Safe Auto and Billy Mays Need to Die in a Fire
Survival of the Fittest = FAIL
Lilly Loses Her Shit
This post is 99% not about sex. Know why? Cause I’m so fucking irritated that I’m losing interest in getting laid. Well, not entirely, but somewhat. Yes, 1% will relate to sex. Keep your eyes peeled. This post is long, it’s ranting, I may lose my head and spew green fire, I dunno. Read on, if you have half a brain and can take it.
A brief introduction to our friends across the pond and those who aren’t allowed to watch TV other than reality-performance-based-judged-contest things on Fox (you know who you are, and yes I mean you).
Safe Auto – The el-cheapo bare-minimum car insurance for the country. Originally geared towards people like the single parent with 4 kids who’s burning the candle at both ends; college students who don’t have wealthy parents paying their way; or otherwise good decent people who are simply and purely strapped for cash. The commercials are now geared towards the morons; the people who should not have passed the drivers exam and only, by some fucked up twist of karma, are still on the road because they have not shown their stupidity in front of a cop yet; people who have had many accidents; and so on. We’ll come to the visual aid section soon, kiddos, don’t worry.
Billy Mays – A loud-mouthed douchebag who sells things that mostly already existed on the market with a marketing ploy that entails yelling at the camera/audience, and attempting to reinforce the fact that we’re all morons with our collective heads up our collective asses.
Bad Driving Record? Safe Auto doesn’t give a shit! They really don’t. And to boot in the “piss me off” category, the commercials are all low-budget over-acted shit. What do you expect though. Proof.
And, not -just- a bad driving record, have you been plagued with those pesky car accidents that are your fault because you’re a bad driver? Shoot, Safe Auto doesn’t care, they’ll insure you no matter what, and no matter who turns you down. Proof. Oh, it gets better. More Proof.
Oh here I go. I hate this man. I hate commercials like this. First of all, nearly all of the things he spews on about have already been in existence. He’s just making a commercial about them. Like Mighty Putty. See how we can’t mix epoxy, how it’s just beyond us like whoa? I know, right? Or Kaboom. Yeah cause everything else is so incompetent that we might mix up hazardous chemicals.
From Wikipedia: “Customer response to Mays’ sales pitches were enthusiastic, with a sharp increase in sales after his first day on the network, although some reviews were poor. He is very well known for screaming in lieu of talking during infomercials and regular life. For example, Washington Post staff writer Frank Ahrens called him “a full-volume pitchman, amped up like a candidate for a tranquilizer-gun takedown”.“
Let’s look at the Handy Switch. Ya know, without Billy, I would think it’s a pretty cool product. But the route is taken of us all being bumbling idiots. Look at us! Stubbing our toes. My god I just -cannot- take another night of getting out of bed, walking 2 feet, shutting off the lamp, and coming back to bed. I might DIE!!
Or the detergent ball that lasts a supposed 25 cycles. Yeah cause I like, always, end up accidentally dumping into the washer half the container of detergent. Like, seriously, whoa. I can’t handle it.
My last one isn’t Billy, but some woman who is probably his mother. The Pasta N’ More. Because really now, carrying over alllll those pots and pans is just beyond us. The concept of -stirring- is like whoa…..what? If you seriously honest-to-jesus cannot cook pasta without it sticking together then GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN. No, I’m not kidding. This one actually irks me the most. There’s no goddamn way you can put pasta in a little plastic pot of water that is NOT boiling, and leave it alone to cook in the microwave without it lumping together. I can cook pasta in alot less water than the Chefs claim you should. Chef Ramsey (and even Chef Cunning) would have a heart attack sometimes at the low ratio of pasta:water that I end up with when I cook it. But….now listen carefully….the secrets of the universe are about to be revealed…..I stir the pasta as I’m cooking it.
No! The hell you say! Stirring?!? Sweet Billy on a stick, it can’t be!
When driving to and from work today, I encountered at least 6 fucktards®¹ that shouldn’t have a license and/or car insurance. If you can see in the block ahead of you that traffic is bumper-to-bumper on the street you’re turning on to, and is moving at roughly the pace of 25 feet a minute, guess what…….you should NOT sit in the middle of the intersection on a green light to make sure you don’t miss your turn. I laid on the horn at this bitch and damn near got out of my car to scream at her. (Once, I witnessed a City cop on traffic duty do just that. “What the HELL is wrong with you?!? Get the hell out of this intersection this instance and go the other way, your ignorant ass is holding up opposing traffic. MOVE IT!!!” Oh I wanted to shake his hand and call his Sargent to order a medal of honor in his name)
But thanks to Safe Auto, they probably are gleefully driving legally. So many commercials and products are geared towards the average American being, presumably, a complete raving dipshit. Incapable of the simplest tasks. Lazy beyond comprehension. What the fuck happened? Clearly, survival of the fittest is gone in the human race. The Fittest are killed by the Stupid. And worse yet, the Stupid are allowed to breed and drive and operate heavy machinery. Sometimes, all at once. Tell me, neighbors across the pond, is it just an American infliction? Or is it in every modernized civilization?
This is it for the weekend, kids. I have an issue with my elbow similar to carpal tunnel that is acting up, and I really need to stay off the computer as much as possible this weekend (yeah, I know, fat chance, right?). Come Monday though…..someone upped the ante. He gave me a dare that I’ve previously turned down, but due to a rare chance at being all alone in a first-floor office with door that locks…….I took some photos. Short of having myself photographed/videotaped being fucked over my desk at the office…I don’t think this can be topped. Really, I don’t. Construction workers are involved. that’s all I’m sayin.