wrong when he makes a challenging statement about me.
I didn’t always want submission. In fact, until this past year, I didn’t quite understand it. What it did for others. Why it was ok and it wasn’t abusive, or how the submissive could like it and not feel demeaned. I know now, I’ve read the writings of others who identify as submissive and I opened my mind. But for a while….all I wanted was rough sex. Kinky sex. Hold-me-down-and-make-me-powerless sex. With R, that evolved. It still is evolving. I went from identifying more as a “bottom” no matter what to acquiescing to being submissive…but it’s only with him. I do not feel submissive with just anyone. It is an earned right with me. It is rare. I can and do crave the bottom role with others; the roughness, receiving pain and pleasure, not being the one in control.
I’m not sure what it stems from, but I tend to do things to make others happy. Make them like me? And sometimes I think that I rationalize “If I do this for him, he’ll like me more.”. I know, I know, it’s 876 kinds of fucked up. I know. But its subconscious – I don’t actually think that out loud…in fact I didn’t even realize that it was an aspect of it until a week ago. And I must admit that I didn’t like that realization. Will R leave me if I don’t want anal sex? Will R like me more if I swallow? As a person? No, he won’t. In that moment sexually, I’m sure he would though, lol.
Still, quite a lot of the D/s dynamic feels like a scolding parent-child boss-servant dynamic. Feels like it. It’s not. But that’s where I’m at sometimes in my head and why I get defiant. R is not doing anything “wrong”. I read of other dominants who make him look tame. Alright, not tame per se but a whole lot more tolerable. I need to work on this and learn how to meld D/s obedience into my submission and let go of my past conceptions on obedience. Because I don’t like feeling that way. It does, however, provide a bit of work for him….I do not just lay down and serve. It makes him bring out his Dominance even more. That part I suspect he likes. So I don’t want to turn into the Stepford Wife version of a submissive.
I still hold myself taut when submitting. I cannot fully let go. That’s something that I want to work on with him. As I said before, I want “more” – except that I can’t get more when I don’t know what I’m asking for or how to ask for it.
Please, weigh in. Lengthy comments are welcome. I’d like to hear from everyone whether you identify as dominant, submissive or switch. (note: any bashing of R and his style of dominating, or anything really, won’t be tolerated. period.) I’d really like to hear if others agree/disagree with how I see obedience and submission and if not….give me your take on it all. Thanks.
A Related Post:
Trying to work out what submission means for you is probably the most difficult mindfuck out. For some its a never ending soul search. Some approach it as an ordeal. For a brat… (this is purely my opinion so others may not see it this way) is I want that challenge. I want to push my own boundaries. I’m independent by nature.
Being submissive doesn’t change my personality it just brings out a healthy outlet to discover my sexuality with someone who *fits* with me. Is it easy all the time? Hell no. It’s a journey and along the way we grow tremendously.
For me it I am a blank state, waiting for input. In other words you want to be obedient, totally receptive, reined in, contained call it what you want. It reminds you someone is paying attention. In a way you are leaving yourself behind and giving yourself to another. Switching off the brain, finding an outlet, a release. Therein lies the struggle.
I am not always obedient, nor do I want to be and for me that is part of the appeal of submitting, pushing my own boundaries in a safe, comfortable space. I can try but sometimes my stubborn streak rears it’s ugly head.It’s easy to get lost in it all, but one thing I remind myself is we are people before kink. The key is to finding what works for, not just your Dominant, but what works for you too.
I have no idea if this helps or if it makes sense xxx
Letting go is the hardest part of being a submissive. I am 90% dom, maybe 10% sub and only when in the mood. I find it difficult to totally let go – maybe my SO doesn’t understand how to be a good dom or maybe I just don’t get off on subbing.
I believe part of the issue you have is the remote nature of the D/s relationship. If you and R- were physically together more often, developing that aspect of your relationship might come more naturally.
Plus, based from your writing and our exchanges, you definitely have a strongly dom side. It is difficult to play both sides for one, and takes a very understanding person to know when and how to push buttons and when to lay off.
I think the true solution would exist in a relationship where you and your dom (R- or other) were together often and became more comfortable with each others mindset. Trust is a vital aspect of the D/s relationship; the ‘s’ must know limits are in place and respected by the ‘dom’. Yes, the dom should push those limits (and maybe even exceed them at times), but the ‘s’ must understand at the end of the day he/she will be treated in accordance with the limit agreement. Testing those limits, verbally or physically, is often very rewarding and satisfying for both parties.
Hope this helps a little-
Blue
~ Actually, I don’t have a strong Dom side. I am quite a lot more sub, sexually and by nature, than anything else. Which is why I suffered silently in those jobs. I hated it, but I was never able to stand up and say “fuck you”. I’m sure that the Ds dynamic would be better if we saw each other more but…it is what it is. These are my issues, my head, my viewpoints. My own fucked up gut reaction which is stemming from insecurities and past history
And btw, just because you are not completely happy w/ current situation and searching for what you want does not make you a brat, bitch or anything like that.
Peace – life is a journey of exploration!
:)
Blue
~ It’s not the current situation I’m unhappy with. It’s my own viewpoints and mental standing that I’m trying to work out.
“I’m not sure what it stems from, but I tend to do things to make others happy. Make them like me? And sometimes I think that I rationalize “If I do this for him, he’ll like me more.”. I know, I know, it’s 876 kinds of fucked up.”
Are you doing things for others just to make them like you or do you do it in part because it makes you feel good? Also how do these people perceive the things you do for them? I’m guessing that they see it as a you showing that you value them and you’re willing to go out of your way to help them or be good to them. Me for example, I do things for the gf to make her happy because making her smile or cheering her up makes me feel good.
“I still hold myself taut when submitting. I cannot fully let go.”
Why do you not fully let go? Is there a part of you that doesn’t want to give over full control or is there a corner of your mind that loves the idea of rebelling even just a little? With the gf she loves to be a bit of a rebel because she knows that if I’m in the right mindset she’ll get more of a punishment which she enjoys. Is it that way with you or is it something else? Just trying to get the mental gears going for you with the questions :)
~ When I say that I do things and I realized that I subconsciously was thinking “If I do this, he’ll like me more” it’s more of….things I’m being asked/told to do. Not things I come up with on my own, really. Which I do come up with things on my own, but thats a slightly different color of horse.
I cannot fully let go because I have a teeny bit of uncertainty. Fear of the unknown.
A fear of the unknown is certainly understandable. Have you talked with R about having a night where you can fully let go to see how it runs? Would you even want to try that? The only way I know of to squash that fear is to try it and see. Who knows? Maybe you’ll enjoy it more than you expected, or maybe you won’t. It would be a learning experience one way or the other and you could say after wards that you’ve dealt with said fear.
~ No….it’s not possible…but also this is just mental and something to be worked out in my head. Getting rid of the jaw-clenching reaction and associating with old/bad obedience reactions.
Fear of the unknown…. or fear of giving up control? Have you considered working with R to push past this self imposed barrier? Just a thought hun … perhaps some form of catharsis play to figure out whats really at the crux of it. Either way it takes time to figure it all out, don’t be hard on yourself in the process. *hugs*
~ Yeah, I’m trying. thank you.
I don’t think there’s a sub out there who doesn’t stomp her (or his) feet, narrow her eyes, and get upset about being asked to do something. That doesn’t meant that there’s something wrong with you as a sub. And really, times like those are defining in a relationship. If you don’t have personal limits, they can’t be pushed at all…and then you do become somewhat of a doormat. Some doms may want that, but I’ve found that most don’t.
Of course, that doesn’t mean you can’t give yourself to your dom completely. In my mind, giving myself over completely doesn’t necessarily mean that I’ll never be bratty about something. Then again, I identify more with the Daddy/babygirl dynamic than the Master/slave dynamic.
I guess, I’m just saying that there’s nothing “wrong” with you. No decent dom would expect you to be able to fully submit right away as you start a D/s relationship. It cheapens it, kinda like saying I love you after only dating for a week. I do definitely think that you should talk to R about things, though.
One thing that’s really important, I’ve found, is that if you’ve done something to feel like you’ve failed completely, your dom should help you succeed next time. Take your failures as a learning experience, something that can help you bind together and know one another on a deeper level. Also, D once told me that my failures are his as well, so when you feel bad or disappointed in yourself, R probably feels bad and disappointed in himself as well. And next time you’ll both try harder. With that in mind, you can grow to give him more and more of yourself. It doesn’t need to be immediately and all at once.
Sorry that was so ramble-y!
~ No, ramble and lengthy is just fine by me :) Thank you for commenting, it’s giving me points to ponder.
I wonder about the idea that seems hidden in your post that there’s a right way and a less than right way to submit. I’ve yet to find any human behaviour that isn’t on a continuum of some point, not to mention a learning curve. I’m not exactly a “natural” (whatever the fuck that means) dom but I can do it and get into it. But I refuse to believe that I have to do it, or do it a certain way because the last thing I need is another freaking norm to aspire to. As far as the submissive part of you, I can’t help but think its a part of your personality, as affected by the moon and tides of your day to day life as everything else you do. My question for you is: the naming of your relationship D/s, is that more the turnon or is playing the part the turn-on?
Well, I don’t mean to be diffictlt but the more I think about things, the more I think nobody “knows” anything. We can only get closer or farther away from being OK with ourselves. And you sound pretty OK with yourself. I like what Rori said: the dom should help you succeed. If they don’t, they aren’t doing their part. Communication always ends up being the crux of things.
Great blog, great post.
~ I didn’t say the relationship was D/s. It has its moments but 75% we are not in that side of it. I don’t get turned on by labels.
The struggle between being submissive (or obedient) and being stubborn/independent is part of the journey. Some days I just don’t feel like being told what to do. But other days I totally let go and submit and it’s divine. By submitting to him I find a part of me fulfilled that was never fulfilled before. But do I have off days? Days when I misbehave? Hell yes. I think any decent Dom will realize that their sub is human, and can’t be perfect all the time. Doesn’t mean you won’t get scolded, but a light scolding doesn’t mean a life-long grudge for a misstep.
One of the things I like about submission is that he takes on the responsibility of taking care of me. It’s not that I can’t (or don’t) take care of myself, but there’s a comfort in knowing that while he asks a lot of me, he gives me a great deal as well.
~ Yes I can certainly say that R does a lot for me in the “non D/s” sense, thats for sure.
To me, submitting means to give, while obeying means to do as i’m told. When i submit, i give my will to my Mistress, which means that She does what She pleases with me. When i obey, i do as She tells me.
When i submit to Mistress’ desire, my will to object has been given away. If She wants to flog me, my need to not allow harm to be done to me is given to Mistress. Therefore, She is my protector, & She looks after my well-being. This is where i agree with Nadia West.
When i obey Mistress, i do as She tells me. In the same example above, if Mistress wants to flog me, & She tells me to lie down & stay still, i do as i’m told.
Submission is also a gift. It should be treated with respect. If not, you’re not submitting, you’re being bullyed.
Finally, i do not think that being submissive means that i am a doormat. i feel it means quite the opposite. i submit my will to my Mistress, because i trust Her, whether it is by Her hand or another. But, that does not mean that ANY Dominant person can expect me to submit to them. In fact, i’m more likely to answer them with; “Piss or, shit-for-brains.”
Now, i shall go & read the rest of your blog.
anonyslut
Maitresse’s darling slut
~ Thanks for chiming in. All the insight is helping.
I am so very sorry that I haven’t replied to this as of yet.
I too wrestle with submission although I know I am submissive and have the submissive personality. There are some things that I react to in a submissive manner and others I absolutely DO NOT.
There are different levels of submission.
I will think on this more – do some research and get back to you.
I did love my gift btw. Thank you R …
but R play nicely … we subs give because we want to make you dom’s happy happy happy … when you are not happy happy happy – it hurts our heart and our brain.
I agree full heartedly with Maitress.
I think if you and R were closer and he was able to gently spank your ass for not doing things exactly the way he intended that would be better than the ‘word spanking’ for the physical is a reminder to do what you are told and also provides so much pleasure in the pain (easier to remember – so much easier).
I hope that helps babydoll … for you are so damn sexy and sweet and I missed talking with you these last few days … I’m trying to wrap my brain around all that is happening to me … I feel change and it frightens me … i don’t know how to make it all fit; my brain is all scattered and I’m quite possibly a wreck and I can’t think of anything but being with him again … while my ass heals – damn it was black and blue …
SO I have neglected you my darling and I am sorry!
I am trying to work my way back.
I would have to say that I am mostly dominant to Temper. I like to be in control much of the time. However, there are few times where I will allow him control and dominance. This happens seldom so I am not sure if that qualifies us officially as switch.