Mar 142009
 

As I review more sex toys, I’m learning some things about myself, toys and the sex toy industry.

1. Every woman is different. Our cunts are different. Every aspect is different. But just like the media is pushing that a size 2 is ideal these days, it seems that sextoy manufacturers are trying to tell me that my cunt is built wrong. I certainly feel that way!! I just got the Rock Chick today, a highly recommended toy by many other reviewers…..only to figure out in 10 minutes flat that it simply will NOT work with a cunt built like mine.
Like what? Well, my outer labia are fuller than average. Perhaps because I’m not skinny? Dunno. My clit is the size of Hello Kitty’s nose (thanks VaginaDrum) and it requires a fuckin map for new partners to find it. Even a seasoned partner has trouble! When it comes to sex toys like….dual stimulators…..Remote hands-free “butterfly” vibes….. These are meant for women who’s outer labia is not as full and their clits peek out to say hello world!
It seems to me that “the way I’m built” isn’t normal. At least that’s what porn models and the sex toy industry are leading me to believe.

2. My vagina is an F student in Braille. I see so many dildos that are touting how “realistic” they look, and have veins for added sensation. Or any of the countless non-penis-replica vibrators and dildos that have raised swirlies and bumps and ridges. I just can’t tell. I’m tight, but perhaps just not as sensitive. Since when did my girlie bits need to learn Braille just to get off??

3. Just because you pay over $50 for a toy, don’t expect it to be glorious. I’m not saying to stop buying them. But I’m not guaranteeing greatness. I’ve got numerous pricey toys I’ve reviewed that, had I purchased them, I would be pretty ticked off at their lack of oomph or single-minded design. We-Vibe. Doc Johnson I-Rabbit thingiemabobber. Even some of the Lelo toys I’m finding myself disappointed in their lack of power. Is it because they’re rechargeable? I’m not sure.
Most cheap-shit toys I, understandably, end up disappointed with as well. Tonight I got this bullet vibe from the lovely ladies at sextoy.com. At first I’m practically shouting from the rooftops my love for it! It’s -powerful-!!! Finally!!! But then, quickly, I find a defect. When I turn it on….it’s not turning on. I hafta shake the egg. Sometimes though it’s just fine. I’m still trying to determine if this is a singular defect, or the product as a whole. (I see now that it’s a wire issue. Gonna try a dab of superglue somewhere)

4. I’m learning that there are many of you who love my writing as much as my tits. I’m also learning that there’s many of you just here for the tits. So be it. But I have to wonder sometimes….what would happen if I pulled all my pics? What would happen if I never posted a nude photo again? Would my readership and commentors drop off like mayfly’s? (so help me – if you comment and cry out “nooo!!! don’t take away the noodz!!” I’ll slap you. I really will.)

5. I am learning that I’m part hermit, part social butterfly. What does that mean? I crave conversation, I’m in love with Twitter because it’s sometimes like a big ole chatroom. I’ve been up too late a few times lately just chatting around with a bunch of us in the same “circle” (we all follow each other) and having fun. Conversely, because my updates are private, people have to request to follow me. I’ve been denying most people lately. I look at them suspiciously, wonder why they want to follow. Perhaps to just have “another number”. I have over 200 followers of my twitter stream, and more than half never say boo.

That’s all I’ll bore you with tonight. Honestly I’d be shocked if most of you read the whole thing. Skimmed it, perhaps. I should put some sort of code in the posts that tell you something cool like….I’m giving away a $20 Babeland giftcard soon, or something. Hidden words that, if you read it all, will stick out to tell you that secret message.

Nah. I’m too lazy. And I need to visit more websites that will tell me that my cunt is built all wrong.

  • Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek

    nooo!!! don’t take away the noodz!!

    Sorry, I couldn’t resist… maybe I was just wanting to be slapped by you, who knows.

    I’m horrid at commenting, but I always love your posts and especially your text ones because I love your writing style. While noodie and tit shots are great and all I, personally, love the rest more.

    ~ I know I know, if I put it out there like that, I’m gonna get people testing to see if I really WILL slap them. I can’t do it myself, but perhaps I’ll ask Coy Pink to do it on my behalf to you, lol.

    Thanks hon :) that means a lot to me

  • Miss KissThis

    You’re not alone in that full-labia and clit-hiding thing. My clit hides too. I’m not one of those with the “hello world!” clits that are obvious. Mine requires extra work, but so be it. At least it’s there, somewhere.

    I read the whole entry! And I agree with Scarlet Lotus- noooo! don’t take away the noodz! (You totally asked for that.)

  • Sexorcism

    Love your new look!

  • http://piecesofjade.wordpress.com Jade

    I think the diversity of our “girlie bits” is a beautiful thing. And not just because I like the excitement of discovering something new each time I start a relationship with a woman, either. ;-) I just think we’re great that way! Oh, and I happen to be an outie-clit-girl but I can’t finangle those stupid rabbit-y things either. And nope, “ridges and whirls” don’t do a thing for me either. Whatever–shrug–there are plenty of other joyous toys out there!

    And just as a last note, I DID come over here via an HNT and I DO think you have lovely breasts, but I come back to read what you write. And yes, I’d read if there weren’t nudie pics…but they are an added, delightful, bonus.

    Jade

    ~ Aww thank you!! You do have a point, I have found some -great- blogs that I love reading thanks to HNT.

    Hrmmmm so far its the women commenting that they’d read me anyways without noodz. The men are strangely silent. Gee I wonder why…..

  • http://www.jsgotgame.blogspot.com sage

    There are titty pics here?
    I should look around then, I was under the impression you simple turned me on with your words!

    (I do love the pics but I’ll come either way and I always liked the lips as much/more’n the tits!!)

    ~ I’ll be sure to put up some new pics of my lips soon, just for you hon. And you’re such a good bullshitter, alllllmost believable ;)

  • d

    i love your writing, too. i added you to my blog reading list before i even knew about the noodz.

  • voyeur36

    I am a new follower and now I know there are nudes, I will definitely be paying more attention.

    ~If you hadn’t figured that out by merely glancing at my header, then you’re a lost cause.

  • PsycheDiver

    I’d surely stay if even if you dropped your photos, but I still really enjoy them.

    I’m glad to know that price isn’t a key qualifier for sex toys, and I’m glad you’re having so much fun with your new bullet!

    I’m thankful you let me follow you on Twitter. You’re a lot of fun!

    ~haha yeah….It’s not a key qualifier however, 85% of the time the utter cheap-shits are awful. I’m fun, eh? Yes, crazy batty nutters usually are!

  • mina

    Ok … Yeah every cunt is built different. I too don’t like the outer lips of my cunt. When shaved I call it chicken lips. Now, open me up like a flower and I’m happy with what I see. Not surprised if the bullet vibe you got is defective. The stuff they sent us was cheap crap. If you took all your pics down there wouldn’t be that fantastic eye candy to see, but I’d still come and read you. I like reading what you have to say

    ~ Yeah they’re all different, but you won’t usually find ones “like mine” in porn pics or video. God, you know, porn is the biggest culprit I think in early body issues for men AND women! Men all think that 6″ is short. Women think their cunt is ugly, their tits not floaty enough, their orgasms not plentiful enough.

  • Kitten

    Your blog is beautiful. With or without the nudes.

    You are beautiful, whether or not you post nudes.

    ~Thankyou :)

  • Riff Dog

    Ha! “My vagina is an F student in Braille” cracks me up! And the more expensive doesn’t necessarily mean better is a lesson we learn time and time again in so many fields.

    FWIW, I like both your tits AND your writing. But I’ll still be here for either one. ;)

    ~ *grins* I know, I’m quite cheeky sometimes. Perhaps I should qualify in saying that while more expensive does mean its better quality and will last longer, it doesn’t always mean it’ll perform better. I am quite expecting more men *ahem Cunning* to start panicking in comments that teh noodz might go away.

  • cutesypah

    like you, I have a hidden clit. and I must have a deep vagina, as anytime I try something like the rabbit or the dolphin, the clit stimulator never lines up right. if I try to push the shaft all the way in to feel good, the clit stimulator rubs my opening raw, and doesn’t even reach my clitoral hood.

    the best dildo with a clit stimulator I’ve ever found that fits me is Clitapatra. She’s one of the cheapest on the market ($40 as compared to nearly $100 for the rabbbit), and the shaft actually gyrates rather than simply spins. and the shaft is plenty long, and the clitoral stimulator actually fits in the right spot against my hood. I’ve had three of them, and gave 2 away to friends.

    of course, this is my .02 worth, and your mileage may vary….

    thanks for sharing!

    ~ you know, whenever I’ve seen that vibrator I kinda make fun of it for the name, and the look. I kinda get squicked out by vibes w/ faces.

  • http://vanillaimpaired.com vanimp

    I actually read something the other day regarding porn and someone preferring amateur porn because it was more real and without the suppossed ” perfect people” you know the women that look like super models and the frigging 10 inch cock lol. And the whole time I was reading that I was like yea! Hunni you write well, the pics are just a perk and a nice sexy one at that but if you pulled the pics I sure as hell would come back … I loves your wee recipes of late too :D … Nice new layout btw I’m liking it xxx

    ~ I’ve talked about that before, I won’t even watch anything other than amateur porn anymore. And thanks :)

  • Chris

    I just thought I would take a second to say that I found this site by following a link that eventually lead to this site. It all started here..LOL..

    http://www.tigerdroppings.com/rant/messagetopic.asp?p=12604233

    ~haha thats funny, I comment on a post about Shaq, one of likely hundreds of commenters, and I get visitors. interesting!

  • southerngirl

    Girl…I am laughing my ass off. Thank you for the lesson here. As a very-recently-vanilla-now-not-so-much-girl, I am kinda new still to all the toys. But I hear you loud and clear. Somebody’s gotta think up this shit to sell their products, right?

  • Bad Bad Girl

    I think if they were all the same, there would be no mystery. I had a Rock Chick type toy and that didn’t work for me either. Don’t sweat it sweetie, you’re fuckin special!! :)

    I love gawking at your boobs- but you know I love what you have to say.

  • http://beautifuldreamer30.blogspot.com Beautiful Dreamer

    You can’t scare me away by taking away the noodz. ;)

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  • marquisdgore

    Sorry lady, but your paragraph #4 just doesn’t hold up. In my case, I wandered in here in a search for better ways to write “romantically” in my own stories (no blog), set about reading and then started coming across your posted pics. Dazzling, mouth-watering cleavage was indeed a bonus, but it’s not like you have to post them to have readers. They’re magnificent, you know it, you like them, you’e proud of them and you like the reactions you get to them or they would never be shown. A few of your blog entries even refer to wearing special neckline tops in order to torment your co-workers, male and female and by extension, your readers. You don’t need to fish for compliments, they’ll come on their own and be profuse in their admiration.
    What I want to know is how does your significant other, “R” even let you leave the bed, much less the house in the mornings?