Sep 062008
 
subtitled:

Safe Auto and Billy Mays Need to Die in a Fire

or:

Survival of the Fittest = FAIL

wherein:

Lilly Loses Her Shit



This post is 99% not about sex. Know why? Cause I’m so fucking irritated that I’m losing interest in getting laid. Well, not entirely, but somewhat. Yes, 1% will relate to sex. Keep your eyes peeled. This post is long, it’s ranting, I may lose my head and spew green fire, I dunno. Read on, if you have half a brain and can take it.

A brief introduction to our friends across the pond and those who aren’t allowed to watch TV other than reality-performance-based-judged-contest things on Fox (you know who you are, and yes I mean you).

Safe Auto – The el-cheapo bare-minimum car insurance for the country. Originally geared towards people like the single parent with 4 kids who’s burning the candle at both ends; college students who don’t have wealthy parents paying their way; or otherwise good decent people who are simply and purely strapped for cash. The commercials are now geared towards the morons; the people who should not have passed the drivers exam and only, by some fucked up twist of karma, are still on the road because they have not shown their stupidity in front of a cop yet; people who have had many accidents; and so on. We’ll come to the visual aid section soon, kiddos, don’t worry.

Billy Mays – A loud-mouthed douchebag who sells things that mostly already existed on the market with a marketing ploy that entails yelling at the camera/audience, and attempting to reinforce the fact that we’re all morons with our collective heads up our collective asses.

____________________________________________________________

Safe Auto

Bad Driving Record? Safe Auto doesn’t give a shit!  They really don’t. And to boot in the “piss me off” category, the commercials are all low-budget over-acted shit. What do you expect though. Proof.

And, not -just- a bad driving record, have you been plagued with those pesky car accidents that are your fault because you’re a bad driver? Shoot, Safe Auto doesn’t care, they’ll insure you no matter what, and no matter who turns you down. Proof. Oh, it gets better. More Proof.

Billy Mays

Oh here I go. I hate this man. I hate commercials like this. First of all, nearly all of the things he spews on about have already been in existence. He’s just making a commercial about them. Like Mighty Putty. See how we can’t mix epoxy, how it’s just beyond us like whoa? I know, right? Or Kaboom. Yeah cause everything else is so incompetent that we might mix up hazardous chemicals.

From Wikipedia: “Customer response to Mays’ sales pitches were enthusiastic, with a sharp increase in sales after his first day on the network, although some reviews were poor. He is very well known for screaming in lieu of talking during infomercials and regular life. For example, Washington Post staff writer Frank Ahrens called him “a full-volume pitchman, amped up like a candidate for a tranquilizer-gun takedown”.[3]

Let’s look at the Handy Switch. Ya know, without Billy, I would think it’s a pretty cool product. But the route is taken of us all being bumbling idiots. Look at us! Stubbing our toes. My god I just -cannot- take another night of getting out of bed, walking 2 feet, shutting off the lamp, and coming back to bed. I might DIE!!

Or the detergent ball that lasts a supposed 25 cycles. Yeah cause I like, always, end up accidentally dumping into the washer half the container of detergent. Like, seriously, whoa. I can’t handle it.

My last one isn’t Billy, but some woman who is probably his mother. The Pasta N’ More. Because really now, carrying over alllll those pots and pans is just beyond us. The concept of -stirring- is like whoa…..what? If you seriously honest-to-jesus cannot cook pasta without it sticking together then GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN. No, I’m not kidding. This one actually irks me the most. There’s no goddamn way you can put pasta in a little plastic pot of water that is NOT boiling, and leave it alone to cook in the microwave without it lumping together. I can cook pasta in alot less water than the Chefs claim you should. Chef Ramsey (and even Chef Cunning) would have a heart attack sometimes at the low ratio of pasta:water that I end up with when I cook it. But….now listen carefully….the secrets of the universe are about to be revealed…..I stir the pasta as I’m cooking it.

No! The hell you say! Stirring?!? Sweet Billy on a stick, it can’t be!

___________________________________________________________

When driving to and from work today, I encountered at least 6 fucktards®¹ that shouldn’t have a license and/or car insurance. If you can see in the block ahead of you that traffic is bumper-to-bumper on the street you’re turning on to, and is moving at roughly the pace of 25 feet a minute, guess what…….you should NOT sit in the middle of the intersection on a green light to make sure you don’t miss your turn. I laid on the horn at this bitch and damn near got out of my car to scream at her. (Once, I witnessed a City cop on traffic duty do just that. “What the HELL is wrong with you?!? Get the hell out of this intersection this instance and go the other way, your ignorant ass is holding up opposing traffic. MOVE IT!!!” Oh I wanted to shake his hand and call his Sargent to order a medal of honor in his name)

But thanks to Safe Auto, they probably are gleefully driving legally. So many commercials and products are geared towards the average American being, presumably, a complete raving dipshit. Incapable of the simplest tasks. Lazy beyond comprehension. What the fuck happened? Clearly, survival of the fittest is gone in the human race. The Fittest are killed by the Stupid. And worse yet, the Stupid are allowed to breed and drive and operate heavy machinery. Sometimes, all at once. Tell me, neighbors across the pond, is it just an American infliction? Or is it in every modernized civilization?

———————————————————

This is it for the weekend, kids. I have an issue with my elbow similar to carpal tunnel that is acting up, and I really need to stay off the computer as much as possible this weekend (yeah, I know, fat chance, right?). Come Monday though…..someone upped the ante. He gave me a dare that I’ve previously turned down, but due to a rare chance at being all alone in a first-floor office with door that locks…….I took some photos. Short of having myself photographed/videotaped being fucked over my desk at the office…I don’t think this can be topped. Really, I don’t. Construction workers are involved. that’s all I’m sayin.


  • I love you for this. You should marry me. *giggle*

    ~ Yes’m, I will. Let’s run off and pop out lotsa furkids! :) ~L

  • You are freaking hilarious. I so agree with you about Billy Mays. I cannot stand him. Dang it, but I wish we lived closer! I know we’d have a grand old time bitching about stuff over drinks.

    Hope you get some good rest for your elbow this weekend.

    ~ Thanks hon. I wish we did too, but I think the bitching wouldn’t last long ;) ~L

  • Gotta love late-night television. Billy Mays is always fun to watch … in the same way that train wrecks and midget porn must be looked at. You hate yourself for watching.

    Can’t wait to see what you come up with on Monday!

    ~ Bite your tongue, Mister. I’d rather watch Mini-Me fuck his twin during a horrific train wreck than willfully watch Billy. If the mute isn’t hit fast enough, I stick my fingers in my ears “LALALALALALLAAAA” ~L

  • We turn the sound off when Billy Mays comes on the tv at our house. I can’t stand that man.

    And yes, supidity is everywhere. I once had a button that said, “Stupid people shouldn’t breed.” and I stand by that. Have you noticed a sharp decline in writing ability on the internet over the past 10 years? Some posts amaze the fuck out of me. Like, you got through high school? Really? What’s happening to this country?

    ~ I’d like to know who taught him that yelling at his audience makes more sales. As if I weren’t already embarrassed enough to hail from the Pittsburgh-ish-area, now I really am, as he was born in McKees Rocks, a mere 20-odd miles from my old hometown. And yes. I know what you’re talking about, I’ve read some. Ok, more than some. ~L

  • To clarify I was talking about posts on message boards and such, NOT your posts. lol

  • Torn Shorts

    Oh Lilly…

    I couldn’t write this until I stoppped laughing. OMG girl, this was too funny.

    Maybe Billy Mays is the father of all of those stupid drivers you’re encountering…

    ~ *blinks* You take that back. You take that back RIGHT NOW. Cause that means…..*shudders* I can’t go on with what that means, I really an truly can’t. That’s just 347 kinds of wrong right there. Ohmylord this state just needs to be razed and burned and started over again. I’ll escape to NYC first. ~L

  • Lotsa furkids with ample cleavage! Ooh-rah! ;)

  • Elle

    haha! I didn’t know who Billy Mays is… I’ve seen the Kaboom commercials but never paid attention to the name. However, reading your description of him, he’s the first person that came to mind, and sure enough, I saw the link to the Kaboom commercial a little further in your post.

    I’m with you on stupidity. I think I rant about it every day (“I can’t stand people!!”) I also think that, sadly, our society promotes the opposite of “survival of the fittest”. Call me politically incorrect, but seriously, have you noticed that the people that make the most children are fucktards (excuse the expression) on welfare, because they get money from the goverment to care for their kids? But take a couple of intelligent professionals, and most likey, they have no kids, or just one. They are too busy working, or they just simply choose not to have kids, therefore keeping their smarter genes out of the gene pool.

    ~ Oh you say whatever the hell you want on here, I don’t censor ;) Not only are they trashy people who probably don’t even have a GED, but they started popping them out before they could (legally) drink. I mean, one unplanned pregnancy at 16/17 is not going to get my panties in a wad. But then another child a year later, and perhaps another one even at that before you’re 20?? Shit I’m officially into my 30’s and I don’t feel I’m ready to responsibly raise a child. A coworker of mine, her niece is the perfect example. She is in the running for worst mother of the year, let me tell you, and she’s a mere 19. I could rant on about this topic, but we’ll save that for another month. I think this is about as much of my big mouth as you all should be forced to tolerate ;) ~L

  • Cheating Wife

    Pretty fucking hysterical, indeed.

    (ROTFLMAO) Just one more reason to like you, dear.

    ;-)

    CW

    ~Aw shucks, CW, thanks. And here I thought it would scare off alot my readers. ~L

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