Oct 022008

You all know I’ve put up craigslist ads. I’ve got a profile over on Okcupid, and another spot. *sigh* I mean, do some of these guys truly think they have game? Are they looking over their message before clicking send and thinking “yeah, I got this one in the bag”?

First, let’s be positive and look at the ones that get a response from me (which is only about 15% of the time it seems, because I’m picky and want something rare – personality and the ability to type)

Subject: you had me at provincial french cooking
“seriously, hard hard messy foodgasm. mmmmm…
hi, i’m —- and in lust with you and your profile. so, yeah.”

There’s more, it’s all cute and witty and complimentary and made me smile.But I won’t post the whole thing, it would bore you I’m sure.


“A. You are incredibly gorgeous. No, really. You have no idea.
2. I wish you were not 612 miles away.
iii. I HATE textspeak in email. I have 2 friends that do this on a regular basis, and they are both advisors at colleges. How some can work in education and make themselves sound that unintelligent is beyond me.”

He did the “A” “2” thing, and I didn’t do that anywhere in my profile. But I tend to do that frequently, especially when speaking. Freaky. And it shows he actually read all the way down to the bottom of my profile.

There have been a few more, who weren’t the wittiest right off the bat but had a photo that caught my eye and they seemed “real”, had a personality. But they baffle me. We email back and forth, things are going very well and sparks are flying….photos are being well received to say the least…I show him the blog. Conversation finally takes the proper turn, and they really like what they see and read. But then, conversation dies off within a week. When it comes time to say “Hey we’re both interested, let’s meet”, nothing happens. It’s more complicated than that, but that’s the Readers Digest version. Why contact a local person, why answer their “FWB” ad on CL, why go through the trouble of a week of sexy conversation just to chicken out of meeting? I’m very disappointed in a few guys right now, and kicking their chicken asses to the curb I think.

Fails – I will (almost) never respond back to the fails. Most, to be honest, are things like “hey ur hott, lets fuck” or some shit. *sigh* But then you really get to see some fucktards.

Hey are you really real. I’ve already sent an e-mail and the only thing I got back were clubs to join up to (Not interested) If your real I guess I receive legitimate e-mail back. I cant assume so I have to ask are you 21 or older if not the buck stops here. I have no interest in messing with a kids mind.”

Now, I have to interrupt here. In my CL ad I made a point of saying “Hey, I’m real! Come on, what spam bot is gonna post on CL as a BBW??” AND I posted pics, casual things. If you have half a braincell you can look at the fake ads, and then mine, and know I’m not selling a website. So, I had to bite here. After all he had complied and sent a photo of himself.

Me: Come on, did my ad really look like that of a spammer? Really now, I tried very hard to assure you men that I am real. Is there a secret boys-only-club password I should have known? A handshake? A grunt? Hmmm hard to portray the handshake/grunt via text…..

His reply: Ok all seems well, Send me another Picture of yourself.


um, no

His reply: What you didn’t like the picture.

I’m copying here word for word people. Lack of punctuation and all. I went on and actually told him, bluntly, what all pissed me off. To his credit, he came back with a more thought-out email, punctuation, and showed a general ability to think like a homosapiens. But it was too late.

“r u into piss”

That’s usually not a good thing to start off with, unless this is Collarme or something.


I get this after I ignored 2 of his messages, telling me to check out his (empty) profile.

“Subject: BBW are you one?”

Fucktard, R u 1?

Perhaps I should just stick to my blogger boys. At the least I know you have great personality, know how to type, and share similar interests. Unfortunately most of you are way the hell on the other coast.

A bonus photo (that I wasn’t going to post)  just because you guys aren’t fucktards. At least most of the time you’re not ;)  heheheheee

  • Caracala

    Some men just can’t seem to read, comprehend, ‘and’ respond intelligently all at once. *sigh*

    ~ Indeed. durrrr! ~L

  • nIce shoose wanna fuck

    (Sorry, I couldn’t resist!)

    ~ Pickup line that should never be used on a fat chick: Are you wearing space pants? Cause your ass is outta this world! *SMACK* Are you saying I have a large ass?!?!? hehe ~L

  • I mean, do some of these guys truly think they have game

    See the thing about guys, the ones that THINK they have game are the ones that are easy to spot.
    The ones that have real game, you’ll never know it.

    Excellent boob-o-rama!

    ~ Hmmm. Good point Sage. I gotta work on being less gullible. ~L

  • A. You crack me up!
    2. Hey, at least the fucktards are giving you some entertainment and blog-able material.
    iii. You could have a blog that only consisted of pictures of your *spectacular* boobs and I’d come back day after day to “read” it. Just sayin…

    u r da bomb

    ~ LOL You crack me up too. ~L

  • Ok, seriously… if I didn’t have kids looking over my shoulder every damn minute, I’d SOOOO set that latest boob picture as my wallpaper. (yes, the breasts warranted their own separate comment)

    ~ Wow, I didn’t think this pic was that impressive! Hmmm I don’t think I’ve ever been someone’s wallpaper before, lol. Thanks for wanting to though ;) ~L

  • Your transcripts of the “fail” responses made me smile; they really did have no idea. Thank you for the bonus that you posted. It was the first photo I saw online this morning and it made a great start to my day.

    ~ Glad I could be of service :) ~L

  • Mike

    Seems like some are lacking a few brain cells or are thinking with there d**k! lol
    Love this post, its made me smile this morning already :)
    Oh and even more so now with you little (LARGE) bonus photo! hehe

    ~ I have this urge to email every one of the fucktards back and berate them, asking if they really ever get responses, favorable ones, to their idiotic brand of “flirting” and if not, perhaps its time for some intropsection and/or a ghostwriter. Glad you liked ;) ~L

  • I detest textspeak in emails. Hell, I detest textspeak in IM and text. *grin* I text in complete sentences, with full punctuation, and always have.

    It’s tough to find a brain in the general population these days…and one reason I only post on Fetlife, not on Collarme. ;)

    ~ See though that saddens me….either the general quality of men has degraded in time and survival of the fittest has truly failed us, or they’re just so fucking lazy that they can’t even fake effort to get laid?? I tend to use necessary punctuation in texting, and usually full sentences. I might only revert to textspeak on Twitter if I’m running out of characters. ~L

  • jormengrund

    You know, it’s amazing to me that some women will actually FALL for these lines!

    I mean, if you think about it, that waste of breath, space, and blood and tissue has somehow come up with the idea that those lines get them anywhere..

    Usually this is because they’ve had that line work before, and gotten something for their trouble..

    My real question here is.. WHO??

    Who really would want to procreate with someone as obviously flawed as these fucktards have turned out to be?

    I don’t know, but if I find one, I might need to slap some sense into them.

    Let the idiots die out slowly, so we can have some “normalcy” again!

    Oh, and nice boobs too! :D

    ~ You’d think they would learn but….I don’t know. I can’t see into the male brain, hard as I might try to find it….lol ~L

  • not_lou

    Fantastic cleavage!!!
    i can see this for many many many hours….

  • rage

    I can’t believe the nerve of some of these guys, but on the other hand….I am not surprised either.

    ~ Sad tho, ain’t it? ~L

  • Dragon Mage

    Sounds like IRC on a good day. lol. The idiots are out in force, eh?
    Sweet pic. ^_^ Let’s hear it for not being a fucktard! ^_^
    (shame you aren’t close enough to us – luvbunny and I could be FWBs ~_^ )

    ~ Thank god I never bothered with IRC then! See? All the good ones are far away *pouts* ~L

  • James

    Well, sheesh, I guess I’m not the only one striking out on CL/OKCupid. Still, next time you’re in the area, let me know now with added cell-phone goodness so I can text you but not use text-speak…

    ~ no….you finally got a cell phone?? Bout damn time, boy. *tackle* and where’ve you been, huh? ~L

  • Riff Dog

    These are freakin’ hysterical!

    I know a woman who put up a public picture on her Ashley Madison profile similar to the one you have here. (Like you, she has fantastic breasts.)

    Her reasoning was that this way, she could immediately weed out the “Nice rack!” guys and only deal with the guys who managed to say something a little more personal. Seemed like good logic to me.

    And yes, I wound up fucking her. I’m just as dogly as the other guys, but I know when not to say it.

  • Ws Rote

    “Unfortunately most of you are way the hell on the other coast.”

    Or on another continent altogether. -_-‘

    Kisses and a lot of admiration from Europe :)